Since we’ve been focusing on the holidays this week, I read the following post on BlogHer with interest:
I’m desperate for some advice, my BFF is in a terrible sad dilemma:
Her dirtbag ex (he cheated on her!) wants to take her kids away from her for the holiday break. They have joint-custody, and she’s feeling so much pressure, she’s been crying non-stop to me on the phone every night. She’s NEVER been away from her kids at Christmas, and I’ll be away with my in-laws, leaving her totally alone.
Her ex is now dating a MUCH YOUNGER trampy girl, who’s got free access to a fancy ski house in Colorado. The ex called the kids and invited (them only!) to spend the holidays with him and his new “flame.” The whole thing makes me sick because she’s such a wimp, she’s afraid to say no, especially since her kids are begging her nonstop. They think they’ll never get a chance to go somewhere fancy (and free) like that again. I suggested my BFF write into my favorite advice column, “AMY VS. JOHN” at Wetv dot com (Do any of you read it?? It’s great, so funny!) and they actually answered her question the very next week. The woman said tell your ex, “NO, NO, NO!!!” But the guy said to let them go and have fun. Who do you moms agree with??? Should a mother EVER be separated from her kids at Christmas????
Please give us some advice…THANKS!
My response:
Should a mother EVER be separated from her kids at Christmas????
Maybe.
When a couple divorces and have joint custody, most if not all of the time, the kids will be with one parent and not the other. Christmas is no exception. This couple should have a plan in place well in advance of Christmas for how the kids will spend the holidays. Some couples alternate years; others are able to get along well enough that the kids can be with both parents. Either way, there should be a mutually agreeable plan in place, in advance.
In short, your friend doesn’t automatically get to have the kids with her just because she’s their mom. He’s their dad…and has joint custody. How long have they been divorced? How many Christmases has he spent without the kids?
That said, Dad is however way out of line by calling and talking to the kids about this invitation first. His holiday plan should have been a REQUEST made to Mom. If she isn’t emotionally prepared to be without the kids this year (and it sounds like he might not have given her much notice), she could have said “no” to his request and offered to have them spend Christmas with him next year.
On the other other hand, however, it sounds like the only person who has a problem with the invitation is your friend. If the kids really want to go with Dad, and it doesn’t sound like she has any safety concerns (last I checked with the CDC, “trampy” and “dirtbaggery” aren’t catching), then she should consider letting them go. Her loneliness isn’t sufficient reason for them not to go. That’s a grown-up problem that she needs to attend to.
We have lots of advice for co-parenting during the holidays at CoParenting101.org
All the best to your BFF and her family!
~Deesha
You know, the guy does sound like a jerk, he is still their father. I am on the opposite side of this situation – I am the new, younger girlfriend (not a tramp though!). In all the years I have been with my man, who I now have a child with and am marrying next year, we never ever have his two other sons with us. Their biological mom ALWAYS gets them at Christmas because she, like BFF cannot bear the thought of holidays without them. Even if the dad is a jerk, they should rotate holidays. It’s more fair to the kids, plain and simple. When you are raising children with someone you make sacrifices. So far in my relationship we get the Fourth of July, she gets Christmas. I think it’s a shame the older boys might never get a chance to see their little brother open some of his first Christmas presents. Just something to think about and I hope things get better for BFF!
Side note – if the woman really is a tramp and they do things like have sex in front of the kids then heck no don’t let them go, but short of something detrimental and harmful to the children I think it’s best to rotate holidays!
Hi, Lu…Thanks for stopping by and for commenting. You raised a good point that I didn’t in my response: unless the girlfriend’s “trampiness” is on display in front of the kids (sex at the dinner table, orgy whilst the kids are watching TV in the next room, etc.), then it’s really irrelevant to the situation. The important thing is that the kids be allowed to have a healthy relationship with both parents, including shared holidays. This, like so much of our post-divorce/break-up reality, requires sacrifice. Thanks for mentioning that all-important word.
You have great timing as I have been composing a post in my head about new partners/spouses and how they can sometimes directly or indirectly hinder a healthy co-parenting relationship between exes. However, it sounds like your future stepsons have a future stepmom who supports their father’s co-parenting efforts. Lucky boys!
Don’t be a stranger…and…I’m so glad you’re “not a tramp.” (Sorry, lol, I couldn’t resist!).
~Deesha