On airplanes, flight attendants routinely instruct parents to put on their own oxygen mask first, and then place the mask on their children, in the event of an emergency.A popular parenting metaphor uses this scenario to remind parents that in order to take good care of their children, they must first take care of themselves. Divorce is an “emergency” of sorts, a crisis, a less-than-ideal situation in which both your well-being and your child’s are at stake. In the wake of divorce, what form does the “oxygen mask” take for parents? How can parents help themselves so that they can in turn help their children? Here are some suggestions:

1. Seek therapeutic and/or spiritual counseling. Divorce (and separation) can take a social, emotional, financial, and sometimes even physical toll on a parent–even the parent who initiated the proceedings. Don’t hesitate to get for professional help.

2. Surround yourself with positive people who care about you and your children. Reach out to affirming friends and relatives. Uncle Lou, who spoils your kids rotten and loves you unconditionally, is a better choice than Aunt Betty who thinks your ex is evil incarnate and says so every chance she gets. Seek out an informal or formal divorce support group. Too often, the shame and guilt associated with divorce keep those in need from finding comfort amongst their loved ones.

3. In additional to outside counsel and support, if you pray or have another spiritual practice, do it.

4. Call in the reinforcements: grandparents, friends, neighbors, playdates–declare a kid-free day or weekend for yourself. Sleep in. Veg. Ignore the laundry. Rest your body and your mind.

5. Take care of your basic needs. In the midst of the upheaval that comes with separation and divorce, it’s very easy to forget the obvious, especially as a parent. Eat well*. Get enough sleep*. Exercise. Drink water.

6. Familiarize yourself with the signs and symptoms of depression, which include significant changes in appetite (increased or decreased); significant weight loss or gain; sleep difficulties (insomnia or oversleeping); difficulty focusing; and feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness. If need be, seek treatment.

7. Clean house. You may not have the wherewithal to always do so figuratively, but do your best to de-clutter and let go of any painful reminders of the relationship that has ended. However, not so fast tossing your wedding photo or group family photos. Your children will continue to cherish these; you may wish to place them in your child’s bedroom.

8. Keep a journal. If you cannot confide in a trusted friend or relative, put your angry, sad, disappointed feelings in writing. This will help minimize conflict with your ex (or soon-to-be-ex) because these feelings won’t constantly be directed at him or her–or your child.

9. Treat yourself. Money may be too tight for a spa day–divorce is certainly not a good time for extensive “retail therapy”–but you can check out some new books, rent a movie, get a hair cut, or organize a potluck dinner or zoo outing with friends or other single/newly-single parents you know.

10. Try seeing your ex through your child’s eyes when you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed by anger and hurt. Remember that to you your ex may be “the enemy”, but she is first and foremost your fellow co-parent.

11. Familiarize yourself with the stages of divorce grief. They are (in no particular order): denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Ride the waves of this grief. Don’t fight it, and eventually you will come out on the other side of it whole and prepared to move on.

12. Resist the urge to fall immediately into another intimate relationship as soon as your prior one ends. Chances are, even as lonely and neglected as you may feel, you’re not ready. Losing yourself in someone else is an easy but unwise means of masking your grief and pain. Hooking up with someone new in order to make your ex jealous or to get back at him is also a bad idea (not to mention really immature, and unfair to the new person). More importantly, your child, who is also grieving, is most certainly not ready to meet your new “man” or “woman”.

13. Read books and consult other resources on this site and elsewhere. There is a plethora of information available to help you navigate your divorce recovery. One worthy resource we’ve found is a series of exercises called The Phoenix Ritual:

The definition of a phoenix:

a legendary bird which according to one account lived 500 years, burned itself to ashes on a pyre, and rose alive from the ashes to live another period

In many ways this is what divorce is about. The often painful end of part of our life and the beginning of another. Like the phoenix, we get burnt by divorce but we can get up out of the ashes and live a full and productive life again.

This free PDF file is a series of exercises designed to help you through that process by providing closure and a new beginning.

You can download this series at NewLifeAfterDivorce.com.

The road to post-divorce healing isn’t always smooth, and our journey along it is a marathon, not a sprint. But as parents, it is a journey, however arduous, that we must complete for ourselves and for our children.