Recently, a reader, Kelly, shared her concerns about the nature of her boyfriend’s relationship with the mother of his kids. Sherry, our kids’ future stepmom, read Kelly’s story and was moved to respond. We believe Sherry’s perspective offers encouragement and excellent advice to Kelly and to anyone dating someone who comes with kids and an ex as part of the “package”. Thanks, Sherry! Read Sherry’s response after the jump…

Hi Kelly,

I feel for your situation. My name is Sherry, and I’m the woman that, this coming June, will marry Deesha’s ex-husband, Michael, and officially become step-mother to their two, awesome little girls. Truly, I understand from experience the difficulty that you’re going through. It’s tough being the “other woman” to your partner’s children. The book Complete Idiot’s Guide to Stepparenting was great and gave me lots of advice however, it never really addressed, to me, my situation. I have no kids, had fallen in love with a man that was hell-bent on being the best father for his children that he could be prior to us meeting, and then during the course of the divorce, had made an absolute commitment with his ex-wife to continue being the best father he could post-divorce. I must say though, it would be incredibly hard to have to compete with his ex-wife too.

I feel like what needs to be done before you completely dissolve this relationship and swear off dating guys with kids, all together, is take a step back. Make sure that what you’re asking is reasonable for yourself and him. Dating a few months after he and his ex separated may have been too soon for either or both of you, The dynamic under which their separation came is important. If he didn’t want it then he may be holding onto some love lost, and if he did then he may not know how to break it off healthy. Plus, if they’re trying to sugar-coat this situation to such an extent, for the sake of their daughter, then he may not have been ready to date yet.

Now, I totally agree with you that the kissing thing is incredibly inappropriate and totally disrespectful to you. And, it’s only going to lead to hardship for the youngest child once mommy and daddy tell her. She’ll have questions that only they’ll be able answer and those responses will be hard if they’re honest with her and will have made all of the game playing seem cruel and unnecessary.

Michael and I were both on the same page as to when a meeting would take place with the kids, how that meeting would go, and, more importantly, when meeting Deesha would take place. It was very, very important to me that I meet her first so that she could see who I was and have a firm, clear understanding that I wasn’t trying to take her position away as the girls’ mother. They have a wonderful, caring, funny mother who adores them, and I respect that relationship for what it is and what it means to ALL of them.

It was also just as important to me that Michael understood that I respected his position as the girls’ father and what comes with that relationship. The dynamic between father and daughter is a special almost unbreakable one. It was hard for me at first because I didn’t have a father growing so I didn’t really understand the father/daughter dynamic.I was jealous of the time he’d spend with them on family trips and outings that I couldn’t participate in because I wasn’t plugged in yet. It was hard for me to sit back and let the transition of that situation happened particularly when I had people questioning it constantly. But I love him and wanted our situation to have the best, possible shot.

It was vital for Michael to know that I wasn’t trying to take away from his relationship with the girls, and it helped him to be more sensitive to my feelings. We were able to talk about my hurts and insecurities as well as his concerns and worries. I didn’t want to presume that he should have known what I was thinking or feeling so we came up with a way of communicating that started with being brutally honest with ourselves, then with each other. Because we were proactive about potential problems we were able to attack hurt feelings before they became resentments. We call it Brutal Honesty. You can call it whatever you like but it needs to happen. EVERYONE needs to feel validated and respected.

I love Deesha and am so glad that she’s found her Mr. Right. I love those two little girls (not so little anymore) for being able to love me and appreciate what I bring to the table and I love Michael for being able love again and choosing me. But, none of this would have worked if we ALL weren’t on the same page. Kelly, I hope that your situation works out and that everyone can come together and respect everyone’s place within that group but if if doesn’t, I hope that our situation gives you hope that with communication, understanding and patience you can have a wonderful, blended family!

Sherry