So what are you giving your ex for Christmas?

No, not a lump of coal! Leave the naughty-or-nice list to Santa. For co-parents, the gift-giving principles are a bit more nuanced.

Some people wonder if it’s appropriate “ex etiquette” to give their co-parent a gift during the holidays, or on other occasions such as birthdays, Mother’s Day, or Father’s Day. With a few exceptions (detailed below), we believe it’s not only entirely appropriate, but probably a good idea as you strive to show your kids that the two of you are committed to getting along and that they are still part of a family unit, post-divorce.

That said, you should not feel obligated to give your ex a gift, but if you are so inclined, go for it, understanding the following:

Give from your heart. Some reasons not to give:

1. You just know your ex is going to try to “show you up” in front of the kids by giving you a gift, so you vow to have the last laugh by buying him a big, extravagant gift that is sure to dwarf his comparatively meager offering.

2. You know that if you give your ex a gift, it will piss off her new significant other or spouse.

3. You want to give your ex a “garbage” gift, something tacky or unsavory to show him what you really think of him.

All of these will get you placed at the top of the naughty list!

As for #2, if you are really giving from the heart, but you know it will create drama with the “current”, give some thought to the pros and cons of giving a gift. You may opt instead for a holiday card thanking your ex for being a good co-parent.

But, some wonder, won’t my ex get the wrong idea if I give him or her a gift?

Maybe. But hopefully maturity will rule the day. Again, you may wish to include a card that says, “Thanks for being a great co-parent!” to clarify your intentions.

But won’t my ex think I’m going soft and that he can jerk me around in the divorce proceedings and not play fair?

Hopefully that scenario won’t ensue. But if your divorce proceedings have been intense and combative, your heart probably won’t even be in the gift-giving spirit, and that’s understandable. On the other hand, a gift might be received as an olive branch, especially if, in spite of your legal fight, you’ve managed to keep the ugliness at bay around your children. Again, a “thanks for being a good co-parent” card may be in order.

So…what should I get my ex?

If you decide to give your ex a gift, it should be tasteful. Gone is the era for giving anything “naughty” or remotely pornographic or even intimate, i.e., no lingerie or erotica. For an explanation of this principle please see messages, mixed.

Further, your gift should not be elaborate or expensive. No diamonds or trips. I suppose this goes without saying, but if you find yourself wanting to give like this, check your motives. You don’t want to put your unresolved, lingering feelings for your ex on display. When in doubt, a book from the New York Times bestseller list or one related to your co-parent’s hobby is a can’t-miss gift.

Another idea is a gift centered around a theme that you give in conjunction with your kids. If Mom loves to play golf, some golf accessories from you and the kids would be appropriate.

Chime in: What, if anything, are you getting your ex for the holidays?