In other news, water is wet // Co-Parenting 101

Try to overlook the duh factor of the headline for the following article posted on New York’s News10 Now,” Co-parenting Can Be Tough after Divorce.”

One idea I think bears repeating is this one:

“After the marital relationship is over, a new one must be formed.”

I think this is where many parents get hung up. Unfortunately for some people, forming this new co-parenting relationship feels a lot like letting the other parent off the hook for whatever wrongs s/he may have perpetuated in the marriage or during the divorce proceedings. Forming such a relationship requires some degree of letting go of the painful, unresolved issues from the original, marital relationship. Easier said than done, and it can take years…but it’s necessary.

Co-parenting can be tough after divorce
By: Marcie Fraser

If you’re a parent trying to co-parent the kids with your ex, it can be very difficult. What’s best for them? What do you do? What do you decide on? The better the parents get along, the better the children do.

“The success of the divorce is based on in many ways what happens after the divorce. How well parents negotiate co-parenting after they have separated,” said psychologist Dr. Gerald Berger.

“It’s hard because there is a lot of hatred still. I am trying to move on, but I think there is a lot of hatred on my ex-husband’s part,” said divorced mom, Melissa.

In the majority of cases, it takes years after a separation to get used to raising kids apart.

“Successful co-parenting means parents can be civil to each other. They can cooperate among issues that have to do with their kids’ health and safety and adjustment,” Berger said.

It’s not easy to compete with an ex-spouse who may be parenting less and spoiling more.

“I’d go to my mom’s on weekends and that is when all the fun would come out and actually when the problems came because my dad, my stepmom would be, well she’s grounded, she is not allowed to do this, and my mom would be like, this is my house, that is not the same rules,” said Liz Cooper, the child of divorced parents.

“We need to make sure we don’t interfere with the other parent’s parenting and what’s going on in the other household.”

“It is very hard because you have one way of parenting and he has his own way. What I try to do when the kids are with their father, whatever goes, goes. I am not going to rescue you from your father,” said Melissa.

After the marital relationship is over, a new one must be formed. Some people develop a business-like relationship.

“We are in the business of co-parenting and in the business of raising our youngster for the next 15 years and we need to figure out how to cooperate in a business like fashion. What that means is we talk to each other respectively as if you are talking to somebody in business. You realize that in order for our business to be successful or our youngsters to develop successfully, you need to be cooperative,” Berger said.

When there is just too much conflict, some must parallel parent. There are no discussions, no flexibility and the visitations are followed strictly according to the custody agreement.

“There is very little flexibility, but the advantage of that is that it reduces conflict,” said Berger.

In an effort to keep things going smoothly, paying child support is essential, but according to Dr. Berger, not only paying it but paying it on time can make things better.

“There is very strong research that paying child support on time ensures a better outcome for kids both in terms of contact with their parents and in terms of socio- economic status for the children,” Berger said.