CoParenting101.org extends a warm welcome to a new “kid” on the co-parenting block: WeParent.com!

Founder Talibah Mbonisi has this to say about the site: “WeParent is a community of parents and parent advisers striving to give our children one of the keys to a happy, healthy and fulfilled life…strong families.  We are on a mission to support and uplift African-American mothers and fathers, like us, who are living apart but parenting TOGETHER.

“Through WeParent.com, WeParent Connect, live events, teleclasses, and more, single parents, co-parents and blended families can all find resources and community to support their parenting partnerships.”

While WeParent features many voices, Talibah’s own hard-won wisdom as a co-parent is the driving force behind this online community.  On WeParent, Talibah shares part of the genesis for this much-needed resource:

Almost eight years ago, I got pregnant by a man I had only known for three months.  Yes, we were digging each other, but no, we didn’t have an official, exclusive commitment to one another…and we definitely didn’t have any plans to go half on a baby.  It certainly wasn’t my most responsible moment.  His either.  But, we made lemonade, and for more than three years, we lived together creating some really wonderful memories and facing some challenges.  Ultimately, forever didn’t meet us in that relationship, and we transitioned into a co-parenting partnership and friendship.

Yes.  We are friends…most of the time.  But, all of the time, we are family.  And, that has been key to our being able to co-parent through the hot and critical times.  We decided early on that no matter what, our son made us family and that failure in this co-parenting endeavor was not an option.

It’s been a bumpy road at times.  That’s for sure.  But we are proud of what we have built, and we continue to get better.  Still, we need support.  I needed support, and I wasn’t finding what I thought I needed; so I decided to build it and to share the process with you.

And, here we are, mothers, fathers, experts and amateurs, co-creating the support we need…Tapping into that thing called hope, acting on some glimmer of faith that we can heal ourselves, our families and create the change our kids need to be happy, healthy children who grow into happy, healthy adults.

CoParenting101.org had a wonderful opportunity to chat with Talibah shortly before WeParent’s official March 4th launch. Here are some other highlights from our conversation…

Talibah: I’ve said this to myself and to other mothers I know: You cannot have a child with someone after three months of knowing him, and then be mad when he turns out not to be your Prince Charming.  Well, you can, but the truth is,  we made choices, and somewhere along the way we have to own those choices,  shed our victim and claim our power.  That is my mantra to myself these days, and it has made a difference in my co-parenting relationship.

CoPa101: Some people can rise to the occasion of parenthood; others can’t or won’t.

Talibah: Very true.  You can stand between your child and serious harm, but you can’t shield him completely from the reality of who his father is.  Some people just aren’t going to be our vision of perfect parents.  But they may still have some purpose in their children’s lives, and we have to learn to be ok with that sometimes.

CoPa101:  We can’t confuse our hurt and pain and our disappointment in this person with the disappointment our kids may–or may not–feel.   Healing is so vital. We have to heal ourselves post-break-up for all the obvious reasons, but one really important reason is that we have to model healing and wholeness and cooperation for our children.

But let’s be frank: When someone has hurt you or disappointed you,  sometimes you want to do immature things, nasty things.   “I want you to hurt, because you hurt me.  And I don’t want you to be happy, because I’m not.  So, let me undermine your happy relationship with the kids.”  You want to get in your jabs,  but as a way of life, and in front of the kids and using the kids–that’s bad stuff.

Talibah: Pain will take you there, and many of us just don’t know how to allow ourselves to feel that pain but to also recognize it and move past it as part of the healing process.  We don’t have good ways to get those feelings out, except through our children and through drama.  And too often, our girlfriends (or guy friends) don’t call us on this behavior.

CoPa101: They may even encourage it, unfortunately, because they are mired in conflict too. Birds of a feather…

Now, how did you come to focus WeParent on African-American families in particular?

Talibah: Several years ago, I started to look for resources to help me understand how to co-parent in a way that would be healthy for all of us.  But it wasn’t easy to find resources that really spoke to me on all the levels I needed support.  Most books addressed co-parenting after divorce. We were never married. I couldn’t really find anything that addressed Black women or Black parents in our situation.  So, I decided to build what I needed, and as I talked to other people about the idea, including my son’s father, I found that I wasn’t alone.

CoPa101: In your search for resources, why did you feel that race mattered?  Also, what impact does not having been married have on your current co-parenting relationship?

Talibah: I’m still sorting out why race matters, but at the most basic level, I think that there is a comfort level that we have with one another when we are in our own space.  For example,  “Baby Mama” doesn’t carry all the same baggage when you’re talking to your girlfriend.

CoPa101: It becomes a joke, and not an insult.

Talibah:  Exactly.  My son’s father and I use it as a term of endearment. (laughter) But, on a larger level, I think that the experience of Black people in this country is unique; our issues get colored (no pun intended) by things like economic challenges.  So, it’s easy to say that your child’s father should pay X amount in child support. But, when you juxtapose that against the unemployment levels of Black men in this country, there’s sometimes some other reality there.  Or our resistance to dealing with the courts. Fear even.

Plus, there’s our tendency to embrace extended family as central to our culture.  Then finally, there’s the fact that almost 70% of our children are born into situations like my family’s.

CoPa101: So you’re not talking about giving deadbeat parents a pass…you’re looking at the larger context in which people are often struggling to take care of their kids.

Talibah: Exactly.  And, hopefully, at some point participating in discussions about how we provide the comprehensive support that allows for some of those fathers to be material contributors to their children’s well being.

Also, we want to look at how we heal relationships between black men and black women.  That’s a major factor that impacts us in ways that may be different (or not) than other communities.

CoPa101: I love that you are putting out into the world models of African-Americans cooperating and keeping the peace.

Talibah: It’s critical.  I want to highlight examples of parents, like the two of you, who are doing this.  I really believe that many of us just don’t have the models around us. The friends we know are all dealing with drama and not in effective ways.  Some of us learn so young that “drama equals love.”  But, there are people doing this well, and sometimes just knowing that, seeing what it looks like, can help to shift the paradigm, i.e., your belief that cooperation and healing is possible.  For many it seems like an impossibility.  But it isn’t.

CoPa101: That’s one reason we started CoParenting101.org–so that people wouldn’t think co-parenting cooperatively was such an anomaly. We still get questions like, “Is it normal for my boyfriend to get along with his ex?”  And the answer is a resounding, “If they have kids together…YES!”  It may not be typical, but there’s certainly nothing inappropriate or wrong about it–and everything right about parents working together for their kids’ sake.

Talibah: You did a post on CoParenting101 recently about naysayers.  So, why do you think it is so difficult for people to believe that the two of you *really* have the relationship you profess to have?

CoPa101: Usually, when people ask that “normal” question, they are really asking, “Is this typical?” and sadly, the answer is “no.” They are also asking, “Is this really about the kids? Or do the two of thing still have a thing for each other?”  I can speak for us, and probably many others, that the latter answer is also “no.”   It shouldn’t be so hard for people to believe that exes can get along solely for the sake of their kids, with no other “hidden” motives.

But getting along is not typical. Drama, hostility, and kids as pawns and casualties in the War Between the Exes–unfortunately, that’s typical.

Talibah: Right.   I interviewed a couple, and one of the things they both said independently was that *not* having feelings for one another anymore was key.  I think that goes to the healing.

CoPa101: What will African-American parents find at WeParent that they may not get from other co-parenting resources?

Talibah: One component of the site is a community, WeParent Connect. My hope is that it will grow organically and become a forum for parents to blog, form interest groups, and so forth.

There are professionals who also participate, i.e. legal professionals, counselors, etc.

Additionally, I have tried to make sure that both mothers’ and fathers’ voices are heard.  There are two blogs on the site, MamaSpeak and Fatherhood Freestyle.  So, we’ll be hearing from several contributors about their real experiences with co-parenting or their efforts to do it.

Other regular features include Real Families,  examples of co-parenting couples getting it “right”; Words from the Wise, the advice column; and eventually an Internet talkshow/podcast.  In Atlanta, we’ll have the first WeParent Meet-up.

CoPa101: Finally…How would you sum up WeParent?

Talibah: Our mission, really, is to help facilitate a co-parenting revolution.