There are many surprises that we encounter when life throws the divorce curveball at us. Since my separation and divorce several years ago, I have had many. Enough, in fact, that it is difficult for me to choose a favorite! Was it the cousin that, upon seeing me and my (now) fiancee, Sherry, in the grocery store, assumed I was on a secret rendezvous, refused to speak to me and ran the other way (yes, ran!). Or, was it the several friends and colleagues who, despite knowing how important my children are to me, assumed that I would move to New York to get a better job and get away from my ex-wife, Deesha.

One recent set of surprises inspired me to write this, my first solo post, for CoParenting101. As you may have seen elsewhere on this site, I am recently engaged to be married. In the weeks leading up to my engagement, I told friends and colleagues of my plans for for the event – I mentioned how I had told my children, spoken to Sherry’s mom and told my own parents. Almost without exception, these folks, after offering their heartfelt congratulations, asked in the gravest and most concerned tones, “What did Deesha say?” I was caught up short each time it happened.

Now I could be accused of being a naif when it comes to relationship matters. It wouldn’t be the first time. However, in this case, it was not the notion that a person might be upset by word of their ex-spouse’s pending nuptials that took me aback. Songs have been written about that exact situation. No, I was surprised by such a question from folks that know me well and are quite aware of my unusually amicable relationship with Deesha. From coordinating kids activities on almost a daily basis to taking a vacation as a family each year to playing cards with our respective significant others, Deesha and I had managed to forge a very good post-divorce relationship, by any account. It struck me, then, that something more was going on here. Clearly, despite all the evidence to the contrary, the expectation was that an “ex” WILL lose their mind in these situations, positive relationship notwithstanding.

Did they think that Deesha and I were misrepresenting and exaggerating our post-divorce relationship? Did they assume that all bets were off once remarriage was involved? Deesha had met, Sherry. Was she harboring some ill feelings toward Sherry that I didn’t know about? All this and more was running through my head as I dialed Deesha’s number.

[Me] “Hey, its me. Are you planning to get crazy once Sherry and I get married?” (Yes, I went there.)

[Deesha, pausing clearly caught off guard] “No! Why would you ask that?”

[Me] (Pause.) “I don’t know exactly. I think you are supposed to get crazy. Everybody says so!”

I feel the need to say at this point that I do not take lightly those terrible situations that exist, where the ex does get crazy. Or those where the speed or recklessness or other undesirable circumstances of the remarriage are hurtful or upsetting to an ex-spouse. Suffice it to say, my incredulity was due solely to the specifics of my situation and what I assumed folks would understand.

In any event, the whole thing got me to thinking about the “relationship” part of the “co-parenting relationship”. It seems to me that, while the idea of putting children first is the proverbial horse that pulls the co-parenting cart, the relationship between co-parents is very much like the wheels. If Deesha and I put our children’s needs first, they will be well served. They will know and feel that we love them and care for them and put their needs at the top of our priority list. Like the horse, our commitent to putting the kids first is what sets the direction of our family’s cart and makes it move. However, as those of you trying to coparent with a jerk understand quite well, if you have no relationship at all with your co-parent, it can be more difficult to put your child’s needs first. The horse can pull the cart in a given direction, but without wheels, the cart will move very slowly and the ride will be rough. Some would say that working on the co-parenting relationship is a direct consequence of putting your child’s needs first.

I am blessed to be co-parenting with someone that I actually like and with whom I can say I have a friendship. I am made well aware almost everyday that my situation is very unusual. My assumption that others understood this relationship and how it flowed naturally from our fierce commitment to our children is what made their questions such a surprise to me. Hopefully, someday, it will be taken as a given that children come first and that civility, cordiality and cooperation between co-parents after divorce is the rule rather than the exception. If that day ever comes, then questions like “What did your ‘ex’ say” after you announce your engagement will be much rarer and that would be a most pleasant surprise!