Last spring, Mike’s wife and our kids’ stepmom, Sherry gave some advice to a reader, Kelly, who felt like “just the sideline girlfriend” in a relationship with a co-parenting dad who was at times rather too close for comfort with his ex.

Recently, Alisha, another reader who is dating a devoted co-parenting dad, responded to what Sherry wrote, and asked for advice as she wonders if there is room in her boyfriend’s life, and heart, for her…and for any kids they may have together:

Sherry,

I have really appreciated your willingness to share your story, and provide an alternative to many less-peaceful stories I hear. Because you have shared my situation so closely, I ask for your advice.

I am dating a fabulous man with two little kiddos (son, 5, and daughter, 7) from a marriage that ended three years ago. It was a rough marriage, and a rough divorce, and my man is still smarting from it a little bit. To his ex’s credit, she has been supportive of my relationship with her children’s father- I’m sure it helps that she is re-married- and there has been no real tension between us other than a little awkwardness.

Personally, I am 29 and have never been married nor had children, and, also coming from a divorced family where dad was absent (and Mom is STILL seething), it is very touching to me that my boyfriend is a devoted dad with 50/50 custody. Admittedly, it is also difficult for me to understand. While I want the best for his kids (after all, I’ve been in his daughter’s shoes) it’s hard for me to hear him say, bluntly, “My kids will always come before you.” Going into a marriage (which we’re talking about) for the first time, I’m sure you held the same hopes I have have, of being cherished as a companion and confidant, and wondering if this desire died for my boyfriend with his first marriage. I fully hope to have children of my own (and so does he, he tells me), but I can’t help but worry that when he says his children come before me, that his first two children will come before mine. As I said, I want his kids to have happy, loved lives, but isn’t there room for more? Would it be fair for me to bring children into a marriage where they could be getting … emotional leftovers from their father? How can I bring up these concerns to my boyfriend and help him understand that I want his devotion to his children to continue, but also want to know there’s more room for me and my hopes and dreams than just the empty side of his bed?

Read on for Sherry’s response:

Read more…

02.08.2010 Speak up » Co-Parenting Stories, Dating and Relationships, Divorce, Fathers, Happy endings, Healing, Problem...Solved, Remarriage, Resources, step-dating

We love, love, love to hear about co-parenting families that are able to cooperate for their children’s sake…even after the introduction of a new significant other.    In the guest-post below, CoParenting101 reader Lauren Navratil shares a blueprint for successful co-parenting that guides her post-divorce reality.  Recently, we became fans of Lauren’s honest, insightful, and engaging blog, My Life, Incomplete. Many thanks to Lauren for her openness and for sharing her hard-won wisdom here with our readers. We have so much to learn from each others’ journeys!

Lauren and Braden

“Parenting is More Than Just Putting a Roof Over Your Kids’ Heads”

by Lauren Navratil

On my blog, My Life, Incomplete, I write about my life as a divorced, 30-something single mom of a now four-year-old boy.  I share stories of our adventures together, talk about my journey of self-discovery, disclose some details about the reasons I am divorced, express a lot of gratitude for all of my blessings, and talk about my co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband from time to time.

One of my favorite posts, which received great reader response, is The Icing on My Divorce Cake.  It’s about my appreciation for the other woman in my son’s life – my ex-husband’s girlfriend.  I didn’t arrive at this kind of acceptance overnight.  It took some time to get where we are today.  During the course of that time, I learned a thing or two about how to be a single parent in a way that ensures a positive environment for my son in which he can thrive.

Here, I’m going to share with fellow co-parents you some guidelines on how to put your children’s needs first.

Read more…

02.04.2010 Speak up » Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting Stories, Dating and Relationships, Divorce, Happy endings, Healing, Mothers, Resources, step-dating

Yvonne Bynoe, founder of Sophisticated Woman and Mama

“…I accept full responsibility for my life and my choices — I sing no victim songs.

I willfully participate in the world using my voice to empower myself and others.”

Okay, if ever there was a credo to live by, Yvonne Bynoe’s is it.  The above is an excerpt from Yvonne’s credo, the guiding principle for her life and for the lives that she helps other women realize for themselves.

Yvonne, an author and a mom, founded Sophisticated Woman and Mama to “to assist Gen-X working mothers who want to end their work/life struggle. Instead of trying to balance their various roles I encourage them to first define their beliefs and values. This step helps working women to make decisions that are aligned with their individual versions of professional and family success. My philosophy is that women who continue to develop themselves bring more clarity to their roles as mothers, partners and professionals.”

We are so excited to have Yvonne join us on the Sunday, February 14th* “Co-Parenting Matters” show, “Happy Parents, Happy Kids.” On the show, we’ll talk about the importance of all co-parents healing and empowering themselves in the wake of a break up, and in particular, Yvonne will discuss her mission to “revolutionize motherhood” so that all women have “the courage to create a life and a motherhood experience that they passionately love.”

As always, “Co-Parenting Matters” airs 9:30 – 11 PM EST on BlogTalk Radio.

On the show, we’ll announce the winners of a special offer that Yvonne is making available to CoParenting101.org and WeParent.com readers!  One winner from each site will win a COMPLIMENTARY Working Moms Startup Coaching Session with Yvonne. The session will include:

• The “Where Are You” Questions
  - a meaningful inquiry into your life and aspirations.
• A thirty-minute laser coaching discussion

In your session with Yvonne, you can:

• Chart a course to accomplishing a specific goal
• Design the framework for your ideal life – maximizing the things that bring you joy and fulfillment and reducing the draining “shoulds.”
• Create strategies to overcome limiting beliefs.

Yvonne will help you see what’s possible – and laser in on the best course of action for you based on your interests, values and intentions. Yvonne says, “Working Moms Startup sessions could result in a new decision for your life, inspire a make-over, generate a new business idea, or expose your inner critic…stay open to the possibilities.”

If you are ready to create your ideal life, or know a mother who is, don’t miss this valuable opportunity!  Here’s how to enter  in 3 easy steps:

(1) EMAIL us at info AT coparenting101 DOT org nominating yourself or another working mom for the complimentary start up session. Explain why you (she) should win the session, and how it can make a difference in your (her) life.

(2) LEAVE A COMMENT HERE telling us you’ve submitted the nomination.

Then…

(3) SEND an email to Yvonne AT Sophisticatedwomanandmama DOT com containing the same info as in (1).

Yvonne will choose one winner from each site.  Winners will be announced during “Happy Parents, Happy Kids.”

Enter today and get one step closer to a happier you…which means, a happier kid!

*“Co-Parenting Matters” will take a brief break from the airwaves on Super Bowl Sunday February 7th…for the obvious reasons.

02.01.2010 Speak up » Co-Parenting ABCs, CoParenting Matters Talk Show, Happy endings, Healing, Mothers, Problem...Solved, Resources

Join us this Sunday at 9:30pm EST on “Co-Parenting Matters” when our guest Deborah Moskovitch answers the question, ”What’s a smart divorce?”

Deborah is the founder of The Smart Divorce Consulting Service and author of the book of the same name. Through her work, Deborah helps people choose the right attorney, strategize their approach to divorce, and deal with the difficult emotions that can often make divorce worse than it has to be.  Deborah’s goal is to help people manage the divorce process in a healthier, less painful way. We look forward to introducing you to Deborah and to learning from her insights. You can always send in questions in advance to: contact@coparentingmatters.com or tweet us. We’re @coparentingshow.

FYI…If you notice that posting is light around these parts, that’s because our awesome web designer is busy on a sweet site re-design that we just can’t wait to share with you.  We hope you like it as much as we do.  Stay tuned!

01.28.2010 Speak up » Co-Parenting ABCs, CoParenting Matters Talk Show, Divorce, Healing, Legal, Podcast, Problem...Solved, Resources

A co-parenting dad, Steve, sent us the following note:

My ex-wife planned a birthday party for my son. I only heard about it today. The party is in a few days. I asked her via email why she didn’t let me know about it and if she intended to invite me. Her reply was that she’s “… thinking about it.” What’s worse is that we actually talked about it months ago – I told her, “…let’s plan his birthday party out together this year.” But she didn’t want to invite my wife. That is, in essence, the root of the problem. I’ve been separated for 4 years and married to my new wife for 2.5 years – and she still hasn’t gotten over it. But what am I supposed to do when my son asks if I’m coming to his party? I don’t want to bad mouth his mother. I don’t want him to think that I don’t want to be there. Personally, I think I should just show up at the party. He’s my son – and he’s only having one bday party. I did think about having a separate bday party for him, but that seems silly – and all of his friends are already going to be at this party…

We know that some of you can relate to Steve’s scenario: how to handle birthdays…and, in general, how to respond honestly to your child about the other parent’s behavior and affirm your relationship with your child, all without throwing the other parent under the bus.  How do you and your ex handle birthday celebrations?  What advice would you give Steve?  Read on for our response…

Read more…

01.26.2010 8 Remarks Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting Stories, Divorce, Fathers, Happy endings, Problem...Solved, Remarriage, Resources , birthday parties, birthdays, parenting plan

If you are a regular reader of this site, you know that we *heart* Talibah Mbonisi, founder of WeParent.com (a resource devoted to African-American co-parents) and our co-host on “Co-Parenting Matters.” Below is an awesome cross-post from WeParent penned by Talibah in which she talks co-parenting, Spades, and playing to win.  She really breaks it down. Gotta love her!

Doesn’t it suck when you think you’re winning a game only to find out halfway through it that you’ve been playing the wrong game? For thirty minutes, you and your partner, affectionately known as “Them”, have taken some serious risks, so you wouldn’t underbid and lose points for winning too many books. And, you’ve done it masterfully, talking high quality junk all the while. Confident, cocky even, in your mastery of the game and ability to diminish your opponents, “Us”(who declared themselves as “Us”) both on the table and verbally. It’s the fourth hand, and you and your partner start smirking at each other from opposite sides of the card table, because these fools, “Us”, went board and then took twice as many books. You start clowning, talking loud, because they’re about to be down another 80 points for sandbagging. But…What? Oh. Hell. No.

House rules…We don’t play that way. Wrong game, Baby!

Yes, that smooth, culturally relevant metaphor is all about co-parenting. The fact is, too often, we go along thinking we’re winning, only to find out we’ve got the rules wrong, or worse, we’re playing the wrong game altogether. We’re bidding our hands, but winning the game actually requires a little sandbagging. We’re playing Joker’s high, but really deuces win. We think spades are trump, but they keep changing it. Oh snap, we’re playing Spades and the game is Tonk! Damn.

And, of course, the problem is that the way you score points, how you win, how you play, everything changes depending on the game. Co-parenting is the same way. Too often, we find ourselves playing the “Better Parent” game. We rack up points, playing full out, in areas like:

• Who’s spending more time on our child?
• Who’ spending more money on our child?
• Who “knows” our child best? Who knows more about what goes on in his/her life? Mind? Heart?
• Who does our child prefer or even love more?
• Who cares more?
• Who’s the better parent?

But, guess what? Wrong game, Baby! In this house, we play the “Happy, Healthy, Whole Child” game. Here, you score points in categories like:

• How loved does my child feel?
• How whole does my child feel?
• How safe and secure does my child feel?
• How successful does my child feel?
• How confident is my child in his ability to deal with difficult challenges?
• How happy is my child?

Winning requires strategies and skills like teamwork, effective conflict management, high quality listening, meeting in the middle, focusing on solutions, and yes, do-or-die commitment. Talking across the board is allowed, if it’s respectful, and everybody knows the house rules up front. And, hell, if you’re winning and want to talk junk…we honor bragging rights. Because, where we live, in our house, “Us” and “Them” become “We” and, we play this co-parenting game to win. Our kids deserve nothing less.

So, in your next quiet moment of reflection or while you’re in the throes of an argument with your child’s other parent, stop for a minute and ask yourself what game you’re playing. And, if it’s the wrong one, change it up…and play to win!

~

Talibah Mbonisi, founder of WeParent, is a Marketer by trade, a problem solver by nature and a mother by grace. She is also an unmarried co-parent navigating the path that will lead to a happy, healthy son, and a fulfilled, balanced Mama and Daddy.

Read more articles by Talibah Mbonisi

01.25.2010 Speak up » Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, Co-Parenting ABCs, Happy endings, Problem...Solved, Resources, The Best Medicine

(The following is cross-posted from our friends at WeParent.com)

Abraham Lincoln probably wasn’t talking about co-parenting when he advised:

“Discourage litigation. Persuade neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often the real loser in fees, expenses, and a waste of time.”

But his words perfectly describe our  “Co-Parenting Matters” topic for this week:  Mediation 101.

Join us this Sunday, January 24th at 9:30pm EST on “Co-Parenting Matters”, when “The Mediator”, Gene A. Johnson, Jr., educates us about mediation.  In our recent interview with him, Gene suggested that despite being a viable alternative to the option of an ugly court battle, many parents may not be aware of mediation or fully understand what it is.

Well, this Sunday, we get to find out.  We’ll discuss what mediation is, how the process works and what you can do to get the most out of your collaboration.  Join the conversation by calling in to (646)378-0580 or listen to the live stream at www.blogtalkradio.com/CoParentingMatters.

And, in the meantime, to learn more about mediation, check out Part 1 of our interview with “The Mediator.” It’s only a taste, so be sure to listen to “Co-Parenting Matters” this Sunday.

Leave questions or comments for Gene in the comments section, and we’ll share them on the air. 

01.20.2010 Speak up » Co-Parenting ABCs, CoParenting Matters Talk Show, Legal, Podcast, Problem...Solved, Resources

Check out Deesha’s latest at The Faster Times. Here’s an excerpt:

“These days, it seems that the Brits are on the cutting edge of divorce-related commerce. From the folks across the pond who first brought us divorce cakes and divorce gift cards, we now have divorce gift registries. Debenhams, a British department store chain recently launched a divorce gift list service in part to jump on the divorce celebration bandwagon, and in part to “provide assistance to someone who has had to divide the assets…”

“But what about the newly separated who are also parents? What useful items might they need as they rebuild, heal, and help their child cope with their new reality, particularly if the children will be living between two households?”

Here’s my list of essentials for a New Co-Parent’s Gift Registry…”

You can read it all here. Then come back and tell us: What would you include on a list of essentials for new co-parents?

photo by ttnk

01.20.2010 Speak up » Co-Parenting ABCs, Divorce, Finances, Healing, In the news, Problem...Solved, Resources, The Best Medicine

Since my (Deesha’s) fiancé “JB” started a new job last fall, he doesn’t have the same access to email and phone that he did in his previous job. So when he texted me to see how my meeting went this morning with the agent who is interested in the co-parenting book that Mike and I are co-authoring, he hadn’t yet received my email about it.

JB’s text: So text me the quick and dirty.

Me: Agent. Contract. Screaming.

And really…that about sums it up. There’s a longer back story about how we got connected with this particular agent and so forth, but suffice it to say that she’s great, she’s smart, she’s connected, AND she loves and believes in our co-parenting book proposal. By meeting’s end, she’d email me a contract and collaborator’s agreement for our consideration. She’ll start talking up our book next week in NYC to editor-folk, and while our proposal is apparently already super-fantastic, she’s got a few things for us to tweak to make it even stronger.

We’ve got some legal and literary friends looking at the particulars, and we’re looking forward to tackling the agent’s tweaking requests.

A BIG “THANK YOU” to everyone who has supported our efforts since the launch of this site in June 2008.  Thanks for…

• telling your co-parenting friends about us;
• for forwarding links to our posts;
• for guest posting, cross-posting, and agreeing to be interviewed;
• for sharing your family’s stories with us;
• for being a professional resource to families in need;
• for including us on your blog-roll;
• for the collaborations and for the shout-outs; and
• for the partnerships and the friendships

Special thanks to our friends, authors, other writing professionals, and co-parenting  experts for taking the time to write detailed, thoughtful, and downright GUSHING blurbs for us to include in the book proposal, telling editors and publishers that you believe in this book and that you believe we’re the ones to write it.  We appreciate your vote of confidence!

And another very important BIG “THANK YOU” to all of YOU, readers!  Your public comments here, your private emails, your subscription to our newsletter (which really does exist–we promise!), your Tweets and re-Tweets, your warm reception to the weekly “Co-Parenting Matters” show on BlogTalk Radio –your response has affirmed that there is a need for and interest in a resource like this.

So stay tuned for more book news as we progress.  In the meantime, join us in celebrating this happy day!

01.19.2010 7 Remarks "Co-Parenting 101"...The Book, Resources

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

It has been said that the co-parent’s charge is: “Love your child more than you hate your ex.”  While Dr. King was not directing these words at co-parents specifically, they certainly ring true for us.  These, like so many of his words, are full of universal truth, challenging us to be our best selves.

We bring light when we make loving our children and meeting their needs–not scheming against, competing with, or playing tit-for-tat with our former partners–our priority.  We bring light when we remember that two wrongs don’t make a right.  When our parenting priorities are in order, we drive out the darkness and brighten our children’s lives.

What are you committed to–light or darkness?  Remaining locked in high-levels of conflict with your ex…or giving your children the emotional freedom and lightness that comes with being spared a front-row seat at their parents’ never-ending battle royale?  You can’t do both. Choose light…for your children’s sake.

01.15.2010 Speak up » Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, Bitter, Co-Parenting ABCs, Healing, Quote of the Day