In a recent post, VCSMama wrote about the evolution of her co-parenting “team” which includes her child’s father and his girlfriend:

Don’t get me wrong. Like everyone, we have issues. We are still figuring this thing out. I am still waiting to see if they will weather the storms and hoping, secretly, that they will. I imagine that she and I both are still uncertain about the boundaries of our own relationship. Our friends and families aren’t exactly feeling it, although they try. (emphasis mine)

Are your friends and families feeling your efforts to co-parent cooperatively? Do they support what you are trying to do for the sake of your children? Or, are they doubtful about or even outright critical of your co-parenting arrangement?

If the latter is the case, well, we’ve been there. Here are some common myths about co-parenting that we’ve encountered, along with our snappy comebacks how we’ve addressed them.

Myth #1: If you guys can get along so well “for the sake of your kids”, then you should have been able to get along well enough to make your marriage work “for the sake of your kids”.

You are not obligated to defend your decision to co-parent cooperatively, as it is a personal and private one. But sometimes it’s hard to resist responding to such statements (especially when they are stated in mocking, disbelieving kind of tone!). A perfectly sufficient response is: “We are able to get along so well now because we are no longer burdened with the problems that eventually led to our divorce. Now we only have to focus on being the good, low-conflict parents our children deserve.”

This response may yield a follow up query: “You know I always wanted to know why you guys got divorced in the first place.” (It’s interesting that only people who seek to meddle and gossip are this blunt!) A perfectly sufficient response: “I’ll tell you what we told our children: We had grown-up problems that we worked really hard to solve, but ultimately we could not. So we got divorced.”

The above response to Myth #1 can lead to Myth #2:

Myth #2: You guys are always going on and on about how great co-parenting is. You make it sound like divorce is a good thing.

As we’ve said time and time again, we never wanted to be the poster children for divorce. We wished we could have been the poster children for marriage, but things didn’t work out that way. So now, we are committed to doing the best we can as parents in the wake of our divorce. That “best” is striving to co-parent cooperatively. And that is indeed a good thing, compared to the alternative: subjecting our kids to ongoing conflict, confusion, pain, and misery post-divorce.

Myth #3: I bet you guys get along so well/live near each other/vacation together/insert your favorite co-parenting activity here because, secretly, one or both of you still has A Thing for the other.

No, we don’t. I can’t tell you how many times I (Deesha) heard this from guys I dated when they learned that Mike lives around the block. People are so accustomed to discord (if not outright hatred) between exes, that anything less is suspect. It’s sad, really, that so many find it hard to fathom that love for their children is sufficient motivation for parents to communicate and work together in a civil or friendly manner, after a break-up.

In a similar vein:

Myth #4: If you guys keep being nice to each other and spending time together with the kids, you’re going to end up rekindling things.

Um, how does that work exactly? Ooops, I slipped and fell into an intimate relationship with you again? This is not junior high.  Not to say that adult couples never rekindle or remarry, but that’s the exception rather than the rule. We’d like to give most co-parents the benefit of that doubt that if they have gone so far as to take themselves and, more importantly, their children, through the pain and upheaval of divorce, it was only after they searched themselves deeply for “sparks” that could lead to rekindling, and found none.

Myth #5: Be honest. You don’t really want his new wife/her new boyfriend getting close to your kids. You don’t really get along with him/her. How does that saying go, about keeping your enemies closer?

Some co-parents and new partners really do have to “fake the funk” and “play nice” for the sake of the kids. We say, whatever works. As long as the kids are exposed to as little drama and conflict as possible. Let the grown folks deal with grown folks Issues behind the scenes, so that the kids can be free to be kids without having to choose sides or worry about “loyalty.” But, if you are able to cobble together a genuine respect and civility towards your child’s step/bonus parent…wonderful!

~~

If your friends or family think all of this co-parenting “stuff” is weird, let them. Because as long as your kids’ needs are met, you don’t have to answer to anyone for how you and your co-parent choose to conduct your family. After all, the divorce or the break up may have ended the marriage/relationship between the two of you, but your child’s family endures. Albeit a family comprised of two separate households, with two parents leading separate lives…but still a loving, caring family, nonetheless.