Inspired by the example of the women who founded Bonus Families, here’s an interview I conducted with Sherry, the brand-spanking-new fiancée of Mike, my ex-husband and the co-founder of this site. We hope this glimpse into our lives will encourage others in similar situations. ~Deesha

Before you met Mike, you used to say that you would never date a man with kids. Why did you have that “rule”? Why did you ultimately break it?

I had that rule because I’d seen many a friend and family member go throurh dramatic situations with irate “baby’s moms” and insecure “baby’s dads”–men and women who didn’t know how to keep the relationship boundaries appropriate. I didn’t want to have to deal with the hassle of some woman I’d never met putting constraints and restrictions on my relationship. I didn’t want the stress, strain and toll that it takes on the guy.

The reason I ended up breaking that rule was because there wasn’t any of that drama with Michael. There wasn’t any of the “baby’s momma drama” or the “baby’s daddy” issues. It was just a mother and father trying their darndest to make one of the most difficult decisions affecting their children work as smoothly as possible. And, while there were uncertainties, those thoughts and feelings were brought to the forefront with sensitivity, respect and with an understanding that decisions in the end were going to be made in the absolute best interest of the children.

You dated Mike for a few years before he introduced the girls to you, and initially, it was as a friend. Why did you take this slow approach?

I personally wanted to make sure that everyone was happy and comfortable. I didn’t want the girls to feel like I was moving in and trying to take their father away from them. I wanted them to understand that as much as I cared about their father, I also respected his relationship with them. I wanted them to understand that I’d never put the relationship between us before or over their relationship with him.

As you know, Mike and I resolved not to subject our kids to the potential revolving door of our dating lives; we decided early on that the kids wouldn’t meet anyone unless we felt strongly that this person was The One, and not until the time was right in terms of the girls’ adjustment to the divorce. Still, at times we both found it weird to essentially “hide” our respective serious relationships from the kids. Now we can sit back and chuckle at all the espionage we did, but at the time, was that frustrating for you?

YES!! I respected the fact that home location [Mike and I currently live a block away from each other] was very important for Michael. I also understood the need to have him as close as possible to girls. There were times especially early on where the girls were struggling with the divorce. Dates were post-poned or cancelled, outtings were regulated to where the girls were at the moment. Even simple things like walking to the house or taking the dog for a walk were feats of agility becase we didn’t want the girls to know about our relationship prior to their and our readiness.I could also see the wear and tear of this 007, secret life on Michael too.

I think the most frustrating thing was feeling (at times) like I was in the passenger seat of my relationship. What helped me through was being able to express to Michael my feelings and having him understand the unique situation I was in. He always let me know that while the well-being of his daughters was of uttermost importance, I was very special to him too and that the ultimate decision to stay or leave was mine. What also helped was the respect that I had for how the two of you were approaching your divorce and the sacrifices you both were making regarding your own personal happiness.

You and I both have friends and family shaking their heads at the fact that we get along so well, that–dare I say it?–we’re friends. I am proud of the fact that we skipped right over mere civility to the point of hanging out together informally, socializing, and dealing with the daily minutiae of parenting and childcare. But as you know, one doubting Thomas in particular went so far as to refer to the interactions among the four of us [including my boyfriend] as our “twisted” lifestyle. What do you wish disbelieving folks could understand about what we’re trying to do–besides the fact that we are NOT swingers?

For me the biggest thing that I’d want those “doubting Thomases” to understand is that it’s all about the kids. The kids watch, do, ponder, and reflect your every action. Part of the reason that I was so accepted by the girls is because we adults were able to get along, genuinely. I’m not saying that everyone has to be friends, however kids know when mom or dad doesn’t like their ex-partner’s significant other. As the biological parents, your input and reaction, no matter how subtle, will and does affect the children and, therefore, the relationship with the new partner.

I don’t have any children and this upcoming marriage with Michael will be my only one, and if you had been mean or hurtful or even just indifferent, that would have been a huge stumbling block regarding my ability to get to know the girls and vice versa. The girls needed to see that even with this hurtful thing called “divorce” entering their lives, the adults in their lives care more about their (the girls) happiness than about making ex-spouses and their partners unhappy.

What advice would you give others, particularly women, who are dating someone who is divorced with children?

That there is a time and place for everthing. If you’re two months into the relationship, and the divorce is still fresh, you don’t need to join everyone at the school play. It might be a little too soon for that. And don’t feel offended if he doesn’t ask you. Again, especially if the relationship is new, it may not be the best time to introduce the relationship to the rest of the world.

Until your own relationship with the children has been built and cultivated DON’T EVER BAD-MOUTH EITHER PARENT!! There will be time for joking and fun. The beginning of the relationship is a tender time for everyone and you need to be aware that, for a while, you are the outsider. Just because your partner dogs his ex out doesn’t mean that you get to. The last thing the kids need to overhear is you co-hating on their mother.

No matter what your opinion is about your partners ex, she is still the mother of his children and should be respected. If you feel that she’d encroaching on boundaries, you need to address you concerns in a sensitive maner with your partner and have him pose the issue to her. He’s the one with the relationship with her and knows best how to address issues concerning her.

Be aware that everyone in the situation has a little scar tissue. It takes time to get over hurts and disappointments. He may not open up to you immediately, but the more you’re willing to understand his situation and communicate openly, the more he’ll open up to you.

The most important bit of advice I’d give would be to trust that your partner knows his children.Take his cues and advice regarding how to handle his kids: their likes, dislikes, how to approach them. Even if he doesn’t know their favorite TV show, he still has a better knowledge of them than you do.

Last and perhaps most important question. The next Spades game: Your place or mine?

LOL!! Yours, until we find a house.