I recently found a co-parenting article by Michael Scott (a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a child custody mediator) over at Mediate.com. It is probably the most comprehensive and well-written piece that I’ve read on the subject to date.  It’s a long, but worthwhile read, and I’d like to explore it as a series here.  As always, your comments and questions are welcome.

Part One: What exactly is co-parenting?

A successful divorce is one in which the parents divorce each other but do not require the child to divorce one of the parents, either as a result of parental conflict or by one parent not being available to the child.

The following quote nicely summarizes this knowledge:

The current research examining the effects of divorce on children concludes that a constructive divorce in a family with children requires minimizing the psychic injury to children through continued relationships with both parents and an atmosphere of support and cooperation between the parents.1

Thus, it is a well-established fact that a child experiencing the dissolution of the family structure will do better if the parents are able to get along and reduce trauma in an already traumatic experience. Co-parenting can be a viable option when it is implemented by parents who want it to work because they understand that the child’s needs supersede their own self interest, and it can be successful and rewarding for both the child and the parents.

IMPACT OF SEPARATION AND DIVORCE ON CHILDREN

There are many threatening and frightening things that happen to individuals whose relationship ends up in separation or divorce. When there are no children of the relationship, the adults can separate their lives relatively easily, albeit not without pain. For a child, however, the termination of a nuclear family is, most often, highly traumatizing. Children, who go through separation, and/or divorce, experience abandonment. Generally, this is also their primary fear. Younger children do not have the intellectual resources, or older children the emotional resources to understand this as anything other than, “I am being left by my parent!” When asked, “What do you worry about most?” They often respond with, “I am afraid I will never see one of my parents again.” When children of separation or divorce are asked, “What are your three wishes?” most will usually say something like, “I wish my Mom and Dad were back together.”

A central reason that divorce is so difficult for children is the fact that they have little life experience to understand why their parents would separate and what happens when a parent, or when both parents, leaves the family home. They frequently worry, “If ONE of my parents mysteriously left home today, who is to say that my OTHER parent won’t leave home tomorrow, and there will be nobody left to take care of me?”

Often, children are afraid to ask what will happen. They are afraid they may hear that their worst fear has come true - that their parents have indeed, permanently abandoned by their parents. And, if the parents do not explain what the separation means and doesn’t mean for the child, then the child may remain in a state of chronic anxiety. Sometimes, this anxiety gets expressed as acting-out with aggressive and non-compliant behavior, and sometimes it gets expressed as withdrawn behavior, eating problems, sleeping problems, and/or school problems. So, if a child’s behavior has changed from a usual pattern, it may simply be a red flag being waved saying, “I’m having difficulty dealing with this situation. Can you please help me by explaining what is going on?” Your child needs you to take time to explain in detail what the separation will mean to him or her. This is an excellent time to reassure your children that the separation and divorce are not their fault. It is not something they said, did, felt, or thought that made Daddy or Mommy leave. Give the child a simple explanation of why the separation did take place. Present it in a way that does not put down the other parent.

DEFINITIONS OF TERMS

In dealing with a former partner in the joint task of raising children after separation and/or divorce, it is very important, and clearly very challenging to separate the parenting issues from leftover partnering issues.

So how do former partners jointly parent their children? And what is co-parenting? Let us begin by defining some terms and concepts.

LEGAL CUSTODY

Legal custody is a designation of parental authority to make major decisions regarding the health, education, and welfare of the child. Some examples of such issues that need decisions would be as follows: Does the child need braces? What school will the child attend? What religion will the child practice? The typical options for Legal Custody are either Sole legal custody, or Joint legal custody. A parent with Sole legal custody has authority to make all major decisions about the child. Parents with Joint legal custody share the authority to make major decisions about their child.

PHYSICAL CUSTODY

Physical custody designates the amount of time a child shares with each parent. The typical options are Sole physical custody or Joint physical custody. A parent with Sole physical custody has responsibility for the child the significant majority of the time. Parents with Joint physical custody share responsibility for the child’s time within a more equitable schedule. It is important to note that neither Joint physical nor Joint legal custody necessarily mean an exactly equal time-sharing arrangement. The legal definitions of these terms have purposely been left general and broad by the legislatures, so that any specific application could take into account the particular needs of a given child and his or her family situation. Any and all time-sharing plans should be based on the very broad standard of “the best interests of the child.” It should take into consideration the child’s developmental needs.

VISITATION

Another term to define is visitation. This is generally considered to be the time that the child shares with the non-custodial parent. Notice these highlighted terms -custody, visitation. They sound like the child is a piece of property, or a prisoner.

Rather than viewing the separated family arrangements in traditional legal terms, it is more valid, psychologically speaking, for physical custody to be conceptualized from the point of view of the child. We know that, with rare exceptions, it is in the child’s best interest to have regular and continuing contact with both parents. And, with very young children (under the age of 4 or 5), it is important if at all possible to have frequent contact with each parent. This is because of their very limited memory, which after only several days fades the image of the missing parent. This all is to say the child’s rights have to supersede the parent’s rights. It is the child’s right to have access to both parents. It is the parent’s obligation and responsibility to be available and to care for the child.

PARENTING PLAN

Less competitive or “fighting words” and more collaborative terminology would be helpful in lowering the stress of an already difficult situation. For example, rather than using the terms “custody” and “visitation,” I suggest using the more emotionally neutral term, “parenting plan.” This term contains the more normalized concepts of a child sharing time with or living with each parent at different times. In a written parenting plan, sentences begin with, “The child will share time with (or, live with) each parent according to the following schedule:” rather than, “The Father has visitation on alternate weekends.” Even if the child sees one parent only once a year for a few days, the child is still sharing time and living with that parent during that time period.

The time sharing plan should take into consideration what that child has become accustomed to, regarding the parenting style and arrangement during the time of the intact relationship. This is critical for the adjustment and stability of the child during the often chaotic and stressful period following the break up. If, during the relationship, there had been a primary parent carrying out the major responsibility in time and effort, then such should remain the initial basis of a parenting plan. It need not remain as such forever, but it should begin with the status quo from the child’s view, and be modified gradually over time. It is important to understand that no agreement is written in stone. All parenting plans are negotiable, as various needs arise that necessitate modification of the plan.

If a child is to be with one parent significantly more of the time than with the other parent (for example, when the two parents live a considerable distance from one another), I suggest replacing the traditional term of “custodial parent” with the less emotionally charged concept of “the child’s primary residence” and “the child’s secondary residence.” Of course, if the child shares time fairly equitably between the parents, then there is no need to designate either parent’s residence with such title.

CO-PARENTING

Technically, co-parenting exists with any parenting arrangement, regardless of its formal designation. In whatever way each parent is involved in raising the child, the parents co-parent. Most effective co-parenting arrangements contain the following characteristic dynamics between the parents: cooperation, communication, compromise, and consistency. These dynamics often grow over time and typically take a period of years to evolve effectively.

PARALLEL PARENTING

While meaningful co-parenting can only be carried out by parents in a working, functional, parental relationship, parallel parenting is more characteristic of parents in a dysfunctional relationship dynamic. Parallel parenting manifests when there is an insufficient degree of cooperation, communication, compromise, or consistency to carry out co-parenting. Frequently, in the beginning stages of a separation or divorce, parallel parenting may exist as a result of the lack of trust and sense of betrayal. While most parents are able to work through these dynamics to establish a more cooperative relationship, some parents are not and they remain in a power struggle that affects all negotiations between them. Certainly, when post-divorce parenting arrangements are Court-ordered in an adversarial court battle, such on-going patterns are common.

Children in parallel parenting arrangements often experience heightened anxiety during phone calls from the other parent and during transfers between parents. This anxiety results from the child’s awareness of the great potential for parental fights to ensue at these times. It is important to protect the children from this potential for parental conflict to erupt. Minimizing verbal and physical contact between the parents can help. It is often useful to utilize written communication (letters, faxes, e-mail, etc.), or a third party, for communication purposes.

Next up: What kind of co-parent are you?