A co-parenting dad writes:

“After two-and-a-half years of attempting to co-parent with a uncooperative ex who refuses to communicate with me, who doesn’t attend to our children’s emotional and physical well-being nor to their educational needs, and who persists in dragging our kids into the middle of our conflict–I have filed to modify our custody arrangement from joint custody (50-50) to sole physical custody. What is the best way to talk to my kids, age 10 and 12, about this?”

For an answer, we turned to Indiana-based licensed mental health counselor/therapist and parenting coordinator, Brooke Randolph:

Dad may need to tell the kids that he’s concerned about their safety and peace of mind and would like them to have the consistency of living with him. It is definitely wise to reassure that he is not trying to keep them from their mother and to explain all the ways they will still have contact (visits, phone calls, email) and any special provisions (if they are allowed to call mom any time when only allowed to call friends before 9pm for example). He should let them know that as the parent he thought this was the best thing for them so he has already discussed it with his attorney (letting them know there is no option), but he should ask how they feel about the situation or their opinion; be an open parent. It would also be helpful to explain the court process as much as possible to the kids so they know what to expect and who all the people involved are.

Learn more about parenting coordination and about Brooke Randolph’s professional services here.

Related:

You Are Not Charles Barkley…Or, Why You Must Cooperate With Your Ex

A Family Law Attorney on Co-Parenting

07.03.2009 Speak up » Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, Co-Parenting Stories, Fathers, Legal, Problem...Solved, Resources

When you are a single mom it’s hard to find time to paint your toenails, let alone go out on a date. We don’t have time for rules or drama. We also look at men differently. They could look hot in that pair of jeans but will they be a good father? Would they be a good husband?

Being a single mom isn’t easy. There aren’t any clear answers. But at the very least, we can keep each other company.

So says, Ms. Single Mama, a wonderful resource for and online friend to single moms. If you haven’t checked her out, here’s a taste of her wisdom in the clip below. In it, she answers a reader’s question: “How do I get over my ex?”

07.03.2009 Speak up » Co-Parenting and Dating Series, Dating and Relationships, Happy endings, Healing, Mothers, Problem...Solved, Resources , single moms, single parent

image source

The most common comment/question we receive is from girlfriends regarding their boyfriend’s kids–wanting to spend time with the kids, but the boyfriend or the children’s mother isn’t having it.  Understandably, “meeting the kids” is a Big Step in the relationship, more significant than even “meeting the parents”.  Certainly more is at stake and more has to be considered before introductions involving children take place.

So in this latest installment in our Co-Parenting and Dating series, we offer some insights for girlfriends who wish to understand what a dad might be contemplating when he decides to hold off on this Big Step.  Certainly moms weigh similar considerations, but since we’ve never received a “Why won’t she introduce me to her kids?”-type query, this one’s for the girlfriends:

Read more…

06.30.2009 3 Remarks Bitter, Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting and Dating Series, Dating and Relationships, Divorce, Fathers, Happy endings, Healing, Mothers, Problem...Solved, Resources, step-dating

“Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.”
–St. Augustine

Well, maybe he didn’t have co-parents in mind when he said this, but this is an apt warning for parents who sip the bitter brew.

Are there resentments you’re holding onto that are hindering your co-parenting relationship?  The bitterness is not only toxic to you and to your co-parenting relationship, but more importantly, to your child.  Resentment and true peace cannot co-exist.  What will you let go of today to increase the peace in your children’s lives?

06.29.2009 Speak up » Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, Bitter, Healing, Quote of the Day , quotes, resentment, St. Augustine

3RD STEP DATING TELECONFERENCE -

Step Dating with Adult Children in the Background

Our friends at the Step and Blended Family Institute are back again with the third installment in their step dating teleconference series: Step Dating with Adult Children in the Background.

Here, Step and Blended Family Institute Co-Founder Yvonne Kelly answers the question:

WHY A TELECONFERENCE ON STEP DATING WITH ADULT CHILDREN IN THE MIX?

“Many couples who date at a later stage in life when their children are grown, don’t anticipate any issues or resistance, for exactly that reason – because their children are grown and are for the most part busy with their own lives.  That is why couples are often very taken aback when their own children or their partner’s adult children don’t accept the new relationship readily or actually have a great deal of difficulty with their parent entering into a new relationship and make their thoughts and feelings on the subject very apparent.”

Read more…

06.29.2009 Speak up » Adult Children of Divorce, Co-Parenting and Dating Series, Dating and Relationships, Remarriage, Resources, Stepfamilies, step-dating , adult children, step-dating, Stepfamilies

In the three previous parts of his co-parenting story (links at the end of this part), guest-blogger Carey discussed his “two separate lives” with two women and their children by him.  In this final installment, he provides a post-script to how things turned out after those “two lives” collided:

Read more…

06.24.2009 5 Remarks Co-Parenting Stories, Co-Parenting and Dating Series, Distance Co-Parenting, Fathers, Happy endings, Healing, Stepfamilies

If only that were the last headline of its kind, and these people would continue this process in private.  If only…

We haven’t penned an open letter to Jon and Kate as we did for Nas and Kelis*, because at this point, the kids are already in the fishbowl, and details/innuendo/rumors related to their marital problems are already on record…  They can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.

Authors of the NYT piece below, “In Defense of Jon and Kate”, comment that earnings from the show gave the kids financial stability, a chance to spend more time with their parents, and will probably help them go to college.  We believe only the kids can rightfully say, in the final analysis,  if this was truly the case and if the fishbowl was worth it.

Related:

In Defense of Jon and Kate

An Open Letter to Nas and Kelis

*Looks like someone ignored our advice…

06.23.2009 Speak up » Co-Parenting Stories, Divorce, In the news

A recent comment from Jean on the “My Boyfriend, His Kids, and His Ex…” post:

I have been dating this guy for a year. He only gets to see his kids on the weekends. His girls are 14 and 16. I keep asking to meet his girls, but he keeps saying he doesn’t know if he or the girls are ready. I keep bringing it up every month since March and we almost break up because he keeps saying he needs time to think. We struggle seeing each other because he has to be with the girls every weekend. It would be so much easier if we could do things together. He tells me that they just never talk about him dating so he never talks about it. This just drives me nuts that he will not allow me to meet them. It makes me feel that he is hiding me and that our relationship is not very meaningful to him. I think he only wants to introduce the girls to me when he is ready, but he avoids conflict and I have a gut feeling it will never happen.

My question is how long do I wait for him to introduce me to his girls.Everyone I talk to says its weird and he just doesn’t care about me. I am 43 years old and I want to get remarried. He just turned 45 and has told me that someday he does want to get married. What do I do? How long do I wait?

Read more…

06.23.2009 2 Remarks Co-Parenting and Dating Series, Dating and Relationships, Fathers, step-dating , boyfriend, divorced boyfriend

Part 2 of guest-blogger Carey’s story ended with the mother of his daughter confronting him in a parking lot–with a gun–as his other lover and his young son stood nearby.  He continues his story here in Part 3:

Co-parenting is like the game of Tic-Tac-Toe. Some parents always want to be the “ex” in the middle. The game is won when three “X’s” or three “O’s” are all aligned in one row, not just when the “X” is in the middle. It doesn’t matter if they are aligned diagonally, across or up and down; they just need to be in line. But no, some parents desire to be the “ex” in the center square at all cost. They stay stuck in the middle square failing to grasp the concept of being a team player – a family player.  But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Read more…

06.22.2009 1 Comment Co-Parenting Stories, Co-Parenting and Dating Series, Dating and Relationships, Fathers

Brooke Randolph is a licensed mental health counselor/therapist who also serves as a parenting coordinator. Increasingly, family courts are turning to parenting coordinators to assist co-parents experiencing high levels of conflict.

CoParenting101.org: How are children impacted by parents who remain entangled in conflict after a break up?

Brooke Randolph: Exposure to high levels of interparental conflict has been the strongest predictor of child maladjustment after divorce. Unfortunately up to 25% of divorces result in high conflict during the first two years following the divorce, and up to 15% of families of divorce continue to experience high conflict for several years. When children are under stress, they can withdraw, suffer mood swings, demand more attention, become fearful, lose interest in activities they once enjoyed, have difficulty with schoolwork, become defiant or destructive, experience nightmares, and/or experience physical symptoms. Parents seem to forget that children identify with both parents as part of themselves and experience confusion when they observe one parent rejecting the other.

Read more…

06.19.2009 Speak up » Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, Bitter, Co-Parenting ABCs, Divorce, Legal, Resources , parenting coordination