From Canada comes an article that examines the conditions that Madonna (allegedly?) put forth to control her children’s environment when they are with their father, Guy Ritchie, in the wake of the couple’s divorce. The article responds to several of the conditions, which include things like:

“They should not be bought toys which are spiritually or ethically unsound. At bedtime, Guy should read David the English Rose books Madonna wrote.”“

“Guy should not discuss the separation with them.” and

“Their hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spay if they are in public places.”

I believe this article has value not because Madonna’s name is attached to it, though that certainly attracts attention. I believe it has value because the author uses Madonna’s list of conditions as a springboard for discussing some some important co-parenting principles. For example:

“Divorce is stressful and places huge emotional demands on all family members. Very simply, three factors help children of all ages adjust to separation and divorce:

• Having a strong relationship with both parents.
• Good parenting.
• Minimal exposure to conflict — this includes passive-aggressive behaviours that express anger and contempt used to control or undermine the other parent.”

In an ideal world, Madonna’s list of conditions (if true) would be presented to her ex-husband as a list of requests as opposed to inflexible demands, the beginning of a dialog between them about how to make their separate households as stable and consistent for their children as possible. This should be the ultimate goal between co-parents–stability and consistency for the kids–not controlling and micro-managing the other parent’s house.

This is not to say that Madonna, or other co-parents who have “conditions”, are wholly unreasonable or that they don’t have a right to be concerned about their children’s well-being. We are parents 24/7 regardless of whose custody our children are in at any given moment. But if we are to avoid 24/7 conflict with our co-parents, there has to be some give and take, as well as respect for different parenting perspectives and styles.

In our family, the kids watch more television and eat more organic food at one house than they do the other. That’s what we consider minor league stuff. On the majors–discipline and hygiene, for example–we build consensus and aim to be on the same page.

Co-parenting is an exercise in choosing your battles, in not majoring in the minors. Maybe you want your child to have regularly disinfected hands, a strictly organic, cruelty-free diet, and no access to modern technology, when she is with your co-parent. But maybe your co-parent is unwilling or unable to accommodate this at her house. This is an extreme example, but whenever such conflicts arise, unless a child is in grave, immediate danger, compromise and flexibility should rule the day because co-parenting is also an exercise in letting go.

For co-parents who struggle in this regard, a good place to start is working to let go of the anger, disappointment, and bitterness–however rightful–that may lie at the heart of this desire to control. I wrote “working” in the preceding sentence for a reason; this isn’t easy. As the aforementioned article concludes:

“While these can be challenging goals to meet, there are many counselling resources and books available on the topic to help when you’re stuck. Overall, be consistent, be loving, and reassure them that their needs will be met. Courage, wisdom, and a balanced sense of fair play will also take you far on the road to recovery.”