In part one of this series, Miles D., a 29-year-old adult child of divorce, recalled the many divorces and remarriages in his family, and he discussed the emotionally damaging relationship he had with his first stepmother.  In part two, Miles shared how these experiences have informed his present-day views of marriage and monogamous relationships.

Here, in this third and final part of the series, Miles talks about the aftermath of his parents’ divorce, and he offers some advice to co-parents and to kids of divorce.

My parents did well letting me know that the divorce was not my fault and that I should not blame myself.  I didn’t.  My dad did well in maintaining a close relationship with me and my brother.  My mom did well by not dating anyone while John and I were growing up.  She did this purposely so that she did not bring yet another strange person into our lives.  I think this was a huge sacrifice (not dating for 14 years!) that is not reasonable to ask of a person, but she chose to do it, and I think it helped my brother and me.  My current stepmom and stepdad have both taken very laid back approaches to their relationships with myself and John, which is much appreciated; they’ve become part of the family without being overbearing.

I wish my dad had not married again so quickly after each time he’d gotten divorced, but that was his decision to make, not mine, you know?  Obviously, most things my dad’s third wife did upset me–I wish she had taken a much more passive role in my life than what she did.  I wish she had handled her divorce from my dad in a much more mature way (she tried to get me to go against my dad and say things against him that she could use in the court battle; she sent me a book called “Why Men Cheat”; she hated my mom, but then once the divorce began, she tried to collude with my mom as a “victim” of my dad; etc.), etc.

[My advice to parents is] share time with the kids as much as possible.  I think it’s important to have both parents involved with the kids if at all possible.  If you can too, allow each other to be both the kids’ disciplinarian and fun time parent.  I ended up having a really negative view of my mom because she was mostly the disciplinarian and my dad was my hero because all we did was have fun together.

Make sure to emphasize to the kids that they are not the reason for a divorce–that is very important.  Make sure to talk to your kids as much as possible during and after the divorce about it to make sure they aren’t internalizing negative feelings, as much as you can do that.

Also, try to be civil to one another when meetings must happen. My parents were pretty good about this when my dad would come to pick me up at my mom’s house. They usually talked, even if begrudgingly at times, and that was good. It probably would’ve been much more upsetting to me if they had fought at these times, or conversely, if they had not talked at all.

If you get remarried, please encourage the stepparent to be passive and not try to replace the original parent.  I’m sure it can be difficult, but if the kids still have a relationship with the original parent, it is completely unfair for a stepparent to try to replace the parent or pressure the kids to replace their original parent with the stepparent. I mean, here’s this new person waltzing into their lives from who knows where, and for them to make demands on kids who aren’t their own is totally unreasonable, in my opinion.

There’s something my dad still refers to as the “sock wars” that was mostly between my mom and ex-stepmother. My mom would write lists of clothing that I brought to my dad’s house on the weekends so that I wouldn’t forget to bring them back home, which seems logical to me. My stepmother would find the lists and start complaining about them because she thought I should feel at home there and be able to leave clothing there, which now also seems logical to me.

However, neither of them would leave it alone. They never talked directly to each other, but griped about the other in my presence, trying to make a case as to why each one’s idea was better than the other. The socks, to me, became an extension of me and each woman’s attempt to possess me as her child. And with that, of course, came this territoriality and defensiveness, then offensiveness toward each other, and I had to hear both ends. At such a young age, I felt under tremendous pressure to please both women, but the fact that each was bad-mouthing the other showed the absurdity and futility of the sock wars and the fight over possession of me. But at that time, the whole situation was deadly serious to me.

Even though my loyalty was to my mom because she had raised me and I was more afraid of her, I still felt a strong need to please Jill (my mom had instilled that overwhelming feeling of people-pleasing in me at an early age). This symbolizes my experience of the divorce and remarriage of my dad: being pulled in both directions by my mom and stepmother, while also being ridiculed and humiliated by both, wanting to please both which was impossible, and my dad being nowhere in the picture as I recollect him standing ineffectually by letting it all happen. The “sock wars” are a symbol of all that to me.

******

Hey kids!  Don’t take your parents divorce too hard.  It’s easy for me to say now because I’m grown-up, but your parents decision to divorce was about the fact that they no longer got along with each other, not about you. Trust me, neither of them is angry or mad at you.  If you have a brother or sister, talk to them about the divorce.

Share your feelings, rely on each other to talk to if you’re not ready to talk to your parents.  And when you are ready, talk to your parents about it too.  They may be able to help you understand why they divorced better than what you’re already thinking about.  Sometimes, you may feel sad about a divorce, sometimes you might feel happy.  Your feelings will probably change over time, and that’s okay.  If you are feeling bad about it, please talk to someone you trust about your feelings–they can help you feel better.  Try to be as open with your communication with your family about divorce as you can–it is helpful to be open and honest so someone doesn’t start to feel bad and clam up about it.  And if one of your parents remarries, try to be as accepting as you can toward their new spouse.  But also remember that you have the right to express how you’re thinking and feeling about the situation, so try not to be afraid to speak up if you’re unhappy about something your new stepparent is doing.  Love yourselves and love each other!