The ABCs of Co-Parenting: part four in a series // Co-Parenting 101

I recently found a co-parenting article by Michael Scott (a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a child custody mediator) over at Mediate.com. It is probably the most comprehensive and well-written piece that I’ve read on the subject to date. It’s a long, but worthwhile read, and I am exploring it as a series here. The first part dealt with custody and co-parenting terminology, the basics. In part two, Scott identified 5 different co-parenting relationships. In part three, he discusses how grief impacts co-parenting success. Below, in the fourth and final part in this series, Scott explores the evolution of a relationship from romance and/or marriage to divorce and/or co-parenting.

As always, your comments and questions are welcome.

EVOLUTION OF THE RELATIONSHIP

There are four stages in the evolution of a relationship from a beginning romance and/or marriage towards a divorce and co-parenting relationship. The first is the stage of “intimacy.” This is when you get together, are in love, and the world looks fine. The second stage may best be termed “negative intensity.” This is when the relationship is falling apart and separation and divorce are in the works. The third is the stage of “building a structured agreement” for how to continue raising the children in the context of separation or divorce. In this stage, the parents must form a business-like relationship and clarify the time-scheduling plan for the children and the rules of conduct for how the parents agree to conduct themselves after separation and divorce.

The last is the stage of “emotional disengagement.” It is in this stage that you reassess and establish a post-divorce relationship with each other, which can range from Perfect Pals to Dissolved Duos. Hopefully you will end up, minimally, as Cooperative Colleagues, being courteous and civil in your interactions with one another. Unfortunately, many divorcing parents try to move directly from stage two to stage four without going through stage three. Bypassing stage three (building a structured agreement) does not allow for the necessary tasks of structuring a co-parenting agreement that prevents the children from being used as pawns between the parents as they continue to act on their negative feelings towards one another. This, unfairly, puts further stress on the child, and it should be avoided.

Divorce and separation do not automatically result in the parents realizing that now they must work together differently from how they did when they were together. Do not expect miracles. Your former partner is not going to wake up all of a sudden and say, “Oh gee, now I understand what s/he wanted. I will act appropriately.” A parenting plan is a map. It is a map of how the two parents will continue to raise their child. However, just as a road map does not teach you HOW to drive the car safely on the road, but merely shows you the territory, the parenting map simply describes in detail the territory of co-parenting. You are solely responsible for your own behavior in following this map. The more communication and parenting skills you pick up along the way, the safer the journey will be for your children.

Developing understanding and empathy for the other parent are essential in using the map effectively. You can still have accidents, despite the map that you create. Individual counseling, or some other guided experience in self-awareness can be a benefit to you in relating to your former partner. Oftentimes, individual counseling is very effective in figuring out your own boundaries. If both individuals are willing, divorce counseling aimed at learning communication skills can be very helpful for untangling the old emotional hooks and learning effective ways to co-parent, for your child’s sake.

IMAGINING THE FUTURE

Imagine that you are attending your child’s twenty-fifth birthday, or wedding. Will your child be able to look at the two of you on this day of celebration and say the following? “I would like to honor my Mom and Dad for their love of me. They were able to navigate through a difficult situation and protect me from the storm. I love you both for showing me how to be a human being.” Or, will your child look out and not see one or either of you there, because of your unresolved anger towards each other?

A child has the right to love both parents. Give your child that as a gift. It will be profoundly appreciated and everlasting.

FOOTNOTES:

1. See Ahrons, C. R. and Rodgers, R. H. (1987). Divorced Families. NY: W. W. Norton.

2. Ibid.

3. This term was used by Virginia Scott and George Daub during a presentation of their “Family Wellness” Series, Santa Cruz, CA (1984).

4. See Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. London: Collier-Macmillan, Ltd.

5. See Johnston, J. and Campbell, L. (1988). Impasses of Divorce. NY: The Free Press.

Michael Scott is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a child custody mediator. He has been a therapist since 1982 and maintains a private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. Since 1985, Michael has served as a child custody mediator for The County of Santa Cruz Superior Court. He is an educator offering workshops both nationally and internationally on marriage, divorce, parenting, education, personal and professional development, conflict resolution, and the developmental needs of children.