After this post, we received a number of emails from women which all varied on the theme of “What degree of contact is appropriate for my boyfriend to have with his ex?” and “My boyfriend hasn’t introduced me to his kids yet.” Our position on co-parenting and dating is discussed in part in the interview I (Deesha) conducted with Mike’s fiancee and our children’s future stepmom, Sherry. But because of the feedback we’ve received, we’ve decided to share more of our thoughts about dating and co-parenting, based on our experiences, on the experiences of people we know, and on good ol’ common sense.Incidentally, our advice is directed at women dating men because, without exception, these are the folks who have reached out to us. But we believe that the same principles still apply in other dating situations.
It’s interesting, however, that men don’t seem to have “meet-the-kids-why-are-you-hanging-around-your-ex” concerns to the same extent that women do. If anything, according to some single guys we know, too many women want to rush their dates/boyfriends into meeting their kids, when the guys would rather proceed more cautiously.
This is a serious topic, but we believe laughter can be the best medicine and a little levity can help bring peace to a tense situation.
So, sometimes with tongue firmly implanted in cheek, we present the following Co-Parenting and Dating FAQs:
My boyfriend’s ex spends all the holidays with him and their kids, and it drives me nuts! Am I wrong to complain?*
It depends. Are shared holidays part of the co-parenting plan your boyfriend and his children’s mother established when they split up? If so, then it’s not so much that you’re wrong than it is that your boyfriend is obliged to honor this component of his agreement with his ex. Remember, divorce ends a marriage, but families endure. Sharing the holidays may be one way that your boyfriend and his ex affirm to their children that though they no longer live together, they are still part of a loving family.
What exactly about this arrangement drives you nuts? Are you never invited to attend? Is your boyfriend’s ex rude or otherwise unwelcoming toward you when you do join them? Are your boyfriend and his ex are a little too “joyous” (i.e., intimate) during these holiday celebrations? If so, address your concerns to your boyfriend. The problem is not the joint holiday celebration per se, but rather your feeling excluded, disrespected, and/or his ex’s attitude toward you.
Barring any of the above…it’s perfectly understandable if seeing your boyfriend interact with his children and his ex makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable. We (Mike and Deesha) routinely socialize together with our kids and our significant others, and yet on occasion we still feel something nudge us inside that says “This is a little weird!” Feeling awkward or uncomfortable is part of the growing pains of being part of a co-parenting family. Name the feelings, own them, and give them time to subside. The more secure you feel in your relationship with your boyfriend, the less threatened you’ll feel by his interactions with his ex and kids.
You’re entitled to your feelings about all of this and should communicate them appropriately (and privately) to your boyfriend. If the two of you are forging a serious relationship, and he’s committed to cooperative parenting with his ex, you’ll need to talk about your relationship going forward within the context of putting his children’s needs first…without turning you into a doormat. It’s an incredible balancing act that should only be attempted by mature adults.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six months, and he still hasn’t introduced me to his daughter. I told him that if he’s serious about me, he’ll let me meet her, and if not, we’re done.
Ultimatums in relationships are rarely a good idea, especially if you don’t have the wherewithal to carry out your “…or else.”
Six months feels like a long time to you, but maybe not so much for your boyfriend. Perhaps he’s still deciding how he feels about you, how committed he is to your relationship, and if it is serious enough to warrant an introduction to his kids. Some parents rightfully keep their kids away from the revolving door of their dating lives. They are very selective about whom they introduce their children to and in what context.
Before our divorce was even finalized, we agreed not to introduce the kids to our “dates”–people we were still getting to know and not sure if we would commit to long-term. We ended up introducing our children to our respective significant others after a year and two years of dating, respectively, once we believed that these people were The Ones we wanted to spend our lives with, and once we believed the kids were ready for introductions to someone new. Our significant others were introduced to the kids gradually, first as “just friends”, and then more as time went on.
Every family is different; the “right” time frame for introductions depends on the status of the new couple, the health of the co-parenting relationship, and the children’s specific needs and concerns. It’s a huge step for children to be introduced to their parent’s significant others. It may conjure fears of being displaced, concerns about having to “compete” for dad’s (or mom’s) attention, and it kills the fantasy many kids have that their parents will get back together. For these reasons, timing can be everything when introducing kids to the new someone in your life.
Ask your boyfriend if he has a time frame in mind for introducing you to this daughter. What are his concerns? How does he think the introduction should take place? Where? How much time will you spend with his daughter at the first meeting? Does the child’s mother have concerns about the child meeting you? These should be addressed as well.
If you are committed to a serious relationship with your boyfriend, let him know that you are also committed to doing what’s best for his kids. Let him know that you honor the fact that his kids come first, but that you would like some reassurance about your presence in his and his children’s lives going forward.
My boyfriend and his ex sleep in the same bed sometimes when he visits his kids. He says nothing happens and it doesn’t mean anything, but I don’t like it.
It’s time to introduce Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler” Rules for Dating a Co-Parent:
“You got to know when to hold ‘em….” So it’s been two months, and your boyfriend hasn’t introduced you to his kids. Sit tight. Hang in there. It’s early yet.
“…know when to fold ‘em…” You’re dating this guy, and every night he calls to say goodnight to his kids. He spends about five minutes talking to the kids, and then 30 minutes talking and laughing with his ex about non-kid stuff and the inside jokes they shared as a couple. As they chit-chat, you sit next to him twiddling your thumbs while watching Dancing with the Stars.
“…know when to walk away…” You’ve dated this guy for three years. He hasn’t introduced you to his kids, and he shushes you whenever his ex calls (which is often), saying, “She’s still raw from the breakup. I haven’t told her about you yet.”
“…know when to run…” Your boyfriend and his ex sleep in the same bed sometimes when he visits his kids. He says nothing happens and it doesn’t mean anything.
If your gut tells you that your boyfriend isn’t over his ex, you’re probably right. Listen to your gut, and move on. If he really is over his ex, and he really is interested in committing to you, he will make it his business to make both crystal clear to you. You shouldn’t have to wonder.
My boyfriend’s babymama won’t let me meet his kids. She says that if he brings the kids around me, she’ll go to court to take away his visitation. Can she do this?
The short answer is, “No, she can’t.” Unless you pose some danger to the children, your presence is not legal grounds for ceasing his visitation.
Sounds like the ex wants to punish your boyfriend for moving on (or other crimes), and thinks that his visitation is fair game. There are few co-parenting matters that infuriate us more than when adults use children as pawns to fight their personal battles and demons.
Hopefully your boyfriend can have a calm conversation with his ex, letting her know that his visitation and your presence in his life have no bearing on each other. He should affirm to her that the kids are and will always be his first priority. Has he offered to let her meet you before you meet the kids? Perhaps that will allay her concerns. But experience tells us that anyone who would threaten to take away visitation to grind their own personal ax isn’t inclined to be so congenial. All you (and your boyfriend) can do is try and to treat her with respect, regardless of her irrational threats.
When you do interact with the kids, your conversation about their mother with them and in front of them should exist along the continuum of neutral to nice. Even if she bad-mouths you and your boyfriend around the kids, the two of you have to be the bigger persons, for the sake of the kids.
Keep in mind that the kids may feel wary or conflicted about meeting you because they know their mother is against it. Respect their position, and don’t be overly chummy or try too hard to get them to like you. Treat them kindly, but give them space. In time, hopefully, the dust will settle between their parents, and the kids will feel free to get to know you.
My boyfriend spends too much time with his ex. How can I get him to see that this isn’t fair to me?
This is a tough one because how much time do you consider too much time? Some women think that their boyfriend shouldn’t spend any time with his ex because if it’s over, it’s over, right? Well, if they have kids, it’s never truly over. They may no longer be a couple, but if they are committed to cooperative parenting, they will have to interact for their kids’ sake. As someone dating a co-parent, part of your adjustment is making peace with this reality.
“Too much time” also depends on the circumstances. Are they spending time together dealing with kid-related concerns (school problems, health or behavior issues, e.g.), or are they just hanging out enjoying each other’s company? The latter is an eyebrow-raiser that you should certainly address with your boyfriend (and see the Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler” Rules for Dating a Co-Parent above).
In our culture, we are so accustomed to nasty divorces or to custody arrangements where kids barely (or never) see one parent, that we question how “normal” it is for ex-spouses to get along, much less spend time in each other’s company. Remember divorce ends a marriage, but families endure. Children need reassurance that they are still part of a loving, caring family. Co-parents who interact in civil and cordial ways and minimize conflict–these parents make life much, much better for kids after divorce. When a new girlfriend (or boyfriend) comes on the scene, it’s important that boundaries between “the old” and “the new” be respected, but the children remain the top priority.
Ask yourself if the real issue is inappropriate contact between your boyfriend and his ex, or if the real issue is your insecurity about your relationship. Do you feel that your boyfriend and his ex are crossing boundaries and not showing you (and the new relationship) the appropriate respect? Your boyfriend should be able to demonstrate his commitment to you in definitive ways that do not require his ex to be used as litmus test. His interaction with his ex (or lack thereof) isn’t a reliable gauge of his commitment to you. Share your concerns with him directly–but take the focus off his ex, if the real issue is concern about your relationship.
The more secure you feel in your relationship with your boyfriend, the less threatened you’ll feel by his interactions with his ex. It’s easy to think, “I’ll feel better if he didn’t spend so much time with her”, when truly what will make you feel better is clarity and reassurance about his commitment to you and your relationship.
My boyfriend vacations with his kids and his ex. Is this normal?
Is it typical? No. But among those committed to cooperative parenting after divorce, it’s not unheard of. Ever summer since our divorce, we have vacationed together with the kids. Our respective significant others have accepted this as part of our commitment to affirming to our daughters that they are still part of a family. One lament that children of divorce have is that they spend all or most of their time with one parent or the other. Many children crave times when everyone can be together “like old times”; some parents sacrifice to give them such times.
Co-parenting (parenting in general!) involves lots of sacrifice, including continued interaction with one’s ex, forgiveness, and getting along for the sake of the kids. By dating (or marrying) a co-parent, you are signing up to sacrifice as well: time, attention, and your comfort zone.
We’re not saying it’s easy knowing that your boyfriend is away with his “old” family. But keep in mind, the kids aren’t “old”–they are very much a part of his present reality. Get on board with his commitment to meeting their needs.
That said, consider the specific circumstances of your boyfriend’s family vacation in light of the Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler” Rules for Dating a Co-Parent above.
My boyfriend won’t insist on boundaries with his ex. She shows up at his house unannounced, interferes with our social plans, calls constantly, bad-mouths our relationship to the kids, and always uses the kids as her excuse for her behavior. Should I put up with this?
No, you shouldn’t. Is your boyfriend worried that insisting on boundaries will anger his ex? If so, he may have to suck it up, have a conversation with her, and deal with the fallout. She may initially chafe at his insistence that she respect his boundaries, but hopefully his calm, matter-of-fact presentation of his expectations will temper her reaction.
Your boyfriend should also reflect on why he’s been so unwilling to insist on boundaries. Are there issues from their relationship that he still needs to heal or resolve?
Finally, as for what you should do, consider your boyfriend situation in light of the Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler” Rules for Dating a Co-Parent above. Perhaps you should give him some time to work out this kink in his relationship with his co-parent. But if the handwriting is on the wall, and he refuses to insist on boundaries, it may be time to fold ‘em.
~~~
Well, that’s the gist of the dating and co-parenting concerns folks have shared with us. Don’t see your situation reflected in the FAQs above? Leave a comment or email us!
Happy dating and co-parenting!
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my boyfriend’s baby’s mother does not want me to be around when he picks up their child or drops him off.She has threatend to stop visitaiton if i show up with him. SHe lives an hour away. She thinks it is disrespectful. i strongly disagree. It really upsets me. i don’ think i can put up with this. He wants to have a fa mily with me and i don’t like the way things are going. Am i wrong and over reacting here?
Hi, Maria,
Thanks for stopping by. It sounds like you are in a tough situation. I will reply in a separate post because I believe other readers might benefit.
Best to you,
~Deesha
My boyfriend with whom I live with constantly has to deal with his ex. I myself has 3 kids…he has 3 kids with her. She will text or call with a question about the kids, has he will quickly respond… She then takes that has she has an audience to go off about our relationship…bashing me in the end. The problem is in the past yr he has left and gone back to live with her(2 wks each time) and tells me two things one he was going back for the kids( which he has 50 50 custody so doesn’t make sence) and two because he couldn’t take me getting on his case that he wasn’t standing up for us and telling her how it is. He has made more of a committment this time with getting on the lease and being on the same bank acct and sharing car insurance but am I crazy for still doubting that he won’t just pack up and leave again. We have a great time together but the second she text or calls the problem starts. He says I’m letting her get to me but I feel like it’s not her getting to me… It’s him disrespecting us and not going out of his way to make me feel comfortable… Am I wrong for thinking he needs to make me comfortable when it comes to this? Please help me my heading is spinning that it is me!
Hi, Jodi,
I believe you’ve answered your own question: The bottom line is that you feel disrespected, and that your boyfriend is not honoring your relationship. You write that he’s making more of a commitment to you know, but the fact remains that he’s walked away from you (and back to the ex) more than once, and he’s unresponsive to your very valid concerns about his ex’s texts. It’s understandable that you would feel doubtful and need affirmation from him that he’s truly committed. You’re not wrong; you shouldn’t have to live in fear that expressing your needs and concerns is going to cause him to walk away again.
When the ex sends the texts bashing you, what is your boyfriend’s response? I can’t imagine what he can possibly say to her when she’s bashing you. Defending you over and over again makes no sense. As you you said, it just gives her an audience. If he ignored her texts, she would eventually stop. That seems like an obvious solution, but maybe there’s more to it?
I hope that your boyfriend can hear your concerns–tell him in specific terms what you need from him to feel better about the situation (i.e., ignoring her texts when they aren’t about the kids–hopefully he can hear you and be responsive. If not, perhaps you are the one who needs to walk.
My boyfriend’s baby’s mother does not want me to be around when he picks up their child or drops her off, she also does not want me there on the visits (shes going to wait outside in the street in front of there house for the visit’s every week) and says if she finds out im around his house when the visits are taking place she will come and take the child at the time of the visit and not let him have her for the next visit etc, they are already going through court beacuse she will not let him see his child by himself and she has to be there, they will be going back to court soon and shes now going to bring up in court about me and she is going to try and stop me being there on the visits, can she do this? (I am not violent, and do not have a criminal record) she lives an half hour away, and the only reason she doesnt want me there is because shes say’s so! and is still not over there break up which happened over a year ago. I personally want to be there and my partner want me to be there, we have now been going out for a year, It really upsets me. He wants to have a family with me and move out in the next 18 months with me, we have tryed being civial to her but it always ends up in a arguement with her slagging me of and she hasnt even meet me properly, i ahve never said anything back to her even when she has been saying stuff about me. she thinks i will harm the child if left alone with her, but personally i think this is just an excuse as i think she is still very bitter about there break up, what would your opinon be if you was in my shoes?
Hi, Ella,
If I were in your shoes, I would let my boyfriend have his day in court, because ultimately the courts–not any of you–will have the final say about who can interact with the child and under what circumstances. A lot will depend on why your boyfriend has supervised visits–are these court-ordered supervised visits, or does the child’s mother do this on her own? If it is based on a court order, will he be asking for unsupervised visits at the upcoming hearing? If supervised visits are not part of a court order, he has more flexibility about who’s around when the child visits, and if the mom tries to cease visitation out of spite, he can take her to court. Generally speaking, a parent can’t ban someone from being around their child unless they pose some sort of threat, but if he hasn’t been granted unsupervised visits by the court, it may be more difficult for him to insist that you be allowed to be around the child. I wish I could offer more support, but ultimately this will come down to the judge’s decision, and all involved will have to abide by it.
Thank you for responding so quickly, the reason why my boyfriend has supervised visits is because the mother of the child says so, he has gone to court once already for unsupervised visits and the reson the mother wouldn’t let him have her was because he didn’t have a good enough bond with his child, and the court granted that he most do a months worth of visits at his house with the mother of the child present, needless to say the child has not cryed or been upset at all around his house and this has made the mother very frustrated, in the last visit she proceeded to say that she was going to lie in court next time and say that the child cryed all the time unless he argees to me never being there on his visits and to sign something in court, when he goes back to court next he is asking to have unsupervised visits as this was the whole reson of going to court in the first place and doing these months worth of visits, my boyfriend now knows that she is going to lie and ultimatly try and make me stay away, she has even told my boyfriends family that if he is granted unsupervised visits with me allowed to be there, she is going to sit outside there house for the whole visit and make sure I am not present and that if I am she is going to come and take the child.
Hi, Ella,
I would suggest two things:
1. Once your boyfriend dispute’s the mother’s lie, he might want to request that a court officer monitor one of the visits and report back to the judge.
2. This may go without saying, but your boyfriend should report the mother’s threats (i.e., coming and taking the child if you are present) so that the judge can let her know that if visits are ordered, she can’t interrupt them on her whim. She still might try, but at least your boyfriend will have gone on record and will have a stronger case if he has to go back to court because she is refusing to honor the visitation request.
And finally, while the two of you can’t control the mother’s actions, try to stay calm around the child, as hard as it may be. The mom can rant, but you and your boyfriend don’t have to respond. Really…there’s nothing to say; the judge will rule. Let the adults battle it out in court (or elsewhere) out of earshot of the child. I’m sure the situation is tense and confusing for the child as it is.
Good luck to you.
Thank you for all you help.
You’re welcome.
Hi my boyfriends ex (babys mom) through out our relationship has never really care when she sees her son, as long as she gets money every month. Most of the time, her son is with my boyfriend and I (for the last 3 years) and she never takes any sort of parental responsabitlity unless she sences that she can have some sort of control on my bf & mines relationship. She does use the child as a pawn, and this has become a strain on my bf & mine’s relationship. Whenever the two of us plan a romantic night for us, she “suddenly” has to go to the gym, or has something else to do that is more important then us making our reservations, thus we must cancel our plans since she cant pick up her son. For her son’s birthday, I planned a trip to an exhibit he wanted to see, and low and behold, she had HER boyfriend pick up her son at the museum becuause “She made some plans and forgot” and he missed out on my gift that I paid for weeks in advance. I do love my BF very much and his son too, but she makes it perfectly clear to me that “this was part of the package” and whatever she chooses to do must be followed as she is “the mom”. In no way did I ever try to take her place, and I have even made it clear to her son that he needs to listen to his mother. She makes threats to my bf all the time becuase his name is not on the birht certificate, and he tired to take her to court for this a few years back but she never showed. Now it has gotten to the point where both me and my bf argue about this, and im not going to lie, the 13 son is in the house in his room at the time, and she now states that she doesnt want me around her son (even though I have fed him, checked his homework, and taken care of him when she’s not around for the last 3 years!) she is doing it to have control of my bf and now he is wanting to leave me. Is this legal of her to be able to place restrictions and only be a “parent” now that my bf finally tries to stand up to her on this matter? I love my bf dearly and I feel as though I am being driven out by his ex. And his reasoning is that she is his childs mom and he needs to respect her wishes, but my response to him is that she is never willing to respect his. I feel like it is a one sided battle. Is it not even worth me trying to salvage a relationship with a person I love, or am I just delusional and wanting to save something that cant be saved? Any advice is soooo much appreciated.
Hi, Lori,
My heart really goes out to you. I can only imagine how hard it is to feel pushed out of a child’s life after you’ve forged a relationship with him and been such an integral part of his world.
Even though the child’s mom may be motivated purely by a desire to control and manipulate your boyfriend, unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do if dad is unwilling to stand his ground.
To your question about the legality of the mom’s behavior, I would say that if she’s the child’s only legally recognized parent, she can place any restrictions she wants. As for your boyfriend’s name not being listed on the child’s birth certificate…that’s perplexing. How is he the primary caregiver of a child over whom he has no legal rights? Does he have an attorney? Even if the mom was a no-show in court, paternity can easily be established. If the child has been in his custody all of this time, he should have at least established guardianship. How does he enroll him in school, get medical care, etc., if he has no legal rights?
Lori, I think you have to ask yourself some hard questions. First, is your boyfriend being completely open with you about the legal situation where his child is concerned? It seems mighty convenient for him to be able to say that, essentially, he has to put up with his ex because he has no legal rights.
Secondly, there is a difference between respecting someone (in this case, the child’s mom) and allowing that person to bulldoze over and manipulate you. Is it that your boyfriend really doesn’t know the difference–or is it just easier for him to let his ex have her way, at the expense of your relationship?
The most telling part, to me, of your comment is this: “…and now he is wanting me to leave.” As hard as it may be to move on, Lori, don’t stay where you’re not wanted. It won’t be easy to move on, but you can’t stick around trying to single-handedly make this relationship work. It takes two.
Best to you,
~Deesha
Deesha,
Thank you very much for the rapid respone. It is very nice to have an outside viewpoint on the current situation. I actually showed this website to my boyfriend after putting up my post, and he said that after searching things out on here, he has more insight on co-parenting challenges that may occur. I am actually the first “serious” relationship he has had, in fact introducing me to his son and even all of us living together, and he expressed that many of the issues that we have been experiencing are all “first’s” for him as well. He also mentioned to me that he sometimes feels helpless and trapped againts his son’s mother’s demands. Hopefully this response can asist him to know that he does have some rights and reason to voice concerns to her as well. And I hope he does do paternity so he can have legal say in his childs life. I am not sure as to why he is not on any paperwork legally, but his son’s mother has stated on all school paperwork and medical forms that my bf is “father”. There have not been any serious issues that have come up for that to come up (thank goodness!) I just really am so grateful for websites like this that can help give some insight to those that are feeling hopeless and lost looking for answers to these tough life situations. I also expressed to him the possiblity of a co-parenting counselor or moderator to help him expressing his feelings to his often combative ex. Maybe that will help him be able to have his concerns heard. Thank you again for everything!
Big sigh of relief, Lori! I’m so glad your boyfriend has gained some insights. It sounds as if his plan going forward has the potential to be beneficial to him as a father, beneficial to your relationship with each other, and most importantly, a big plus for his child in terms of the stability of his family life. Your boyfriend doesn’t desire conflict with his ex–and that’s a good thing. Hopefully he can move forward in a such a way that is in the best interest of the child, and in a way that will model healing and cooperation for the child, also. I wish all of you the best, and I hope that you can find support from a counselor and/or mediator. Take care!
I’m so frustrated. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. He has a young daughter, Eden, with another woman, Brooke. When Brooke found out we had moved in together and that we were having a child of our own, she lost her mind. She said we couldn’t see Eden anymore, that she wasn’t going to be our “practice baby”. We didn’t see Eden for a few weeks afterwards. Finally, after talking to Brooke’s father (she wasn’t sane enough) she allowed another 7 hour visit. She made him promise I would not hold Eden, feed Eden or have anything to do with Eden or she would take her away again. I haven taken some really cute pictures of Eden with Bill (my boyfriend) and Bill’s mother over the past few months and put them online (facebook) for family & friends to see. Well she lost her mind AGAIN and told me to immediately take them down and took Eden away from us again. Bill hasn’t been to court yet for custody and feels so helpless. His anger has been coming out more and today he just lost his mind. His anger with Brooke is coming out on me! I started to pack my bags and was going to get a hotel room. It went that far! I realize he is under alot of stress and so am I. Especially now that I am 5 months pregnant and wondering if I am bringing a child into a bad situation. I love him dearly and together we are happy & loving.
I’m at a loss as to what I should do. This is causing alot of pain & hurt. And it is tearing us apart, which is what she wants. She is so spiteful and angry, I don’t understand it! We have been nothing been civil and respectful towards her! It feels like there is nothing we can do! He just wants to see his daughter.
Hi, Emily,
It’s so unfortunate that you are dealing with this stress and frustration, especially while pregnant. As hard as it may be, the healthiest next step for you is to separate your relationship issues from Bill’s custody issues. While there is no doubt overlap, there are truly areas over which you have no control; the sooner you let go in those areas, the better it will be. Even Bill can’t do anything about Brooke’s threats and withholding visitation until he goes to court–so you certainly can’t do anything about it. It’s not good for anyone for Bill to continue to rage in the meantime. If he can’t get himself together, then you may need to pack those bags again. That’s the part you can control: your participation, whether you stay or go. As much as you care about Eden, you cannot influence custody issues where she is concerned. I hope that you and Bill can keep the peace between the two of you until a judge can make a decision about visitation–a decision that Brooke cannot violate whenever she feels like.
As far as the pictures on Facebook…I would say that a child’s picture shouldn’t appear on Facebook if either parent has any objection. Perhaps you’ve put safeguards in place so that the photo can only be viewed by Friends, but even still…Brooke, as Eden’s mother, has a right to object. I don’t agree that she has the right to withhold visitation for that reason, however.
I wish you all the best,
~Deesha
I’m at a loss right now. My live-in boyfriend and I have been together two years now. I have yet to be able to spend time with his kids that he has from a previous relationship (they are 13 and 10). I have a three year old son of which my boyfriend has taken over to his ex’s house while visiting his children, meaning that she has spent time with my son but he still wont bring his kids over our place when he wants to visit with them so I can also get to know them. I have found on numerous occassions where he has used his children in a lie. Example being; one morning at 3am his ex called, I asked him who it was and he said it was a friend of his. I went through his phone (I know that’s a no no but for right now lets keep that factor aside please) anyways, I saw that it was her that called and I listened to her voicemail she left saying how *she loves and misses him*. I confronted him saying that I know it was her that called and not a friend, his responce was that she was calling to tell him about his daughter because she was sick. Mind you, I already listened to her message (though he did not know this) and it had nothing to do with his daughter. They still have late night phone calls (like 1am, 2am) but he alsways says the kids was up late and wanted to talk to him. He even gets mad when he finds out his ex is sleeping with someone or another man is driving her car; though he tries to hide it from me, I can hear some of the things he says even though he goes outside to talk to her Even in just general conversations, whenever she calls he jumps up and goes outside to talk to her. He gets angry anytime I mention anything about the subject of how he interreacts with his ex. I am now 3 months pregnant with his child and as my emotions are getting more jumbled by my hormones, it’s getting harder for me to know how to handle this, heck, it’s hard enough dealing with it when I wasn’t pregnant. Please give me some advice or your opinion on this matter.
Hi, Carina,
Your hormonal state doesn’t have anything to do with the good-sense realization that the situation with your boyfriend and his ex is suspect. Everything you describe points very clearly to an intimate involvement between your boyfriend and his ex. Even if the intimacy is strictly of a non-physical nature (though my gut tells me there’s more to it), it’s still a level of intimacy that doesn’t appear to jibe with your very reasonable expectations of him as a boyfriend. Further, your boyfriend isn’t being honest with you, as evidenced by his response to your question about the 3 a.m. phone call, and he’s defensive when you question him–as you are right to do–about his interactions with his ex. Unless you are willing to accept your boyfriend’s dishonesty, his defensiveness, and his continued involvement with his ex, my advice would be to walk away from this relationship. I know that that’s easier said than done–especially since you are pregnant–but the picture you paint of your relationship screams “dead end” to me.
It’s not your fault that your boyfriend behaves the way he does; he is responsible for his own actions. But at the end of the day, however, he can only do what you stick around and allow him to do. I would go as far as saying that especially because you are pregnant, you need to leave him if things continue with his ex the way they have–and certainly if his anger at your questioning escalates. His behavior is unfair and disrespectful to you, and certainly not the kind of environment that would be good for a child.
I wish you much peace going forward.
My 2 cents,
~Deesha
I need some advice. I feel like I’m going crazy. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. He has a almost 3 year old daughter and “baby’s momma” that live in another state. He talks to his daughter every night on the phone and tries to visit a few times a year. He hasn’t told his ex that he is in another relationship. Here’s the problem…I am 4 months pregnant and he still hasn’t said anything to his ex or his daughter. I am worried that there is going to be resentment and hard feelings from his daughter down the road if he isn’t just honest about the entire situation. His ex has expressed to him that she still cares about him and wants to be a family. Am I crazy for thinking it is unhealthy to not just be honest with everyone? He thinks that I am pushing too hard about the situation because the baby’s mom will freak out and not allow him to see his daughter. I say the sooner you tell her the faster she can heal from any hurt feelings she may have. I am sick of holding this inside of me just to avoid an argument. What should I do?
I have a 3 week old baby by my boyfriend. I also have a 5 and 6 yr old by my ex.My bf has an 8 yr old by his ex. She willnot allow him to see or speak to his son because she is jealous of our life together, but last year her son had been living with us for a year and a half. i guess my question is can she stop him from speaking over the phone with his son because of the new baby? and he has been paying child support and she moved out of state so he cant see his son is that allowed w/o his consent? Also i am very stressed with the whole situation, how can i cope when he bows down any time she says for him to do something. i.e he can only call after nine once a week , then she might not answer , or he cant mention the baby, but she has 4 kids with 4 different dads , she even tried to say this isn’t his baby and that i was not faithful, that isn’t true at all, the funny thing is that we all know his son isn’t really his but he signed the birth certificate can we still get a dna test to stop the child support.he loves his son but isnt allowed to even talk to him for the last year and there is another man raising his “kid” any way , he does love him but it just isnt fair.
Sally,
It is possible that things are still so raw with your boyfriend’s ex, that he believes waiting to tell her will soften the blow of the news of your pregnancy. However, if your ex thinks that learning of your pregnancy will lead to his child’s mother keeping him from seeing his daughter, then it really doesn’t matter when he tells her. If she is capable of that, he needs to have a court-ordered custody and visitation plan in place to prevent it, if he doesn’t already. If he has a court-order, then he needs to be prepared to go back to court to have it enforced.
As for what you should do…You can either stick with your boyfriend and do things on his timetable, or if the situation is a deal-breaker for you, you can leave. I can understand wanting to get things out in the open, but there’s no guarantee that more time will “speed up” his ex’s healing. It’s not always that simple. The ex may never be accepting of your boyfriend’s relationship with you. Eventually, however, your child will be born, and the ex will find out about it. All you can do is encourage your boyfriend to be prepared for this inevitability; if he thinks his visitation with his daughter will be threatened, he needs to take the steps necessary to keep that from happening.
Amanda,
To answer your questions…
i guess my question is can she stop him from speaking over the phone with his son because of the new baby?
It’s not right, but actually she can, if he doesn’t have a court-order spelling out the terms of custody, visitation, and contact. If has such an order, he needs to request mediation because his ex is not in compliance. If he does not have a court-order, communication has broken down between the two of them, and she’s limiting his contact with his son at her whim, then he needs to get a court-order.
he has been paying child support and she moved out of state so he cant see his son is that allowed w/o his consent?
That he pays child support has no bearing on their custody agreement–if they have an agreement in place. Whether she can do this legally depends on whether they have shared legal and/or physical custody, or if she has sole custody. Your boyfriend should consult an attorney or the family law court in your area.
how can i cope when he bows down any time she says for him to do something
I don’t mean to be insensitive to your situation, but if you choose to stay with him and this is how he chooses to relate to his ex (over your objections), then you cope by letting it go.
the funny thing is that we all know his son isn’t really his but he signed the birth certificate can we still get a dna test to stop the child support.
So let me get this straight…You’re concerned that his ex won’t allow him to talk to or see the child…but you’re also wondering if your ex can get out of paying child support since the child is not biologically his? Amanda…what’s this really about? Your anger and frustration that your boyfriend “bows down” to his ex? Because it doesn’t sound like your primary concern is the welfare of this child. Just as the ex shouldn’t withhold contact on whim, neither should you boyfriend be allowed to withhold child support because his ex isn’t playing nicely. The child is not a pawn to be “played” at the discretion of angry adults, and neither is child support. By withholding child support…who suffers? The child, not his mother.
In my opinion, your boyfriend forfeited his right, morally speaking, to the DNA test that would prove he’s not the father when he put his name on the birth certificate and, more importantly, when he presented himself to this child and interacted with him as his father. Legally speaking, whether he can stop making child support on the basis of a DNA test depends on the laws in your state. Your boyfriend would need to consult an attorney or the family law court in your area.
he does love him but it just isnt fair.
And stopping child support and telling an 8-year-old that the guy he thought was his dad really isn’t–is fair? All because the adults involved are mad at each other? It’s not that the child doesn’t have a right to know, but he shouldn’t be told just so that your boyfriend can get out of paying child support because the mother is being difficult. Further, that another man is raising this child at his mother’s urging doesn’t make it right for your boyfriend to bow out of this child’s life in retaliation for what his mother is doing.
And when you say, “It’s not fair”–fair to whom? You? Because your boyfriend “bows down” to his ex, and thus another woman wields control over your man? And for this, a child should not receive financial support?
Or, are you saying that it’s unfair that your boyfriend pays child support for a child he has no contact with/isn’t really his? He chose to pay child support for a child that wasn’t his when he put his name on the birth certificate, so he can’t complain about fairness now. Of course, his involvement in child’s life should be much more than a monthly check, and he should pursue every legal remedy available to him to make that happen.
Child support is not the “price” your ex pays in exchange for seeing his child. Again, visitation and child support are two separate issues. They are only related insofar as the amount of custody your ex has (i.e., if the child lives with him part-time) is one of the factors in the calculation to determine child support. Other factors include the income of the two parents, and the expenses they each incur on behalf of the child (medical and dental insurance, child care, etc.).
My hope is that all the grown-ups in this situation would put their own axes to grind aside and do what’s best for the child.
Hi,
I’m with my boyfriend for 9.5 months now. We both divorced 6 years ago. I dont have kids, he has daughter of 10 years who I have not met yet.
I am in good terms with my ex, who knows about my new relationship. My boyfriend’s ex-wife must know about my existence (as she has seen my cosmetics in his bathroom) but they have never openly talked or even mentioned my existence. I am a taboo.
The problem is that my boyfriend refuses to make me part of his life by normally communicating with her about my existence. At the same time he spends time with the ex as if they were still married. If she calls and asks him for breakfast with daughter and herself on Saturday morning at 10am, he would rather cancel our plans than tell her “i have plans with my girlfriend, how about we do lunch at 12″. Often she does come into the meetings with the daughter and they all together play a family as if they were not divorced at all. The ex has known about my existence for some 2-3 months, and has since then increased her presence in his life – coming to the meetings of the daughter and father more frequently and making more and more intimate requests like picnics and breakfasts outside…
I think its great they still get along and can spend time with the daughter, but I am not comfortable that I remain a taboo. I am not even asking to be introduced to the child, all I want is honesty and respect between adults. I am happy to give my weekends away for the daughter, but not for an ex-wife who does not “know” about me and who tends to suggest quite intimate outings (not even a lunch outside but actually lying on a blanket in a park in the sun).
The ex is also trying to make my boyfriend feel guilty by crying “no decent man wants to be with her” and sometimes calling at weird hours. She herself, a 41 year old woman, however sometimes leaves the daughter alone at home at 4 am with childminder and goes to party…. She was also the one who cheated on him and who filed for the divorce. She has had other relationships since. For my boyfriend this is the first time he is living in the same city with her and the daughter after the divorce.
My boyfriend says I need to give him time, and it has been only 14 months that he has had to come into terms with the practicalities of living in the same town with the ex. But I am not sure anymore how much “time” I want to give something like this. He is using the “child card” and saying this is all the best of the daughter. I dont think it is fair to give the daughter hope they will get back together… She is not likely to accept new partners in a situation like this, and most likely just feels even more confused about the situation: she also has seen my items at his place and asked whose they are, but he has come up with lies…
I would be very happy to meet her sooner or later and like hearing about her life so the current situation drives me mad. I get only 2 hours from my boyfriend’s weekend because of this arrangement and the taboo.
Hi, Evelina,
I’ve tried putting myself in your shoes, and I have to say, they don’t feel very comfortable. I think you are right to be flexible and patient and “invisible” (for a time) where your boyfriend’s daughter is concerned…but for her mother? Six years after the divorce? Not so much… I understand that he has recently located and that’s a factor, but at some point, enough is enough.
You write: “I am not sure anymore how much ‘time’ I want to give something like this” and I believe this is key. I wouldn’t suggest an ultimatum to your boyfriend, but internally, you can decide for yourself how much longer you are willing to play Invisible Woman where your boyfriend’s ex is concerned.
You may also wish to ask your boyfriend for a time frame; that’s different from giving him an ultimatum. Does he have a plan/time frame for when he will “come out” with you to his ex (i.e., being explicit with her about your role in his life, especially at those times when you have plans that conflict with her invitations)? Does he have a plan/time frame for when he will discuss you with his daughter? Introduce you to her? Is it a timing issue related to his perceptions of his daughter readiness to meet Dad’s new friend? Or is it a timing issue related to how he’s feeling about you/the relationship? This is important to clarify.
I totally agree that it’s unfair and harmful to give their daughter hope of a reconciliation if none truly exists. I also agree that if her mother doesn’t come around and accept that Dad has moved on, this has the potential to make a future introduction to you/future interactions with you more awkward, upsetting, and confusing for the child than they might otherwise be. If you are going to be a fixture in Dad’s life, then all the grown ups involved need to give any future relationship between you and his daughter every chance to succeed (while progressing–and maybe even regressing–at the variable pace that these things are wont to go with kids and the new person).
I understand your boyfriend’s concern about his ex’s reaction when he starts being up front with her about you, and the potential impact on his daughter. He owes it to his child to proceed thoughtfully. However, as his girlfriend, you have reasonable expectations of him as well–at the very least some indication of his future intentions, in this regard.
my boyfriend has an 8 year old child by his ex from high school.Now were all in are 20′s and me and him been together for 2 years and im pregnant now with his child.Now his baby mama is ferious and upset with the fact im pregnant with his child and she feels as if im interfering. She is married to another man shes been with for years and have a one 3 year old child with her husband.Now she telling my boyfriend if he wants to see his child he has to pay her and if he dont he wont see her at all.What should i do and is that fair?
Hi again,
Thousands of thanks for the thoughtful answer. In fact, I was introduced as “a friend” to the daughter last week over lunch outside. Everything went nicely, we got along very well.
I assume the ex has heard about the meeting from the daughter so there should no longer be need to inform her about anything. (On a separate note; using the child as a messenger is a bit cowardly but I guess the only way to make sure the daughter met me with no bias).
Boyfriend however is a bit “quiet” these days – I guess he is a bit daunted by the fact that our meeting was not such a “big thing” at the end…!
What is still disturbing me is that most of the time he visits the daughter at her house (because she is 10 and cannot travel alone in the big city) – whilst the ex is present. They have dinner together like a family. But for now I have decided to stop complaining, at least they all know I exist.
Evelina,
Baby steps, right?
Perhaps the mom will ask to meet you now. It would make sense for her to have had some interaction with a person who, going forward, is going to be spending time with her child. I have my fingers crossed that the bias you are concerned about won’t rear its ugly head, but I agree that the child=messenger should be avoided. Good luck to all of you!
Jasmine,
There’s really nothing you can do about your boyfriend’s ex’s demands. It’s not right or fair for her to demand payment from him in exchange for seeing his child, but your boyfriend is the one who must address this issue, preferably by seeking court-ordered visitation. Is he already paying her child support? If so, he should note that child support is not a guarantee of visitation. If the child’s mother isn’t allowing for visitation, that’s a separate issue to be taken up with the courts.
If he’s not paying child support and doesn’t have a court order to do so, then it’s likely that if he takes her to court for visitation, she will ask for support. This should be a non-issue, however, as he has an obligation to support his child.
My boyfriend and his ex-wife separated and he moved out of their house almost 3 years ago. They went through a really bad separation in which their 2 daughters (8 and 10 now) saw her slash his tires and break his car mirrors. I have been with him now for 2 years and we now live together (including my 12 year old son). I have met and spent some time together with his daughters but his ex is against them coming over to our house. She says their daughters have anxiety and they have become withdrawn now because they are around me and blames my boyfriend. The divorce was final last year and they did get joint custody. She has already told the girls that they are not allowed to come over to our house and if they do, they can’t be around me. The oldest child has started to get “sick” all the time at school (upset stomach, headaches) and is now throwing screaming tantrums when her mother goes to work. They saw a school counselor and she told the mom they have “separation anxiety”. My boyfriend asked his daughters how they felt about being around me and they said they don’t mind. The problem is when they get home, their mom questions them about me and they feel uncomfortable answering these 20 questions every week. My boyfriend doesn’t want to make them uncomfortable and make them feel worse so now when he has them he goes to a friend’s house or does various activities without me and my son. I really do not know how to handle this situation. My boyfriend knows that I want to see and spend more time with his daughters but he doesn’t want to put his daughters in an uncomfortable situation. How do we incorporate them in our lives as smoothly as possible? My boyfriend has tried to get together with his ex to discuss these issues, he has even suggested parenting classes but she refuses to speak to him (her communication is through text only).
Hi,
Just thought i would give you an update on the current situation.
My bf went to court 3 times before they allowed visitations unsupervised, but its now been granted and going well!
I have now meet his child, and she took to me very well, even letting me pick her up/feed her etc all in the first visit, she even come to me for a cuddle.
Me and my boyfriend are very happy now with the situation and will be asking for over night stays as we are going to renting our own house soon, i hope this goes well aswell!
The ex is still being a bit of a pain, but so far so good.
Hi, Ella,
Thanks for the update! We always like to know how things turn out for families, and you never know when your situation will encourage someone else.
It’s a drag always saying, “Go to court”, but usually if people reach out to us, they’ve already tried working things out with the co-parent on their own, to no avail. Some view court as a weapon to punish their ex, but as your situation illustrates, getting the court involved can help defuse the situation and can get families back on track. I wish you and yours all the best!
Leslie, my heart goes out to you, your boyfriend, and his children. It sounds like the girls’ anxiety has a lot to do with struggling to be “loyal” to their mother where you are concerned–a burden an adult should never put on a child.
I applaud your boyfriend for trying to make things more comfortable for his kids and for suggesting parenting classes; it’s unfortunate that his ex didn’t agree. However, some states do offer mediation to families, even after the divorce is final. Your boyfriend could ask for mediation via the courts, and with the help of the mediator, sit down and address these concerns with his ex. If you are going to be a fixture in his life, his children must be allowed to relax around you, be in their father’s home, and not be pressured and inundated with questions upon their return to their mother. Perhaps a mediator can help his ex understand how her behavior is hurting the kids; perhaps the your boyfriend can request counseling for the whole family if the mediation session is unsuccessful.
Hopefully, having a 3rd party involved will help his ex see beyond her dislike of you/your boyfriend and understand that her children need her to be “okay” with the new arrangement so that they can be okay. She may never like you or the fact that your boyfriend has moved on, and that’s her perogative. But unless you pose some sort of a threat to the kids, her children need to permission to relax and enjoy their time with their dad, in his home.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and he has a son with his ex and hasn’t got to see him since april of 2008, just because he said something she didn’t like. At Christmas my boyfriends parents called the exes parents and asked if they bought gifts would they be given to the child and the response was no they wouldn’t. Their breakup was bad and I was a part of that because when him and I met it ended for them and she has had hard feelings. (obviously).She is now married to another man and my boyfriend and I have a 4 month old daughter together and I have wrote on her and apologized to her for the pain that caused even tho they had their problems long before I came along. I made my amends to her and ask if there was anyway her and I could meet up so the kids could meet. They are half siblings and I feel that they should meet. She made no effort to respond or anything. I am just wondering if I am at wrong for writing her or if maybe I should let it go?
Hi, Cristy,
Your letter to your boyfriend’s ex sounds like a good-faith effort on your part to make amends. However, things may still be too raw for her to reach back, and that’s understandable. The ball is in her court, really, in terms of when and if she decides to reach back; there’s nothing else you can do but remain willing and try to keep the peace. I don’t think you were wrong for trying, though.
As far as your boyfriend not seeing his son in a year…I hope he will try to work out a formal visitation arrangement with his child’s mother. If she won’t cooperate, perhaps he can get court-ordered visitation. As long as neither parent is unfit, kids should have the opportunity to have a close relationship with both parents. Visitation shouldn’t be at the whim of a disgruntled parent, no matter how justified s/he might feel/be in his/her anger.
Me and my ex broke up & he went back to his wife they have a child together now & we are back together i need to understand co parenting & is it ok she doesn’t want me staying with my boyfriend when he has their daughter & is it ok for her to text or call him whenever she feels the need to?
Brittany,
The short answer to all your questions is, “It depends.” Are the mother’s objections to your presence have anything to do with the child’s safety or general welfare? Does she feel it’s too soon for the child to be introduced to someone new? Or does she not want you around her child because she’s angry at you and/or your boyfriend about their breakup? Has your boyfriend discussed this issue with her to get to the bottom of her concerns?
It sounds like you’re asking if co-parenting means she gets to call all the shots, and the answer to that question is “no.” Your boyfriend (and you) have an obligation to be responsive to her concerns and wishes where the child is concerned, but you’re not obligated to honor directives from her based on mere whims or bitterness. The terms of your boyfriend’s custody/visitation should be clear and agreed upon by both parents. If your boyfriend and his child’s mother can’t agree on these terms, perhaps mediation (which many family courts offer) can help.
As far as her texting and calling whenever for whatever reason…that’s not “co-parenting”. Is she texting or calling about issues related to the child? If not, your boyfriend isn’t compelled to answer every text or call immediately, or ever, depending on the nature of the communication.
I may be wrong, Brittany, but I sense from your comment that you are concerned that your boyfriend’s contact with his ex and her influence in his life is questionable, but being presented to you as “co-parenting.” If this is the case, then I encourage you to share your concerns with your boyfriend. If need be, check in with him about just how “done” he is with his relationship with his child’s mother. If your intuition tells you that something’s awry, don’t ignore it. You owe it to yourself to ask for clarification and to be comfortable in your relationship. All the minute details of his co-parenting relationship may not be to your liking, but if overall you are questioning the nature of your boyfriend’s relationship with his ex, then that’s important and worth addressing with your boyfriend.
Best to you,
~Deesha
Hi,
Update on my situation: boyfriend was awfully quiet the whole week after I met the daughter. But physically things were ok. The last week he continued being quiet and also cut all physical contact. Two days ago he also noted he “likes me but is not in love”. So for 10 months I waited that our relationship matures enough for me to meet the daughter, and when he did introduce her to me it ruined something from his part. It seems like that me meeting the daughter has caused something now and he is pulling off. I even suspect the ex got angry and asked him to specify how important I am and he is not sure anymore. I feel terrible.
Hi, Evelina,
I’m sorry to hear that your situation took this turn, especially after it seems as if you devoted a lot of thought and emotion into the relationship. I’m sure it’s little comfort at this moment, but the “clarity” that your ex boyfriend now has, while hurtful to you, is probably preferable to the kind of limbo you would be in if he continued being ambivalent. Also of little comfort, but possible, is that his ambivalence may have little to do with you and everything to do with his past relationship. Either that “door” wasn’t ever closed all the way, or it was but he’s having just as hard a time really moving on as his ex is (even after 6 years). Again, I’m sure none of this takes away your pain, but in time, having this clarity may give you a level of freedom and peace that you would not have had if your ex had continued the relationship uncertain and ambivalent. I wish you much peace now and going forward.
Best,
~Deesha
Dear Deesha,
Where..oh where… do I start?
We have been together for nearly 1.5yrs and started seeing eachother shortly after he split with his ex wife. They have 2 children together, a 6 year old girl and a 16 year old boy. I’ve NEVER met his ex (we’re both not ready for that..). However, i’ve met the kids together quite a few times and have been able to do activities with them and their father. The eldest boy knows I’m his dad’s gf and that I live with his dad, I also see more of him than the little one because my bf and his ex are “shielding” her from any confusion or disruption. She just thinks i’m daddy’s “friend” in the times we’ve met.
My concerns:
*They’re lying to their daughter. They can still be a “family” even if she knows they are not together. My bf doesn’t live there anymore and comes every 2nd day to the house, plus spends the whole of Saturday day with them as a “family”.
*They still greet eachother and say good-bye by kissing on the lips! for the little girl’s sake (she isn’t to know any disconnect). The worst thing is i repeatedly asked him to stop – which he did. I then was contacted by my own ex after 2yrs of not speaking and then to retalliate my bf kept up the kissing act for his “daughter’s sake”. Oh, and because his ex started initiating it again! It absolutely infuriates me!
***This last one just really UPSET me so much. He normally spends Saturdays with them as a family but tomorrow is Mother’s Day. So on Friday night he tells me he will spend Saturday with me and Sunday with them for Mother’s Day – “because his kids want him to spend it with them as a “family” ” and that they also did something for him last year on this day. He also said he wants to pay his respect to the mother (his ex) who has been raising these children.
Oh my gosh Deesha, this has just pissed me off so much i got so mad. Why the hell should he have to be there on MOTHER’S Day! I don’t know ANY other divorced family that has the other parent joining with the kids on this day! So I said to him – since you respect her so much – please respect the fact i don’t want to be with you this weekend. Spend both days there.
And, we didn’t speak last night when he got home or today when he left. I feel like why tempt me with the chocolate cake if you’re going to take it away anyway – i’d rather not see it.
So yes inturn i’m more miserable because i end up missing out on spending time with him, but at the same time i’m proving my point.
I just don’t think i can handle this relationship any longer. I don’t want to be his partner on the sideline that will have the mother of his children in his life forever. When she says jump, he will. I want to be that priority along with his children. But unfortunately, they’re still HIS family and i’m just the sideline girlfriend. I’m over it!
Saddened,
Kelly
I just don’t think i can handle this relationship any longer. I don’t want to be his partner on the sideline that will have the mother of his children in his life forever. When she says jump, he will. I want to be that priority along with his children. But unfortunately, they’re still HIS family and i’m just the sideline girlfriend.
You said it all right there, Kelly. I see what you see in this situation. There’s a time and a place for compromise, but there’s also a difference between compromising and settling. I’m glad, for your sake, that you are firm and clear about what your expectations are, and that you aren’t willing to settle. I wish you peace in the midst of the sadness you feel now, and peace going forward.
Best,
~Deesha
I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months but have known him all his life and his son too. Of course this means I also knew his ex, both when she was his girlfriend and after they broke up. Despite the split being more than four years ago she has been very unhappy about our relationship and has stopped all my access to her son. I understand that this is a difficult and threatening time for her and have tried to be accommodating, making no attempt to push the issue of seeing the child, and no complaints about last minute changes to plans he and I have made or curtailment of the time we spend together because of his parenting commitments. We live in different towns and I see him once or sometimes twice a week; his ex-girlfriend sees him 3-5 times a week and speaks to him on a daily basis. My partner has said to me that he is committed to us and is working slowly toward a situation in which I can play a part in his life with his son without it upsetting his ex.
Then yesterday she approached him in floods of tears and said she is ready to mend all her ways if he will come back to her. He is considering it – he says because his son is unhappy. Although he has not decided, I am devastated; she made him so unhappy before and they used to have terrible arguments in front of their son – I can’t believe that will make him happier and I know he doesn’t love her, he is considering it only for his boy. Their relationship has been characterised by frequent bitter rows, which I find unpleasant and cannot believe provide a healthy environment for their child. I thought my boyfriend and I could have a long future together; we make each other very happy and resolve conflict through reasoned discussion and I had hoped that in years to come we would be able to share our home and family with his son and integrate his ex into occasions like christmas. But if he is even willing to consider trying again with his ex am I kidding myself?
We talked about it honestly and he says he doesn’t know what to do. But not once has he mentioned loving anyone but his son. I don’t know what, if anything, I can do.
I thought my boyfriend and I could have a long future together; we make each other very happy and resolve conflict through reasoned discussion and I had hoped that in years to come we would be able to share our home and family with his son and integrate his ex into occasions like christmas. But if he is even willing to consider trying again with his ex am I kidding myself?
Hi, Beth,
Who knows what the future holds? Given his previously rocky relationship with his ex, it wouldn’t be so surprising if things didn’t work out between them…again…and if your boyfriend reached out to you in the future. But as for this moment, I agree that if he is considering recommitting to his ex, then it’s probably for the best that you press “pause” on the plans and expectations you’ve had of him and the relationship.
He’s feeling the pressure of wanting to make his child happy and that’s certainly understandable(though, as you’ve noted, the way he’s going about it offers no guarantees at best, and is problematic, at worst). But in the face of his situation, you may want to take a step back for the sake of your own happiness and well-being.
We talked about it honestly and he says he doesn’t know what to do. But not once has he mentioned loving anyone but his son. I don’t know what, if anything, I can do.
You can’t do anything to relieve the anxiety (and perhaps guilt?) your boyfriend is feeling about his son’s happiness. Added to this, you have the child’s mother’s insistence that you stay clear of the child. This issue would have to be addressed if you are to proceed with the kind of serious future relationship as you described, and it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is anywhere near ready to face that challenge.
It’s admirable that he wants to do what it takes to make his child happy, but at the end of the day, whatever his stated motivations, that’s what this comes down to: he’s considering going back to his ex. The impact to you is ultimately the same, regardless of his reasons.
So…what can you do? Take care of yourself. Accept that your boyfriend is likely not ready to share with you the kind of relationship you hope for and deserve. He may well be ready one day; you can decide at that time if you are open to trying again with him.
But remain steadfast and clear on the difference between compromising and sacrificing, i.e., trying to give his ex a chance to adjust to the reality of your relationship), and being taken for granted, i.e., being held in extended limbo while your boyfriend figures out if he’s going to go back to his ex.
Best to you,
~Deesha
I have been with my bf for 6 years. My boyfriend has a 13 year old daughter that he has custody of since about 2 years ago. His daughter since she was around 3 years old was pretty much raised by the grandma (moms mom) I after meeting my bf wondered why he let this woman raise his daughter without really giving him much say so in her life. My bf’s ex did not live with the daughter she instead lived with her bf and rarely visited her daughter, meanwhile my bf all this time paid her child support, mind you non of it ever went to the daughter. We soon began having his daughter with us all the time, to the point where she stayed with us for weeks even months at a time and the mother still collecting child support and not ever calling to check on her daughter. One year later we hired a lawyer and took his ex to court and the judge saw his ex to be unconcerned with his daughters well being and gave him primary custody. It has since then been going on 2 years and still no change in the situation as far as his ex showing no concern, I am now pretty much the mother to his daughter and I take almost full responsiblitly for her needs. Recently his daughter did her first communion and of course his ex did nothing to help. As usual I got his daughter up helped her put on her dress and did her hair and light makeup all by myself. Later that morning we were at the church and his ex shows up with her new bf and her new baby which I have no problem with, however my bf’s sister then runs over to her and hugs and kisses her then starts taking pictures of her and my bf’s daughter then of her and her bf then she takes pictures of my bf and his daughter meanwhile i’m standing there looking totally out of the loop!!! It was to the point where even his mother and aunts were all standing around his ex laughing and giggling with her. I confronted his sister and she said that she is aware that his ex neglects his daughter but that that will always be her mother. I just don’t understand why she would acknowledge his ex and not acknowledge me…ever!!! I should add my bf’s sister to this day doesn’t really ever talk to me and honestly i’m not sure why. I thinks it’s sad that his family in general would even give his ex the time of day even after she chooses to ignore her own daugther and me the woman that takes her to school everyday takes her to get hair cuts and cooks and washes her clothes for her… I get no respect at all. I feel somewhat used and totally disrespected, my bf saw me upset and honestly didn’t see why I was upset and blew it all off… my question… am I exaggerating? It’s not an easy situation and I really only do what I do because I love my bf, I try to avoid his family as much as I can because they have been so hurtful to me in the passed in other situations.
Hi, Terry,
I’ve asked Sherry, our kids’ future stepmom, to respond as well, but for now, here are my thoughts:
You are experiencing what many parents (biological and adoptive) experience at some time in the course of their children’s lives: being saddled with the responsibility and “grunt work” of parenting, but with little or no respect or recognition for it. There are times when parenting is a thankless job, and your situation is exacerbated because you’re not “officially” this child’s parent and because there are these other layers of animosity from your boyfriend’s family. For those reasons, I empathize with you. However, this was key for me:
It’s not an easy situation and I really only do what I do because I love my bf…
If this is your only motivation, then I would ask you to reconsider. You cannot dictate your boyfriend’s family’s relationship with or attitude toward his child’s mother, nor does it appear that you can will them to like or respect you. You can continue to attempt appeal to your boyfriend regarding his dismissive attitude towards your concerns, but ultimately the ball is in his court.
The only way that you can independently change this situation so that you aren’t just this child’s nanny, for all intents and purposes, is to change your attitude toward what you do for this child and why you do it.
You are in a position to build a healthy, caring relationship with this child, one that is borne of, yet independent of, your love for her father. You have the opportunity to create a meaningful bond with her, the outcome of which will be its own reward, independent of how her other relatives choose to view her mother or you. Those people may never recognize or appreciate your care and concern for this child, but ultimately, the child will, and that’s what matters most.
Ultimately, however, you may decided that the disrespect and disregard of those adults is more than you can bear. Only you know your limits. But stay mindful too of your motivation. This child needs you to tend to her (if you’re going to do it) because you care for her, not merely as an extension of your love for your boyfriend. When we as adults involve ourselves intimately in children’s lives, we are making a commitment not just to our significant other, but to the children as well.
What is your unique commitment to this child? Have you discussed this with her father? What are his expectations? It’s possible that he appreciates your care for his child, and views it as independent of how chummy his family is toward the child’s mother. Perhaps you could adopt this same view? Aside from his family’s embrace of the child’s mother and disregard for you, do you feel that he doesn’t value the care you give his daughter? I don’t think how the family treats the child’s mother is a good measure of how much he appreciates what you do. But if you feel unappreciated by him in general, definitely talk to him about that.
It’s been two years now since your boyfriend has had custody of his daughter, but it’s not too late for you to strengthen the foundation of your relationship with her.
Best to you,
~Deesha
How about mature adults…over age 50 that are dating. My guy has 4 ex wives and 3 children. The youngest was adopted and is now 8 yrs old and lives with her mom. the other two are young adults.I have two grown sons. My guy cannot have a conversation with me without bringing up his kids and sometimes an ex….what the kids are doing…what they have done. He repeats the stories over and over.
Is this how it is when you are divorced and dating someone with children? I can go for weeks without bringing up my kids. I feel there is not an even balance of us making new and happy memories verses his prior history and what he now does with his adopted daughter. I don’t want to keep living his past. And holidays…ha-ha…at the last minute I am always left out if an ex with kids invites him over!!
I have met all his kids….the young adults really are not involved that much…the adopted daughter likes me.
Am I being unreasonable to not want every converstaion to be about his kids ad nauseum??
Hi, Le Sch,
Four ex wives? It sounds like your guy has spent a lot of time married (unless they were all short-lived marriages?), so it’s somewhat understandable that a lot of his past history would involve his wives and kids. Also, how long has he been on his own? Long enough to cultivate a life distinctly outside of wives and kids? Or was his last divorce only recently? Maybe he views those married years as his “best” years and looks on them fondly? If that’s the case, it sounds like you may be ready for him to make some new memories and to believe that great years are yet to come–with you. And I can’t blame you!
To answer your question, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to want him to stop going on and on all the time about the kids and/or an ex. It’s not uncommon for divorced folks to be a bit socially wobbly as they re-enter single life. Your guy may need a nudge from you to realize that he needs to move on, conversation-wise. Hopefully, he will respond affirmatively to your suggestion that you have an evening together, at the very least, in which talk of kids and exes is verboten. Depending on how long it’s been since his last divorce, you may want to ask him point blank if he’s truly ready to move on and move forward with you.
As for dropping his plans with you at the drop of a hat, I would suggest pointing out to him that this is not only unfair to you as his current significant other, but downright inconsiderate by anyone’s social measure.
All the best to you!
~Deesha
Le Sch,
Also…visit http://www.stepinstitute.ca/. I hear that one of their upcoming teleconferences will focus on dating situations just like yours.
~Deesha
Hi again Deesha,
Thank you for your advice,
It is a difficult situation and I actually need to focus on all the good that has come out of it. I think I have been a great role model to his daughter, i’m not perfect but I really do so much for her. My boyfriend takes it all for granted but his daughter thanks me everyday for any little thing I do for her even something as small as putting away her clothes. I left out that I myself have a son and I treat her with the equal amount of attention as I do my own son, which at times can be very tricky! I do agree being a mother is a thankless job. I thought of everything you said today and actually felt better about my place in this whole situation. I’m never gonna be able to make anybody like me or accept me so I might as well stop focusing on them!! I should’nt have said that I only do this because I love my bf because those were so not the right choice of words, what I meant to say was that I only hang in there because I love him and I love her too! I know he appreciates me too I just have to learn that some people aren’t as open with all of this as I am… Thank you once again!! I’m gonna save your response and everytime I feel upset again i’m gonna read it all over again because you really opened my eyes!
Hi, Terry…I’m so glad you’re feeling better! And I’m glad to hear about your relationship with your boyfriend’s daughter.
It’s hard to give and give and give, only to feel as if the people you are caring for take you for granted. Here’s wishing your boyfriend could be a little more open with his appreciation for all you do. But if not, it’s wonderful that his daughter appreciates your role in her life. She’s expressing her thanks to you for the “little” things, but I bet it goes so much deeper than you may even realize. You are guiding her into adulthood with all the “little” things you do. What a gift!
All the best to you and your family,
~Deesha
Hi Deesha,
I am a 27 year old single, independent woman who has never been engaged, and has no children. I am dating a 34 year old man with a 16 year old son and 3 year old daughter. Both children have different mothers. I have no problem with the 16 year old and his mother, but I have issues with the 3 year old and her mother. My boyfriend and I got serious pretty quickly, and during the first 9 months of our relationship he refused to tell the baby’s Mom about me. So I threatened to end things because I couldnt take it anymore. The reason he gave for not telling her is that he didnt want to “hurt her feelings” and he didnt want his relationship with his daughter to change. I understood the part about not wanting to hurt his relationship with the baby, but I could care less about his exes feelings. At that point he was choosing her feelings over me, and I told him he should be with her if he cared so much more about her feelings. Well, he ended up telling her about me so we stayed together. Now we’ve been together for 15 months, and he asked me to move in. I’m moving in with him next month (we practically already live together because Im at his place every single day) but I still have an issue with the way he handles certain things with his ex and his daughter. I told him that since he wants to marry me and have a family with me that we should start setting boundaries and doing things more as a family, afterall, his daughter will be my step daughter. I told him that I want to do for her and love her as if she is my own, but for some reason I feel that he wont let it happen. For example, I mentioned how holidays should work. I said that for Christmas the baby should spend half of the day with her mother and the other half of the day with us (we all live within 10 minutes from eachother). He says no, and insists that he goes straight to his exes house on xmas morning to open presents with his ex and the baby. I told him that I want to be involved and that Im not ok with him leaving me every single Christmas to go spend time with them, what happens when we have kids of our own? I think it is healthy that he and I buy presents for her, and she can have Christmas with us after she is done doing Christmas with her Mom. Am I wrong for wanting this?? It would be different if I were invited to his exes house so we could all spend xmas together, but I am never included. I dont know what to do, please advise.
Hi, Erika,
Without knowing all the details of your relationship, I’m going to make a guess as to what’s going on. Your boyfriend has asked you to move in and he wants to marry you–but I think this may mean something different to each of you. You interpret it as you two are serious enough for you to be around his child on Christmas and for you to ask about how he intends to handle Christmas when you two have a child together. He, on the other hand, may not interpret your living arrangement as anything more than just that…you’re living together. He may feel that his child has nothing to do with his relationship with you. If this is the case, I can see why this would be upsetting to you.
One very important detail that you didn’t mention is his custody/visitation arrangement. You mentioned that you are never included–does that mean that he only sees his daughter at his ex’s house? If so, this may be a big part of the reason why “I told him that I want to do for her and love her as if she is my own, but for some reason I feel that he wont let it happen.” The “some reason” may be that he has agreed, implicitly or explicitly, with his ex that he will only see the child on her turf and on her terms (i.e., not with you around). Now, I could be wrong about this but you didn’t mention meeting the child, so I can only speculate.
If your boyfriend has this “agreement” with his ex, I think you owe it to yourself and to your future to ask him about this. If you are living together and considering marriage, then details of his custody arrangement is certainly something you should be privy to. If your boyfriend shies away from this discussion, this would suggest to me that he’s not on the same page as you are with regard to what living together/wanting to marry means. In this case, you can either accept what he’s offering (that he will keep his relationship with his child separate from his relationship with you), or you can ask him to reconsider. Continuing to give ultimatums isn’t good for either of you in the long run. He’s not going to want to be bullied, and I’m sure you don’t want to feel like the only way you can get him to honor your feelings is to threaten him.
Perhaps he has a timeframe in mind for introducing you to his child’s mother and to his daughter, and to including you in holiday celebrations? It may be that he’s waiting for the right time to take these steps. It’s a fair question to ask him when he thinks the right time is and what his intentions are in this regard.
As you said, what will he do when/if the two of you have children of your own? He could run back and forth between two households on Christmas morning–but why? Will your children together and his daughter never meet? Again, if he’s set on keeping you away from his daughter and/or her mother, I can only guess that it’s either because he’s not a serious about you as he has led you to believe (so he’s not thinking about future children), or he’s keeping you away because his child’s mother has given him an ultimatum of her own.
Best to you,
~Deesha
Hello Deesha,
Thank you so much for your reply. Im sorry that I didnt include more details about the relationship. I have met his daughter and we are actually starting to do more things together. For example this weekend my boyfriend picked his daughter up and met up with me and the three of us went to lunch. He is definitely making steps to include me when he does things with her. His ex knows that the baby is around me but she hates it. Im sure she still wants to be with him, but my boyfriend says that whether he is with me or not, it will never work between them. The baby’s mom has not given him any kind of ultimatum and hasnt stopped him from seeing his daughter, but she makes faces when she hears that Im around her daughter. I can understand why she may feel this way, but I think the healthiest thing for the child is that we all get along. I offered to meet her, so that she knows what type of person I am and feels comfortable with me being around her daughter, but she hasnt said whether she wants to meet me or not.
So about the whole Christmas issue…I dont know if I should just let the issue go or if I should insist on us doing it the way I mentioned. Another issue is the childs bday party. Her last bday was in December and the baby’s mother asked my boyfriend not to bring me. This year I wonder if he will stick up for me and say, its time to stop this and Erika will be invited. His entire family is there, and he pays for the party and it will be in a public place. If there is nothing going on between them then there should be no reason why I am not invited this year. Do you agree?
Hi, Erika,
In your boyfriend’s defense, there truly may be nothing going on between him and his ex, and she may still not want you to attend the child’s birthday party. However…If your boyfriend doesn’t intend to take you to this year’s party, then I suggest asking him when he plans to, and what he’s waiting for. Is he afraid the child’s mother will make a scene and ruin the party? If this is the case, perhaps he should give her enough advance notice so that she can get herself together. If you are around his child at various times anyway, there’s no reason that I can fathom why you shouldn’t attend her birthday party, especially since it’s in a public place and not the mother’s house.
An alternative is for your boyfriend to host the party at the home that the two of you share. The child’s mother would be invited, and it would be up to her whether or not she attended.
I can understand your boyfriend wanting to avoid having his ex ruin the child’s party, and my guess is that he feels that he must cater to his ex for his child’s sake. I can understand this on some level early in your relationship, but at the very least, now, he needs to have an “exit strategy” for this current game plan of his. His obligation is to his child’s best interest, not to her mother’s whims, grievances, and petty jealousies. He doesn’t seem to know the difference, and his “confusion” is at your expense. I think it’s more than fair that you ask your boyfriend when he intends to shift gears. If not this birthday and this Christmas, then when? If he has a time frame in mind, hold him to it.
Also, it’s not too much to ask of a grown woman–a mother, no less–to control herself enough so that she doesn’t ruin her child’s birthday party. Your boyfriend needs to let his ex know that he expects her to act like a grown up for their child’s sake. If not, he needs to let her throw a party that she pays for, on her own terms, that he can attend without you, and then he can throw a separate party for the child that you will attend. It’s ridiculous that it would come to this, but I can only think of one other alternative:
Let it go. Same with Christmas. Don’t attend the party. Have cake and ice cream for the child the next time she is with the two of you. Open her Christmas presents on a day other than Christmas when she is with the two of you. If your boyfriend is willing to accept his ex’s unreasonable terms, then you really don’t have any other choice but to accept them as well (if you stay with him). Every relationship requires some degree of compromise; you have to decide what you’re willing to compromise, and where you draw the line. If you find yourself constantly compromising and your feelings constantly secondary to the ex’s whims, then I’d say it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship. Personally, I wouldn’t compromise on this one.
Best to you,
~Deesha
Once again, thank you Deesha. I truly appreciate your advice and will definitely use it. I agree with you, I love him but I will not compromise when it comes to that. Hopefully he will make the right decisions on his own, because like you said, ulitmatums are not the way to go.
Take care,
Erika
You’re welcome, Erika.
Much peace,
~Deesha
Hi Deesha,
Im in a weird position because my daughter is with a guy whom was separated now he is back with his wife. He doesnt see my daughter because his wife doesnt want him too without her. She and him has an older daughter which I iunderstand but I want my daughter to know her father. His wife is somewhat immature because she threatened to fight me. I dont know why cause I do not want him and once I found out about her i left him alone then I foud out I was pregnant and kept my baby. He said he would be there for me but he hasnt so far an she is 4 mnths old. What should I do in this situation? My daughter deserves a father just like everyone else.
Help needed,
Nicki
Hi, Nicki,
My heart really goes out to your daughter. I hope that in the months and years to come, all the adults involved can remember that this child had nothing to do with the circumstances of her birth, and that despite these circumstances, she needs and deserves the love and care of both her parents. What this means for her father and his wife is pretty obvious: This little girl shouldn’t have to “pay” for their marital problems, hurts, and disappointments. What this means for you may be less obvious.
You wrote: “He doesnt see my daughter because his wife doesnt want him too without her…His wife is somewhat immature because she threatened to fight me.” Does this mean that the child’s father wants to see the baby, but you won’t allow him to because his wife will be with him? If so, is this because you are concerned about a physical altercation between you and his wife?
If he wants to see the baby, and if his wife behaves herself, then why not meet them, perhaps in a public place?
If he really wants to see the baby, and his wife continues to pose a threat to you, then he will make it his business to leave her at home when he visits his daughter.
Basically, I can’t tell from what you wrote who is “stopping” this man from seeing his child–you or his wife. Either way, he is, as my mother used to say, a poor excuse, if he allows either one of you to do this. If he really wants to see this child, as much as his involvement in her life may further complicate things in his marriage, he will make it happen.
Stepping out on his marriage and fathering a child created a burden, no doubt. But the baby herself is not that burden, nor should she be asked, in essence, to shoulder a burden that he and his wife would rather not carry. They are the grown-ups; she is a child and completely faultless. Her existence is problematic for them, but that fact doesn’t release her father from his obligation.
Not surprisingly and understandably, his wife is threatened by this child (and by you) and deeply wounded by his infidelity. But at some point, she has to put on her big girl panties, and stop standing between her husband and his child (if that’s what’s she’s doing). At the same time, and more importantly, he doesn’t need her permission to be a father to his child. He needs to grow up too.
If you are the one preventing the visits because you don’t want his wife around your baby after she has threatened you, I can understand that too. But as long as you are present and the wife keeps her hands and attitude to herself, then I say, let the visits happen, as awkward as they may be. Invite a friend or family member to come with you for support.
He said he would be there for me but he hasnt so far an she is 4 mnths old.
In addition to his playing an active parental role, are you referring to child support? If so, this can be addressed through the family court system in your area. At the same time, a visitation plan can be agreed upon if your child’s father pursues one. For your child’s sake, I hope he does.
But if he doesn’t…I wish you much peace, wisdom, and strength in raising your daughter in such a way that her father’s rejection does not define her. The circumstances of her birth were far from ideal, but her life still has as much value and promise as any other child’s. Help her embrace this and cherish all the people in her life who are there for her, instead of focusing extensively on the very important person, her father, who is not there. His absence will be felt, deeply, but it does not have to define or limit her.
Also, as tempting as it may be, do not demonize her father’s wife. The only power this woman wields is that which he gives her. She is not keeping your child’s father away. He’s allowing himself to be kept way–or worse, he’s choosing to stay away and using his understandably angry wife as an excuse.
Finally, commit yourself to keeping your disappointment in your daughter’s father separate from the disappointment and rejection she may feel as she gets older. These are two separate relationships. You will each need to heal and mourn these disappointments in your own way and in your own time, and over time.
In a few years, in a decade, or even when she’s an adult, your daughter may be open to a relationship with her remorseful father if he gets a clue and comes knocking. As hard a pill as this might be for you to swallow, don’t stand in the way of it, if this is what your daughter wants. Give her wise counsel and protect her if need be, but don’t allow your own unresolved feelings interfere.
All the best to your and your daughter,
~Deesha
Dear Deesha,
I am a pretty recent “baby momma”. My son was born in April of this year. His father and I had an on/off relationship for more than ten years. Some of that time we lived together. We were not dating when our son was conceived. He had been dating someone for about two years and they broke up and he came to me seeking sympathy and I slept with him.
He and his ex reconciled after two months apart. He lied to her and told her he had not been with anyone else. She broke up with him again when he told her about my pregnancy.
For almost my entire pregnancy he was resentful of the baby. He said he associated him with loss and he could not deal with seeing me. Then in my eighth month he started dating someone new. Suddenly he became interested in being a father – he told me she was excited about his impending fatherhood which in turn made him excited to be a father.
I want him to be involved with his son. My baby is six weeks old and he has seen him three times since birth and two of those times I was in town (I live two hours from him..)and one time he visited him here at my home.
He recently told me his girlfriend is jealous that the baby is such a big part of his life and she cannot see him or hold him. Am I wrong to think it is too soon or her to be involved since they have been dating for such a short time? She has actually seen my son once through the glass of the hospital nursery. (He brought her to the hospital although I had asked him not to, which I feel was a reasonable request on my part..)
We do not have any legal custody set up and he is not paying any child support. I have tried for my son’s sake and relationship/future with his father to be agreeable by setting up visits, sending pictures, etc. but I feel it is too soon to be introducing a girlfriend to my son. Am I being irrational? Any advice would be helpful!
Sorry for the length, but I felt you might need some background info. Thank you!
Dani
Hi, Dani,
No problem at all re: the length of your comment.
To answer your questions:
Am I wrong to think it is too soon or her to be involved since they have been dating for such a short time?
If I did the math correctly, your child’s father has been dating this woman for about 10 weeks. I agree with you about it being too soon. There aren’t the same concerns about the child’s perceptions, because we’re talking about an infant, not an older child. However, the “infancy” of your ex’s relationship with his new girlfriend is what makes it too soon, in my opinion. Your ex may feel that the time is right, but the timing of this is something that the two of you should be able to agree upon.
He recently told me his girlfriend is jealous that the baby is such a big part of his life and she cannot see him or hold him.
Normally, I wouldn’t view this as a red flag because she’s entitled to her feelings. However…
She has actually seen my son once through the glass of the hospital nursery. (He brought her to the hospital although I had asked him not to, which I feel was a reasonable request on my part..)
…which suggests that you may want to have an explicit conversation with your ex stating that, going forward, you expect him to honor the boundaries and plans the two of you establish and agree upon regarding your child and your co-parenting relationship. This may pose a conflict with his girlfriends “feelings”, but he’ll need to deal with that. As long as your expectations aren’t unreasonable and are truly in the best interest of your child, then your boyfriend should be able to respect where you’re coming from.
However, what the two of you agree upon may be at odds with his girlfriend’s expectations. I suspect that she’s inclined to use her access to the baby as a litmus test for their relationship, i.e., if she’s important to him, then he’ll give her access to the baby. This, of course, is not reasonable given how little time they’ve been involved, but that’s his concern, not yours.
Anyway…What’s her hurry? If she doesn’t intend to stick around, then she doesn’t need to be around the child. If she intends to be in your ex’s life long-term, then she should be able to wait until their relationship is more established to meet his son. Now’s the time for her to play her position…which is to play the back where the baby is concerned.
It sounds as if you are not saying that she can’t ever have access to the child–just not so soon. Would you be willing to allow her to join your ex for a visit where you are present? At what point would you be comfortable with this? At what point would you be comfortable with her being around the baby without you present? Communicate these possibilities to your child’s father.
We do not have any legal custody set up and he is not paying any child support. I have tried for my son’s sake and relationship/future with his father to be agreeable by setting up visits, sending pictures, etc. but I feel it is too soon to be introducing a girlfriend to my son. Am I being irrational?
Where a 6-week old child and a 10-week old relationship are concerned? No, I think you’re being quite rational.
Because you don’t have a custody agreement in place, if your child’s father wanted to press the issue of his girlfriend seeing the baby against your wishes, the onus would be on him to go to family court and have a custody and visitation plan established, including the specific terms. In this case, you would have an opportunity to have your concerns heard and considered.
I applaud your efforts to be agreeable, and I hope that you and your child’s father are able to establish a solid co-parenting relationship.
All the best to your family,
~Deesha
Hi Deesha,
This is Nicki. Thanks so much for responding. I offered when my daughter was intially born for her father to visit and he stated that he cant come without his wife. So I agreed but he has yet to do so. Thats when she stated if she sees me anywhere she will fight me. Her dad always has some excuse not to see her and many of his family members dont know that my daughter exist. Yes I do agree he needs to grow up and be a man. He pays child support willingly but has never held my daughter and she is 4 mnths. I weep inside for what she is missing because I missed a father role in my life while growing up as well. I came to a signed agreement with him that he can see her on weekends because his wife stated that they wanted ful custody of her. For what reason I have no idea but I was not allowing another woman to raise my children after more than 28 hours of labor and ten months of tears. I wish and pray that he would come see her but to this day he keeps saying that he needs to handle “his ride situation,” then he can see her. Im so tired of men and their excuses.
Thanks for allowing me to vent,
Nicki
Hi, Nicki…
I hope, for your daughter’s sake, that her father comes around and becomes a positive presence in her life.
Feel free to vent anytime.
Take care,
~Deesha
I guess I just needed a place to vent and put my feelings out on paper. I’ve been dating a man for 8 months now we were both married previously but I did not have any children and he had 2 a daughter that’s in elementary and a son in middle school. Now I’m only 26 and yes he’s wonderful prob the most wonderful man I’ve ever dated with the exclusion of items that don’t conflict with his kids events or upbringing. Whenever we don’t see eye to eye on subjects such as where to live ….relocating out of state or even a dog my opinion loses and I feel like I will always lose the battle. He filed for full custody and the kids like me and I like them we have great outings but its something I had to swollow as I never intended to date a man with kids and now whenever some other subject comes up that contradicts what I want because of his kids like moving or getting a dog I feel like ‘poor me’ and yes that I’ve compromised a lot because I’ve committed to becoming a stepmom one day if it comes but why can’t he just give me a little compromise over his kids or hear me out before its a flat no. I love him to death but I get overwhelmed with how the greatest man I’ve ever met has this baggage that will always come first and leave me last and I know its selfish of me to phrase it like that but I’m trying to think long term wise will I truly ever be happy taking a back seat to his kids needs??? What about when I have kids of my own? It’ll be been there done that for him while I would wish to share it special with someone that its their first time too. I just don’t know how to get over my selfish wants or thoughts sometimes because he and I do talk long term and I’m not sure if ill wake up one day and just want to run out saying this isn’t the life I wanted….i love him madly and just want what’s best for him his two kids and myself too though. sigh confused…..
Hi, Christy:
Venting is welcomed here.
You didn’t ask for advice, so I’ll just ask a question and then make an observation. Do you think perhaps your boyfriend will be more willing to compromise and make joint decisions about major life changes or issues related to the kids further down the road, when the two of you have been dating longer? Different people have different expectations in this regard. Eight months may seem like enough time to you, but perhaps not to your boyfriend. In other words, maybe he won’t always be unwilling to compromise and discuss.
Finally, there may of course be some issues related to the kids about which he will always have the final say, as their father. But outside of those “biggies”, I don’t think it’s “selfish” to want to be viewed as an equal partner when it comes to decision-making as a couple, and not viewed as always “last”.
Best,
~Deesha
Best to you,
~Deesha
Thanks Deesha for your ears. With regards to major issues down the line no he will never be flexible and that will never change…we are talking about marriage and I know that he will always be tied to his roots for his career and so that the children can be close to their mother. I ask what if I get a job that’s not local and the reaction I get is I can’t stop you and I won’t be going so why would you even try for something like that to begin with. I’ve never met the childrens mother although I’m told that she knows about me and will be meeting her at future sporting events for the kids. Dating him just overwhelms me sometimes because there are so many factors that wouldn’t be there with someone that didn’t have kids but dating someone else wouldn’t give me the same man I’ve managed to fall in love with. How without any expereince before am I going to be expected to become full-time step mom to a teenager and a young child and now a damn dog too…..working….cleaning…cooking…helping with homework….. I love him and adore the kids but I get scared and get resentful towards him because I feel I’m getting the short end of the stick and he’s getting all the benefits and he won’t see things from my point of view.
Christy,
I can definitely see why you feel resentful and overwhelmed.
Peace to you,
~Deesha
I have a boyfriend that has 4 kids. He is paying almost 2 thousand childsupport, and he has custody for every other weekends. My boyfriend and I acted like we are husband and wife. We sleep together for 8 months now. i havent ment his 3 kids yet. The ex been telling the kids that i am bad person, and my boyfriend spend all his money to me and my son. He also paying rent for 800 a month. I felt that my boyfriend doens’t want to spend money on me and my son eveytime we go out because i think that he wants to prove to the es that she’s thinking wrong. I want my boyfriend not to much spend money on the kids if he is with them because he already paying 2 thousand a month for them. I am right to stop that? Also everytime they need something they always ask for my boyfriend but the mom doesn’t do anything. Do i have the right to stop that? Because i just want his ex to realized that he doesn’t own him anymore. The ex love to see my boyfriend sad and crippled. I want to meet his kids yet but then he is not ready for that yet.
Do i have the right to react with these kind of situation???
Hi, Jean,
You asked:
I want my boyfriend not to much spend money on the kids if he is with them because he already paying 2 thousand a month for them. I am right to stop that?
What does your boyfriend want? If he wants to spend on his kids beyond child support, that’s his prerogative. As for “proving” something to his ex…how would she even know what he does and does not spend on you and your son? I am inclined to believe he spends “extra” on his kids because he wants to, and doesn’t spend on you and your son because he doesn’t want to. People typically spend according to their priorities, and his children are rightfully his first priority. Regardless of your “acting” like husband and wife for 8 months, you and your son won’t ever replace his children in that regard. You can become “a” priority, but not at his children’s expense, not if he’s a responsible dad.
That’s my long-winded way of saying that I don’t believe you are right to TRY and stop him from spending on his kids. I say “try” because I doubt you’ll have much success in “stopping” a grown man from spending on his kids however he sees fit. Now, if the two of you were deep enough into a relationship such that you had a common budget and pooled your incomes, then I could envision a conversation about his spending, but even then there’s no guarantee that he will do what you want him to do. Further, I can’t imagine him taking kindly to you trying to “stop” him from spending on his kids so that he can spend on you and your kid. The good dads I know aren’t with women who would essentially ask them to “do less” for their children so that they can do more for them and theirs.
I might be reading too much into what you wrote, but it sounds like you believe that 8 months of sleeping together and “acting” like husband and wife entitles you to have him spend money on you and your son. I won’t go any further down the thought path of this connection between sex and money… suffice it to say, you boyfriend’s actions tell a different story: Regardless of your sleeping together, at t this stage in your relationship, you are not a financial priority to him. Truly, the fact that he’s not ready for you to meet his kids says far more about where he is with your relationship than how long you’ve been sleeping together and “acting” like husband and wife (what does that mean, exactly?).
Also…$2,000/month child support for 4 kids is a lot more than many parents get, but it’s also not necessarily exorbitant depending on the cost of living in your area and the monthly expenses incurred by the custodial parent (his ex). The fact that he has visitation every other weekend–the amount of time the kids are with him–also likely factors into the child support calculation, depending on the laws in your state. If he had the children more often, he’d likely pay less in child support. But the alternate weekend visitation means that the children are mostly in their mother’s care. States typically use a formula to determine the amount of child support; the formula takes into account several factors including time spent with each parent, each parent’s income, and other expenses such as health and dental insurance and childcare–who pays these?
You didn’t mention anything about your boyfriend appealing to the courts for a modification in the amount of child support nor a modification in custody, so is it safe to assume that he doesn’t have a problem with either? Is it also safe to assume that he also doesn’t have a problem with the kids asking him, and not their mother, when they need something? If he doesn’t have a problem with it, and the ex and the kids obviously don’t, then the only one who has a problem with it is you. Not a battle I would recommend fighting. If these assumptions are correct, then your boyfriend seems to be quite clear about his priorities at this time, and your options are pretty much to take it or leave it.
On the other hand…not to disparage your boyfriend because I can only speculate, but…do you know for a fact that he pays $2K in child support? Do you know for a fact that his ex tells the kids that he spends all of his money on you and your son? How can this even fly if, as you say, he spends “extra” on the kids when they are with him? Is it possible that your boyfriend is using his ex as a scapegoat/excuse because he’d just rather not spend money on you? I don’t mean that to be as harsh as it sounds, but I’m just suggesting the possibility. Again, you can either take or leave this relationship on his terms. To do otherwise and press him to spend more you and less on his kids…where’s the dignity in that?
It’s very easy to make the ex the bad guy in these situations because it plays into our ideas about scorned or jealous women, and it’s also about the “new” woman feeling like she has to grab control of the reins from the ex. In your own words, you expressed a desire to get the ex to realize that “she doesn’t own him anymore”. I’m going to venture a guess that you don’t “own” him either; I can’t imagine that he would want to be controlled or ordered around by either of you.
So your focus really should remain on your boyfriend and your relationship, not his ex. Even if he is trying to “prove” something to her, that’s a choice he’s making, so if you have a problem with it, you have a problem with him, not her.
Do i have the right to react with these kind of situation???
You always have the right to feel what you feel. No one can tell you how to feel. But what are you gonna do? The bottom line is that his children’s needs and best interests should always trump any pissing contest between you and his ex, and trump any frivolous spending on you and your son. (I say “frivolous” because he is not responsible for your basic necessities nor your son’s, so surely you aren’t expecting him to pay for stuff like your rent or utilities, right?) The two of your may disagree about what his children “need”, but if he’s not ready for you to meet them, I seriously doubt he wants your input as to what’s best for them.
You, and not his ex, are indeed the woman in your boyfriend’s life, but don’t try to compete with this kids. If he’s the dad he should be, you’ll lose every time.
Best,
~Deesha
Deesha,
Thank you for your advice! I feel so relieved that you understand how I feel. I am really trying so hard to be fair for the sake of my son and it is hard, hard, hard at times. My friends and some of my family feel I am being too kind to him considering our past relationship and his behavior during my pregnancy and after. However, I do not want my son to ever think I deliberately kept his father from him in the future.
Your take on my situation was very helpful to me. I still have not had a discussion with him yet but what you said about setting boundaries makes tons of sense to me. I don’t know when I will be ready to possibly meet her, either. I feel nothing but dread about it, honestly.
Thanks again for your ears and advice! I will follow up with you.
Dani
Hi, Dani,
I’m glad to be of help. Though it’s difficult, you are wise to keep your son’s relationship with his father separate from your feelings about your ex and your history together. I hope that the two of you can forge a healthy co-parenting arrangement for your son’s sake.
Please do keep us posted and all the best to you!
~Deesha
I am only 19 years old but i have a boyfriend who has a 20 month old son. Him and the babies mother broke up before she knew she was pregnant, but he stuck by her when she told him, but didnt get back with her. I got with him when his child was 11months old, she was fine with it at first, they still went on days out which i aloud and was very calm with. But then the constant texting and phone calls started, they gradually built on top of each other, making us argue, and we ended up breaking up.
In the space of being apart, my boyfriend told me he thinks he wanted to try again with his ex. I told him to go do what he wants, as i knew from what he has told me of her in the past it was only for the sake of the child. Within 3 weeks we met up and he broke down, admitting it was because of his child, and that he misses me. We decided to give us another try, as i respect that everyone deserves a second chance, but this time when she fount out she went really horrible, told him he wasnt aloud to see his son, and that she would kill me if she sees me. I know she is all mouth, so left them to sort it out, the threat lasted a day, and the next day after that they had to go out to sign for another copy of the birth certificate. Since then she has been constantly stabbing at him, calling me an emo, saying he has ditched his family to play boyfriend and girlfriend and happy familys. I hardly see his son, only like once every 3 weeks, but she seems to think we go on days out as a family when we dont, and my boyfriend gets the grief for it.
I really think my boyfriend should go through court, as he has been diagnoised with slight depression, and i think she is the reason why. How can i help?
My daughters mother and I disagree on one matter. I don’t think that the person she met on the internet and has been seeing for a week should be spending the nite while our daughter is in the house and I don’t think she knows this person well enough to introduce our child to this person and have them around every day. I ask that she give it time maybe a month or two to know that this relationship may actually go someplace before our child is introduced into the situation. And the sleeping over should be saved for a even later time in the relationship. She disagrees with me and doesn’t see how our child can be affected by any of this. She knows this person well enought after 1 week to trust that nothing will go wrong with them. What do I do? I am looking out for the interests of my daughter and don’t want her to get hurt or confused.
Hi, Shawn,
I’ll give the obvious disclaimer that you should consult an attorney to find out all your legal options, but in my layperson’s opinion, I would suggest requesting mediation through the family courts to have your custody arrangement modified to include specifications/guidelines that address your concerns. Perhaps a third-party mediator, family counselor (which the court may order) and/or parenting coordinator can help your child’s mother understand what’s in your child’s best interest and safety in this regard.
Best to you and your family,
~Deesha
I really think my boyfriend should go through court, as he has been diagnoised with slight depression, and i think she is the reason why. How can i help?
Hi, Lauren,
I think you can help by encouraging your boyfriend to pursue available legal options to restore visitation with his son, and to seek treatment for his depression.
Best to you,
~Deesha
I have been dating this guy for a year. He only gets to see his kids on the weekends. His girls are 14 and 16. I keep asking to meet his girls, but he keeps saying he doesn’t know if he or the girls are ready. I keep bringing it up every month since March and we almost break up because he keeps saying he needs time to think. We struggle seeing each other because he has to be with the girls every weekend. It would be so much easier if we could do things together. He tells me that they just never talk about him dating so he never talks about it. This just drives me nuts that he will not allow me to meet them. It makes me feel that he is hiding me and that our relationship is not very meaningful to him. I think he only wants to introduce the girls to me when he is ready, but he avoids conflict and I have a gut feeling it will never happen.
My question is how long do I wait for him to introduce me to his girls.Everyone I talk to says its weird and he just doesn’t care about me. I am 43 years old and I want to get remarried. He just turned 45 and has told me that someday he does want to get married. What do I do? How long do I wait?
Jean,
See my reply here:
http://coparenting101.org/2009/06/23/co-parenting-and-dating-how-long-do-i-wait-for-him-to-introduce-me-to-his-kids/
~Deesha
Wow, I didn’t know this thread was over here. I’ve noticed that the majority of the questions/concerns have come from women.
Deesha, you are doing a good job. I love the fact that you know when to hold them and thus, advise your guests to seek legal advise when it’s warranted.
I would like to address an issue of Shaun’s. From a father’s point of view, his situation is serious, imo.
We can not choose our lovers for our ex, but I’d be very concerned about men they bring around my children. I’ve heard of those that have found love on the Internet. However, I’ve also heard of the horror stories. Given the time period of his ex’s new relationship, and the circumstances of which they’ve met, I agree with Deesha. Guidelines are warranted, and fast. Also, I am not a legal expert (just a dad) but his suggestion to his wife that she should wait at least a month, might even be to soon …way too soon, imo.
I don’t know the age of Shaun’s daughter but on both ends of the spectrum, it’s a slippery slope. If the daughter is a teenager, there’s obvious concerns. If the daughter is a toodler, there’s even more issues.
On a side note. Kids learn from their parents. I wonder what example the mother is displaying and how this will affect their relationship in later life.
Hello Deesha, As you know, men have co-parenting issues. We just are not as prone to admit we don’t have all the answers. It’s a macho thing.
I am new to your site. What has been the trend? Are men less open about sharing there fears in regards to the intentions of their new mate. I’ve noticed that more women ask questions of the heart than men. Have you noticed that as well and if so, why do you think it’s so.
Your site is a wonderful place and I think men could become better co-parents by visiting if only to listen to the hearts of women.
Hi, Carey,
Thanks for your kind words and for stopping by to share your insights! I agree with you that a month isn’t enough time; hopefully, the mediator/counselor that Shaun consults can make the case to his ex for a longer “wait” time.
The trend here has been that the overwhelmingly majority of the comments are posted by women. The same is true of those who reach out to us to share their story, and of those to whom we invite to share their story. We have your story, another co-parenting dad is drafting his, and I’m waiting on a reply from another dad (you know who you are!
. Just as some have observed that some black folks are more “at home” at spaces specifically designated for “us”, the same may be true of dads (vs. moms). Check out our friends at dadsdivorce.com, and you’ll find a lot of guys expressing a lot of emotion.
The other dynamic that may be at play is…me! Because I (a female) tend to be the one replying to comments, the site has a female vibe in that respect. My fellow co-parent isn’t as available to handle the replies, so it’s me by default. This is another reason why I appreciate your male insight here!
Finally, as we alluded to in a previous post on co-parenting and dating, I think sometimes we don’t hear from the guy wringing his hands over his ex’s behavior because, honestly, it doesn’t bother him as much as it bothers the new girlfriend. Again, it may be because he’s not paying child support, so he doesn’t want to make any waves or anger the child’s mother if he can avoid it. Or maybe the ex isn’t the real reason he’s not bringing the child around–maybe he’s not that serious about the girlfriend, or maybe there’s something going on with her that he doesn’t want to expose his kids to. Who can say for sure? So…if any of this is in fact going on, then of course it would be the girlfriend, and not the boyfriend, who feels there’s a problem (i.e., not seeing/meeting the kids).
~Deesha
You are so on point, Deesha. There are so many reasons why the boyfriend does not bring the children around their new mate or introduce them to the girlfriend.
From my own experience, after my wife passed away I waited over a year to entertain another woman. I’ve never been the one to advise another on when it’s appropriate to met the kids/when to date or any issues involving co-parenting. Specific time periods are so subjective. Time is a valuable tool yet quality time is the trump card.
As I mentioned, I slowly moved into the dating game. Of course I received the side eyed look from many that thought I should have a shrine in my home and never be in the company of another women. Nevertheless, there are still some that are not cozy to the idea. One is my son.
You mentioned something about the emotions of men (co-parent) being different than women. This appears to be true in the lives of are children as well. My daughter seems to understand. Yet, I’ve had to honored the cold feeling of my son toward my companion and do not plan time with him and her. In this case, it’s not about her, it’s about the children.
I’ve noticed that many of the issues of the new girlfriend surrounds time spent with the children that takes away from time spent with her. Or, they sometimes feel like a secondary issue – on the sidelines. What’s amazing about this delimma is that these emotions/issues occur in traditional families as well. Many men will tell you that their most treasured love will come second to that of their children. I think to some degree it is a natural instinct of protection.
So, when some women feel as if they are playing second fiddle to a man, that might well be the case. Then, it’s my opinion that the new lover has to look deep and accept that position or possibly miss a good relationship by worrying about things out of their control.
As you said to another postee, it’s never wise to tell a grown man what to do. If he is a man, he will resist giving up that title, imo.
I appreciate everyones thought about why he wont introduce me to his kids. I really feel he doesn’t want to introduce the girls to me until he is sure that I am the right one for him, but how will I know this relationship is going anywhere. He says he doesn’t know what he wants, but we keep dating. So, I am thinking he doesn’t know if he wants to get married. Should I set a deadline if he hasn’t introduced me to the girls? I get the impression that he feels really guilty over the divorce and when he has the girls on the weekends he tries to make up the lost time by trying to make them super happy.
Hi, Jean,
“Divorce guilt” is quite common, especially amongst dads who typically do not have primary custody. I know you want to be empathetic in that regard, but I’m sure a time frame for your meeting his girls would provide some comfort and clarity for you. A deadline might make your boyfriend feel like you are asking him to choose between you and his kids, but really it sounds like you want to be incorporated into his life with his kids. If he can’t offer you a time frame, perhaps there is some other way that he can clarify his intentions towards you and your relationship. As you said, how will you know where the relationship is going? How can you measure progress? No one wants to feel like they are wasting their time or being taken for granted.
Some other questions/issues the two of you may wish to consider: Does he know that you are empathetic about his “divorce guilt”, and that you admire how he wants to do what’s best for his kids? Tell him you think he’s a great dad and that you want to support him in that regard. At the same time however, does he fully grasp the position you’re in? Are the two of your dating exclusively? Does he acknowledge that by asking you to wait indefinitely (or rather, until his kids mention the possibility of him dating, which could be never!) with no assurances of a future together, that he’s asking quite a bit? Is he empathetic to your position as you are attempting to be to his? Would you be interested in dating others while dating him until he’s ready to solidify your commitment and introduce you to his kids? If so, how would he feel about this?
In sum, while I wouldn’t advise you giving an outright ultimatum or demanding to see his kids, I think it’s fair and reasonable that your boyfriend offer you some straight answers at the very least. As Carey said, you can accept your current position, or move on. I can only speculate as to what I would do if it were me, and without knowing all the specifics, I might choose a middle ground: just date him casually and not exclusively, until I was assured about his intentions towards/interest in me. I read a quote once that said, “Never make someone a priority if they treat you like an option.”
You wrote that he says he doesn’t know what he wants, but you know that you want someone who is marriage-minded. If you start dating others, you might just meet someone who is also marriage-minded. Just because you are empathetic with your boyfriend’s concerns regarding his kids doesn’t mean that you should put your life on hold–not for someone who hasn’t made a commitment to you and who can’t give you any idea when he will. Your empathy also doesn’t exempt your boyfriend from the hard realities of life: living with the consequences of the choices you make. While his concern for his daughters is admirable, and only he can judge when they are ready to meet his significant other, at some point he runs the risk of losing you. Carey said that you might miss out on a good relationship if you walk away, but by the same token your boyfriend might just miss out on you.
Finally, remember too that a “goodbye” now is not a “goodbye” forever. If you move on, your boyfriend may reach out again in the future when he is ready to date openly. On the other hand, I wonder if he is he feeling like, “If you’re really the one for me, you’ll wait”? Another question for him, and the same old decision for you.
Best to you,
~Deesha
Wanted to add…as to the issue of whether a year of dating is long enough before introducing the kids, I think that depends on the situation. Some folks wait less time and it works out fine, while others wait longer and it works for them too. (Either scenario can end in disaster, too, but that’s another story for another day…) However, the grown-ups should be clear with each other as to whether or not an introduction is even in the future; how long into the future is a separate issue. Meeting the kids should signal a Big Step in a relationship, but prior to that, there should be other Big Steps, clear markers as to where this relationship is headed…or not.
Hi
Just curious what are some other clear steps to see if the relationship is going somewhere? I asked him if he ever wants to get remarried and he said yes. I told him that if he just wants to date and not the intentions of getting married he needs to let me know because that isn’t what I want. I said how do I know you are committed to this relationship and he said, “We have been dating for a year isn’t that a sign” I really do care for this guy and I believe he does care for me, but I also think he is scared to take the step. The reason why this has been such a touchy subject is because it seems like every month since March we almost break up because I want to meet the girls. I tell him I wont bring it up again, but then it seems like in 3 weeks I bring it up again. If I don’t bring it up he never talks about it. I will ask him all the time how his kids are, etc.. and he doesn’t seem to mind that. He is suppose to go to a meeting at my church to hear what an annulment is all about because I am Catholic and he isn’t. He agreed to go to the meeting. The meeting is in July, so if he goes to this meeting it will definitely show he is interested in more than dating. Do you agree?
Hi, Jean,
I think his attending the annulment class would be a positive sign, however, I’m curious: Does that mean he has to annul his previous marriage in order for the two of you to be married in the Catholic church? I’m not familiar with the process/rules.
Let’s see…what else?…
Are you the only woman he’s dating?
You asked if he wanted to get remarried, and he said yes…Now, I’m not trying to be funny, but is he being clear that he wants to marry you? Again, no offense intended.
Have you met his close friends, colleagues, other family members?
Do the two of you talk about/envision the future as if it is something you will explore together (i.e., sharing a home, travel, future educational or professional pursuits, cultural interests)?
Does he talk about future plans such as “When I introduce you to the girls…”? He may not know exactly when, but hopefully he will give some indication that he intends to.
Commitment, especially the second time around, can be a scary thing. I speak from personal experience. But your boyfriend’s fears have to be balanced by some degree of concern for fairness where you are concerned.
~Deesha
Yes, that is what an annulment means. Not sure if he will do it because he said if he does his ex will find out and make it hell for him. Yes, I am the only person he is dating. We see each other one night during the week and usually one night on the weekend. No, I haven’t met anyone he associates with. He doesn’t have close friends. If he isn’t working he is with his girls or me. He does shoot pool one night a week, but doesn’t hang out with those guys. No, I tried to meet his parents and that was the same situation as the girls. He is so exhausted all of the time he hardly ever has one night free. He never knows whats going on that day until he looks at his calendar in the morning. We never know the weekend schedule until the girls tell them what they have going on or what they want to do and that isn’t usually until Thursday night or Friday. So, this isn’t a guy that plans ahead at all. Two weeks ago he mentioned that we should go to Mexico together. Here and there he will mention about doing things together in the future. No, he never says when I introduce you to the girls. I don’t think he will because then he knows I will keep asking when?
Again, I am just a man and yet I beleive a man’s point of view could help in this exchange.
I am so glad Deesha’s post ended with this ….”If you’re really the one for me, you’ll wait”? Another question for him, and the same old decision for you” …here’s why.
From my observations of men, having been around thousands of them, they don’t like sharing or competition. Hence, dating others while “waiting” for him is a slippery slope.
Even though the man has made no firm commentment, they sometimes view women who wish to date others as women who would always jump the fence at the best offer(at the time) or one who has to have it their way.
All I am saying is one should be careful about mentioning dating other. Be forewarned that a man might view this in a different manner. I would suggest that the mentioning of such be thoroughly thought out and framed in the proper context.
Many women have tried the jealousy game. Frequently they are left with a jealous, doubtful, questioning guy. Men are very insecure when it come s to women.
Just my little viewpoint.
Btw,It appear that Jean is on the threshold to all her answers. She’s asking all the right questions.I think she will have to find the courage to pull the trigger. And the motive to do so.
I hope I didn’t barge in on 2 womens discussion.
Well, Jean, the ball really is in your court. Even once you meet his kids, will you be satisfied with how little time he has to commit to a relationship, or how he doesn’t plan ahead, etc.? Not judging him for this because people with all sorts of quirks, schedules, dispositions and personalities can have successful relationships; I’m just asking if this is what you want. Sounds like the kids/meeting the kids are just part of the issue here. I agree with Carey that you are asking the right questions, and that it comes down to what you’re willing to contend with and be content with. I think the “right” answer is the one you can live with.
Meeting his parents and meeting his kids are two separate issues, imo. It would seem that meeting his parents would be purely about how serious he is about you and your relationship, with no worries about traumatizing or upsetting them. That’s a step he could take at some point to clarify his intentions.
~Deesha
Carey
I actually I appreciate a mans point of view too. So, please tell me how long should I wait? I really do care for this guy and when we actually get time together and he is rested he really enjoys being with me. I ask him if I make him happy and he says I do. My question is would a guy keep calling and texting if he doesn’t really care for this person or doesn’t want to loose this relationship? I am not looking to get married instantly, but I would like to be engaged by May because that would almost be two years. I cannot see myself dating anyone else the same time I am dating him.
Just to clarify…I know some women (and men) play the jealousy game, but that’s not what I had in mind when I suggested that Jean might want to consider dating others. I made the suggestion based on what I think I would do in this situation, for three reasons. First, I’d need certain things to be present in a relationship in order for me to be exclusive. Second, dating others would help me shake the feeling that I was being taken for granted. And third, I think it’s easy for someone to drag their feet as long as they have no real motivation to step lively.
So, it’s not about jealousy…it’s about respect.
I hear what you’re saying, Carey, about how the guy might “read” this choice, but the alternative–waiting with little or no real incentive to do so–would not appeal to me. You wrote that the woman could paint the picture of herself as someone willing to jump at the best offer or who has to have it her way. I would say that the guy is painting a picture of himself as well–as someone who strings folks along and has to have things his way. I could live with losing That Guy; I’d have a harder to with feeling like I’m being taken for granted. But everyone’s mileage varies and our limits too.
I think it comes down to the difference between compromising and settling. The latter is one-sided, and I don’t recommend it. The scenario you paint looks very one-sided: the woman has to “fear” reprisal and cater to the man’s insecurity. What’s his responsibility to her? What about her concerns and insecurities?
~Deesha
You are absolutely correct Deesha, my words didn’t express my true feelings. Playing the jealousy game is a whole different subject. I am glad you caught that.
I am so glad Jean has allowed us to express our opinion of her concerns. It’s interesting how “I” as a man, tend to look at the issue from the guys point of view. You on the other hand said, “What’s his responsibility to her?” “What about her concern and insecurities”.
Those are very good points. I’ve learned something in this exchange. Well, I think it’s the root of any good relationship – compromise …seek first to understand.
There is one issue that seems to be paramount in this discussion. Jean asked how long she should wait?
Also Deesha, you wrote …”And third, I think it’s easy for someone to drag their feet as long as they have no real motivation to step lively”
I think you’ve voiced your opinion on “how long”, Deesha. So, I will defer that question back to you and maybe you can explain to Jean and I, your “step lively.
Jean, Deesha obviously has boundaries/ guidelines in relationswhips, as she detailed in the above post. If I am reading her post correctly, I think it’s incumbent upon you to decide what you are comfortable with. Earlier I spoke of acceptence. It’s been a valuable tool in my life’s struggles. If I can change it, I will try. If I can not change the situation, I stay in pain and worry if I don’t accept it. If I don’t like any of those choices, I move on. But through it all, it’s still my job to define what I want and what I can live with.
“Step lively” vs. foot dragging in this case means that Jean’s boyfriend gives her some clear signs of progress in their relationship such that she doesn’t have to wonder where they are headed and if they are making progress.
Hi,
In all, I feel that everyone is saying handle what you can and if its not what you want get out, but I am new at this dating thing and I am scared that I am rushing things for him. I do not want to break up with this guy and if I bring up the girls again very soon I know it will break us up. He calls and text me everyday, I know I would miss that horribly and not being able to see him. To be honest its not the fact of meeting his girls its the fact of his commitment to me. I feel that he should be proud of me and wants to brag me to his girls and parents, but instead I am in secret. I gave him a picture of us and every time the girls and parents come over to his house he takes the picture down. That hurts my feelings, he said he doesn’t want the girls drilling him with questions. He told me that the girls know he is dating, but he isn’t sure if his parents do. I figured I would wait for awhile and then ask him where we go from here. This is where I am struggling because I did tell him I would not pressure him anymore to see his girls and that I would let him decide when the time is right. How long do I wait before this is mentioned again???? If he cancels out of the annulment meeting then I know he isn’t serious about this.
Would a guy take off of work and go on vacation with someone if they didn’t see a future with this person?
I live with my fiance and we have been together one year. I have a 5 year old that does not see her father, and my fiance has a 4 year old with his ex. They are still going through the divorce but it is only a matter of paperwork. When we first started seeing each other she flipped out on him and didnt allow me to see their daughter. Then although I was allowed to see her after 4 months, she placed all these restrictions and rules on it and would constantly yell and fight with my fiance, making him feel guilty for being with me. She also said he was hurting his own daughter very badly by being with a woman who had a child, siting he would spend more time with my duaghter than his own. She has sent me nasty emails, and started many fights between my fiance and I. When we first were together he was very limited in his freedom and visitation. He was only allowed to see his daughter at the moms house. He got away from this when we moved in together, but after several months it seems he is back to doing a couple nights a week at the moms house, due to the distance and not wanting to spend his entire visitation time in the car. She is very bitter and angry he left her and even though they were separated for 4 years before I met she is enraged that he intends to marry again and I have a feeling it has a lot to do with money. My question is that it is a very difficult situation for me and I try to be patient but I can’t help but give my opinion and it often leads to fights with us. How much am I allowed to say what I think he should and shouldn’t do and how much interaction with his ex is okay? She does text and call him regularly, but since he sees he’s daughter every other day he insists it is only ever about what time and when he will pick her up or if she is sick or something. I have given up on trying to be nice to the mom and be friendly with her because she is so angry toward me and is highly manipulative. How do I ease my man out of this dysfunctional web with her and still support his spending time with his daughter?
To be honest its not the fact of meeting his girls its the fact of his commitment to me.
That was my sense as well.
Would a guy take off of work and go on vacation with someone if they didn’t see a future with this person?
It could happen. I once vacationed with a guy who didn’t see a future with me–nor did I see one with him. We were both just living in the moment, each for our own reasons. So I wouldn’t recommend using that as a litmus test. You could very well return from vacation and still not know what his specific intentions are, if he fails to articulate them.
This is where I am struggling because I did tell him I would not pressure him anymore to see his girls and that I would let him decide when the time is right. How long do I wait before this is mentioned again????
Well, since it’s about the larger question of commitment and not seeing the girls, then I think a question about commitment is fair game, at any time. It seems to me that a committed man would want you to know without a doubt that he’s committed; he would want to reassure you. But if he feels you need more reassurance than he is willing to give, then you are right back at the same impasse and question: What can you live with? If you take the issue of the kids off the table, I think you can safely say that a year of exclusive dating is more than enough time for him gauge his level of interest and his intentions, and to convey these to you.
Now, on some level you could say that he has already in fact conveyed this to you, and his answer is…He doesn’t know. Again, can you live with that? If so, you wouldn’t be the first woman who did…you just have to make peace with your decision and truly release him from the obligation of offering you anything beyond that until he is ready. Stay, in peace. Or leave and find your peace in leaving.
Hi, Jadminp,
You wrote: How do I ease my man out of this dysfunctional web with her and still support his spending time with his daughter?
You can’t, as long as he doesn’t want to ease out.
How much am I allowed to say what I think he should and shouldn’t do and how much interaction with his ex is okay?
It sounds like you’ve already hit his limit if your complaints have lead to fights between you. While I do think you are within bounds expressing how you feel about his weekly visits, it seems that he doesn’t want to hear it because he’s okay with his current level of interaction with his ex. Otherwise, he would report her to the court if she’s in violation of their custody/visitation agreement. If they don’t have a temporary agreement in place while the divorce is being finalized, they should and your boyfriend can make a motion to get one which would allow him to see his daughter in your home. Now, of course there’s no guarantee that the motion would be granted, because his ex may well object. But he could try.
You wrote that at first “he was very limited in his freedom and visitation. He was only allowed to see his daughter at the moms house. He got away from this when we moved in together, but after several months it seems he is back to doing a couple nights a week at the moms house.” Does “got away from this” mean that he brought her to your home once you moved in together, or does it mean that he stopped going to the mom’s house and didn’t see the child at all? If it’s the latter, then I can understand why his ex would feel that you are negative influence on his relationship with his daughter.
Still…as foul as her behavior is, try not to focus on his ex. You said she’s “started fights” between you and your fiance, and that she’s “making him feel guilty”. In this regard, she only has a much control over the two of you as you give her. Don’t put your fights and his guilt on her shoulders. She can try to make him feel guilty, but ultimately, if he’s doing all he can and doing right by his child, why feel guilty? She can plant that seed, but your boyfriend doesn’t have to nurture it. The same with your fights. He’s not handling her or his visitation the way you want him to–that’s not her fault. As I said, if he wanted to do things differently, he could ask the court for a temporary agreement/order or to enforce one that is already in place.
My wish is that all of three of you would focus solely on the kids in your care (not on each other), and on creating a loving, stable, peaceful environment for them in both households.
Best to you,
~Deesha
I’m having a really difficult time. My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years. His oldest daughter lives with us full time as well as my own daughter. He has two other children that live out of state. This past weekend he went to visit them and I was wholly supportive. A few days before he left he told me he was going to stay with his ex to save money on a hotel but that she wouldn’t be there. She had plans. Then he got there and told me that she actually was there the first night but would be leaving the next day. That turned into her spending the whole weekend there. I can take that, though I wasn’t really happy about it. But I would never have said anything to make him feel anxious during his visit. Now he is on his way home and he says his kids will be coming out to our house for a week in a couple of weeks. Here is the problem. They are quite young. 10 months ago I was pregnant and had an abortion because he said that he absolutely did not want the child but that if I had it I would have to just deal with him being miserable the rest of our lives because he wouldn’t walk away. I didn’t want to have the procedure at all and even left the clinic three times before finally conceding to his wishes. I had told him I would raise the child on my own if he would just leave, but he said he would never leave his child he would just resent me for the rest of his life if I had it. Now I feel desperate because I can’t fathom taking care of his small children in our home when he didn’t want MY child…yet could never tell someone they cannot have their children for a visit. How can I possibly deal with this?
Jennifer,
I’m so sorry to hear about your dilemma. I strongly encourage you to seek counseling, at the very least for yourself to cope with your post-abortion feelings related to the circumstances under which you had the procedure (i.e., your reluctance and your boyfriend’s pressure). Ideally, both you and your boyfriend could benefit from couples counseling to heal the hurt that you are experiencing and to address the state of your relationship. I think this would be a wise step even if his young children weren’t coming to visit, but even more so since they are. Again, even if your boyfriend is unwilling to attend counseling, I hope that you will.
Peace, comfort, and healing to you,
~Deesha
My boyfriend and I just recently moved in together, his mom lives with us now for a couple of months (that’s what she says, that’s another issue…) We’ve been together for 3yrs now, he has a 9 almost 10yrs old son with another woman (which I can’t hardly stand), I tried to set peace when I met her and had talked to her over the phone a long while ago, up till the time she decided to talk ***t about me and what we had said at that time to my boyfriend of course skipping the nasty part she said about him and how unworthy piece of ** my boyfriend was and the many things he did to her, and was probably going to do to me as well. I tried to talk to her just to maintain peace, plus the fact of they’re kid being around me.
I tried talking to her and letting her know how aggravated it is for me to deal with her calling and texting (no matter what day or time) my boyfriend to ask things about the kid, but also things that are not his concern. Like a couple of months I asked my boyfriend to fix or help me get my breaks(car breaks) since I’m always on the go and driving I had to get them fixed ASAP, and I work 6 days a week 14hrs a day… and she asked the same at the same time and he went and fixed hers (she works from home), he used to do her lawn and EVERYTHING for her, nothing for me. He has to reply and answer every single call and text from her, she knows everything that’s going on, things that sometimes I’m unaware.
Now since we’ve been living together she got married, but she keeps doing the “needy/clingy” with him and he keeps catering to her, I have asking to just let her go but he says is just me being insecure, I know I’m not but one thing is to talk about your kids school grades than to talk about how can I pump gas in my truck without ruining my nails… I have to do everything myself without him cause he’s always busy attending this woman.
Then there’s the kid… he doesn’t have any kind of manners (none, he burps and farts all over the place and it just grosses me out), he doesn’t help with bags after grocery shop, he leaves everything in the middle of the room like shoes, hats…etc, he just sits in the couch and ask for food all day, if we go out to the movies his dad HAS to get him snacks even if he had eaten in the house before leaving, he cries to his dad so he sleeps with him (YEAH HE’S 9 almost 10!!), he only wants dad’s attention all for him and whatever I do he has to do, like if I sit in the couch and put my legs on my boyfriends legs and kinda cuddle to him and maybe get up to get a drink, he’s already doing the exact thing and not letting me be close to my boyfriend. We have him every other weekend (that’s if the ex doesn’t change plans and want us to watch him every time is convenient for her, despite the fact I’m never home therefore I spend almost NO time with my boyfriend and when his son is home our time together is even more limited, adding the 800 calls and texts of the ex…)
At this point I don’t know what to do or say to my boyfriend about the little brat his raising by allowing him to keep manipulating him like that and constantly being in some sort of competition with me and I don’t know if the mom has something to do with this kids behavior…
I dont know how to tell my boyfriend that I need him to focus on me, give me attention and communicate things with me not with his ex, I have been feeling like I’m just his mistress and that’s not fair. Now I’ve been to Dr’s cause I’ve been sick and having the kid there takes some attention and help from him since the kid can’t even grab a glass and pour water in it by himself.
I know I can’t tell him how to raise his kid, but I need him to be more of a father and not let his kid get away with everything and set some rules like sleeping by himself at a certain time, no TV or Video Games on certain days or times, get him to do some shores or help, and be rewarded, not just giving everything just cause… and maybe a way to explain to him and ask him to put his foot down with his ex so she can stop the “needy/clingy” attutide with him. I need him, I need a partner/a companion and I’m not getting it almost harly ever since she’s always trying her best to not let it happen by sending the kid or calling/texting all the time all day and/or requesting things from my boyfriend…
I need help is frustrating and desperating… what can I do?? Every time I try to bring any of this up he gets upset and I’m misunderstanding, etc etc… Please just help me…
**I need help is frustrating and desperating… what can I do?? Every time I try to bring any of this up he gets upset and I’m misunderstanding, etc etc… Please just help me…**
Hi, Mon,
Your frustration comes through loud and clear. I’m going to guess that you and your boyfriend did not discuss a specific game plan for handling his son when he is staying with the two of you, and how to handle the transition and the inevitable issues. Now you are in reactive mode instead of being proactive, but you can still try to get on the same page. It’s clear that you each have different expectations, and you feel your boyfriend is meeting his kid’s needs and wants at the expense of yours. At some level, the kid comes first, but there is a difference between his needs and his wants. It’s understandable that your boyfriend may not be open to all your parenting suggestions, but there needs to be some allowance for and receptivity to your concerns about bedtime, manners, food, and other issues.
Perhaps the next time you broach the subject with your boyfriend, you can take the “let’s work together to make a plan we can all live with” approach vs. the “let me vent and tell you how you suck as a parent and how you are neglecting ME” approach. I’m not saying that you have intended to take this latter approach, but that may be what your boyfriend perceives–that you are simply being critical and insecure when you raise issues about his son. Articulate to your boyfriend that like him, you are concerned about his child’s well-being, and that you want to support him in his parenting endeavors, but that your home needs to be a place where everyone feelings and needs are considered.
As for your boyfriend catering to his ex…I smell a lack of boundaries. This isn’t something you should address with her because the bottom line is that she’s not holding a gun to your boyfriend’s head and making him say “How high?” when she says, “Jump!” For whatever reason, he’s continuing to make himself available more than is warranted for basic co-parenting purposes. We can only speculate as to his motivations. You can try once again to tell him how his super-responsiveness to her makes you feel, but ultimately he has to be willing to let go. Let him know that you feel that you are playing second fiddle to his ex, and that you would like for him to draw some boundaries where she is concerned.
Perhaps you can choose a time when you aren’t in the midst of a heated conflict about his son or his ex–maybe go out for dinner or coffee, just the two of you–and try to have a calm discussion about the issues that concern you. Approach him seeking resolution and peace, not with the blame game in full effect. He knows you’re upset and frustration. Now ask him to work with you as a partner to solve the problems you’re facing.
Hopefully, your boyfriend will listen respectfully to your concerns and will be willing to work with you to create more peace in your household.
Best,
~Deesha
Where do I begin? Sorry this may be long. I’m divorced with a three year old daughter and have been dating a man for nearly a year with whom I’m very much in love with. He has a son (5 yrs. old) with an ex girlfriend. In fact, they had broken up before he ever new she was pregnant. She had 2 previous abortions with two different men before getting pregnant with my boyfriend. He actually paid her to keep the child because she was threatening to abort his son. That’s where the trouble started. She saw him as a “cash cow” because he does well for himself financially. She has caused misery ever since. She has been called by therapists and attorneys, a “narcissist”. She has done nothing “right” for her son but instead has told him that my boyfriend isn’t his true dad, that he is a part time dad, controls the time he spends with him, constantly claims she needs more money because she is starving and her son is too. Mind you she makes $65,000/yr + child support. When I first met him he was going back to court to get more time with his son and he was told by his 5 yr. old son that she was smacking and yelling at him which warranted an investigation. Well, did going back to court backfire!! She made up a ton of lies …none of which were that bad. ( i.e. no claims of abuse, emotional or physical). Still they were lies at that. The judge ordered an evaluation of both parents through the FOC. She continued to lie through the evaluation and my boyfriend received a horrible review and lost most of his custody. No in-home study, no interviews with family/friends and no seeing the parent interact with the child. Purely on hearsay. He received one weekend per month and no holidays until his son was 18. Pretty extreme considering there was nothing “harmful to his child” in her claims. He was devastated. He loves his boy.
This is when things turned around. He finally found a good lawyer (very expensive to boot!) and had the decision appealed. They had a deposition with both parents and their attorneys present. My boyfriend’s attorney caught her in over 15 lies and had a court reporter document it. He got his visitation back and a new agreement was signed by both parents right then and there! They agreed to see a parent coordinator to learn to work with each other. Unfortunately, she is back to her old tricks. She lies and crys constantly to the coordinator and refuses to work with my boyfriend. She pits her son against his dad. I know she says things to his son like your Dad doesn’t love you. What a confused and sad boy!! He is depressed and it is obvious. The coordinator seems overwhelmed by their case and told my boyfriend she knows the mother has issues and is a narcissist. Argghhh. What can she do to stop her from ruining the relationship between father and son? I love him very much and I see what a great Dad he is. He is also very good with my daughter. We talk about the future together all the time. I’m so worried that I’m getting into something “tough” to say the least. I’m very amicable with my ex and my daughter is not in the middle of anything. So, it’s good on my side. My boyfriend and I are educated people with good jobs. It’s a shame that his son’s Mom is so hard to work with. Any suggestions???? I really think she is NUTS!! Why are some people so bound and determined to destroy and control others lives? I just don’t get it. It probably all has to do with money. What a shame! HELP!
Emily,
Isn’t it funny (not “ha-ha” funny, but sad funny) how an expensive lawyer can “turn” a parent who has lost custody/visitation into a “good” parent who is fit to have custody or visitation? Sad, but true. My heart goes out to all those concerned parents who can’t afford good representation.
As Rebekah Spicuglia, the founder of NonCustodial Parent Community, pointed out in our interview with her, sometimes it’s merely the parent with the best lawyer who is awarded custody. I’m glad your boyfriend had his custody/visitation restored, but it’s unfortunate that the drama and stress are continuing for his child. I would suggest on-going counseling for the son, if he’s not already getting it (request that the court mandate it, if the mom objects), and also counseling for your boyfriend. A good counselor can help equip your boyfriend to help his son. Further, your boyfriend might ask the court to require parenting classes and/or counseling for him and the child’s mother, as part of their shared parenting plan.
In the meantime, he should document, document, document! Every conversation, every incident of concern regarding his child and the child’s mother…note it all in a journal; it will come in handy for any future hearings. Finally, click here for a link to a two-part interview with a divorce attorney on the subject of high-conflict co-parents.
All the best to you and your family,
~Deesha
Thank you for your quick response!!
His son has been seeing a social worker for the past year. The sad part is the mother enrolled him in these therapy sessions without notifying him. They have joint legal custody. The mother has also met with this social worker on numerous occasions and has literally “painted” a bad picture of my boyfriend for the last year. She is clever at getting allies on her side from teachers to babysitters, etc. She claims he is the fault of all of his son’s problems. However, the social worker did not contact the father to speak with him too. The parenting coordinator was not happy with the social worker’s decision not to include the father. She also believes that the social worker isn’t helping the boy and suggests he see a psychologist of which neither parent knows and is neutral. Of course, nothing has happened and nothing has changed. I’m hoping that the counselor is building a case to present to the judge that would demand this change in counseling and maybe request counseling for the parents too. Up to this time, the mother has refused any counseling because she is fine… he is the problem. A typical trait of a narcissist.
My boyfriend has documented everything and has about 500+ emails in a binder. He has always been pleasant in the emails. She is the one that goes off the handle.
After going through this with my boyfriend, I have seen first hand how the court system has failed children. I cannot believe a responsible, caring father can lose so much because of lies and personal interest of one party. It’s an injustice to children and our future. My boyfriend has spent $50,000+ just to be a Dad to his son and for his son to have a Dad. No wonder why some parents just give up. There should be a penalty for parents that put children in the middle. A lot of this nonsense would stop today.
Thanks again for your reply and suggestions!
Oh…i don’t see the link of that interview…
You’re welcome, Emily. I totally agree that the court’s tendency to be reactive instead of proactive and to drop the ball at the expense of kids is a disgrace.
Apologies…the link was embedded in my previous comment, but here it is again in full form:
http://coparenting101.org/2009/07/08/a-divorce-attorney-on-co-parenting-an-interview-with-julia-hottle-day-part-2/
Best,
~Deesha
Thank you very much!!! Have a nice day.
Keyina,
Absolutely go to the precinct to try and get an order of protection. It sounds like you’ve exhausted all other possibilities. If you reply to this comment and tell me what state you’re in, I’ll see if I can run your question by a family law attorney in your state who would be better equipped to advise you. (I won’t post/approve the comment giving your location, to protect your privacy; only I will be able to see it.)
Best to you,
Deesha
i need to know what to do. i was attacked by the girlfriend of my daughter’s father. her and three friend jumped me at a night club recently. i dont know this woman but she obviously knows me. I have pictures of a scratch on my face in which she did during the fight. after the fight the woman yelled out that it wasnt over and that she would fight me every time she see’s me and she also said that my daughter has to be over there with her when she visits with her father and if she cant get to me she will get to me through my daughter. i take that very seriously especiakky b/cause she started a fight with me for no reason. I filed a police report that night but they made it for harassment because i didnt have her name. when I spoke to my daughter’f father he swore that they were n longer involved and that she no longer lived there. but he refused to give me the info i needed to get an order of protection for my self and for my child. a few days later my friend who was there that night called me & told me that this same woman was in the car with my daugter’s father and she tried to get out of the car to fight my friend but my daighter’s father pulled off. she also said that the woman yelled out” tell your friend I’m still looking for her. the next day I went down to family court and asked for an order of protection and a modification of visitation because my daughter’s father would not give me the necessary info for me to protect myself and our child. i also knew that with people still seeing them togethe that he was also lying about them no longer being together or living together. He also threatned to hurt me if i didnt send our child on her next visit. the courts would not grant me any temporary orders which was appalling to me. im trying to protect my child from a woman who physically hurt me and threatned my 20month old child who cannot yet communicate to me if someone has hurt her in any way. we do however have a hearing date for later this month.
a few days later my daughter’s father came to my home to talk to me about the ongoing situation. He again said they were not together and that he was ready to give me the information I needed to get the order of protection. he gave me a fake name and I know this because i had just received the information of who this woman was and that she really did live with him from one of her friends who asked to remain nameless. I knew that he wa only trying to cover his own behind. when i told him that i went to the courts he became enraged and he left and i havent heard from him since. he has missed three visits so far. Ihave also gon to criminal court with the womans info to try to get an order of protection but they wouldnt give me one either. they suggested mediation. they wouldnt give me one unless i had her arrested. im so confused as to why no one is taking this situation serious. I need to know what to do and what my options are as far as keeping this woman away from me and my child. Should i try and get a restraining order at the precint? Im kinda out of ideas. if you can offer any advice i would appreciate it
Thank you so much for responding so quickly. have a blessed day
You’re welcome. May I use your email address, if I am able to get a response for you from an attorney?
Best,
~Deesha
yes please i need all the help i can get. thank you thank you thank you
First, just finding this site has healed me in so many ways! Thank you, thank you, thank you…
I met the man I am dating a year ago and we were both ending/ trying to end the long term relationships we were in when we fell in love. I was successful, but he was not. Instead of being honest with his ex and telling her that he wanted to move on, he continued to date her and me at the same time. Long story short, she found out he was dating me and flipped. He tried to smooth things over which led to sex and she ended up pregnant with his child. To my knowledge, he did not date her while she was pregnant, but he was there for her the entire time. Not only did he help her prepare for the baby (his first, her second) he also took care of her daughter from a previous relationship.
What bothers me is that he, at some point, decided he no longer wanted people to know about us. He had led his friends and family on to believe that he and I no longer exist and that he is just “focusing on his family.” When I asked him why he was so afraid to tell his family and ex all of a sudden, he replied, “I don’t want my ex to try to keep my child away from me and I know my mother… She will talk if she finds out about you. ”
This makes me angry because I feel like I am left alone to take on the burden of “us” alone. Heck, it’s not easy for me to explain to my friends that my the person I believe is my soulmate cheated on me with his ex, got her pregnant, and now has a child by another woman! I know his ex is not over him and I know that he is afraid to tell her about us. I understand the family thing.. they want him to be a good guy, work it out for the kids, and get over his little crush on me… But how long is long enough for these feelings to subside? When is the right time to reintroduce me?
I feel like I am settling for a man who is ashamed of me or too cowardly to actually deal with the consequences of being honest with the other people in his life. Yet, I know this is a delicate situation, that his ex is saddened that their relationship didn’t work, and that this is very much about timing. Still, I don’t want to make excuses for him! I know I should be happy that he is already asking me to meet his son.. but in secret? How long should I wait?
The baby is just days old, and he and I are both adjusting to less time together because of daddy duties. I was already struggling with not being able to speak to/see him as much as I wanted because he was so hands on with the pregnancy. Being a secret adds more strain because we can’t speak to one another when he is in the company of his ex or his family which is about 23 hours a day! Should I meet his child under these conditions? If so, when should I expect him to get the guts to tell everyone the truth?
Hi, Ashley,
I’m so glad you’ve found the site helpful.
You wrote:
I feel like I am settling for a man who is ashamed of me or too cowardly to actually deal with the consequences of being honest with the other people in his life.
You are indeed settling, and he is indeed either cowardly, lying, or both.
Yet, I know this is a delicate situation, that his ex is saddened that their relationship didn’t work, and that this is very much about timing.
And yet she’s an adult, and relationships end, and life goes on, and grown ups learn how to face reality and move on. He’s blatantly telling you that he’s sacrificing what’s fair and respectful to you in order to spare another woman’s feelings! I think he’s made his choice, but by sticking around, you’re sending him the message that you’re okay with being his side piece, or playing second fiddle to his child’s mother. If this is not what you want to be to him, then let him go until and unless he’s ready to date you publicly and respectfully.
The timing has to do with the baby; the baby is new; the fact that he’s no longer interested in a relationship with the baby’s mother should have sunken by now–IF he’s maintained an appropriate boundary with her–IF. But even if it hasn’t sunken in with her, why should you settle for a secret relationship? There’s no legitimate reason he has to keep up a facade of a relationship with her and keep you a secret. To be a good father, he only has to do right by his child–not date the child’s mother, not placate his family.
““I don’t want my ex to try to keep my child away from me…” Then he should go to court and establish a custody and visitation agreement. This may be a real and vaild concern, but it also plays as just another excuse.
Still, I don’t want to make excuses for him!
Right. Because he’s making enough for the both of you.
I know I should be happy that he is already asking me to meet his son..
Actually, no, because that’s just a bone he’s throwing you. He’s offering you just enough to keep you around. As long as you will settle for these crumbs, he’ll keep serving them up. Don’t settle. And don’t interact with someone else’s baby in secret. I don’t know if you’re a mother or not, but I can tell you that I would be livid if anyone–much less my child’s father!–had my baby around someone *in secret*. How would you feel if it was your baby, and the tables were turned?
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He feels torn between what his ex wants, what his family expects, and his mother’s tongue-wagging. So hard…but guess what. Life is hard and full of choices that are difficult and painful. It’s pretty selfish of him to avoid sleeping in the bed he’s made, at your expense. But he can only do this to the extent that you allow him to. He may or may not be willing to dignify your relationship by making it public, but you owe it to yourself to accept nothing less than this.
The baby is just days old, and he and I are both adjusting to less time together because of daddy duties. I was already struggling with not being able to speak to/see him as much as I wanted because he was so hands on with the pregnancy.
Honestly, I think he lied to you. I think it’s great that he wants to be a hands on dad, even during the pregnancy, but it sounds like his not spending much time with you during the pregnancy (or now) is a choice he made, not for his child, but for the child’s mother, at the very least. There’s also the very real possibility that he still wants to be involved with her as well, and has used/is using the baby as an excuse to keep you too. While you would never ask a parent to choose between you and his child, you owe it to yourself to ask him to make a choice between you and this child’s mother.
Is he living with his child and the child’s mother?
Should I meet his child under these conditions?
No. Doing so tells him that you are willing to continue settling for side status. It would be most appropriate for you to meet his son when/if the two of you are in a solid relationship that is known to everyone, especially the child’s mother. If his child were older and could talk, would he introduce you and expect the child to keep the secret too? I doubt it, so your meeting an infant is fairly meaningless. You’re not meeting this child because you are special to this man; you are meeting the child because the child can’t talk. I don’t mean to convey that harshly, but I really think this is the dynamic at play.
If so, when should I expect him to get the guts to tell everyone the truth?
Honestly, I believe he will keep up this charade as long as you allow him to. He should have demonstrated his guts from the outset of his relationship with you. What he has going now is a win-win from his perspective, and a total loss for you.
Finally…if you had a daughter, would you encourage her to stay in a relationship in which she was a secret? If he had a daughter, would he?
Best to you,
~Deesha
Thanks Deesha,
You confirmed what I already knew! I can’t be angry if I have allowed these things to be done to me. Time to make a change and stand up for myself. I may end up alone, but really, is that any different than what I am now?
I appreciate your response so much!
Thanks again.. and great point- If my daughter were in my shoes, I would tell her to walk. Shame is, the women in my life, we don’t seem to be strong enough to walk away from what we want the most when it hurts us the most. This is going to be hard, but I’m building my courage as we speak.
Brava, Ashley!!
It can be soooo hard to walk away. I’ve been there!
You made an excellent point: “I may end up alone, but really, is that any different than what I am now?” There’s something I’ve learned along the way that has become a guiding principle in my life: There are worst things in life than being lonely–among them, being with someone and still being lonely.
Another principle: What would I want my daughters to do in a given situation? I should have the same standards for myself and how I interact with others. Often, we demand better for our children than we do for ourselves.
All the best to you,
~Deesha
My boyfriend was with his ex for 9 years and they were engaged. They have a son together who is a 2. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and a half.
He had still been with her while we were dating (I didn’t know this at the time. I was led to believe they had been broken up)
When his fiancee and I found out he first tried to lie to her about me. I told her the truth and he finally admitted to it. He told me he stayed with her for the kid, that they had never really planned on getting married and they weren’t really together. They weren’t sleeping together either. She confirmed this, they weren’t getting along. They had been breaking up before she got pregnant. He went off to Europe and she was suppose to be gone when he came back….but she was pregnant so he stayed with her. (This was before we were dating). After she found out about us she wanted to stay with him and I stepped back so they could figure things out. I have no interest in ruining a family. He left her a few days later and a she moved out. After that we got back together.
The problem is he doesn’t want her to know that he’s seeing me again, he is nervous about bringing me over because her sister still lives in the building and might see me. For that reason he hasn’t let me come over when he has his son. (I read what you wrote about seeing kids in secret and I wouldn’t want to do that to her anyway). There is also still a picture of her on his fridge. I haven’t said anything about it.
I do still go to his place allot and spend the night. All her stuff is gone. So I’m certain she’s gone. I know she’ll be upset to know we are still together but how long should I wait before he tells her? The pictures of her also bothers me, though I try to ignore them. I clearly still have some trust issues as well, I’m worried that the reason he doesn’t want to tell her about us is because he doesn’t want to burn any bridges. We’ve been together a long while, and I had thought they had been broken up just as long so its hard sometimes to remember that its really just been a few months. I’m trying to be patient but its frustrating. What should I do?
Hi, Lisa,
Thanks for stopping by. You wrote: I’m worried that the reason he doesn’t want to tell her about us is because he doesn’t want to burn any bridges.
Has your boyfriend given you an explanation for why he doesn’t want his ex to know he’s seeing you? He doesn’t have to make an announcement to her that the two of you are dating, unless he plans to introduce you to his son. There are a variety of valid reasons a parent may delay introducing their child to a significant other, but I can’t think of a legitimate reason for him not to allow you to come to his house when his son is not around. So what if her sister sees you? As long as his son doesn’t, there shouldn’t be a problem.
Your concern about him trying to keep the door open with her sounds about right to me. In fact, given his track recording of lying to you, he may be walking through that door already.
So I can certainly understand your frustration. I don’t think there’s really any reason for you to wait around to see if he’s going to tell her about you, especially when he’s not giving you any indication as to what he could possibly be waiting for. My advice is to let him know that you would like to date openly–that includes going to his place. If he’s not willing to do this, I say move on.
We do go and stay at his place often. Probably twice a week but he’s always nervous about it. About his ex the only explanation I ever get is “she will freak out if she knows I’m still seeing you”.
Her sister is moving out of the building at the end of the month. He wants me to come over then and meet his son. He still wont be telling his ex about me though.
I guess I’ll have to try to talk to him about it….. or leave like you suggested if he’s unwilling to be honest with everyone.
Thanks for your help!
Hello,
I read the wise words you offered on your site about co-parenting and taking vacations as a family that is “enduring”, and I have a question for you that I really hope you can help me with! I have a lot of information to get across before I get to my question, so I apologize in advance if it seems really choppy! My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 9 months and are in love with each other. He truly has been wonderful to me. He co-parents his 7-year-old son with his ex and I support their co-parenting. He and his ex attend his school and sporting events together, have joint custody, but otherwise are only in contact with each other when one gets the son from the other, or by phone when something comes up that has to do with the son. My boyfriend wanted to introduce me to his son after we’d been seeing each other for three months, and I wanted to make sure that we didn’t rush into it, and that we did our best to ensure that the first meeting was appropriate and respectful. My boyfriend and his ex even asked a child psycholgist about the best way to introduce a new partner into their son’s life, and we followed her advice. Since then we have enjoyed activities together several times with his son and my boyfriend feels secure that his son likes me and is fine with our relationship. I haven’t met my boyfriend’s ex yet. She seems fine with our relationship and doesn’t feel threatened by my presence in her son’s or her ex’s life.
Okay…that’s the background info…now I’m leading up to my question…! My boyfriend and his ex recently signed a separation agreement and are planning to file for divorce in September. They are planning to take their son on a trip to Disneyland together in a few weeks as a family trip to give their son happy memories before they divorce. As I mentioned earlier, I do support the idea of co-parenting, but I’m completely new to the idea of co-parenting vacations, and a few details about the trip have me really concerned. First, they are spending a week in California (Disneyland and Sea World in San Diego) just the three of them. Next…they are planning to share a hotel room. I have major concerns about this. I worry about their son — that it will blur the boundaries of their current reality — that they have lived in separate houses for over a year and it may confuse their son by getting his hopes up that they are reconciling if he sees them all staying in close quarters. My second concern is for my own heart. I do trust my boyfriend, but human nature is human nature, and I worry that spending that amount of time together, especially sharing a hotel room, will bring back old feelings. I’ve expressed this to him, and he is adamant that he loves me, can’t wait for the divorce to be final so we can move ahead with our relationship (i.e. move in together) and that this is all about being together for his son to give him happy memories and nothing else. Actually, he did mention that it’s also about finances and that it’s cheaper for them to share a room (which is true…but I still think it’s inappropriate for them to share a hotel room). Gaah! What do you think?
Hi, KFactor,
First…major kudos to you, your boyfriend, and his soon-to-be ex for your maturity and sensitivity to the needs of their child.
About their family vacation:
First, they are spending a week in California (Disneyland and Sea World in San Diego) just the three of them.
Check! We did that (took a week-long trip) with the kids every summer, from the onset of our separation and subsequent divorce until this summer when recently we spent a weekend away–Mike, me, the kids, Sherry (Mike’s wife), my fiance, my future stepkids, my fiance’s niece, and Sherry’s niece (I’m tired just typing all that!).
Also my fiance, his ex, and their kids took a week-long vacation once, when we were first dating.
Next…they are planning to share a hotel room.
Check! We did this previously too, and so did my fiance (then-boyfriend) when he and his ex vacationed with the kids.
I have major concerns about this. I worry about their son — that it will blur the boundaries of their current reality — that they have lived in separate houses for over a year and it may confuse their son by getting his hopes up that they are reconciling if he sees them all staying in close quarters.
This could happen, but a lot depends on the age of the child, and on the conversations his parents have been having with him about the finality of their split–or lack thereof. They may even choose to have a special conversation with him about what this family vacation does and does not mean, just to head off some confusion. Regardless, the child may still fantasize about his parents getting back together, finding hope in even the smallest of interactions, whether they go on vacation of not. This is typical of children of divorce.
Over the years that we vacationed together, neither of our children asked about us getting back together. I suppose they saw the vacation as an extension of the occasional dinners and outings that we have together throughout the year. And we’ve been very clear about the fact that we won’t be reconciling, and that we all spend time together because they are important to us, and because we are still a family–Mike and I are just not a couple.
My second concern is for my own heart.
Completely understandable, and I applaud you for being honest with yourself about that.
I do trust my boyfriend, but human nature is human nature, and I worry that spending that amount of time together, especially sharing a hotel room, will bring back old feelings. I’ve expressed this to him, and he is adamant that he loves me, can’t wait for the divorce to be final so we can move ahead with our relationship (i.e. move in together) and that this is all about being together for his son to give him happy memories and nothing else.
Not knowing your boyfriend’s situation, I can’t comment on the likelihood of proximity rekindling things. But I will say this: First, it is a common myth that people have about co-parenting that being “nice” to each other and being around each other will cause sparks between the former couple and lead to rekindling. We addressed this myth here, but in short: Try to give co-parents the benefit of the doubt. If they’ve taken themselves and their children through the emotional upheaval of separation of divorce, then they probably made sure that the fire was out completely.
That’s not to say that co-parents never reconcile, however. And it’s easy for me to say “don’t worry about it” because I haven’t been in your shoes (I didn’t have any concern about my then-boyfriend reconciling with his ex when they vacationed with the kids). So once again, I will ask our kids’ step-mom, Sherry, to chime in. I know she caught some heat from folks that care about her when Mike and I vacationed with the kids when the two of them were first dating.
In the meantime, I asked my fiance about this. I asked him if he ever worried about Mike and I reconnecting while vacationing with the kids. His response: “If you guys were going to rekindle, you didn’t have to wait until you went on vacation to do it. You interacted on other occasions, and had plenty of opportunity. I never worried about that.”
Actually, he did mention that it’s also about finances and that it’s cheaper for them to share a room (which is true…but I still think it’s inappropriate for them to share a hotel room). Gaah! What do you think?
Saving money was our primary reason as well. Plus, it’s one less time the kids are required to be with one parent OR the other.
I think it’s understandable and okay for you not to be thrilled about this. But I also believe that the shared room isn’t necessarily inappropriate. Now, if one or both of them were having a hard time letting go of the relationship, or thought they should share a bed or something, then I’d raise an eyebrow.
Now, all of this isn’t to say that successful co-parenting requires joint vacations, with or without shared hotel rooms. Some may feel that it is inappropriate for their situation. Just saying that it is something that some co-parenting families find that works for them and that their kids really enjoy.
Best,
~Deesha
Hi Deesha,
Thank you so much for such a fast, kind and considerate reponse! No-one I know has been in my situation or has even really heard of this type of arrangement before, so I really appreciate getting feedback from someone who has been there! I am using my boyfriend’s previous behaviour (which has been fabulous) as my guide to help quell my fears, and hearing your experience really helps. We are also visiting the same child psychologist next week to get her feedback on this to ensure that his son doesn’t come home from the vacation feeling disappointed and confused — and possibly hating me for still being in his Dad’s life. I’m hoping that an ounce of prevention…as they say… Thank you again so much for such a quick and detailed response. I’ll be reading and re-reading it for days.
Glad to be of help, KFactor!
You can read Sherry’s response here:
http://coparenting101.org/2009/08/09/you-said-it-co-parents-sharing-a-hotel-room-is-inappropriate/
Hi Deesha,
I have read all through the posts on this page and haven’t found any that match my current situation in one particular way: my current boyfriend of 4 years has a 5 year old daughter by another woman, but (and I understand the sensitivity and varied opinions on this matter), he did not want the child.
The story is this: we live in New York and my boyfriend’s work was taking him to Canada frequently during a period in his life prior to our meeting.
Apparently, he met this woman (let’s call her Michelle) through friends in NY and they exchanged numbers as she lived in the Canadian city he was visiting. She suggested she “show him around”. Well — and this is something I’m uncomfortable knowing my boyfriend did, but I understand guys will be guys — they began a casual, physical affair whenever he was “in town”.
This went on for about 6 or 7 months, happening once or twice a month… and she apparently visited NY on one or two occasions, staying with other friends, and seeing him.
As he tells it, she played the role of “independent woman” not interested in commitment or “getting serious”; she was career oriented and had lots of friends and, seemingly, boyfriends. But, 7 months after meeting, she suggested she move to NY and when he balked, shortly after the conversation, she announced she was pregnant.
As she told him throughout, she was on the pill. So, this situation was one of that 1% chance of conception.
In light of how my boyfriend felt about her — and having been honest with her about it once she suggested the NY move — he felt it was in their best interest not to bring a child into the world considering what was already a fractured situation.
According to my boyfriend, she was open to the “alternative” and said she needed time to consider it. I guess when the medical “due date” for the decision’s cut-off came around, she was suspiciously unreachable… the week came and went into her 3rd month of pregnancy and when she finally resurfaced she had decided she would keep it.
My boyfriend didn’t tell anyone – including his family – until a few months after the child was born (which he visited upon her birth). “Michelle”, however, insisted they maintain that they were still a “couple” separated only by my boyfriend’s work obligations in NY… I only discovered the daughter a year into dating when I stumbled upon an online birth announcement.
Currently, he has no relationship with the mother whatsoever. He makes monthly – or once every two month – trips to Canada to see his daughter and usually takes his own mother or father to act as a liason during the pick-up/drop-off’s. Occasionally, the child goes to visit his parents (her grandparents) in their own home out of state.
The child has never been invited to visit my boyfriend in NY. However, “Michelle” has – on several occasions – “showed up” in the city, threatening to bring the little girl to my boyfriend’s office… waiting outside of his apartment at 6 in the AM with the little girl “waiting” for daddy… “Michelle” has emailed my boyfriend’s friends to let them know he has a daughter… she will leave emotional voice and text messages saying he’s the only man she’s ever loved one minute… and then threatening him with legal action the next.
And regarding that: my boyfriend never took a DNA test, he saw a lawyer when his parents found out, but they have not gone to court. He contributes specific amounts to “Michelle” for specific needs such as school tuition, etc – he does not want to write her a check every month for her to spend it on anyone but the daughter.
I guess my question is this (and excuse the drawn out backstory): I realize my boyfriend is ultimately responsible for the situation; he chose to have sex with a woman he did not care for and this is a consequence. However, “Michelle”‘s actions during and after the birth of the baby have led everyone to believe she was trying to “snag” my boyfriend and get him to settle down (believe me, 4 years in and he still can’t discuss marriage…). She has shown herself to be manipulative and dishonest (breaking into his voicemail, reading emails, etc) so why should she be believed to have been on birth control? As disgusting as it sounds, we have all heard stories like this.
My boyfriend struggles, it seems, with how he feels about the little girl. The mother is of a different race and there is virtually no trace of my boyfriend’s features in her – she looks adopted. Not to mention the physical distance between them. I think he doesn’t know how to identify with the little girl because he hates the mother for denying his input in such a life-changing choice.
I struggle with wanting him to be a “father” to a child who is not mine… and wanting him to just walk away from the whole situation. That is selfish of me, but I am being honest.
I am sure part of his unwillingness to commit to me further is maintaining the status quo with “Michelle”; she is aware he has been dating, but has no idea about me specifically or the serious nature and length of our relationship.
I guess I would like to know your thoughts or advice more than anything; I have no one to talk about this with because I have been sworn to secrecy as he says he never wants ‘Michelle” to intersect with his “real life” in NY.
What attitude should I take in this? Should I insist “Michelle” know about me specifically (sometimes I think she is holding out for my boyfriend… you should read some of her blog entries in the past… total fantasy stories about her and my boyfriend and their daughter hanging out together on specific dates that I WAS WITH him… thus, she is clearly keeping a rather delusional flame alive)…
And, am I a horrible person to sometimes wish we could just forget about this whole situation and move on without the regular visits? Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend is nothing more than a sperm donor and, thus, shouldn’t be involved in the girl’s life – all the reunions and parting and explanations – any more than a donor is… maybe a holiday here and there, but maybe the little girl should grow up and decide for herself… it seems like the situation is negative either way.
Please, any thoughts on the matter would be very much appreciated.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful, informed advice to everyone on your website.
Kind regards,
“Confused + Conflicted”
Hi, C+C,
Thanks for stopping by. I believe you are on the right track by being honest about your feelings in this situation however conflicting and uncomfortable they may be. Too often, people can’t handle the discomfort and dissonance; they find it easier to play the blame game or to single someone out (usually an ex, or a new girlfriend) and deem them The Enemy. That’s easier than sitting with hard feelings, but it’s neither mature nor productive.
Your feelings are just feelings…you’re entitled. I think we’ve all been there before–wishing that a tough situation would just vanish, that the Earth would just open up and swallow the person/people who represent that thorn in our sides. So…now that you’ve acknowledged your feelings…what to do? What you do in light of those feelings is what matters most.
In many ways, you and your boyfriend face the same issue: the need to separate out the various entanglements his fatherhood has created.
First, he is a father, and as such has certain obligations to his child. He shouldn’t confuse this with his regret about his involvement with the child’s mother and the circumstances of her conception. Even if he feels duped and resentful, his child shouldn’t be denied a healthy relationship with him and his full support, including financial. I believe that if he views the situation from behind his child’s eyes, he will see things very differently. She no doubt wants his love, his presence, and his support. How he feels about her mother should not be a barrier to him providing all of that. It’s understandable that he may feel some hesitation, but he can still commit to building a closer relationship with his child. He may need counseling to do this, or he may just need to resolve to see this child as separate from her mother, and worthy of a heart connection with him. It’s okay that he may have to work at it; this little girl deserves the effort. At any rate, he needs to stop penalizing her for his regrets and her mother’s antics. Where do you come in? Encourage him in this direction. That’s the attitude I recommend.
As for the practical matters that he’s citing as reasons for keeping his distance…if he questions paternity, he needs to order a test. If he doesn’t order a test, for whatever reason, then he needs to stop using that as an excuse for not being fully present in this child’s life. If he doesn’t order a test, he’s accepting paternity, in which case he needs to commit himself to being the best dad he can be to this child. You mentioned that at times you feel like your boyfriend is nothing more than a sperm donor in this situation. I wonder if he feels that way as well, since he didn’t desire to have this child. If this is in fact how he feels, and yet he continues to see his daughter, then he needs to find a way to move to a more loving view of her and a more positive view of their relationship. She should not suffer as a result of his ambivalence and uncertainty.
About his only funding specifics like school tuition… Essentially then, he’s not contributing to her basic care–food, clothing, shelter. Is this also part of his ambivalence about fatherhood? Because as a father, he should want to contribute all that he can to his child’s well-being. While I can understand his not wanting Michelle to squander the money, is he sure that the child is well cared for, when he only sees her 6-12 times a year? Perhaps he and Michelle have an agreement that he pays tuition, and she takes care of everything else. If not, then he really should be contributing in other ways. He’s consulted a lawyer once already; his child is worth the effort of him finding out his legal rights and the recourse available to him if, say, the support money is misused. The system doesn’t always work like it should–and given that we’re dealing with Canada, I really don’t know–but your boyfriend should, at the very least, educate himself about the legalities of his situation.
The other entanglement your boyfriend needs to address is you–or rather, you should address it for your own sake. So, the two of you can never marry, for example, because Michelle might find out? Why would he give someone for whom he has so much disdain so much control over his personal life? Make sure he’s not using the “trauma” of his experience with Michelle as an excuse for not wanting to make a deeper commitment to you for other reasons. But even if his experience with Michelle is the root of the problem, at some point, he needs to address it.
Further, keeping his “real life” secret from Michelle, means forever keeping his daughter apart from his “real life” too. Has he considered how his daughter will feel about that? He’s protecting his “real life” at his child’s expense. It’s time dad woke up and accepted that is daughter is his real life. Her mother is part of the package, to some extent, but nothing, not even Michelle, should stop him from doing everything he can for his child. The fact is, whether he tells Michelle about you or not, she could make good on her threats to show up at his job and take “legal action” (to get support? which he should be paying anyway?). She already knows quite a bit about his real life anyway–like where he lives and works. Why is he allowing himself to be held hostage indefinitely?
Which brings me to the final entanglements that I see: your need to separate out Michelle’s delusions and dramatics from 1) the relationship between your boyfriend and his child, and 2) between your boyfriend and you.
First, if Michelle wasn’t manipulative and dishonest, if she were civilized and accepting of the fact that they are no longer a couple and that you are the new woman in his life…would you then encourage him towards a close relationship with his daughter? Would he desire a closer relationship with her under these circumstances? Your boyfriend’sdesire to pursue a relationship with his child shouldn’t be conditional upon her mother’s behavior. What can he do, in spite of Michelle, to build a closer relationship with his daughter? Visit more often, or for longer stints each visit? Bring her to his home in NY? Admittedly, I don’t know how custody and the legalities would work given that the child lives primarily in Canada, but again, an attorney here or in Canada, should be able to advise your boyfriend as to his legal options, and he should pursue them vigorously.
As for Michelle, call the cops when she shows up and makes a scene. It’s certainly not good for his kid to witness mommy acting up. And if Michelle can’t get herself together, is he (or are his parents) willing to take custody, perhaps temporarily, until she can? Again, the system doesn’t always work, but he can at least try. It sounds like he’s doing the bare minimum where this little girl is concerned. It’s time to stop worrying about protecting his reputation and start protecting his child.
Secondly, you asked if you should insist on Michelle knowing about you and the extent your relationship. Honestly, I don’t think that’s the most important question. That question places continued emphasis on what the adults in this situation need and want, and not the child. Michelle doesn’t need to know about you until and unless your boyfriend is ready to introduce you to his daughter. She has a right to know. But based on what you’ve shared, I would advise against your being introduced into this child’s life until her father solidifies his own relationship with her, and until you are both ready to love and accept her fully, regardless of her mother’s faults and schemes.
If you and your boyfriend are worrying that Michelle will ratchet up the drama once she learns about you, then all the more reason to deal with her right now (child support, restraining order–though again, only a lawyer can advise how this works given her residence, or if that’s even a factor) and attempt to stabilize the situation before introducing you. I think this is a very different position than your boyfriend’s desire to simply keep Michelle out of his “real life”just to keep her at bay. She’s already in his real life for at least the next 14 years; what he needs to do is everything he can to keep Michelle from acting in ways that traumatize their daughter, without distancing himself from his daughter. I’m not saying this will be easy but, once again, the kid is worth the effort.
Finally–and I’ve struggled with how to put this delicately–Michelle’s issues aside…what is your boyfriend revealing to you about himself in this situation? I’ll share a story with you from my dating life. I ran into a couple of guys who told stories that started with some variation on “Yeah, I don’t see my kids because my ex won’t let me…” The date or conversation ended for me right there. As a mother, and as a child who grew up without a fully present father–I simply couldn’t get involved with a guy who didn’t see or support his kids. I couldn’t spend time with someone knowing that they didn’t spend as much time as they could with their kids. I couldn’t let someone buy me dinner knowing that he wasn’t feeding or clothing his own kids. And I certainly wasn’t going to bring someone around my kids who wasn’t spending time with his own. I couldn’t imagine having kids with someone who, having already had kids, hadn’t proven themselves to be a committed father. I wanted a guy who loved his kids more than anything, who would move heaven and earth to see them; I could understand if he was a noncustodial parent, but not seeing his kids at all, and he’s not all that broken up about it? I couldn’t live with that.
For me, it’s a question of character. My fiance and I joke that we fell in love with each other first as parents…we admired what we saw in each other as parents (based on our conversations, because we didn’t introduce our kids into our situation until after a year of dating). How we interacted with and cared for our children spoke volumes to each of us about the other’s character and our future prospects.
So, as I said, I don’t know what the applicable laws are given that Michelle is in Canada, but if it were me, my standard would have to be that this guy spent every dime he had on lawyers trying to figure it all out and do all he could to protect his kid and make sure she’s well cared for–waiting outside of Daddy’s house at 6 AM is not well cared for. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but nothing in what you wrote suggested that your boyfriend’s primary concern is his child. His primary concerned seemed to be that Michelle not further intrude on his “real life.”
I can’t tell you how to feel, C+C. But my advice is to listen to that part of you that wants your boyfriend to be a father to this child. Maybe your encouragement can make a difference.
Finally, know that in your “sperm donor” scenario, the little girl who would grow up to “decide for herself” will have grown up essentially without a father, likely confused, burdened by feelings of rejection, knowing that her very existence has been shrouded in regret, secrecy, shame, and conflict. That’s not fair to her, nor is that really who you (or your boyfriend) want showing up your door at 18. The situation doesn’t have to be a negative, if your boyfriend steps up now and becomes the father this little girl deserves. Michelle notwithstanding, he’ll never know what’s possible with his daughter he doesn’t give it all he’s got.
Best,
~Deesha
Deesha,
First off, thank you. Sincerely, thank you. Thank you for listening and truly dedicating the time and thought required for such a sensitive, personal take on things.
I guess I recognized the argument before: “what do his actions say about him?” and wouldn’t i want my boyfriend to truly want to parent his child… But, for some reason, I guess those questions never sunk in; I felt I “knew” my boyfriend and knew, deep down, he’s a loving person and that his actions toward his daughter had no bearing on who he “really” is.
But, you know – you’re right. I guess framing it as a foreshadowing about what kind of parent he would be to our kids is powerful. He has been lucky to find small success at his own business, so he has gotten to carve out a life that suits his needs and seems very reluctant tweaking that. It’s not that he’s selfish; maybe just self-centered. Before I mentally and emotionally commit to the idea of him as being the future father of MY children, this systemic problem about his inflexibility and need to keep challenges from intruding on his “life” must change. And your response underscored that.
Lastly, you’re right. Nothing melts my heart more than a man loving his kids – it gets me in movies or just on the sidewalk whenever I see a father and child. I guess his ambivalence has made me feel more threatened by his daughter’s presence than wanting to encourage a closer bond. But, you’re right: that side of a man is much more attractive than cowardice or sticking his head in the sand.
It will be difficult to get him into counseling and I feel he is adamant about not seeking a legal contract. In his defense, the child is well cared for- Michelle has a large family with doting parents whom she lives with and, if anything, my boyfriend struggles with the mother wanting to “provide” expensive things for her like iPods or Wii video systems. They seem to be able to work out what she needs and what’s appropriate for him to pay for. A loving father, though, is something that is free and priceless.
Again, thanks for your advice – you have helped open my eyes and my heart, I guess, toward the situation. And you’re right: much better idea to get their triangle working before introducing me into the mix.
Many thanks!!!!!
]
C+C [I like that!
You’re welcome, C+C! Btw, do you write professionally? I ask because you are quite eloquent!
Best to you,
~Deesha
Hi Deesha!
Not only have you helped my relationship dilemma, but you even unknowingly gave me a much-needed compliment. And the timing couldn’t have been better.
I’m a teacher by day, but secretly dream of writing… I came home last night and was all bummed about the career thing – but then I read your post!
Double thanks is owed to you.
C+C
Glad I could help, C+C!~Deesha
Hi my name is Angela and I am looking for some advice because I don’t know what I should do about this situation. I have been with this guy for a little over a year now and we are in love and very happy together. The only issue we always get into it about is his 4 year old daughter and his baby mama. He was with this girl for 6 years total and they have a 4 year old girl together. I know he does not want to be with her and he says he doesn’t care about her feelings but he is always lying to her about what he is doing and who he’s with when he is with me. I don’t like this plus she doesn’t want me to be around their daughter.
When we first started dating I met his daughter and we would hang out all the time since he used to watch her mon-fri all day while the mom was at work. He now sees his kid Tues and Thurs and on the weekends. Now that the mother knows I am with him she is very jelous and she is not over him so she won’t let me be around the daughter at all. My boyfriend takes my car alot and she thinks it is his friends car since he has been taking it to her house since day one, so he hides all my stuff when ever he meets up with her. What is really bugging me is the fact that he does things with his daughter and baby mama together. They go to the beach, get ice cream, go to his family parties etc. I dont like this and when I have asked him not to do that for me he tells me it makes his daughter happy when the two if them are with her and I have no say in anything. We almost broke up a week ago because of this and he said he would try to make things better on that part but nothing has changed. He doesn’t say anything to the baby mama that would get her upset like telling her he is with me because he says she gets in a bad mood and then takes it out on his daughter so he tries to avoid it because he dosn’t want his daughter to hear them argue or her being in a bad mood as the result of him telling her he is spending time with me. I know he has a big heart and wants nothing but the best for his little girl but this is tearing me apart and that is the only issue we argue about and I feel I cannot be ok about the situation unless something changes. He tells me everything will come to the light in time and that he wants to get a house with me and have our own family someday. I don’t see how this can happen when she is so jeoulos and she will do anything to break us up. There is so much more to this situation but what is really bothering me is that he has to be around his daughter and the mother at the same time when i cant even see his kid at all and she goes to his family functions like Thanksgiving and Christmas because of the daughter and the fact that she really has no family and she is real close to his family even though they all know she is crazy. Should I end it or wait it out till things get better? HELP!
Hi, Angela,
We’ve asked our kids’ stepmom, Sherry, to reply to your question. Look for a response soon!
Thanks for stopping by,
~Deesha
Hi, Angela,
Sherry hasn’t had a chance to reply yet, so I’ll jump in. My answer to your “stay or go” question comes down to the issue of progress. Is your boyfriend offering you specifics as to *when* he plans to be open about his relationship with his ex, and *when* he’s planning on including you in family gatherings and outings? Because his wanting a house and a family with you can’t happen until those changes take place. I wouldn’t stick around for generalities when specifics are warranted.
In other words, don’t settle for his empty promises of a future together. Let him know that you deserve for those promises to have substance–i.e., a specific plan or timeline for the progression of your relationship, a big part of which is being honest with his child’s mother about you and insisting that she be a grown-up and learn to deal with the reality of your relationship, without penalizing their innocent child in the process.
Best to you,
~Deesha
Hello! I have a situation that I could use a little advice on
I have been with my boyfriend since May of 2008 and we have had a long distance relationship. (6 hours away)..I see him maybe once a month (if that) and we talk almost every day on the phone. We have both been through alot of things in our past and when we first got together, we would always talk about how happy we were with eachother. I found out a month after we were dating that he had a son that was only a few months old. The baby’s mother, child and him all live in the same city. At first I was kind of skeptical because I have never been serious with a man that had a child. After dating for a few months I decided to drive and see him without knowing that it was his weekend to have his son. We never really discussed his visitation with his child before. I had no problem when I found out, but I am 25 and I have no kids and no real experience with children. When we got back to the house, I felt very awkward because I knew this was another woman’s child. I then thought that was very selfish of me and decided to talk more about his son and ask more questions. He just seems like he is not as “willing” to talk to me about his son and it kind of irritates me because I am trying to be open about the whole situation and he acts like it’s none of my business. When I was there the first time I met his child, the mother kept calling him every 5 minutes to ask what “her child” was doing..I didn’t say anything to him about it when I was there but a few days later I ended up asking him why she kept calling him. He said he “didn’t know”…She just kept calling and asking him questions, and he kept hanging up on her..So, I asked him if she knew that I was coming to visit and he said “Yes, everyone knew.” So from that point, I knew that’s the reason she kept calling. He claims that he will never get back with her and that he is only communicating with her because of his son, which I commend and am fine with. However, after dating over a year I’m ready for a change. The long distance is becoming harder and harder and I have decided that in order for him to continue to stay in his child’s life, I’d have to make the move because of the fact that I have no ties right now. I just finished school, so i’m looking for work where he lives, while working here and saving money for the big move. He claimed in the beginning that he couldn’t wait till we could be closer and etc etc..Now that i’m willing to take this big step and move out there, he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I understand that I should move out there and get on my feet on my own because I shouldn’t rely on our relationship or a man, especially if it’s rocky already. I plan on moving out there, getting on my feet and getting my own place. We will continue to date, but not move in right away. He doesn’t seem excited anymore but says he isn’t against me moving there. I’m so confused. I don’t know whether I should leave my hometown for a man that seems to not really want the same things I do. He also tends to keep alot of things from me. When we have our monthly weekends together, he usually keeps his phone on silent and he gets alot of text messages, but never mentions who they are from and I don’t ask. I don’t expect him to tell me EVERYTHING that happens during his day, but I think that him going to the doctor’s appointment with his child and the mother is a pretty big plan for the day. He also told me in the beginning that he didn’t think she was over him, but it didn’t matter because he was done with her and would never give her another chance. He never talks about his past, and that’s where we differ. I believe the past made me who I am today, and don’t have a problem talking about it, but he believes the past is the past and he only aims for the future.
Sorry this seemed all over the place, I was just typing things as they came to my mind. Lol.
I would love any advice anyone has. My main questions are: Should I make the big move, even though he doesn’t seem too excited about it, or is it too early? Does it seem like i’m just too jealous or do I have a right to be? Am I overreacting?
I really want this to work, I love him very much but I am just confused
Thanks!
I also forgot to add the fact that she has another child from another man (not my boyfriend). My boyfriend apparently also takes this child back to his apartments to swim and she sends him pictures to his phone of her and her other son. I asked him about the father of the other son and he just said that he had nothing to do with the child. Is it wrong for me to be okay with him having a relationship with his child, but not the other child? I understand that those 2 children are brothers and they play together, but is it okay for him to always take care of her other child when he has his child?
Hi
First, I’d just like to say, that I am ever so grateful to stumble on this site/forum – it’s really hard for me to put my write what I need advice on because I figure after reading all the previous post by other women are in the same situation as me – I can get answers. But like all of them, we have individual concerns so here goes another.
I moved in with my boyfriend almost a year ago. We work at the same place, (this is how we met). His ex hates me because he left her to be with me. They have a daughter together (2 year old).
He said he and her have had problems long before him and I met and that it wasn’t going to work out. He is very, very much in love with is baby girl and I completely understand his time spent w/his daughter. He sees her on the weekends and a few times during the week . Lately or in the past rather, he would spend one day and end up spending the night and not telling me after the fact. We have been through arguments over that and he said his ex made him feel guilty giving him the ” you abandoned your family” routine and so he stays. I feel very uncomfortable with the matter, and me being w/out any children am unsure if I should just keep quiet and accept it or not–however it makes feel queasy because it’s two things. He spends time w/the child only at her house and he isn’t allowed to bring her over. I’m not asking or telling him about having to meet his daughter this early on. But him spending time there and a couple nights makes me upset. He tells me he doesn’t like it either and if the tables were turned he wouldn’t have it. So I don’t know if he’s borderline controlling and possesive or it’s just the macho man in him.
The ex on occasion still gives him ultimatums, calls/texts/emails him everyday and on occasion I see what she says to him and she shows a lot of emotions and affection. She knows that he has moved on w/his life and shares a relationship with me but she still acts as if they are together and I’m getting the feeling she is using their child -she would call any time of the day/night about anything -I don’t mind if she does if it’s the baby’s sake, but this past weekend she texted him saying, something fell on the roof and she wasn’t sure if she should be worried and the dog keeps barking. Of course my BF is going to be concerned.
Little things she will call him for and it really bothers me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m putting in too much and I’m scared about how things will be in the future because he tells me wants to marry me and eventually we too will have a family, however, I feel that he is still affectionate w/his ex and it kills me.
Why are men commonly doing this – ?
Now at this moment ,the ex is planning a vacation and I know this means he will be gone. I have tried numerous times to ask him that he tell me things ahead of time, but he said it’s awkward that he doesn’t want me to be upset, yet I get even more upset when he doesn’t tell me his plans w/his ex and the child. Is it my right to know?
Please help.
I also wanted to add one more thing- there were times where my bf’s ex would tell him that she wants to be happy and move and and maybe meet someone else and to let her go. I don’t know what that means so I asked him if he is not letting his ex date. He said he is OK with it, so long as the guy is never brought to the house because of everything going on, “child molestation, abuse” he fears for child pedophiles especially since he has a baby girl and not a boy. I completely understand this but I feel it is very selfish of him as he is basically not allowing the ex (mother of his child) move on to be happy. So I’m not sure what they talk about when they are together, but I’m getting the notion she still feels there is hope. I’m so lost.
Thanks again!
Sher Ann,
My immediate reaction is that these two people aren’t completely done with each other! Way too much “controlling” and “affectionate” behavior, as you say, on both sides, it seems. I think you have a right to know about the boundaries–or lack thereof–that he’s setting with his ex, when they are local, as well as on vacation. And yes, I agree with you that what’s happening now could well be a precursor to what a future with this man may look like, if he’s not giving you any indication that he’s willing to set clearer boundaries with his ex…and insist that she maintain them.
Maybe part of the reason he doesn’t set boundaries for her is that he doesn’t want her to set boundaries for him? I understand his concerns about abuse/molestation (though he is sadly mistaken if he thinks men don’t abuse little boys), but his expecting her to *never* bring a guy around his daughter is outrageous.
My advice to you is to step back and let these two people decide if they are really ready to move on with their lives–separately, connected only with regard to the best interests of their daughter, not their lingering feelings and control issues.
As for why men do this? (And you can also ask why the children’s mothers in these situations behave the way they do.) The answer is simple: Because they can. They can do it right up until the point where the new girlfriend says, “I deserve a healthy, open, respectful relationship, and I won’t settle for less.”
Best to you,
~Deesha
Hi, Mary,
I’ll respond to your second part first. I would say that if your boyfriend wants to include his child’s half-brother in their visits, it’s a win-win for everyone. Sounds like either your boyfriend established a relationship with the child previously, or he wants to be a father-figure in his life, or both. What about this bothers you, specifically? I could see that it’s yet another connection to his ex, and given the state of things, I can understand why you would be a bit uneasy about it.
You wrote: I would love any advice anyone has. My main questions are: Should I make the big move, even though he doesn’t seem too excited about it, or is it too early? Does it seem like i’m just too jealous or do I have a right to be? Am I overreacting?
I would suggest asking yourself this question: If you boyfriend didn’t live in this city, would you still move there? Let that be your answer. Beyond that, he’s showing quite a few of what I would consider red flags (e.g., lack of openness, unwillingness to discuss his past), plus his not being excited about you coming speaks volumes. Relocating is a big step, and whether you say it’s *for him* or not, it is an indication of your commitment to the relationship. If he’s not enthusiastic about this, then I would question his commitment.
Best to you,
~Deesha
my boyfriend has 2 daughters 8 and 4 we been dating for 3 months now and i have not met the girls nor his parents. I feel as if i dont mean much to him i tried talking to him about the girls and he tells me to leave that subject alone and if it bothers me that much to let him go. i feel bad for myself because i love him and he doesnt seem to care. he sleeps over my house wakes up early saturday and tells me im going aple picking with the girls and i have 3 boys so its like me and the boys dont exist. i dont feel this is fair.
Hi, Brunilda,
I can certainly understand why your boyfriend’s abrupt response and ultimatum (leave the subject alone or let him go) would leave you feeling like you don’t mean much to him. While a parent may understandably feel that 3 months of dating isn’t enough time to introduce kids, if he’s unwilling to communicate with you at all about this, it sounds, unfortunately, like you’ve hit a dead end.
Best to you,
~Deesha,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years…he has a little girl and was with his ex for about 4 years then they split-up about 6 months before we started talking. Yet she still blames me for they’re brake-up. She sent a message to me saying that she will make my life and his hell as long as we are together. She won’t allow me to be anywhere around the little girl and he has to go to her house to see the child. They have not been to court. He recently lost his job so is not able to pay as much child support. He worries all the time about her taking him to court and/or taking his daughter away. He is even hideing our relatinship from her. Still I know that she knows because she still does little things on myspace to try and make me think he is still seeing her behind my back.
She has a new boyfriend and thats fine but she won’t leave us be. We lived together for a while untill he became unemployed. So now we only see eachother about once a week. He says that she will only cause more problems if she knows about us. We all live in a very small town.
He tells me that it will get better when he is on his feet again and when his daughter is older. I love him very much but I do not want to live the rest of my life this way. Please help…
Also it bothers me that I don’t know what they’re relationship is like when I am not around (and I am never around). He gets upset when I ask him about too many things he says that I am assumeing and attacking him for nothing. I guess it’s because It shows my lack of trust or is he hideing something? I don’t know.
When he told me she had a new boyfriend he didn’t sound happy. So I asked him why if maybe he didn’t like the guy and he said that he hasn’t even met him yet
” as long as he keeps his hands off my daughter”. I would think he might be happy that she is moving on…or is he jealous?
She brought they’re little girl on vacation this summer and he sounded down when he told me about the plans so I asked him why and he said it was because “mommy always gets to play the good guy”. I though maybe it could be beacuse he wanted to be with them….I don’t know I am so confused… Is it just me? I mean I know he loves me and spends every weekend with me yet I feel helpless in this situation. Am I worring for nothing?
Hi, Yetta,
I think the hard but honest answer is to either let your boyfriend go, or accept the terms that he’s offering: a relationship that is kept hidden, in which you have more questions than answers.
Your boyfriend’s ex really does hold all the cards at this time. She’s calling the shots and controlling his access to their child via the threat of taking him for child support. Because of this threat, he’s reluctant to take her to court to formalize a custody/visitation schedule. As a result, he’s at her mercy in order to see his child, and consequently, you’re at her mercy to some degree as well.
Child support and custody are related issues, but child support isn’t some “admission price” for seeing one’s child. There’s how the court views the situation, and then there’s how your boyfriend’s ex views it: She will pull the child support “trigger” if your boyfriend does something she doesn’t like or makes any demands. I can understand your frustration, being in this situation, but until your boyfriend is able to assert himself as an equal parenting partner, which includes financial responsibility, it’s doubtful that the situation will change.
Also it bothers me that I don’t know what they’re relationship is like when I am not around (and I am never around). He gets upset when I ask him about too many things he says that I am assumeing and attacking him for nothing. I guess it’s because It shows my lack of trust or is he hideing something? I don’t know.
It could be either, or both. It’s understandable that you are finding it hard to trust him when you’re largely in the dark, you’re dating in secret, and his ex is working to undermine your trust and sense of security about the relationship. What would be fair to you and foundational to a strong relationship would be for him to offer you some reassurance and to be more responsive to your questions and concerns.
I would think he might be happy that she is moving on…or is he jealous?
Again, it could be both. He could have mixed feelings. It’s one thing to break up with someone; it’s another to get used to the idea of them being with someone else. This can even be true of the person who initiated the break up. Further, his concern about his daughter’s well-being is certainly valid, but beyond that, it may also be hard for him to accept another man having as much if not more contact with his daughter than he does.
She brought they’re little girl on vacation this summer and he sounded down when he told me about the plans so I asked him why and he said it was because “mommy always gets to play the good guy”. I though maybe it could be beacuse he wanted to be with them….
Maybe he did. Regardless, he needs to stop complaining about Mommy “playing the good guy” when, at the moment, Mommy is the only parent that is financially supporting this child. Not to bash him for being unemployed, but why not be happy that his child got to go on vacation? Many kids don’t. Maybe I’m reading too much into his comment, but his frustration seems to be misdirected at his ex and not where it belongs: at his own situation which keeps him from supporting his child financially.
I don’t know I am so confused… Is it just me? I mean I know he loves me and spends every weekend with me yet I feel helpless in this situation. Am I worring for nothing?
Love is not enough. You also deserve honesty and respect. Listen to your gut. Ultimately, I wouldn’t advise being in a relationship that is hidden and in which others who are not acting in your best interest wield so much influence–while you wield little or none. You deserve an equal partnership. Don’t settle for less.
Best,
~Deesha
thank you so very much for the advice….I am thinking about giving it about another year and then if things haven’t changed I do plan to move on.
I wish you the best, Yetta. Take care of yourself.
~Deesha
Hi. I have no idea where to start as so much has happened but i will try and start from the very beginning. I have been with my boyfriend now for just over a year. He has a little boy who is nearly 5years. he was with his ex for about 4 years (she got pregnant after 3 weeks, he didn’t really want to be with her as didn’t know her but thought he’d do the ‘right’ thing and try to make it work for the sake of his child).
Well it never worked, he tried to leave her several times but always ended up going back. Last July, he decided to leave her properly as he couldnt take the arguments anymore, we became really close friends as I had just split up with my boyfriend and then started seeing eachother a few months later. It became really serious pretty quickly, we were already talking about a future together.
He was still living in the family home until November 08 then moved into a smaller house nearby. They still had a couple of holidays planned together as a family which happened while we were already seeing eachother early this year. I wasnt overly keen on the idea but he said he just wanted to make the most of the time with his child, which i understood. A few weeks after, I found out he slept with her while they were on holiday – looking back i think i was being very naive. At this point I walked away, went to another country on a work visa and then came back after a few weeks. I was still in contact with him while I was away and he kept begging me he wanted to make it work when i got back, to give him another chance.
I was deeply hurt but as I truly do love him, I decided to give him another chance. By this point we had been seeing eachother nearly a year, but he still refused to tell his ex about us. He said it’s still raw and to be honest, he even admitted that he is scared of her. I have met her once a couple of years ago and she is a very intimidating woman. very manipulative and controlling. I think she suspected already that we were seeing eachother due to certain circumstances but my boyfriend never admitted we were seeing eachother as she kept threatening he would never see his child, he would ruin his life if he started seeing me, just threat after threat – again a controlling thing I think.
Recently, we had an honest conversation and again I found out that he slept with his ex while I was ‘away’ a few months ago. Yes we weren’t officially together but it still hurt me again. I should’ve walked away, but I just love him so much and i just think he is in a bad place at the minute. he is in councelling as he is struggling being away form his child. he said that because he never really loved his ex, all his love and attention went to his child so is finding it hard to let go. He was also abused as a child which i think has affected him and also he is now leaving the company he works for to start afresh. I understand he has a lot on his plate.
So instead of walking away, I gave him an ultimatum that if he didnt tell his ex about us then im gone, i couldnt stand all the lies and the hiding anymore, nobody deserves that. So he told her. But as expected, things got worse instead of better. She knew i worked with him so she tried calling at work and sending me threatening emails, that i will never see his son, that she will make our life hell etc etc.
What I find really frustrating is that he is still paying for everything for her. They own 2 houses jointly and he has paid for everything and is still continuing to pay all the bills and mortgage. he is struggling at the moment specially as he is leaving the company yet she is doing nothing to contribute. Plus she has been making his life a living hell. And everytime he sends her a lawyers letter about splitting, she then starts threatening him again about not seeing his child. Its awful. She rings up in the middle of the day and puts the child straight onto the phone crying his eyes out, emotional blackmail I see it as, and then he calms the his son down and says he’ll come round to see him and then she says no he cant. Its so frustrating.
I really have no idea what I am hoping for at the moment or what advice I am looking for. It is just all a mess. I really would like to settle down with this guy, i truly do love him and have been here for him through the storms in the last year. I do believe he loves me but somehow he is just struggling with it all. recently I have seen that he has been really trying to make things work with me but with everything else going on, he cant give me anything. We can move in together ( he says he’s not ready yet), he wont introduce me to his son, i see him every other weekend when he doesnt see his son and maybe 1 or 2 nights in the week. I have been patient and trying to be understanding, but when do i know enough is enough. I am torn between walking away and waiting a little longer – but struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I have been trying to climb a very high mountain for a long time yet never seem to be getting any closer to the top.
Can she really stop me from seeing his son? What could she possibly do to ruin us? Is there really no hope for us to be a family one day?
I forgot to mention that his ex also has another child from a previous marriage that she expects my boyfriend to take responsibility for – which again he is finding it very difficult. He sees him once a week and a few other time during the year. I just feel so sorry for the kids to be in this situation but also helpless as there is not much i can do as it is between them and not me. The ex is constantly using them as pawns and it is disgraceful. She has even told the kids that I have stolen their daddy away form them! How evil. She seems to think that I am the reason why her ex is not going back to her, not the fact that they never got on and that she treated him like s**t.
All the stress and frustration is getting to me and I have no idea where to turn or what to do.
Please help.
Personally, I feel that my boyfriend is dealing with his babymother too much. She calls him in the middle of the night just to talk about her day and he does the same thing and I think that something is really wrong wit that. I don’t mind him taking care of his kids or at least interacting with her but I feel like there is no reason for you to be on the phne with her at 1 in the morning. What are you talking about that is so important it can’t wait until a decent hour and the worst part is when I say something he doesnt care and he doesnt see anything wrong with it. I also have a child by another man and we are really good friends and I feel like it would be disrespectful if he called me at all hours of the night or when my daughter is sleep especially now that I am in a relationship and I wouldn’t do it to him. And besides that at the beginning of our relationship he slept with his babymother and lied to me about it and she writes him letters all the time telling him she still wants him. So i need to know what should I do.
Hi, Alysha,
What a heavy situation. Your stress and frustration is understandable–as is your reluctance to walk away from someone you love. However, as is often the case, love is not enough. It’s not enough to make this man the whole, equal partner you deserve.
There seems to be a lot for your boyfriend to work out before he can have a healthy relationship with you, or with anyone. There’s the past abuse, the current emotional turmoil in which his child is subjected to, and the fact that he is actually afraid of his ex. I believe it’s in your best interest to wish this man well and strongly urge him to seek help–for himself and his child. Walking away won’t be easy, but from the outside looking in, it appears to be the healthiest, safest option for you.
As to your specific questions: Can she really stop me from seeing his son? What could she possibly do to ruin us? Is there really no hope for us to be a family one day?
I’m unfamiliar with the legal processes in the UK, so I can’t comment on what his ex can do legally. However, given the hold she has on your boyfriend, I can imagine that he would cave in to her demands, if only to keep the child from being subjected to more of Mom’s antics. It may not be in the child’s best interest for you to see him, if it’s going to come at such a high emotional cost because Mom’s behavior goes unchecked, by the courts and by Dad.
As for ruining you, not to be flippant, but who knows what she means by this? She could have something to hold over your boyfriend’s head and blackmail him. She could fabricate stories. She could get cutthroat in the divorce proceedings and get a huge settlement…and/or draw out the legal battle, which would drown your boyfriend in legal fees. The court may order him to pay her legal fees. The possibilities are endless as long as there’s no one to check her, or call her bluff.
Finally, I hate to ever consider a situation hopeless, but I have to say, there’s little I find encouraging about your situation. You could always leave the door open to your boyfriend to try again with you once he and his child are in a better place.
Best to you,
~Deesha
Hey, Keyshawn,
There’s a level of connection between your boyfriend and his ex that, understandably, makes you feel uncomfortable and disrespected. I don’t believe anyone should stay in a relationship in which they are routinely disrespected. If your boyfriend won’t address the situation in a way that shows you the same courtesy that you’ve shown him, then I’d say it’s time to move on.
Best,
~Deesha
My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year now and together for a year and a half. The mom has known about me since I met the kids. Every time the kids would come down I would hang out when I could but then go to my moms house to stay the night. (before he asked me to move in). One night his daughter asked me to sleep with her and at the time they were still sleeping in the same bed with their dad. We all agreed that I could and i slept on one side of the bed and my boyfriend on the other side. This went on even after he asked me to move in with him.
ONE night the kids (he has 2) didnt want to sleep next to each other because of touching issues. so the boy moved to the outside of the bed. Well the little girl said she didnt want to sleep next to her dad because she thought he would pass gas on her. (we all were laughing at this) he said he wouldnt but she still insisted that she move so she moved on the outside of the bed as well. That left my boyfriend and I in the middle. We waited until the kids were asleep to move them so we could sleep on the ends of the bed so they wouldnt fall off or whatever. no harm.
a couple weeks later he gets a call from his ex saying that the boy told his therapist that he pretended to be asleep and we were moving around. well yeah we were moving around to move the kids.
months pass by and because we care about the kids and their feelings whenever they come to visit i sleep in a different room and the little girl usually sleeps with me. (we did not have this room before, he had a roomate and when the roomate left it took a while for us to get a bed in there etc)
anyways the mother is sueing him and i cant remember exactly what it says but she wants to put in the decree some rules about overnight guests and what may happen when they stay with their father because she wants to prevent them from being around sexual acts. (she thinks we had sex with the kids right there). He will not sign off to let them move 13 hours away and i beleive she is sueing him over this in retaliation. If there is no real proof besides the boy saying we were moving around can the court rule that i not stay over there when the kids visit?
Also could he counter sue on the grounds that she is in violation of the divorce decree because she is bad mouthing the father in front of the kids and me??
She is hurting the relationship between him and his kids. She is nice to my face but I know she is jealous about me getting close to the kids.
Hi, Britney,
Your situation is one with a lot of issues that co-parents and those who are dating co-parents can relate to, so I posted my response here:
http://coparenting101.org/2009/11/06/co-parents-co-sleeping-and-visitation/
Best,
~Deesha
I was so happy to have found this forum (breathing sigh of relief)!
I, too, am in a “situation”. Boyfriend of 2 years with 2 kids (10 and 7). They share legal custody, but the ex (they were never married) has residential custody and gets support from him. They agreed to visitation every other weekend, with the option for him to have them more if he wants to. Mind you, he always wants to – regardless of the fact that he and I have no alone time together.
Side story: they had not been getting along when we met and he left her to be with me – so needless to say, she & I have never met and may not ever. She was abusive to him before he left the house [which was his - he now lets her live there rent-free], and so we moved in together. I felt it was a little rushed, but didn’t want him to have to deal with that nonsense, having grown up in similar situations myself. We got along really great the first year of our relationship – though looking back, if I was a pessimist, it was because he was just ‘reeling me in’ – but let’s say not – that he really loves me as much as he did then, shall we? =)
Due to support and other bills, we share my car [I've owned it outright for quite a few years, he does not pay insurance or reg], I pay all the housing costs and utilities. He pays for foodstuffs when he can esp when the kids come over. However, he is not necessarily as economically challenged as he might let off and while I know this is perhaps not my business, it is somewhat disturbing to me that I do as much as I do without input from him when he’s admitted to substantial ‘savings’.
The ex now constantly complains he has to take the kids all weekends because she “can’t afford” to take care of them or get a babysitter. Her housing costs are zero AND she has her own job, so not sure I understand that argument.
She has recently begun to put more and more pressure on him to “do” more, which frankly, is just taking on some of HER responsibility (for example, she is required to drop the kids off for the weekend – she has been doing that, but doesn’t feed them, only packs some clothing ,so that he’ll have to buy them some, and most recently has started to say she is no longer dropping them off – he has to drive an hour to go get them – in my car, btw.)
She is also the master of the “dumping” technique, which I noticed others on this form have described – last minute notifications that he has to go get the kids on a day she was supposed to get them because she has something else to do (work, social,whatever). So he feels guilted into it because if he doesn’t, they will be left “sitting there”. This often puts a crimp in any plans I or we have due to the last minute nature of the request and use of the car. But I don’t disallow it because I don’t want the children to suffer for either parent’s irresponsibility – it’s not their fault.
Before the split, he was their primary caretaker, so he is terribly attached to them. I understand this and have conceded that he lets them come over more often than the ‘every other weekend’ agreement (which, btw, causes another frustrating sitation – no time alone to the two of us = lack of relationship building/intimacy – this is very difficult for me as I also entered the relationship with no children). I didn’t want to give up EVERY weekend to this, esp since he told me HE didn’t want visitation every weekend either. So I’m at a loss…He doesn’t ever volunteer to “let’s do something together just me and you”. And when I mention it, I’m being a pain and “making him choose.” Lately, I feel like I am not at all a priority – I am just “useful”.
However, I also believe that HER problems are not HIS (or my) problems. He is the only one who can stand up to her and if he does not stand up to her, she will, as she has in the past, take total advantage of him – and he will allow it to happen because he thinks it’s about the kids (whereas for her, it’s not – it’s about the money and punishing him and me).
It is a very frustrating situation. We do love eachother but, as you can tell, this puts some measurable strain on our relationship.
What is also frustrating is that my friends see it 2 different ways – my single friends say, if you aren’t happy and he’s not making the effort, you should move on. While my single mom friend says, he’s doing the best he can, he loves you, it’s just hard for him to find the balance and the kids come first. But shouldn’t I be at least an equal priority sometimes?
Also, I want to mention that the kids have turned pretty bratty since the 2 of them split. When they visit, he gives them few boundaries (and they waver depending on the day and how tired he is) and rules, which doesn’t help. I try to encourage boundaries and time alone for us by asking him to consider giving them a bedtime on the weeknds. But I practically have to beg for this. Otherwise, they all just stay up and sleep in the LR all weekend.
I do feel resentful and frustrated because when I reach a breaking point and try to talk to him (including fashioning a “schedule” to deal with the constant unpredictability and the fact that we never have time together), he understands, and says he’s going to do better, but still chooses to suck up and succumb to her demands or doesn’t make the effort with me. (Though he claims he has not given in to her on some occasions…?) In a small way, in my heart, this tells me he is choosing her over me. In another way, I know this is his way of ‘dealing’ – by avoiding confrontation by doing what she wants, he doesn’t have to deal with the struggle (she is a b—h on wheels).
But so does that mean he isn’t afraid of confrontation or conflict wtih me? Or he just figures I’ll “understand” because I have for the past year? I don’t know. I am feeling like I’m just “convenient”.
I know we do care about each other a lot and I have tried very hard – the situation with the ex was very stressful and I’ve never had kids in my life, so that was a huge adjustment for me, (which I get no credit for) but the kids and I get along pretty well (I think they think I’m cool and I treat their dad nicely – they like to see him happy after all, which is a big change from when he was living with them). But this is kind of a stickign point – that and the fact that he doesn’t seem to think that intimacy is important – that ‘seeing me during the weekdays’ and ‘showing up’ is enough. (Lack of intimacy is compounded by the fact that he falls asleep in front of the TV in the LR every night, not in our bedroom…so little intimacy there. Plus no intimacy on wkends with the kids there. so…?)
I just know that if you don’t build some base of a relationship, or you dont feel like you’re at least an equal priority at some point, it will lead to ongoing resentment and being taken for granted.
Maybe if I was more of a b—h I’d get what I want..HA..but that is not my nature – I am terribly empathetic (a blessing & a curse) and compassionate and loyal. But I also dont want to be taken for a fool.
I have started noticing that I am more critical and less tolerant – more snippy and less jovial – both when we’re “alone” and together with his kids. I feel guilty because I’m afraid that I’m just being a brat. But on the other hand, I cook, clean up after everybody (constantly – I can’t keep up at times), work, pay the bills AND deal with the invasion of privacy and the pendulum doesn’t seem to swing the other way. So I’m stuck.
I care about him, yes. But I care about US and ME too. I want to DO things together and grow together. If I stay I know I have to come up with a way to deal with all of this. But it’d sure be nice if I didn’t have to “deal” – that I knew I had some help, support, validation, love.
What to do, what to do?
Thanks for listening – sorry for the rant!
Hi, Nanner,
Ranting is welcome here!
There’s not much advice that I can give you that you haven’t already given yourself. I see what you see with regard to your boyfriend and this situation. And I agree with both sets of your friends–don’t stew in silence and don’t be a doormat (esp. not one that pays for the privilege), but also affirm to your boyfriend explicitly that you recognize that his kids are a priority. Follow that with an invitation for the two of you to go out for the evening; set a regular weekly or every-other-week date-night. Get a sitter if you have the kids. Create a space/time for you two to re-connect and establish how you want to move forward in your relationship–with you in a role other than rent-payer and chief cook and bottle-washer.
Now, if he’s not willing to meet you there by giving some time and attention to your relationship and your concerns, then I’d have to side completely with your single non-mom friends.
Best to you,
~Deesha
Hi Deesha -
Thanks so much for your prompt reply – you have no idea how satisfying it is to get a response so quickly on a matter such as this! I guess I should feel good that I gave myself good advice,eh?
We do sometimes go out during the weekdays for dinner after work, but it’s never really as “relaxed” and romantic ‘date night’ as I would like it to be because we’re so wrapped up from work and “doing” stuff. Which is why I kind of tried to do the “let’s make a deal” thing with the scheduling – I really would like a weekend, just one!, where my house is not overrun with kids, TV noise, computer games, whining, arguing, and general disarray. And, if we’re going to be honest here, while I understand the fun and purpose of a ‘quickie’, it’s not really what I would like to relegate my love life to (and frankly, men are more on/off like than than women are).
I don’t like the idea that he says I make him choose, but in a way he HAS to choose some of the things – esp when dealing with the ex. I mean, he tells her he doesn’t have a car, but when she challenges him and says ‘oh well, not my problem’, he feels guilty about the kids not getting picked up [ because she WILL call such a bluff] and then finagles it with me to take the car. So she knows that all she has to do is threaten and he’ll find a way. Of course, I am torn between “enabling” this to happen and being the bad guy by saying “no”.
There’s this other dynamic too – I think that in a way, and it’s kind of sweet, but – in a way, I think he pictures us as this ‘happy family’. So he tries to get all of us doing stuff together or to get the kids to join in a group hug with me and stuff. Needless to say, at least one of them is apprehensive about this [and tends to do the defensive thing that someone else mentioned - if he gives me a hug, the child breaks in and "needs" something to get him away from me] and I am too. I don’t see them as my children. I know that might sound horrible, given what others on this forum have said about loving their bf’s kids as their own, but even though I like them, I don’t love them like that. I may in time, but it’s tough for all parties right now.
So I think on some level he wants all the conflict to ‘go away’ to the point where he makes it seem like we’re a unit or a nuclear family. So when there’s a time on the weekend that I want to go over to a gf’s house to chat or whatever, sometimes I get the ‘why don’t you want to hang out with us’? Uh, because I need to get out sometimes? Because I am home with you all *every* weekend and I need a life outside of being third wheel and, as you say, rent-payer & chief cook and bottle washer?
In any case, I guess it’s a ‘play it by ear’ thing. But what do you think of the whole $$thing? Am I getting played here? Did he, like so many people say, just say the right things in the beginning just to win me over? I had even heard third hand that his ex said he was with me because he thought I might have a lot of money (which I don’t – some joke there!) – but that could just be the bitterness talking. Still and all, it plants a weird seed, esp given what the current behavior is.
Anyway, thanks again – I’m so glad to talk to soemone about this…and even gladder for the ability to say it “privately”.
I mean, he tells her he doesn’t have a car, but when she challenges him and says ‘oh well, not my problem’, he feels guilty about the kids not getting picked up [ because she WILL call such a bluff] and then finagles it with me to take the car.
And this will continue until he calls her bluff and refuses to pick the kids up when it’s not his weekend. Has he tried telling her, “If you live the kids alone, sure I’ll come pick them up…with the cops”? Now of course, he should consult an attorney on this because, once the cops are involved and the kids have been left alone, who knows what might happen. But perhaps the threat of him showing up with the cops will be enough to get the ex to stick to the schedule.
I don’t see them as my children. I know that might sound horrible, given what others on this forum have said about loving their bf’s kids as their own, but even though I like them, I don’t love them like that. I may in time, but it’s tough for all parties right now.
It’s not horrible at all. It’s honesty, and we do kids no favors by trying to affect feelings we don’t have. In fact, it’s confusing for kids when we put on a “face” that doesn’t match the vibe they get from us. Once again, you are giving yourself great advice. Don’t be afraid to heed it. Politely let your boyfriend know that you’re pressing “pause” on the group hugs. Furthermore, he insults you and his kids by thinking that a forced group hug is what “makes” a family. Mutual respect, balance, honest communication, and shared responsibility, among other things, are what make a family–this is where he should be concentrating his efforts.
But what do you think of the whole $$thing? Am I getting played here? Did he, like so many people say, just say the right things in the beginning just to win me over?
Can’t say for sure, what his initial intentions were, but what is clear–that you are now footing the bills–isn’t at all balanced. I’m old school–a man should want to pull his weight, or at least be moving heaven and earth to get to a place where he can. That you don’t have “a lot of money” is beside the point–what you do have, you’re spending to support him, and it’s more than what he has on his own. Any amount that you are paying and he’s freeloading is “enough” money for him to be taking advantage of you.
Your boyfriend is responsible for himself. He and his ex are responsible for their kids. In different ways, both are failing to support and take proper care of their kids. Your “support” is keeping this dysfunctional operation afloat, and it comes at a tremendous personal cost to you. Listen to that “weird seed”. It has found fertile ground in your intuition and is waving all kinds of red flags. There’s no reason for you to stay in a relationship in which you do all the giving and receive nothing in return.
Best,
~Deesha
Hello,
I’ve been dating a guy for a year and a half and he has a 6 year old son. Before he and I became serious I did bring up in a very careful way his son’s behavior. I understand since he and his ex are not together he does not want to upset or have a bad experience with his son.( he has his son every other week…for the entire week). He is extremly patient and way too passive. We are now living together and I dont have the time or patience to deal with a child that is rude & disrespectful. I’ve been reading parenting books and having open discussions with my boyfriend on ways to discipline his son together. My boyfriend is open to this project but he is still very passive. Not only that but his ex is contstantly leaving his son (on the weeks that she has him )with my boyfriends mother with out talking to him first (over night & afterschool). I don’t understand how that is acceptable.My boyfriends mom watches his son after school on the weeks that we have him and if he & I need her to watch him a couple of hours longer(which is very rare) she complains that my boyfriend never watches him. I think she gets burned out because the ex drops the son off to her too. Shouldn’t my boyfriends mom be our life line and not the ex’s? Not only that but the ex and my BF still own a home together that they have not been able to sell due to the housing market. She has defaulted twice on the mortgage and of course it affects his credit and if she can’t make a payment he of course has to fork over money. What do I do? I love being with him but it’s all the extras that are driving me away. What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do to get things in order?
Erika,
I can totally see why you are being ‘driven away”, as you say. Discipline and parenting styles are huge issues to consider when dating a co-parent. It’s understandable that you would be none too pleased dealing with a rude and disrespectful child. And while it’s to everyone’s benefit that you have been honest with yourself and your boyfriend about not having the time or patience to deal with an unruly child, the fact remains that you decided to live with this man and this child anyway. Unfortunately, it’s like buying something marked “as-is”.
As for getting things in order at this point, the only person you can truly control is yourself. You are frustrated by Dad’s passivity, and rightfully so. But at the same time, it’s probably not in the child’s best interest to live with someone who isn’t wiling or equipped to deal with his behavior, in the absence of discipline from his father. I’m not saying that you should tolerate the child’s disrespect and rudeness, but instead of sticking around and being frustrated with the child and his dad, everyone might be better served if you all weren’t living together at this time.
If you can rewind, perhaps you and your boyfriend could spend some more time talking candidly about the course you would like your relationship to take, and addressing the parenting issues and the residual issues with his ex. Both of you being clear about your expectations and needs will go a long way in creating a more stable relationship—if it’s meant to be. Some co-parents decide that someone they’re dating, someone they love even, just isn’t a good fit when it comes to their kids. And vice versa: some people dating co-parents may decide that, ultimately, they aren’t ready or willing to deal with someone else’s kids, kids in general, or a child with behavior or other issues. It’s important to be clear about who you are and what you seek in a relationship, especially when there are kids in the mix. It’s also important to be willing to walk away instead of trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
Some resources you may find helpful:
Podcast of our “Step-Dating: Dating with Kids in the Mix” show on “Co-Parenting Matters”
Info about step-dating from our interview with Yvonne Kelly of the Step and Blended Family Institute/
Try to understand that, for your boyfriend to go from passive/permissive parenting to more structure and discipline isn’t something that’s going to change overnight. And it might not change at all if Dad doesn’t take the lead. It would not be at all appropriate for you to lead the discipline “project.” Further, how his child respond will respond to any changes dad does make is a big unknown. Is your boyfriend open to counseling? Parenting classes? Any improvements in this child’s behavior will take time, and his father will need to consider the underlying causes for his misbehavior, including the impact of his parents’ break-up and your presence in his and his father’s life. Even very young children are affected by a parental split, even when the grown-ups presume they’re not old enough to know what’s going on.
It sounds like you also want your boyfriend to deal with his “unfinished business” with his ex and the mortgage, and that’s certainly understandable. But as long as you are living together and your finances are comingled as a result, then you are pretty much at his—and his ex’s—mercy with regard to his credit rating and all that comes with that. Like the discipline issue, this is one of those things where you can only control yourself, and yet you are being impacted by the decisions of others. So in the absence of your boyfriend getting his ex to refinance and get this name off the mortgage, or at least stay current with her payments, you can either stay and deal with the fallout of his ex’s continued delinquencies, or you can, again, remove yourself from the situation.
Finally, with regard to Grandma, I suspect that she doesn’t feel much allegiance to either “side” when it comes to her grandchild needing to be watched. If she says “no” to his mom that has consequences for her grandchild, so of course she’ll say “yes”. That said, if she is burnt out, she probably feels more comfortable venting to her son than to his ex. Also, if she’s old school, she may not be as invested as you are in the 21st-century formal “his week”/”her week” arrangement. In her mind, dad should take his son whenever the child’s mother can’t, period. No use trying to move that mountain.
All the best to you,
~Deesha
I have some concerns regarding my current relationship and the interactions he has with his ex. We have been together for a little over a year and have a 6 month old daughter together. We live together with his two teenage sons and I have a wonderful relationship with the boys. He also has a 9 year old daughter that lives with her mother in another state. He dated this woman for 7 years and had a child with her. Their relationship did not work out because her father did not like him and gave her an ultimatum. She chose her father over the relationship. He has been in another long term relationship since then.
To avoid all of the nitty gritty details, his daughter’s mom has been off and on over the past 9 years. His daughter has been to visit him one time and he has to go to see her. When we first met, she was engaged to someone and pregnant and would not allow my fiance to see their daughter. He attempted to contact her many times with no luck. Right after I gave birth, her mom contacted him and allowed him to talk to his daughter. He set up a visitation to go spend her birthday with her. He was supposed to go up for the day but called and asked if he could spend the night because it was 5 hours away. I agreed but said that it would be the only time he could stay at her house. He would need to get a hotel room from now on and he agreed.
After that visit, his ex became very contacting with him and sent him an email that I deemed slightly inappropriate. She talked about the night he spent there and how she tossed and turned thinking about their intimate moments. She ended the email wanting to be friends and co parent their daughter. He did not tell me about this email but we have an open relationship in terms of access to each others accounts and he asked me to print an email out for him and I came across it then.
Since then, they talk frequently via text and on the phone. He has gone to visit two times since then and his daughter constantly asks for them to get back together. He asked his ex if I could visit with him next weekend and she said no that it would be to stressful for their daughter during the holidays but maybe after Christmas we could arrange something.
The first time he stayed in a hotel while there, he went to the hotel after she fell asleep and got to the house before she woke up so she would not know he did not stay there. This past visit he let her know he was staying in a hotel and she questioned why. He explained that it is not right for Daddy to stay at another girls house because he is in a relationship. She did not understand this. he has admitted that they never really explained to her that mommy and daddy are not together but have told her that daddy works in another state.
I have two main issues – My daughter has a sister that I want her to know. I grew up in a blended family and have wonderful relationships with my brothers. They were around me from day one. My other issue is that his ex has expressed regrets to him about the way their relationship ended and historically she has had him “by the balls” when it comes to their daughter. What should my expectations be for him to set boundaries with her and be respectful of our relationship without jeopardizing seeing his daughter (he went a year without seeing her so I can understand not wanting to rock the boat right now.) I hope this makes sense.
I feel like I may be a little impatient since all of this is new but I have not had to deal with this until now and I feel like he is leaving his family here to go and play family there. He has a daughter who has siblings here that do not know her the way they would like and she is not given the opportunity to know them. She has met her brothers quite a few times but their is no consistency.
Thanks for your guidance.
Hi, Gigi’s Mommy,
As someone who has 4 half-sisters–one that I’m super close to, two that I’m somewhat close to, and one that I don’t know at all–I can totally related to and really admire your desire for your daughter to know her sister. I am thankful that my mother and my close-sister’s mother committed to putting their grown-up issues aside and raising us as sisters, ever since my sister was born 35 years ago. What my family’s experience has taught me is that all the adults have to be on board. If your boyfriend or his ex aren’t committed to keeping the children connected, then it won’t happen.
Does your boyfriend share your desire for his daughters to have a relationship with each other? Perhaps his “fear” of his ex is keeping him from making this happen. Until he manages that co-parenting relationship better, it’s actually not in his daughter’s best interest to be around you and her new sibling. If her mom is contributing to the child’s expectation that her parents will get back together, meeting you and your baby will likely be confusing and upsetting to her. She’s already confused because her parents haven’t been honest with her about their break-up.
If you feel like your boyfriend is “playing family” in two places, that’s a serious problem. Listen to your instincts, and tell your boyfriend how you feel. While I can understand him not wanting to rock the boat and upset his ex, he has to decide if that’s how he wants to continue living. Once he makes a decision, you’ll need to decide what you’re willing to live with as well.
Has your boyfriend formalized his custody and visitation arrangement via a court order? By doing so, this is one way that he can set boundaries and expectations with his ex, not just for the sake of your relationship, but for the sake of his child. The child’s mother should not be allowed to use access to the child as a means of controlling your boyfriend. As far as your expectations, while your boyfriend won’t have the final word on his visitation terms, I believe it’s reasonable for you to expect him to use the resources available to him to make sure he sees his daughter on a regular basis, on terms that are in his child’s best interest, and not by design of her mother’s whims.
Best to you and your family,
~Deesha
Thank You Deesha,
In terms of a court order, he took her to court a few years ago, and after about $10,000, she moved out of state and the case was thrown out because they could not proceed. I truly believe he wants his daughter to know her siblings but he has not put his foot down with her because when she gets ticked off at him she stops contact. This has happened on numerous occasions over the past 9 years and he says it is a cycle she goes through. We talked about it last night and I voiced my concerns about her and asked if she was not letting their daughter come her so that he would go there to spend time with her. He said that it is probably the case. I know that her intentions right now may not be for their daughter but for her to get him back in her life and she is using their daughter as a pawn. I feel like she is trying to act quick because she knows we are getting married and she does not want that to happen. The topic of trust has come up and I assure him that it is not that I don’t trust him, it is that I know that he will do anything to see his daughter and I fear that leading her on or not setting strict boundaries with her is his quick fix to maintain contact with his little girl.
We can not afford to go back to court at this point but I need him to understand that the decisions he makes regarding his ex are having a substantial impact on our relationship and my comfort level with him going 5 hours away to visit for the weekend.
I feel completely left out and do not have any say it what is going on. I understand that I have to be patient but I also believe that because we are getting married, their needs to be expectations set for all parties – including his daughter’s mother – and those boundaries must be respected or they need to be addressed immediately out of respect for all parties involved.
Wow, Gigi’s Mommy…it’s sounds like you’re being very clear and reasonable about your expectations. And it does sound like–in the absence of being able to proceed legally–your boyfriend is doing whatever it takes to see his daughter, at the expense of setting boundaries with his ex. Patience is important, but so is a plan for moving toward a more functional, healthy co-parenting dynamic. I’m not sure what state your boyfriend is in but perhaps he can file a motion and request a parenting coordinator to work with his family? But I know you mentioned that you can’t afford to go back to court, so I’ll reach out to a parenting coordinator we know, Brooke Randolph, and see what advice she may have for you. I can post her reply here, or send it to the email address you’ve provided. Please let me know what you prefer.
In the meantime, here’s an interview we conducted with Brooke about parent coordination:
http://coparenting101.org/2009/06/19/when-co-parents-collide-interview-with-parenting-coordinator-brooke-randolph/
I’ll be in touch,
~Deesha
Thank you so much. You may send it to my email. I really appreciate this.
J
I have recently gotten back with an ex-boyfriend of mine. We dated in 1996 broke up a year later continued to stay in contact (sleep with each other) for years until I got a serious boyfriend in 2002. Even then, we would stay in contact albeit not physically always emotionally. Fast forward to this year my boyfriend of 2002 and I broke up and my ex and I gave it a go again. When we first started dating he was very secretive and illusive. He for example would never let me stay at his house or disappear for hours.. But the excitement of getting back together was nice. I randomly heard something and decided to look him up in the family city clerk records and low and behold he has 2 children that are at least 9 because the mother filed a paternity suit in 2000. Dug deeper found it was true this is back in September. I never mentioned it to him just acted normally. I recently went through his phone saw an inappropriate email to and from his ex and I had to confront him about their relationship. Which in turn reveled my knowledge of the kids. He said yes he said he was relieved that I knew and assured me nothing was going on with the kid’s mother. But he was very coy about the details of the children when I asked how old they were became illusive again and would not tell me. He said he felt bad he has kept this from me for so long. We talked some more and he intially said a relationship is not a real priority because he has so much going on but he wanted to see where we could go from here and try to see if it could work. We haven’t talked about it again and have just acted normally. (but the elephant is in the room it has always been) Now that I have in essence forced him to tell me… I guess my question is how do I proceed? Given our history… I do love him I always have and I know he loves me…but how do I make him feel comfortable sharing this side of him?
Hi, TheEx,
I think you have been very accepting of your boyfriend–his lies and his illusive behavior, for example. I don’t believe it’s your job to making feel “comfortable” enough to share details of his personal life with you and do deeper into a relationship. Why should you do more when he’s already done so little? And based on the information provided, I would say that the problem isn’t that you haven’t done enough to make him feel comfortable; it’s that he simply chooses not to include you in that part of his life. It sounds like he’s getting what he wants out of your relationship as it exists right now. You want more, but does he? Really? If so, he would understand that the first and most important building block to your relationship is honesty. If anything, he needs to make you feel more comfortable in the relationship, but people will only give us what we put forth that we deserve.
Best to you,
~Deesha
I’m heavily sighing because this is obviously a scenario that is never easy to resolve. I have been with my boyfriend for six months (I’ve known him for about two years total) and he has a daughter who is three. The mother lives in a different state (about two hours away) and pretty much calls the shots regarding visitation. He has asked her to bring their daughter to his place one weekend and he proposed to visit the alternate weekend. She never agrees to this. She knows that we are in a relationship and although we have never met, he has been pretty clear about my presence in his life. Because he is always having to visit their daughter at her house, sometimes he spends the night there. He assures me that they don’t even sleep in the same room, but this really makes me uncomfortable. I know that his ex still has feelings about the break up because she would say things like, “I know we’re not together, but you can still take me out.” I am understanding of his situation and I love him very much, but I don’t think it’s fair to me for him to spend the night there under any circumstances besides an emergency, especially since she obviously still has feelings for him. Am I overreacting?
Hi, Andie,
Lots of red flags here that indicate that your boyfriend isn’t maintaining boundaries with his ex. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.
Best,
~Deesha
My boyfriend has a young daughter who lives out of state with her mother. Before we started dating, which was about 9 months ago, he was still having sex off and on with his ex, even though they had not been a couple for about three years. He told me that he was having sex out of convenience (I’m the first serious girlfriend after they broke up) and after we met and started being serious about each other, he cut all ties out of fairness to me (and to her…apparently she still has feelings for him). When he visits his daughter he also stays at his ex’s house overnight. Considering his daughter doesn’t live particularly close to him and he is doing the bulk of the traveling to visit without a car, is this normal? I am very upset about him staying at her house overnight. Are there any other viable and affordable options that I can pose to him? I don’t have any children, we are not married and he and his ex were never married. This is my first relationship dating a man with a child. HELP PLEASE!!!!
Petricia,
You can read the response to your comment here:
http://coparenting101.org/2009/12/25/dating-and-co-parenting-take-your-time-do-it-right/
Best,
~Deesha
Hi, Simone,
As for “normal”…well, co-parenting arrangements vary. It sounds like your boyfriend has visitation while his child’s mother has primary or sole physical custody; other co-parents might share physical custody 50-50. And there are various arrangments in between on this spectrum. Regardless, the only thing that matters is if this is an arrangement that your boyfriend is willing to continue; if he’s happy with it, then there’s not much you can do. However, if you are able to impress upon him that you feel that he should make other overnight arrangements out of respect for your relationship, only he can say what’s viable and affordable for him.
Even if he could afford a hotel room, he may not want to spend his time with his child in a hotel like a traveling salesman.
He might not have established the type of relationship with his child such that she is comfortable staying overnight with him without her mother present.
He may or may not have relatives or friends in the area with whom he can stay while in town visiting his daughter.
He might consider going to court to change the terms of his custody and visitation agreement so that he (or his ex) can bring his daughter to him for visits.
But again, if your boyfriend doesn’t feel like the situation is broken, he’s probably not going to be inclined to “fix” it to make you feel better.
Because he was having sex off and on with his ex “out of convenience” for 3 years and she still has feelings for him, it would seem that he would want to initiate an arrangement that doesn’t include him staying at her house, so as to establish clear boundaries–whether he was in a new relationship or not. Take heed to the fact that he hasn’t done this.
Best,
~Deesha
My boyfriend went through a nasty divorce seven years ego. His ex made our life living hell, went after us emotionally and financially and made an ultimatum to him that he needs to choose between seeing his kids and being with me. Six years later, he finally removed court signed agreement that prevented me from seeing his three children and over last year I have seen two of them out of three 3 times. This situation caused fights between my boyfriend and me as he would put his kids and his ex demands in front of our interests and did not create trustworthy environment for him and I start living together and integrating my daughter into relationship as he would break up with me every time his kids would want him to do something that was outside of the visitation agreement and just went along with their and his ex’s demands. She managed to collect over 40% of his net pay and he also left all their marital assets with her living us with not much to work with.
To make things even more complicated, now his ex wants to meet me after we managed to spend one nice day with the two of his children over holidays – his son still refuses to see me. I told my boyfriend that I really do not want to meet his ex wife because all horrible things she has said and done (hired a private investigator to find out how much I make, wanted to have my salary as a part of her alimony and child support calculations!….) I am portrayed by my boyfriend as someone who is sabotaging a nice opportunity for all of us to get along well after so many years. I feel pushed around as am always put into situation to accommodate her and her children’s needs and just deal with my life circumstances without any kind of support ( I have a child too!) I simply do not want to see her nor have anything to do with her. I just want to be left alone and have some peace finally!
Any advise? How should I convey my message to her without offending her?
Hi, Ana,
Unfortunately, I don’t think you can convey your message without offending her. Not to excuse her behavior, but from the ex’s perspective she’s trying to reach out, perhaps finally accepting that you are going to have a significant presence in her children’s lives, and you are telling her, essentially, “too little too late.” As a mother, I would want to have some kind of rapport, however minimal and business-like, with anyone who is going to be around my children, even moreso with the person who is sharing a home with their father. If this person is unwilling to do this, then I would be wary (at best) about their involvement in my children’s lives. You don’t have to be friends, or even to talk after the meeting, but a single meeting can open the door to a peaceful co-existence. What do you have to lose?
That said, you have to do what works for you. If you are reluctant to meet her because of her misdeeds and because you are tired of always accommodating–I can also understand that. However, your primary beef is with your boyfriend, not his ex. He’s the one that made the choice over the years to put his ex’s needs/wants above yours; he’s the one who has failed to balance his role as a father with his role as your partner; he’s the one that gave his ex all the marital assets and broke up with you when it suited him; and finally, he’s the one that is now portraying you as sabotaging the relationship potential with his ex. You want peace and to be left alone, okay–but why do you want to continue in a relationship with this man?
It’s very easy to demonize the ex, especially when she has been so contentious over the years. But I urge you not to make her the fall guy for your boyfriend’s failure to meet your needs in this relationship. Hold him, not his ex, accountable for not being the partner you expect him to be.
Best to you,
~Deesha
Hi … okay I have been reading all posts and feel to write my issue.
I met my boyfriend almost 2 years ago. At the time we met, we were both in marriages that were not going right. He was my trainer and so we spent 1 hr /4days a week together. For maybe 6 mths it was just student vs. trainer meanwhile at home on both ends it was just not getting better. In a nut shell we had an affair. I am and was always against that but it happened to me. I tried to stay away, then I convinced myself that we would eventually end things as we never intended to hurt our spouses. In the end that did not happen. We definitely fell strongly inlove and have spent everyday since together and we are best friends. We are very happy. We are both friends with ex’s which I would prefer cause he has a child (1yr) with his ex and know it is good for the child to have parents that are civil.
Now we live together, have a business together and want to continue to grow together…but his ex is still not over the breakup and blames me for it. I understand cause it was an affair but it was his choice to stray and leave…as it was with my marriage.
So the huge issue is that she refuses to let me go near their child. She calls me names and hates me. It really saddens me as I am a kind and thoughtful and caring person… i never meant to hurt anyone but I guess I did. And all i want is to share the joy with my boyfriend when he is with his child. I want to get to know her cause she is so important to him. I do not want to be her mother or anything like that but just sometimes do things the 3 of us.
His ex only wants him to visit his child at their old house. I guess she wants to control the situation.
He has talked to her about me and him doing things with their child and she freaks out real bad. She has now threatened him that if he brings their child anywhere near me she will pick up and leave. She will move away near her family that is 4hour plain ride away. So he is really afraid.
what do you think, any suggestions?
help! Please and thank you.
I just want to live happy and all around to get along.
Hi, Jen,
This is a heavy situation. Let me reach out to some professionals, and I’ll get right back to you.
Best,
~Deesha
thanks for such a quick reply and yes please do if you can as I have spent many days and nights with stress and heartache. I appreciate your advice.
Thx
hi again…. just wondering if you got anything for me. I dont mean to be a pain just in crisis and need a new outlook i guess
Hi, Jen,
You’re no pain. It may take a little while to get response, but I have passed your question on to a professional who is familiar with situations like yours. If you’d like, I can email you at the address you provided as soon as I post the response.
Best,
~Deesha
yes I would very much like that.
Thanks you Deesha.
And for the record I think what you are doing with your posts is a great thing as you provide people with help, advice and reality of the situation. I will wait for your email
You’re welcome, Jen.
ive been readin all the posts and wow i am not alone, i have been with my boyfriend for about a year now we live together and i have two kids from a precvious relation and i he has two kids as well . he is very involved in his kids life which is a good thing. he gets his kids every other weekend and thursdays from 6-8pm but ofcourse he says he wants to spend more time with his kids and the ex lets him by inviting him to go wih her & the kids somewhere or just come to the house and ofcourse he goes and i dont have a say so because when it comes to his kids seeing his kids is more important that what i haver to say , recently it was his ex’s birthday and he told mybf to invite me and he did and we went to her house and had dinner , he picked up the kids a day before to go buy her a gift, and he also gave her a camera thathe had gotten from work that he didnt need but was new, am i over reacting or is this crossing the boundaries that im lettign this bother me and for him to go see his kids during the week from like 5pm to 10pm. and he wants to take his kids to the monster jam but its on the weekend he doesnt get them so she is letting him take them but she is goign as well and im just left out. she also picked him up one time and they went to the zoo and then to the movies with the kids and then they both just showed up at out apt and she stayed there his family also came over but i felt that was very weird and he just said he couldnt be mean and tell her no. do i just need to be more understanding or what , please help
Hi. Ive been with my boyfriend who has two kids (8 and 2) with two different women for four months. He doesnt see the older child but pays child support, the other child he sees on a regular basis. A month after we started dating we moved in together. (i know, really fast). After moving in with him i started realizing the financial strain he was under due to the child support he pays each woman. He was behind on all his bills and there was no food in the house. After i moved in I paid some of the back balances so theyd be current and I bought groceries every 2 weeks. Unfortunately he and I never go out because he has no money and then i couldnt pay because of the extra financial burden that i took by living with him. I started feeling like his only priority was his children because we spent no time together and I was broke all the time. At first the financial burden bothered me but i was ok because we were building a life together but now im angry i keep picking fights with him. i just feel so disatisfied coz i feel like he just moved me in to pay bills. I also feel like there is a lot of things hes lying to me about. A couple months ago he got a knock on the door and was served papers…i heard the guy say it was divorce papers. i asked him if he was married and he swore he wasnt married and never was. a couple of weeks ago we got into a big fight and he told me to leave coz our relationship wasnt working. before i left i started snooping through his things and found that he had significant debt and that he was in fact married at some point. I dont know if he still is. after i moved out he told me the “truth” and he said he wanted to make things work. As for the 2nd baby mother i never met her. but today i found that he has pictures of her on his comp. Is this relationship worth saving? Did he move me in to help him financially and how will i know if hes over the last baby mother?
Hi, Lisa,
You wrote: Is this relationship worth saving?
Often, though not always, the mere fact that you are asking yourself this question suggests that the relationship is not salvageable. Based on what you’d shared, I’d suggest cutting your losses and moving on from this extremely one-sided relationship. In finance and economic practice, there’s something called a cost-benefit analysis in which you consider the cost of a particular undertaking and weigh it against the benefit that you expect to get from it. In the case of your current relationship, the costs to you far outweigh any benefits. And actually, based on what you’ve shared, I don’t see how this relationship benefits you at all–not financially, not emotionally, not socially.
Did he move me in to help him financially and how will i know if hes over the last baby mother?
Of course I can’t say for sure what his motives were for moving you in, but again, if you have to ask, your worst fears are probably true. Finally, as for whether or not he’s over his previous girlfriend…again, you can’t know for sure, but there’s so much else going wrong with this guy, it’s pretty much a moot point.
I suspect that you already know that you need to move on, but maybe it’s hard to do so. Imagine if you had a daughter…would you advise her to stay with this guy? Tell yourself what you would tell her…because you deserve the same kind of mutual respect and healthy relationship.
Best to you,
~Deeesha
Hi, Anna,
If your boyfriend’s standard is that telling his ex “no” is the equivalent of “being mean”, then he may have some issues drawing boundaries. That said, as for whether the amount of time they spend together, his celebrating her birthday, and the gift-giving is crossing a line…it depends. While rare, some co-parents really are this friendly–and platonic–after a break up. But this only works if everyone is on the same page with the “platonic” part. Also, this kind of chumminess can become problematic when one or both of the co-parents is involved with someone else and the co-parenting friendship begins to make the new partner feel uncomfortable, disrespected, or insecure. While your boyfriend’s children are a priority, he has to find a way to balance his responsibilities to his children with being a respectful and responsive partner in his relationship with you. Sometimes, how you feel about things will be trumped, but I don’t believe this should be a given.
Your feelings and concerns should not be dismissed out of hand. If you have questions about his boundaries with his ex, he should be willing to have a conversation with you, to clarify, reassure, and figure out what you can both live with. Do his children attend school during the week? If so, are they really staying up until 10 PM on school nights? Is this level of involvement with his ex something he envisions sustaining, or does he have a time frame for fewer joint activities as his children get older and/or more adjusted to their parents’ split? In other words, does will he continue to allow his ex to make his extra time with the kids conditional on her being present? If things are comfortable enough for his ex to hang out at your place, is there a reason you can’t join them for Monster Jam, the movies, and the zoo, or hang out at her house? Does he believe he should never tell his ex “no”?
Your boyfriend helping the kids get their mom a gift was great, but what happened beyond that, I believe, was also fair game for discussion between the two of you. It was a very nice gesture on his ex’s part to invite you to her birthday party as well, but neither his nor your attendance was necessary. Nice, but not necessary, especially if you weren’t completely comfortable with it.
It sounds like you’re already doing a lot of understanding and compromising; perhaps it’s time for your boyfriend to do some as well. He can still be a great dad and spend lots of time with his kids…and be responsive to your concerns as his partner.
Best to you,
~Deesha
thank you so much for responding and yes he does see it as being mean. i dont knwo if part of it is jelousy becausei can see how much he cares for her and just makes me feel like maybe one day he will just decide he wants to try again with her.i think my only problem is insecurity and not enough reassurance. but your right we didnt have to go to her birthday dinner but im sure his kids wanted him too and its hard for him to tell his kids no as well and then she will just make him feel bad and guilty. and your right i should be able to go placed with them but he tells me he doesnt feel liek dealing with attitude from her and hE rather just avoid it. ive asked him before if he thinks about gettign back with her and he tells me know but more and more i see how nice he is too her and how caring so i dont know what to think, and he did purchase 5 tickets to monster jam so im thinking he is taking her and her newphew that he gets along with and not telling me to avoid argument since he told me he wants it to be just him and the kids so if he goes with her and not tell me he will loose my trust i dont know if i should confront him about it before he goes or after
You’re welcome, Anna. I believe your fears and insecurities are valid, based on what’s going on in your relationship. While it’s admirable that your boyfriend wants to keep the peace with his ex, your feelings matter too. Also, it’s unrealistic, not too mention untenable for him to be a functioning partner in a healthy relationship with another person, while shying away from ever saying “no” to or disappointing his ex and his kids. Disappointment, compromise, and not getting everything you want is a natural part of life. He does them no favors shielding them from reality.
In order to make his ex and kids happy, he’s constantly disappointing you. I encourage you not to settle for less than you deserve in this, or any relationship.
Best,
~Deesha
why is this so fustrating to me im trying to be okay and be happy with my boyfriend who i love so much,he had his kids all this weekend and just got off of work and is going to his ex’s house right now to see his kids, i dont knwo why it bothers me so much, am i bein selfish? is there nothing wrong with him going to his ex’s house almost everyday? he use to not be this way, but since he;s lived with me and my kids he feels he should be over there alot more to be with his kids instead of mine.
Hi, Anna,
Your boyfriend’s guilt about living with kids not his own isn’t unheard of. Maybe he’s trying to make sure that he spends more time with his kids than with yours, so that his kids don’t feel slighted? If so, again, he’s not doing a very good job of balancing things where his relationship with you is concerned. What would balance look like to you? Is your boyfriend willing to hear your concerns and adjust how he spends his time? Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide the terms you are willing to live with.
Best,
~Deesha
why not bring the kids over to your place that you share and spend time there with all the kids together. If he is not willing to compromise then I think its not good and I do not think you are being selfish or you would not be writing on this board at all.
well my boyfriend does bring his kids over to out home every other weekend, but when he is not scheduled to see his kids he will just go over to his ex house and spend time with them for about 4 or 5 hours. he told me the other day he feels uncomfortable when me and her are together and thats why he didnt invite me to monster jam with him because it was the weekend when he doesnt get his kids so the only way she let him take the kids was if she goes and he told me he wanted to enjoy that time with his kids without feeling uncomfortable. ive been very understanding the time he leave to go see his kids and don try to argue with him and we seem to be more at peace. i do trust him, but i am going to talk to him and see if he is willing to change some things to make me feel better. my balance would be if the ex invites him somewhere on the day that he is not scheduled to get kids is to at least invite me or when he goes see the kids at her house to ask me if i want to go or give me a time when he will be back, just little things like that would make me feel alot better
Anna, it sounds like you have the makings of a good conversation.
Best to you,
~Deesha
last night my boyfriends ex called and said theyw ere at the mall by our house it was 7pm so hegets dressed right away and leaves and i asked if i can go and he laughed and said why would i take you im just goign to see the kids, why do i think thats oky if his ex will just belike why did she have to come and then he will just loose more time with his kids because she might not invite him next time. so he left. when he came back he told me it was over and he hasnt been happy in a long time and doesnt love me and doesnt see me in his future. he told me thats just the way he feels he cant do this anymore with me or my kids and he sai he is moving out as soon as he finds a place. he said he just wants to be alone and take this weight off his shoulders. and he said he doesnt liek the way i act when he leaves to see his kids and he said its many other things too and he doesnt want to drag this on …… so its over
Hi, Anna,
I’m so sorry…the hurt you feel is palpable in what you wrote. I hope you can find support and care from your friends and family at this sad time.
One suggestion: I would not let your boyfriend dictate when he wants to leave. A date needs to be set, and he needs to honor that. You don’t want him staying just because he can’t find a place, when it’s very clear he doesn’t want to be with you.
Best,
~Deesha
Hi, my boyfriend have been together for three years and he has two kids with his ex and they are currently going through a divorce. He still has not introduced me to his kids because he feels his ex will be spiteful and give him a harder time than she already is when it comes to the courts. He has been the nicer one and thinks this will pay off, but so far it has not. She is trying to get all she can from him and he knows the money he gives her monthly to take care of kids doesnt all go to kids. She doesnt want to be with him but wants to make it so that he will be miserable and unable to have a family in future. I feel that my boyfriend is being weak by being afraid of this woman and I feel that he is allowing his ex to control him and the decisions that he makes.i.e, not introducing me to the kids. Also he doesnt want me to ever bring up the topic of his ex or kids. I just hope that after his divorce is final he will stop living in fear of this woman.
Hi, Karine,
Quiet as it’s kept, it’s actually pretty common for men to be fearful during and in the aftermath of a divorce. Perhaps like many men, your boyfriend fears losing contact with his children or having his relationship with them hindered by their mother. Of course no one should have to worry about these things, but the fear is real, and the possibility of his soon-to-be-ex acting out is real as well. While reasonable people may disagree about the effectiveness of his strategy of concession, the bottom line is, that’s the strategy he’s chosen. And it’s not unreasonable for him to want to wait until he is actually divorced before introducing his children to his girlfriend.
The timing of the introduction is his decision to make. He’s the parent. You can respect his decision, or you can refuse to and walk away. Pressuring him or declaring him “weak” for wanting to wait and be more prudent about the introduction will likely backfire on you. Kudos to him for being a good parent. You’re thinking about what will feel good and right for you. He has to consider what’s best for his kids…and as his partner, you would do well to do the same. Have you thought about how the kids will feel about meeting you? Your comment didn’t include any acknowledgment of what meeting you might likely mean for them. Do you know where they are, emotionally, at this juncture? If all you’ve conveyed to your boyfriend is that you feel it’s time to meet his kids, with no recognition as to what a mixed bag of emotions this will create in them…then what you are telling him is that you aren’t thinking about anyone but yourself. And that’s certainly not going to give him any incentive to rush an introduction between you and his children. One of the biggest factors influencing how meeting you will impact the children is what their mother conveys to them about you. Given that your boyfriend is already handling her with kid gloves, and she doesn’t want you to meet them, do you realize how conflicted these children are going to feel meeting you when their mother is against such a meeting? Perhaps she will never want them to meet you, but why press the issue right now?
Don’t ask a father to go against what he thinks is best for his children just because you are feeling impatient with a decision you made. Reality check: You are partnering with a man with children. The sacrificing and the compromising never ends. You hope he stops “living in fear” of his wife once the divorce is finalized. Guess what…the divorce only means his marriage has ended; his co-parenting relationship with “this woman” has many years to go. You are likely setting yourself up for disappointment (and more conflict with your boyfriend) if you think a divorce decree is going to change the dynamic between him and his wife. The negotiations are just beginning: birthdays, vacations, custody, changes to the schedule; expenses; holidays; school, health, discipline, and behavior issues; clothing; extracurricular activities; summer camp… Child support is not engraved in stone; mom can request a modification at any time, even after the divorce is finalized. It doesn’t mean it will be granted, but the point is: divorces are fluid processes. Agreements are violated. Kids’ needs change. Parents’ circumstances change.
In some respects, it never truly “ends” until the kids are independent.
If your boyfriend is not discussing these issues with you, you have no idea what agreements he’s making regarding these issues and how they will impact him, his time, his money, his future, or his relationship with you. Do you really, fully know what you’re signing up for, by dating this man? You can’t be as in the dark as you are…and then turn around and make demands of him when your expectations aren’t met. Demands that he might not be able to meet even if he wanted to because they violate a legal agreement he’s made and never discussed with you. This is a rocky foundation on which to build a relationship. Your boyfriend needs to discuss these matters with you…but you need to be open, reasonable, and empathetic so that he will.
Perhaps you feel that you’ve already sacrificed enough, been patient enough, and paid your dues because you decided to wait on the sidelines these final 3 years of his marriage. But unless he promised you that he would be introducing you to his children at this time, it’s presumptuous of you to expect him to. And even if he did make that promise, the reality is, for whatever reason, he’s not willing or able to honor it. The next move is yours. The only person’s behavior you can control is yours. If he believes the best thing is to make concessions with his ex, then you will have to go along with the program…or find a partner who is willing to deal with his ex the way you think is best, or one who isn’t co-parenting. In time, your boyfriend may decide that he can concede less and stand up to his ex more; but I can’t imagine your pressuring him or considering him weak is going to endear you to him in the meantime. If he knows that you consider his behavior “weak”, no wonder he doesn’t want to discuss his kids or his ex with you. You’ve shown no respect for his feelings or the difficult position he’s in.
(Now, for all I know, your boyfriend has strung you along and doesn’t have honorable reasons for not wanting you to discuss his ex and his kids…but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt since the only negative you’ve stated about him is that you consider him to be weak.)
In being with this man for 3 years while he’s still married, you’ve made a decision that a lot of people would not in part because it really is a lot of waiting, so your impatience is understandable, but that’s precisely it–your issue. Regardless of what his ex is doing and what your boyfriend is allowing her to do, the issue for you is…you, and your expectations, which may not be reasonable for a man who is just on the verge of divorce. If you had just met him, would you expect to meet his kids right now? Of course not. You’ve got 3 years “invested”, but unfortunately, those years don’t count as much as they would if he had been divorced when you first started dating.
And they really, really don’t count if he’s been living with his ex and his kids at any time while the two of you have been together.
If you want your boyfriend to be open to discussing his ex and his kids with you, show him that you are willing to listen and empathize, and that you care about his kids’ well-being and about his relationship with them. He’s not going to want to discuss his kids and his ex with you as long as such conversations are really just about you and what you want.
Best,
~Deesha
Hi Deesha,
I want to thank you for pointing out the things that I have been doing wrong and I plan to take your advice. When I met him, he was separated from his wife and has finally decided to go through with his divorce but it is still a difficult situation for him. He and I can be great together, but I realize now that I have to be more understanding and realistic and if i care about him like i do then I need to really change a few things. Thanks again.
Karine
Hi, Karine,
You’re welcome, and I wish you much clarity and peace as you move forward!
Best,
~Deesha
Hello,
I am a “baby momma” and my Ex has put me through many troublesome events. I have experience domestic disputes with him.
I would not mind him visiting the kids but he is very controlling and the woman that he is with he cheated on me with when I was pregnant with his first child. This woman refused to leave him alone after she knew we were living together and he told her I love my kids mother, in which he brought me a dog and kept it at her house until he got his stuff.
He lied on so many occassions and this woman waited for him to “come home.” I told my kids father about my sons baseball game and he said he was going to come instead this woman shows up. She sat next to me and didnt say anything I called her out. I said to her are you with him and she said no. He told her not to say anything and like a dummy she didnt say anything.
I wouldnt mind if he was with anyone else but her she is a snake and they deserve each other and the pain and heartache that they inflicted on me goes beyond words. I didnt hear from my kids father for five years. He didnt want to be found and when he was found he was living with that woman.
He tells her to keep her mouth shut and mind her business and stuff like oo you can never be my kids mother. He tells me oo I love her and I am with her cause you left me. He then trys to manipulate the kids when he does come around. I am tired of crying and tired of the lies and I cant stand him or the woman. I cant stand him because he disappeared and lives with this woman and takes care of her kid and he has never taken care of our kids. I worked he lived off of me he was the babysitter.
This woman has called me names and she knew about me and was OK with “sharing” a man like thats normal.
I needed the financial help from my kids father but he will only give help if I as he terms it “play the game”. I have tried for several years to get child support and he goes under the radar by working jobs under the table and by disappearing. He has his family lie and everything. I am soo confused as what to do. He makes me out to be the crazy baby momma when in reality he is the one playing games. He plays me against the other woman and makes her feel like I want him and he just trys to destroy my person period. Please help and give advice. Its to the point where I started having nightmares again and I wake up screaming.
Hi, blessed,
You didn’t specify the help and advice you’re seeking, but I’ll do my best to respond to what you’ve written:
1) My heart goes out to your kids because it sounds as if their father is an inconsistent presence in their lives, at best. Because of their father’s inconsistency and his manipulation of them, I suggest you get counseling for your children. You didn’t mention how they are coping with all of this, but I can’t imagine this is a healthy situation for them.
2) Because this situation is stressing you out, I also suggest that you get counseling, for your own well-being, and so that you can be the whole, healthy parent your children need.
3) If cost is an issue with regard to counseling, reach out to a private practitioner or community mental health center in your area that will offer services on a sliding scale. Try Googling “your city’s name”, “counseling/therapy” & “sliding fee.”
4) I don’t know what you exactly what you mean by “he will only give help if I as he terms it ‘play the game’”, but whatever the “game” is, I doubt it’s fair or appropriate. Even if you cannot collect child support, depending on your state’s regulations, you may be able to have the back child support accrue and the arrears held against him. So if he ever does become a W-2 wage earner or files for disability, etc., you will get support. By doing this, you could even get support deducted from any income tax refund he has coming. Plus, there are consequences he could face by owing documented back child support, like not being able to get a passport, for example. Again, the laws vary from state to state, but contact your local child support enforcement office to find out your options; things may have changed since the last time you tried. Sadly, doing right by his children isn’t motivation enough to get him to pay child support; it sounds like he needs other incentives.
5) You may be tempted to think that it’s better for your kids to see their dad whenever he decides to come around–or not–rather than not to see him at all (if that’s what he’s been threatening). However there are emotional costs to your kids that you should weigh as well. It doesn’t sound like you have a formal visitation agreement in place, but because of the volatility of the situation and for the well-being of you and your children, you really should. An attorney can help you with this, or you can go to family court directly and ask for assistance in establishing a custody and visitation agreement between you and your ex that establishes you as their primary custodian and which allocates set visitation for him. The consistency of a regular visitation schedule is in your children’s best interest. You say that your ex is manipulating your kids; then perhaps you should ask the court to order him to attend parenting classes as a condition of visitation and/or order supervised visits until he gets his act together. He has a right to see his children, but with that right comes a responsibility to treat them appropriately. If not, his rights can be made conditional.
6) I mention your ex’s new girlfriend last because except with regard to contact with your children, she really isn’t your concern. If you are concerned about her harming your children, bring this up when you go to family court for assistance. Outside of that, don’t talk to her. Don’t talk to your ex about her. If it doesn’t directly impact your children, there’s nothing for you and your ex to discuss. Ask yourself the very hard question: “What am I getting by continuing this unhealthy interaction with him?” When Girlfriend showed up at the baseball game, she should have been invisible to you. I know you’ve been hurt, but honestly, it’s none of your concern who he dates as long as your kids aren’t being harmed. Why are you even discussing his relationship with him? These are the kinds of healing questions you can address in counseling to help you move on.
7) The family court system doesn’t always work the way it should, so I’m not suggesting that this will be easy or work out perfectly. But your children–and your peace of mind–are worth the effort. Remove your focus from what others (your ex, his girlfriend) are doing to you, and focus instead on what you are doing for yourself and for your kids. As Talibah Mbonisi of WeParent.com likes to say: “Lose your victim, and claim your power.”
The only person you can control is yourself. So do what you need to do to empower, equip, and heal yourself from this old relationship and the fallout from it in your present life. Move forward and be a role model of strength and self-determination for your children. Don’t teach them to dwell on what someone else is not doing, or trying to get other folk to “act right”; show them that it’s important for each of us to take charge of our own lives and not let others hinder us. Teach them that we don’t wait around hoping others will do right by us; we play the hand we’re dealt, demand respect, and take care of ourselves.
Your kids need you in so many ways; don’t let their father and his girlfriend distract you from the work of being the parent they deserve.
Best to you,
~Deesha
well after the breakup its been very hard for me, ive tried talking to him to work things out but he didnt want too, now he has been goin everywhere with his ex andthe kids, i know they are not gettin back together but still it hurt veryu much and then he comes hom and brings pictures they took together, and they even went to some casino with her and her family and that night he stayed at her moms house that just tore me apart. im 99% sure they are not messin around or anything but it still killed me, the next day his family was celebrating his bday along with his dads, he txt me that morning saying everyone was coming to our place at 1pm, then he shows up with her too and everyone left around 11pm he left too to take her home, after all this i no longer want to work things out with him i feel like all the love i had for him has shattered and i want him to move out asap, he asked me if i no longer wanted to talk to him and i said no andhe asked if i wanted him to move out and i said yes and he asked to give him a week and if i still wanted to be friends and i said ok and no and he said ok. i feel so much anger towards him right now i dont knwo who else to talk to, i did so much for him etc. but now i just want him out. oh and another thing i think i might be preg. =( i hope im not because i cant stand being around him anymore and this will be very hard.
Hi, Anna,
I hope you continue to insist that this man move out so that you can move on with your life. Pregnancy would certainly complicate things, but as long as you don’t believe a baby will “make” him love you, respect you, or “act right”, there’s no reason you can’t continue to forge a healthy, functional path for yourself.
Best,
~Deesha
hello, well my bf came to me and said he doesnt want to brake up and he does love me he just gets so scared that he is going tomove on and leavehis kids behind, we had a long talk and got back together =). but now i feel like maybe i still want to move on, but for right now we are doign good im just not sure now if this is what i want. and i dont think im preg yay!
. thanks alot , will keep you posted.
Okay, Anna…all the best to you!
~Deesha
Hi there, this is amazing that so many woman have the same problem. I am in a similar situation. My fiance and I have been together for 7 months now. He was in a loveless marriage, they had seperate lives, sperate vacations, finances, and yes bedrooms. They were more like roommates. She asked him for a divorce three years prior and he was concerned for their now 8 year old daughter. He filed for a dissolution 8 months ago and of course she has to dsign the papers in agreement. She has pulled every card, she was dying, she was going to lose her job, on and on and all of it was a lie. She even hired a private investigator to follow me for six months and used his mortgage money to pay for it and now risks losing the house. She signed the papers yesterday. He is still living in the house though, even though he has a cabin of his own. His daughter knows about me fromteh beginning, but now he has her hidden and will not even talk to me on the phone if he is with her. We see each other about 20 minutes a week at this point. He says that things will be this way or that way, but I am sitting here waiting for seven months and still not much is moving. I am not a homewrecker, she told him to leave and find someone else for about 6 years. She has always known of me and did not care until we bought property together. She has threatened me and she scares me. He says he has to see his daughter every day and I am afraid he will be going to his ex’s house every night to put his daughter to bed so he can spend quality time with her and I will sitting there waiting for him. He cries when he thinks of not seeing his daughter every day and going with the agreement of every other week. I am not sure if I can do this or not. I also have a daughter who is nine and get along fine with my ex. This woman is wicked and he gives in to anything because of their daughter. Is there any hope in this mess?
Hi, Ronda,
Thanks for stopping by. Actually, it’s not so surprising that so many woman are facing the same issue. With roughly half of all marriages ending in divorce and over 1 million couples (many with children) divorcing in the U.S. each year, that’s a lot of newly single people who are presumably looking to re-partner at some point. Further, many men fear losing contact or having their relationship with their children hindered by an angry or vengeful ex-wife, and this would conceivably impact their behavior in subsequent relationships. So…on the one hand you have the father/boyfriend’s concerns and interests, and then you have those of the new partner, and often there is a real disconnect. In your case, seven months might seem like a long time to wait, and surely you’ve invested your time and emotions, not to mention a commingling of finances (you mentioned buying property together). But while this time and commitment means one thing to you, it’s very likely–and reasonably so–that your boyfriend is operating on a completely different timetable, one that is influenced by his fears, concerns, and what he considers to be the best interest of his child and his relationship with her.
Seven months may seem like a long time from your perspective, such that once he moves out, you may feel like you’ve done enough waiting and compromising and tolerating of his ex’s behavior. But on many levels, the “clock” will just have started ticking for your boyfriend once he moves out. This seems likely since he’s starting to scale back in terms of his daughter’s awareness of your presence in his life.
As for whether there’s hope, I think it depends on 2 factors: 1) how you choose to proceed–patiently, or pressing your boyfriend to ditch his timetable; and 2) how adept your boyfriend is to eventually balancing his daughter’s needs with what he needs to do to be a full partner in your relationship, and how adept he is at distinguishing his daughter’s real needs from his ex-wife’s wants and whims.
You’ll notice that I factored his ex-wife’s behavior into the equation only tangentially. It’s not because her behavior doesn’t matter, but rather because what matters more is your fiance’s behavior in the face of whatever his ex brings to the table, which may change over time, for better or for worse. As hard as it may be, try to keep your focus and expectations on your fiance’s behavior, and on what’s best for your relationship, and for his relationship with his child. Admittedly, those two relationships may at times seem to be at cross-purposes. If you haven’t already, I suggest taking a look at three posts. The first is written by Mike, my ex (and co-founder of this site); it will give you a sense of what a dad is likely thinking about in situations like this; and the other two are written by Sherry, Mike’s wife (our children’s stepmother) from “the girlfriend’s” perspective:
http://coparenting101.org/2009/12/25/dating-and-co-parenting-take-your-time-do-it-right/
http://coparenting101.org/2009/05/19/everyone-needs-to-feel-validated-and-respected-a-response-to-im-just-the-sideline-girlfriend/
http://coparenting101.org/2009/08/09/you-said-it-co-parents-sharing-a-hotel-room-is-inappropriate/ (in this post, Sherry’s response to the reader follows mine, so you’ll need to scroll down to see it)
Finally, I have to say that while I don’t know the specifics of your situation, engagement after only 7 months of dating, while your boyfriend was still married, sounds awfully quick. While long engagements are certainly no guarantee of marital success, moving too soon can be detrimental, especially in your case where you’ve gotten engaged, but now your boyfriend feels compelled to pull back (i.e., you only see each other 20 minutes/week, hiding the relationship from his daughter even though she knows about you). Search your heart and make sure that “Being Engagement” doesn’t set you up to have unrealistic expectations of your boyfriend. Is he able to interact with you the way one would think a fiance would–at this juncture in his life? Though you are officially engaged, he may not be able to deliver on what that typically means. Can you live with that? If not, you may need to do some scaling back of your own, in terms of your expectations.
No one wants to wait forever or feel strung along. It’s so healthy that you are acknowledging that you’re not sure if you can do this or not, instead of trying to force it. As Mike and Sherry both suggest in the posts mentioned above, it would be worthwhile for you to check in with your fiance, be clear about your expectations and timetable, and see if you two are on the same page. Don’t be afraid to make adjustments as needed. You both deserve the time and sacrifice it will take to start your marriage on a solid foundation–if marriage is indeed right for the two of you.
Best,
~Deesha
Hello and thank you for reading my posting once again, its been very hard since we got back together first he says he wants us to get a bigger place then it all changes back. its valentines today and yes im home alone, and today we found ou i was pregnant. today we went to a kids parade with his ex then on teh drive back home she invites him to her house and he goes and leaves me at home. he says he feels bad leaving me all the time but he’d rather be with the kids. at this point he is there everyday right after he gets off work until the kids fall asleep and in the weekend from when he wakes up until the kids goes to sleep. right now i dont know what to do, i feel like just packing up my stuff and leaving to my moms or staying here but seperated so he can take responsibility and be here fr teh pregnancy, he wasnt to happy about it but didnt say much. im so down right now because i already have two kids from different relationships and now a 3rd. sometimes i just feel like telling him why doesnt he move in with his ex at her moms house because he’s there all the time anyways. i know i need to stop feeling sorry for myself. part of me doesnt want to go to my moms because there is really no room for me and my two kids and too much yelling. and i cant do it on my own right now. i do trust him and believe there is nothign going on between them but they are turning into best friends now and before they were enemies and he couldnt even stand her mom but now they are the closest ever and his ex is even being so nice to his family and now they go to her house alot too. all he basically does now is gets home to sleep and thats it.
My name is colleen. I married terry who has 2 sons by another woman. His ex wont let him see his kids when he is with. So Terry and i have been broken up four different times. I dont know what to do. He comes back to me becuase i know he loves me. But after a few months or so he gets extremely depressed and ends up leaving me to see his kids. Right now we are having a hard time finding jobs so we dont have the money to take her to court for visits. So what can I do? He just left me again a couple days ago. I know he will be back but i dont know what to do. I have so many dreams and goals with him. I dont want to just give that up. Please i need advice
Hey there,
I have been living with my bf for 7 months and I am 4 months pregnant. He has a 6 y old boy with another woman.He stays with us every second weekend and on school holidays.
The thing is my bf said his son is insecure and unhappy as he sees all his friends have dad living with them. So he wants to give his son a good feeling about that doing things together with him and the ex. Im just concerned that this will give his son the hope that his parents gonna be together again. And thats not fun for the child. And I think his ex would like them to get back together. She was furious when she found out I was pregnant.
Today he has been out all day with them, he just texted saying he wont b back until late. I just feel so lonely, I know my pregnancy makes my stress much more worse and emotions grow over the head.
And even his son knows and sees us together he thinks Im just a friend-thats what my bf says. And his son knows that he will have a half sister or brother soon. I just want my bf to explain his son that he is with me and he loves me and it doesnt matter that he is not together with his mom he still loves him. But my bf says he wouldnt understand.
And now he even didnt come home for the night, didnt even bother to let me know. And when I was telling him what I feel or think about it he just texted me back im a stupid bitch. I think I opened my eyes, I didnt want to do it for a long time. But its about the time.. Last week he even said he hates this baby inside me..
my fiance’s ex is completely horrible. she used to call MY cell over and over again asking for my fiance when she knew his number. finally i changed my number. then all of a sudden she wanted him back even though she was pregnant with another guy’s child. they’ve been split up 4 years and she’s had 4 kids since. he rejected her saying that he only wants me. now she tells his kids (2 beautiful daughters that deserve better) that their dad doesn’t love them and even goes as far as to say that he’s DEAD. now they call him by his first name which breaks his heart. total parental alienation i think. when he asks to see them, she says she’s going to charge him with harassment!! is there anything we can do?? she only keeps them for the money. everyone knows she has babysitters every night so she can follow her boyfriend around 24/7. what can i do???
Hi,
I have been with my bf for about 6 months now. He has 2 boys (5 and
and i have 1 girl (7 years old). My bf introduced his kids to me pretty early about 2 months of our relationship and his kids were nice and could accept me. However his ex wife was not happy with my bf and told him that it was way too early to introduce the kids. He told her that he was comfortable to introduce the kids to me at that point and the kids could accept me, so what’s the problem. He included me to all his kids’s activities/sports practices. (And of course the ex wife also attends in her kids activities everytime)
The next month after that conversation, out of the blue the kids really hate me. They don’t want to see me at all. And so his ex told him to not let me to see the boys at all. And because of that too, we almost broke up.
She never likes the idea that he’s serious with me. She’d prefer that he only has casual dates (she told him about that). So yes, she never likes me)
I feel somehow that my bf hasn’t moved on from his ex as well. So whatever she said, he seemed agree to her. Any favors she asked, he would take it. For example: (1) if she asked me to babysit the kids while she went for grocery shopping, he would okay her. (2) He really likes hanging out at his ex wife’s place with the kids. (Often the kids asked him to have dinner with them and stayed with them at her place. they would tell him how that made them so happy)–This situation annoyed me and I complained to him because to me, it would give them an impression of empty hopes for their parents to get back together. On the other hand, he did enjoy the moments and didn’t mind at all. (3) He told his ex that he would marry me, and per his story, his ex sounded not happy about it and he told her right away that was just a joke (here I felt he wanted to make her jealous and he liked her reaction and answer).
We used to meet up for 2-3 times a week, now if we can meet up once a week, that’s good enough. Every time we argue, he always says that his kids is first priority. And so whenever his kids want to spend time with him, he would make time for them even though we had plan. He would cancel or change the plan we had in last minute. And if i complained, he would say that I’m jealous with time he spends with the kids.
I only ask for one day in a week to spend time with me and he can’t make the time for me. I feel I’m not important anymore. He keeps saying that he has no choice as he has 2 kids and they have heavy sets of activities and he must attend all. (I told him to do it like and my ex husband’s and my way with our kid which is take turn every other week between us. I don’t understand why he has to attend to the activities every week. Like an obligation. Why can’t he explain to the kids).
I don’t know what to do. I feel like to move on sometimes because I don’t feel accepted in his life and family. And how his ex wife so hates me. But at the same time, I still love him and would prove to his ex that she is wrong all along about me…help me please
hi again,,
i re-read my post..for the example no#1. I should correct it to if she asked “him”.
thanks
vanessa
Anna, it’s pretty clear that your involvement with this man is bringing you nothing but a rollercoaster ride. For your own sake and that of your child, please consider getting off and getting yourself on stable ground.
Best to you,
~Deesha
Colleen, the advice I have is likely not what you want to hear: Give up those dreams and goals with this man because chances are, they will not become a reality. All you can do is take care of yourself. Terry is conflicted about his situation, and isn’t likely to be a healthy partner for anyone until he resolves things where his kids and his ex are concerned. It takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work: commitment, honesty, and consistency, for starters.
Best to you,
~Deesha
Sillu, I think you’d answered your own questions about this man. Take care of yourself.
Best,
~Deesha
Mal, I suggest your boyfriend get a court-mandated parenting time agreement in place so that his time with his children isn’t at his ex’s whim. Unless there are safety reasons why he’s not allowed to be with his children, he should be able to file a motion for this at the courthouse, with or without an attorney.
Best,
~Deesha
I don’t know what to do. I feel like to move on sometimes because I don’t feel accepted in his life and family. And how his ex wife so hates me. But at the same time, I still love him and would prove to his ex that she is wrong all along about me…help me please
Vanessa, once you take his ex out of the equation and focus on your boyfriend’s commitment to your relationship, or lack thereof, as evidenced by his behavior, all signs point to you needing to move on as hard as it may be. Love isn’t enough. I encourage you to value yourself enough that you won’t stay in a one-sided relationship just to prove another woman wrong. You can’t control what other people think about you. This is your life we’re talking about; you deserve more and better.
Best to you,
~Deesha