B.J., a recent visitor to this site, writes:

I like the site. I think it will give people a chance to explore the idea of divorce thoroughly. It will cause people to stop and think. I would like to see a story about how the friends of a divorced or divorcing couple are affected.

That’s a tough one, B.J. It goes without saying that divorce is a stressful, confusing time for those immediately involved, and it can be for the friends of the divorcing couple as well. If one or both of halves of the divorcing couple expects the friends to take sides, and demands singular loyalty, everyone loses. But, you may wonder, how can you support your friend(s) at this difficult time without taking a side? It’s not easy, but I believe the trick is to encourage your friend as much as you can…without denigrating the other soon-to-be-ex-spouse/ex-spouse. Be there when they need a shoulder or an ear; take your friend out for a spa day; lend a hand by babysitting the kids; invite your buddy for drinks…all of that can be done without impugning the character of the ex.

It’s to be expected that your friend will need to rant and vent and maybe call her ex some colorful names, but being a good friend doesn’t require you to call him names too. First, sometimes divorcing couples reconcile, and believe me, your friend won’t forget that you called her husband a fat jerk. That aside, your bashing the ex doesn’t serve any purpose but to inflame an already raging, potentially damaging fire. You don’t have to try and convince your friend that his ex is a saint; just listening will suffice.

There’s a fine, but very important line between agreeing that your friend’s soon-to-be-ex-husband should not have introduced the kids to someone he met at a bar two days earlier…and saying that he’s the worst father on the planet and will never change. (This may well be true, but you don’t have to say it.)

One thing your friends will likely expect from you is that you keep their confidences, and as long as they are not trying to hire a contract killer to off the ex, stay mum on the stuff that they share with you. This may be difficult if both halves of the couple are confiding in you, and the couple themselves may not make this easy for you, but it’s a must. If you feel trapped in the middle, sit down with your friends, and tell them that. Tell them that you’d like to support each of them during this rough time, but you’re not sure how. Tell them that asking you to take sides is unfair to you, and doesn’t really benefit either of them. If the couple is volatile, such a sit-down may not be possible or productive, and again you may be faced with a no-win situation. All you can do is try.

Your divorcing friends may even confuse matters further by being unclear about what they really need from you, and they may send mixed signals. Because divorce is such an emotional time, very few people get it “right”, especially at the beginning. This is no less true for friends of divorcing couples. So, once the dust settles, there may need to be a timing of healing and reconciliation amongst friends. You may discover that divorce has reshaped your friendships, and it may take some time for everyone to get used to the new shape of things. Here I think the old adage, “time heals all wounds” may be apropos. But, if you can sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your friends, that’s great too.

Be forward thinking–something your divorcing friends, who may be mired in conflict,, aren’t always able to do. They won’t be arguing about the settlement and custody forever, and when that’s all over with, what kind of relationship would you like to have with each of them? A litmus test: Is your wise counsel and support today such that it contributes to the future health of your friendships?

I’d also encourage you to grow a thick skin. Few people are at their best during a divorce. They are in crisis mode, especially if they have kids whose needs they are trying to meet under less-than-ideal circumstances. So cut your friend some slack if she doesn’t return your calls right away or forgets your birthday, or if he dominates every conversation with complaints about attorney’s fees or his disappointing match.com dates. All this too shall pass. But if the one-sidedness continues once things have settled down, then by all means, call your friend on it.

Now, so far, I’ve presumed that the friends of the divorced/divorcing couple want to stay connected to the couple during this tumultuous time. Sadly, some friends don’t, and friendships die. Some people are so disappointed or disapproving of their friends’ divorce, that they feel compelled to end the friendship. Others opt, consciously or subconsciously, to avoid both parties for fear of being asked to choose sides. They pull the plug on the friendship–perhaps prematurely or unnecessarily, because not all divorcing couples make such demands on their friends.

Other people avoid the divorcing couple for fear, it seems, of divorce cooties. Maybe the specific issues the divorcing couple is dealing with hit a little too close to home for the couple-friends. Maybe one of the friends is worried that his or her spouse is spending too much time with the divorcing friend of the same sex and may be unduly influenced.

Finally, some friends immediately align themselves with the person in the couple whom they feel was most wronged, or the person who did not file for the divorce (Note: Sometimes, this is not the same person). This is a form of taking sides, and may be hurtful to the friend who is abruptly cut off. Remember, the issues in many divorces aren’t so black-and-white. Just as it takes two to make a marriage work, both parties can contribute to its failure over the course of years.

Given that this is “CoParenting101.org”, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the kids. If your divorcing/divorced friends insist you take sides, tell them that you are taking the side of their child/ren, and proceed accordingly.

If you aren’t sure how to support your friends during this time, use the kid litmus test. “Will the advice I give or the tenor of my conversation help or hinder my friend as a co-parent?” If you know that while your friend is on the phone with you talking about her ex like a dog, her kids are in the same room, change the subject. If your friend tells you he plans to confront his soon-to-be-ex about her infidelity at the upcoming Parents Night at school, don’t encourage this behavior.

In fact, I’ll go even further and say that as a friend, you have a responsibility, generally speaking, to speak up if your divorcing friend is doing something that you feel will harm her child and/or the child’s relationship with either of her parents. Now, your friend might not appreciate your unsolicited personal/parenting advice, so it’ll be your judgment call when and how to speak, and when to hold your tongue (hence “generally speaking”, above).

Overall, I would encourage friends of divorcing couples to ride it out, if you can. It’s no walk in the park, but your friends need you, perhaps more than ever before.

What say you? If you have friends who are divorced/divorcing, how has this affected you?

ETA (edited to add): I (Deesha) am showing my bias by neglecting to address a very important aspect of B.J.’s question. Some friends of divorced/divorcing couples may mourn the loss of their friends’ marriage, the loss of the couple they once knew. I have to admit my bias because, in the midst of dealing with my own troubles, I was indeed stunned by friends who told me they cried when they heard about my pending divorce. I have since come to understand this better, and know that friends of divorced/divorcing couple are a lot like co-parents: we have to learn to forge new, different relationships post-divorce. And like co-parenting, it’s not easy, but it’s most definitely worth it.