Last week, as I (Deesha) drove our daughters home from school, the conversation turned to one of Peyton’s 2nd grade classmates. His family is relocating to Qatar, and he invited Peyton to visit him there. Peyton asked if she could go. I said, “Well, if his parents invited you, and we could afford it, perhaps your dad or I would take you.”
“Hmmm,” I heard from the back seat. “Let me think,” Peyton said.
“Think about what?” I asked.
“You or daddy. Do I want fun…or educational?”
Immediately, I knew I wasn’t the fun parent, and I’m okay with that. I tend to be serious and bookish, and not at all inclined to play video games with the girls, whereas Mike is serious and bookish and very inclined to play lots of video games with the girls. But I also know that Mike earning the title of “fun” parent doesn’t mean that he’s at all lax about the girls’ education. I spend more time with them on homework because they are with me every day after school, even if they spend the night at his house. But he attends teacher conferences, school events, and is heavily involved in their academic success. He enjoys times when the girls have long-term or weekend projects that allow him to be more involved, and Taylor prefers his method of studying for her social studies tests and so she seeks him out.
Despite understanding all of this, I was still curious about this fun vs. educational parenting dichotomy that the girls set up. I resisted the urge to remind the girls of all the times I have been fun: jet-skiing (!!!), the SkyCoaster (sort of like bungee jumping), amusement parks every summer, biking, ice-skating, board games, impromptu dance parties in the family room, and tickle fights. I mean, who introduced them to New Edition videos (which haven’t aged well at all, incidentally)? Who taught them to mock Johnny Gill’s attempts at dancing in the “Rub You the Right Way” video? Who introduced them to pumpkin gooey butter cake? Who lets them stay up as long as they want on weekends and during the summer? Who let them have ice cream for dinner and dinner for dessert once? I AM FUN, DAMMIT.
But I didn’t say any of this. I just listened as Peyton mulled over her choices of parent travel companion. She never did make a choice because Taylor, perhaps feeling the need to be more diplomatic, interjected. “Mom, it’s not that you’re not fun. It’s just that…okay, let’s say you take us to the movies and we want candy…”
“Daddy would just let us get the candy,” Peyton said. “But you’d have to think about it, and would probably say ‘no.’”
This is true.
“Daddy is just…” Peyton struggled to find the word. “More stretchy. You’re stiff.”
Kids really don’t give a damn about your feelings, do they?
“So…I’m stiff and educational. And your dad is stretchy and fun.”
“Yes,” they both said.
“But don’t tell him we said he’s the fun parent,” Taylor said. “He might take it the wrong way.”
“Yeah, we wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings,” Peyton added.
Of course we wouldn’t.
Mike got a good laugh out of the whole thing. And of course, I did tell him because as the educational parent, I felt it was my obligation to educate the fun parent as to how the children viewed him as a slacker. A candy-buying slacker. And I knew he wouldn’t be upset or have hurt feelings. We’re not entirely surprised that the kids have compartmentalized us this way. And we’re okay with it because we’re both comfortable in our own skins as people and as parents. We are the yin to the other parent’s yang, and this works for our kids. If Peyton wants to make sure a school form is completed and turned in on time, she asks me (“You always know where things are, Mom.”). If they girls want the very latest in video game technology and hours of interrupted play time, they have to look no further than their living room at their dad’s house.
Certainly we are both bigger as parents than the boxes the kids would put us in. We are both responsible, consistent, and mature. Mike’s the fun parent…but he’s still a disciplinarian and role model. I’m the educational parent…but I know how to have fun (once the work is done).
The truth is, Mike’s more “educational” than the girls give him credit for. I’d like to say that I’m more fun than they give me credit for, but that may not be true. I’m just not as much fun as their dad, on a regular basis. But I delight in how much fun they have with him, especially because I never had those kinds of experiences with my own father.
True to the yin and yang of our co-parenting partnership, Mike and I support each other. He doesn’t totally abdicated school-related parenting duties, and as a result, I don’t end up looking like Attila the Hun to the kids. And because I don’t hog all the school-related parenting jobs, I avoid making him into a Disney Dad by default. In doing so, we give our kids balance. Life in both houses may not be a 50-50 mix of fun and education, but it’s 100% commitment to their well-being.
Is your child’s other parent the yin to your yang? How so?
Posted under A Day In The Life..., Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting Stories | 
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