I consider the column I wrote for four years at LiteraryMama my “official” entry into the world of freelance writing.  Though I no longer write for the site, I still consider myself a LiteraryMama, and I keep up with the mama-writing the site features.  LM has debuted a new monthly column, Motherhood From Afar by Karen Murphy.  In “Countdown”, Karen writes about her decision to relinquish custody to her abusive ex-husband after their shared custody co-parenting relationship became unbearable for her.  I am very interested in following Karen’s journey through her writing.

10.05.2008 Speak up » Bitter, Co-Parenting Stories, Divorce, Mothers

The state of Florida passes law to promote co-parenting!

10.01.2008 Speak up » Happy endings, In the news, Legal

Thus begins Alec Baldwin’s new book, “A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce”, a book that details his nasty divorce and custody battle with fellow actor Kim Basinger. Baldwin goes wide however, taking a macro look at the family law system, calling it a “disgraceful mess”, and discussing fathers’ rights and the controversial diagnosis, Parental Alienation System (PAS).

While Baldwin does address the now-infamous voicemail recording in which he called his child a “rude, thoughtless little pig”, he doesn’t however sling mud at Basinger:

What stories someone’s own imagination can come up with will be far more satisfying, in that regard, than the truth. Necessity demands that I include some of the particulars of my own case, but only those germane to the book’s purpose. However, you will come away disappointed if you hope to find a bitter, angry attack against my ex-wife.

What follows will disappoint those who hoped to find a gossipy, salacious tale of a show business marriage gone bad. Tabloid publications have already put out enough such stories about my protracted divorce and ensuing custody battle. I do not feel compelled to set that record straight. Think what you will.

Kudos to him for that, but while I’m very interested in the issues he raises, I’m not sure that I’m inclined to pick up this particular book. Have you read it? Thoughts?

Here’s a lengthy excerpt.

09.24.2008 Speak up » Bitter, Divorce, Fathers, In the news, Legal

I found some most excellent co-parenting resources today, all under the umbrella of an organization called Bonus Families:

Bonus Families®, as an organization was founded in 1999, but the ground work was laid years before. The founders, Jann Blackstone-Ford, PsyD., a divorce and stepfamily mediator, and Sharyl Jupe, had weathered the ups and downs of co-parenting children after divorce for ten years before they felt qualified to form an organization to help others. How did these two women meet? Sharyl is Jann’s husband’s ex-wife.

That’s right…An ex-wife and a current wife have teamed up to provide support and resources to other co-parenting families. But…

Jann and Sharyl did not get along at first. It took years of butting heads before they realized they could actually work together. This effort evolved into what is now known as Bonus Families®. The goal of the Bonus Families® organization is to offer mediation, conflict management, support, and education to people attempting to combine families after a divorce or separation. It combines Jann and Sharyl’s practical experience with the expertise of professionals to offer down-to-earth real advice that works.

Bonus Families®, a 501 c 3 non-profit organization, promotes a positive image for stepfamilies and prefers the word bonus rather than the word step. Step implies negative things—wicked, evil, certainly not a contributing member of a family. However, a bonus is something positive, a reward for a job well done. Using the word bonus instead of step is an acknowledgement of the hard work it takes to make a stepfamily successful. The term bonus also supplies a positive label to a family that lives together and the parent figures are not married to each other.

Perhaps the most important aspect of the Bonus Families® philosophy is that we recognize how important it is for all the parent figures, both bio and bonus, to work together to raise healthy, well-adjusted kids after their parents split up. Our efforts start with what is conventionally called a “stepfamily, but extends past that to promote good communication between ex-partners, plus look for ways to successfully integrate the new parent figure’s efforts, as well. Bonus Families® believes that parents have a moral obligation to put their own interests aside for the sake of their children–or their partner’s children.

I am standing up and applauding right now.

Sharyl and Jann write an advice column called “Ex-Etiquette” (which was my intro to them after I found the column at DallasNews.com). Read their advice to a question about a parent who wants to use her 8-year-old child as a go-between, here.

When I read the following quote from another Ex-Etiquette, I was reminded of a divorced couple I know in which the ex-wife is really having a hard time adjusting to co-parenting:

We think when we get older and have children of our own that we will automatically become more secure within ourselves and no longer have feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. And, divorce? If you ever had an insecure bone in your body, divorce will find it and shake it until it really hurts.

Among the many resources BonusFamilies offers are books by Sharyl and Jann, covering topics such as general ex-etiquette, ex-etiquette for weddings, and ex-etiquette for holidays and other family celebrations.

Kudos and much appreciation to BonusFamilies!

09.16.2008 Speak up » Bitter, Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting Stories, Divorce, Happy endings, Mothers, Problem...Solved, Remarriage, Resources, Stepfamilies

Recently, a friend complimented me on my commitment to my daughters’ relationship with their father. I responded by telling her that I consider the relationship a sacred one. I believe this mindset is the beginning of successful co-parenting. The relationship between a child and both parents remains sacred, despite the divorce/post-relationship bitterness and disappointment swirling around. It’s not easy keeping the dynamic between the adults separate from the adult-child(ren) relationship, but it’s necessary. I feel like a broken record with that sentiment, for many aspects of co-parenting: it’s not easy, but it’s necessary.

With this in mind, two things crossed my radar recently. The first was an article from The Times of the Internet, “a collaborative online newspaper.” Even though not all divorced men are dads, I thought readers of this site might appreciate the perspective in “Husbands After Divorce: The Forgotten People”. (The nitpicker in me sez, “Shouldn’t it read, ‘MEN After Divorce”, because technically speaking, after divorce they are no longer anyone’s husband.’”)

The article links to a site which states on the home page that “the suicide rate for separated men is up to seventy times higher than that of normal men.” Hmm…I’d like to know where they got that stat, out of curiosity, but no citation of any study is offered. Also, did the study really refer to men who aren’t separated as “normal” and separated guys as some kinds of freaks of nature?

I read on and learn that the site offers support for divorced men…for only $49.95. Counseling and self-help books aren’t free, so I’m not mad at the site’s owner for charging a fee. However, pricing displayed prominently on home pages–especially ones that end in $.95–sets my Spidey sense to tingling.

So, I click around some more, and eventually find a firm reason to give this site a permanent raised eyebrow. Under “Resources”, can you guess what the very first item listed is? You’d think it would be financial and legal resources–but you’d be wrong. Maybe some tips on handling custody issues? Pshaw. First up: “Dating Women” [Gay Men and Those Who Prefer to Date Tree Stumps Need Not Apply], specifically “Dating and Seduction Courses for Men”.

That link then leads to an even skeevier website that opens with a video of The. Worst. Pick. Up. Lines. Ever. But the poor divorced sap is assured that he can learn better, more effective lines and be spared his current loneliness–and learn how to steal women from other guys!–if he signs up for this program. Which is of course free…for a limited time. Not sold? How about this ringing endorsement…

“Dude, after following the tips in your free mini-course, I went out and got laid by THREE drop-dead gorgeous women, including one girl I’ve had the hots for and have known for three years. You rock!”
~ Alan C., Texas

I wonder if Alan C. is in the midst of a divorce. If so, he probably has a lot of free time since he’s not focusing any of his attention on those pesky financial, legal, or custody issues.

I also began to wonder about the legitimacy of “The Times of the Internet”, this “collaborative online newspaper”, so I click back to the original article–which begins to look more and more like an ad for the pro-husband/man website! At first read, I thought the last line of the article was just clichéd and an example of poor writing (”They say knowledge is power so if you need the power to move on and be happy again click below for more information.”), but I realized that it was a pitch posing as a news article.

It’s a shame too, because I really do believe that when it comes to divorce, grief, and all manner of other emotional trials, we truly live in a women-and-children-first culture. Are there legitimate post-divorce sresources out there specifically for men that you’ve found helpful? Share in the comments, or here.

I’ll close with the second dad-thing on my radar this week, the following video. Enjoy!

09.14.2008 2 Remarks Dating and Relationships, Divorce, Fathers, Resources, The Best Medicine

I recently found a co-parenting article by Michael Scott (a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a child custody mediator) over at Mediate.com. It is probably the most comprehensive and well-written piece that I’ve read on the subject to date. It’s a long, but worthwhile read, and I am exploring it as a series here. The first part dealt with custody and co-parenting terminology, the basics. In part two, Scott identified 5 different co-parenting relationships. In part three, he discusses how grief impacts co-parenting success.  Below, in the fourth and final part in this series, Scott explores the evolution of a relationship from romance and/or marriage to divorce and/or co-parenting.

As always, your comments and questions are welcome.

EVOLUTION OF THE RELATIONSHIP

There are four stages in the evolution of a relationship from a beginning romance and/or marriage towards a divorce and co-parenting relationship. The first is the stage of “intimacy.” This is when you get together, are in love, and the world looks fine. The second stage may best be termed “negative intensity.” This is when the relationship is falling apart and separation and divorce are in the works. The third is the stage of “building a structured agreement” for how to continue raising the children in the context of separation or divorce. In this stage, the parents must form a business-like relationship and clarify the time-scheduling plan for the children and the rules of conduct for how the parents agree to conduct themselves after separation and divorce.

The last is the stage of “emotional disengagement.” It is in this stage that you reassess and establish a post-divorce relationship with each other, which can range from Perfect Pals to Dissolved Duos. Hopefully you will end up, minimally, as Cooperative Colleagues, being courteous and civil in your interactions with one another. Unfortunately, many divorcing parents try to move directly from stage two to stage four without going through stage three. Bypassing stage three (building a structured agreement) does not allow for the necessary tasks of structuring a co-parenting agreement that prevents the children from being used as pawns between the parents as they continue to act on their negative feelings towards one another. This, unfairly, puts further stress on the child, and it should be avoided.

Divorce and separation do not automatically result in the parents realizing that now they must work together differently from how they did when they were together. Do not expect miracles. Your former partner is not going to wake up all of a sudden and say, “Oh gee, now I understand what s/he wanted. I will act appropriately.” A parenting plan is a map. It is a map of how the two parents will continue to raise their child. However, just as a road map does not teach you HOW to drive the car safely on the road, but merely shows you the territory, the parenting map simply describes in detail the territory of co-parenting. You are solely responsible for your own behavior in following this map. The more communication and parenting skills you pick up along the way, the safer the journey will be for your children.

Developing understanding and empathy for the other parent are essential in using the map effectively. You can still have accidents, despite the map that you create. Individual counseling, or some other guided experience in self-awareness can be a benefit to you in relating to your former partner. Oftentimes, individual counseling is very effective in figuring out your own boundaries. If both individuals are willing, divorce counseling aimed at learning communication skills can be very helpful for untangling the old emotional hooks and learning effective ways to co-parent, for your child’s sake.

IMAGINING THE FUTURE

Imagine that you are attending your child’s twenty-fifth birthday, or wedding. Will your child be able to look at the two of you on this day of celebration and say the following? “I would like to honor my Mom and Dad for their love of me. They were able to navigate through a difficult situation and protect me from the storm. I love you both for showing me how to be a human being.” Or, will your child look out and not see one or either of you there, because of your unresolved anger towards each other?

A child has the right to love both parents. Give your child that as a gift. It will be profoundly appreciated and everlasting.

FOOTNOTES:

1. See Ahrons, C. R. and Rodgers, R. H. (1987). Divorced Families. NY: W. W. Norton.

2. Ibid.

3. This term was used by Virginia Scott and George Daub during a presentation of their “Family Wellness” Series, Santa Cruz, CA (1984).

4. See Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. London: Collier-Macmillan, Ltd.

5. See Johnston, J. and Campbell, L. (1988). Impasses of Divorce. NY: The Free Press.

Michael Scott is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a child custody mediator. He has been a therapist since 1982 and maintains a private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. Since 1985, Michael has served as a child custody mediator for The County of Santa Cruz Superior Court. He is an educator offering workshops both nationally and internationally on marriage, divorce, parenting, education, personal and professional development, conflict resolution, and the developmental needs of children.

09.10.2008 Speak up » Bitter, Co-Parenting ABCs, Divorce, Happy endings, Problem...Solved, Resources

Some of the best post-separation-and-divorce advice we’ve ever gotten, solicited and unsolicited, has been from adults (friends and strangers) whose parents divorced. They tell us what their parents did right in terms of handling the fall out and continuing to meeting their kid’s needs. On the flip side, some tell us what they wish their parents had done differently (such as not using the kids as messenger service, or bad-mouthing the other parent to the kids).

We believe all divorced/divorcing/separated parents can benefit from these voices (and their children will also benefit in turn), so we invite stories from adult children of divorce about your experiences. What you submit can take the form of a letter to your parents–maybe it’s a letter you’ve written, or perhaps one you’ve longed to write. Lists are good too (”Top Ten Mistakes Divorcing Parents Make” or “12 Things My Parents Did Right”). Whatever format you choose, we’re looking to post a variety of experiences and perspectives. All posts will be anonymous (unless you request otherwise) and subject to editing for clarity and/or to protect your privacy.

This is an open call, so even if you are reading this months from now, we still welcome your story.

You can send your submissions here or in the body of an email (no attachments will be opened) with the subject heading “Adult Child of Divorce”, to deesha AT deeshaphilyaw DOT com (you know what to do…).

09.09.2008 Speak up » Adult Children of Divorce, Bitter, Divorce, Happy endings

I recently found a co-parenting article by Michael Scott (a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a child custody mediator) over at Mediate.com. It is probably the most comprehensive and well-written piece that I’ve read on the subject to date. It’s a long, but worthwhile read, and I am exploring it as a series here. The first part dealt with custody and co-parenting terminology, the basics. In part two, Scott identified 5 different co-parenting relationships.  Below, he discusses how grief impacts co-parenting success.

As always, your comments and questions are welcome.

THE IMPACT OF GRIEF ON SUCCESSFUL CO-PARENTING

Most parents want to co-parent successfully and strive to conduct themselves in ways that would include them in the first two post-divorce relationship categories. What gets in the way?

THE GRIEVING PROCESS

Just as with death, when a relationship ends there is a grieving process. This natural response to loss often contributes significantly to difficulties in co-parenting. It takes no less than two years to bring the grieving process regarding the break up of the relationship to a resolution. This timeline is founded on the notion that a person needs to live through the first year after the break up with all its holidays and occasions, as he or she moves away from the established patterns of the marital relationship. The second year permits the creation of new patterns. It should not be assumed that a new relationship cannot be established during the grieving period. It is just that unresolved issues from the prior relationship often interfere with the new relationship. Ghosts of the previous relationship frequently intrude, unconsciously, into the dynamics of a new relationship and often contribute to its problems. Frequently, the grief process takes much longer than two years. One theory suggests that the grieving process can take as long as one- third to one-half the length of the relationship that just ended.

The grieving process has many theoretical models. One stage-theory that is very useful was developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.4 The first stage is the stage of denial - the disbelief that this is actually happening. The second stage is the stage of anger. This can take many forms, which include conflict, rage, acting out and redefining the former partner in as negative a light as possible. Johnston5 has termed this tendency the “negative reconstruction of the spousal identity.” In this phenomenon, all the attributes that initially attracted one to the former partner are now attributes that are repulsive. It is a way for a spouse to emotionally disengage. As examples: “He is such a good provider,” becomes “He is such a workaholic.” “She is such a free spirit,” becomes “She is such a flake.” “He is so well informed,” becomes, “He is so opinionated.” Sound familiar?

The third stage, of grieving, according to Kubler-Ross, involves remorse or bargaining. In this stage, one is frightened about really losing the other. Promises and deals are made that positive changes will happen if only they can get back together.

The fourth stage is the phase of depression. There is deep pain and sadness about the loss of the dreams, fantasies, expectations, and hopes.

Finally the last stage, acceptance, is one which involves moving on in life. It has been our experience that you know you have reached the acceptance stage when someone, inquiring about your relationship, asks, “What happened?” And, your response, given in less than ten seconds and void of emotional charge, is “We just went our separate ways.”

IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS

It is often the case that one parent is at a more functional level than is the other with regard to co-parenting. If this is the situation, then it is more effective for the parent who is at the more functional level to remain rational and empathic toward the other parent. If the more functional parent is drawn to a lower level of functionality, there will be more chaos and disruption, not only for that parent, but, more importantly, for the child. The higher functioning parent would be better off learning effective negotiating skills for dealing with an individual who prefers to be in a competitive rather than collaborative negotiating arena. Do not expect the separation or divorce to magically change the pattern of the other party from how it was during the marriage to being more effective in resolving problems. Without active new learning, it is unusual for such patterns to change on its own. Individual counseling and classes in communication skills are productive resources for the higher functioning parent.

IMPACT ON THE INDIVIDUAL’S ABILITY TO “MOVE ON”

There is yet another concept to address that impacts the ability to co-parent. The emotional process of divorce for one partner is not generally on the same timeline as it is for the other partner. Typically, one of the partners becomes aware of being unhappy in the relationship. That individual may request the other to attend marital counseling in hopes of getting the other partner to change and make the relationship “right.” The other partner may respond with something like, “I don’t have a problem. You have a problem. You go to counseling. I am very happy just the way things are.”

The person attempting to seek professional help is already well into the process of emotional detachment. The less effort exerted by the other partner, the more such detachment occurs. The interesting aspect here is that the first party experiences interactions with the spouse as a constant, daily reality check regarding the unhappy experience. This validates the perception that the relationship is no longer functional. Typically, this internal process of detachment goes on for about a year or two before the decision to separate is made. Once the decision is made to leave the relationship, there typically is little or no chance of reclaiming the relationship. And, on the day that the first partner announces that the relationship is over, the grieving process for the second party begins. It is this timeline disparity that creates turmoil between the couple.

At that point, the person who is being left says, “Okay, let’s go to counseling and fix this!” Frequently, the intent of such a request is to have the counselor tell the leaving party that he or she is in error and should stay and work it out. When this does not happen as hoped, the partner who is left begins the emotional process of divorce. Once separated, the grieving process of the person who was left is somewhat different and more difficult than that of the one who left. Now, the only base of perception is the memory of the relationship, not the reality of the day-to-day experience. And, those memories can rapidly become grossly distorted. Once again, individual counseling for the person being left can be of tremendous help in providing support, and can be a reality check for clearer thinking and more appropriate planning.

Next up: Establishing a parenting plan and thinking about the future

09.08.2008 Speak up » Bitter, Co-Parenting ABCs, Divorce, Happy endings, Problem...Solved, Resources

I recently found a co-parenting article by Michael Scott (a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a child custody mediator) over at Mediate.com. It is probably the most comprehensive and well-written piece that I’ve read on the subject to date. It’s a long, but worthwhile read, and I am exploring it as a series here. The first part dealt with custody and co-parenting terminology, the basics. Below is part two of the series.

As always, your comments and questions are welcome.

FIVE CATEGORIES OF POST-DIVORCE SPOUSAL RELATIONSHIPS

Ahrons 2 has conceptualized five categories of post-divorce spousal relationships: Perfect Pals, Cooperative Colleagues, Angry Associates, Fiery Foes, and Dissolved Duos. The first two are appropriately referred to as functional co-parenting. The next two are dysfunctional relationships that can manage “parallel parenting” at best. And, the last category, Dissolved Duos, sadly for the children, consists of 100% solo parenting.

PERFECT PALS

Perfect Pals are best friends who were married and have made a mutual decision to go their separate ways. These parents like one another. They usually do all their own legal work and establish a parenting plan that is in the “best interests of the child.” They are flexible and have respect for each other, both as co-parents and as friends. These are the individuals who will be able to celebrate holidays together. Even after remarriage to others, they may, for example, all celebrate Thanksgiving dinner together. When graduation comes, they might purchase one present together for their child and sit together at the ceremony.

COOPERATIVE COLLEAGUES

While still within the co-parenting category, Cooperative Colleagues have a difficult time when they separate. They most likely have attorneys or require a third party to assist in finalizing plans of the marital settlement. Most often these people did not make a mutual decision to separate. They still do not necessarily like each other, but they respect one another as parents. They can separate their parenting from their partnering issues. They support the child’s involvement in each other’s lives and in the lives of the extended families. They are generally courteous to each other. A few times a year, they may have a disagreement that initially will require third party intervention, but they are able to resolve such disputes outside of Court.

Eventually, cooperative colleagues figure out how to avoid getting caught up in the drama of the former partner. At graduation, for example, they may or may not sit together. Either way, they are cordial and not overtly hostile. They will likely feel more comfortable purchasing separate gifts for their child and one might take the graduate to dinner while the other takes him or her to breakfast. These people have let go of each other. They permit and support the child having a relationship with the other parent. As years move on, each is less threatened by the other. The child has two houses and two families under one large conceptual family umbrella.

Now, we move into the more dysfunctional post-divorce relationship categories. Although many still refer to this as co-parenting, I suggest the use of the more apt term, “parallel parenting,” to describe these dynamics.

ANGRY ASSOCIATES

Angry Associates do not know how to emotionally disengage from each other. They are “compatible combatants.”3 They fight well together and thus remain in a destructive relationship from which at least one of the parties was truly attempting to leave. At least one of the partners gets stuck in the emotional process of divorce and cannot move on with life. This can go on for years or, perhaps, a lifetime. These parents are in a persistent and continual power struggle with one another. They regularly require third party intervention (mediators, lawyers, arbitrators, and judges). They do not respect each other as parents, nor as people. Their child becomes a pawn in this unrelenting conflict and his or her childhood is sacrificed to the immaturity of the parents. These are the parents who do not encourage the child to share time with the other parent. Involvement with extended family members is not often a real possibility for the child.

Certainly, if looks could cause harm, injury would happen, (and occasionally does) between these parents. They will definitely choose not to sit near one another at any of their child’s events. More than likely, the parent responsible for the child on graduation day will not encourage the child to acknowledge the other parent, in any way. These parents do not understand that, although they have separated or divorced, the child does not choose to divorce either parent. Unfortunately, these parents see things in black and white, win/loose, and either/or. There is no gray, no win-win in their consciousness. This child will grow up walking on eggshells and scanning the environment to figure out the “right” thing to say and do. The child’s base of operation is one of living in a “war zone.” This child cannot be the loving center of his/her parents’ world. This child exists as the “spoils of war.”

FIERY FOES

The next relationship category, called the Fiery Foes, is one in which the dynamics of the dysfunctional relationship further exacerbate the intensity of the dissolution process. These parents have such disdain for one another that, for example, one of the parents cannot even attend the child’s graduation. Not only does each parent dislike the other, but the child and the eventual grandchild will have to carry the anger down through the generations as to how awful the other parent was as a parent, partner, and yes, human being. The therapist of this child can do nothing more than comfort the child during the therapy sessions. For, after these sessions, the child must return to the family war. The children of these parents suffer psychopathology of the worst order, distress that will assure them of the need for life-long psychotherapy. Often the risks (both physical and emotional) to the child of on-going efforts by their parents at co-parenting are too great. Decisive and sometimes dramatic Court intervention is a virtual necessity with Fiery Foes.

DISSOLVED DUOS

The final category is Dissolved Duos. These parents have reached such an extreme point of pain that one of the parents drops out of the child’s life entirely. The parent typically moves out of state and begins a new family, often never even telling the new spouse that there had ever been another family. This parent would not have even known that their child had graduated. Becoming the departing of the Dissolved Duo is one way to disengage from the emotional pain of divorce, but the price that the child pays in being abandoned is huge.

So…what kind of co-parent are you? If you are not satisfied with your tpye, what kind do you strive to be? What’s stopping you from getting there?

Next up: How a parent’s post-divorce grief impacts co-parenting

09.01.2008 Speak up » Bitter, Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting Stories, Happy endings, Problem...Solved, Resources