Olivia and baby Khailil

One thing we’ve learned in the course of developing CoPaernting101.org is that our family’s co-parenting story can and has inspired and encouraged others.  As divorced parents who cooperate for the sake of our kids, we are often viewed as an anomaly, but we know that we aren’t alone.  We seek out other co-parenting success stories so that they might be an encouragement to parents as well.

We also seek to reveal the diversity of the co-parenting experience.  If there are cookie-cutter co-parents out there, we haven’t met them.  Every family we meet makes cooperative parenting work in their own unique way.

I (Deesha) met Olivia about four years ago, through a mutual friend.  I knew this bright, witty woman was a mom, but only just this past month did I learn that she is also a co-parent.  I sat down with Olivia recently to talk about her co-parenting experiences, straight no chaser:

How long have you been co-parenting?
Khailil is 7 now.  His dad, Jabari, and I split up when he was almost one.  We moved back to my hometown from Seattle, and about a year later, Jabari relocated here from Seattle as well.

What led you to move back?
I was being selfish, thinking about myself and my son.  Jabari and I became distant, things just weren’t working out, and I had no support in Seattle.  I wanted Khailil to grow up amongst a close-knit family, as I did.

How did you and Jabari decide to co-parent?
Once Jabari moved here, Khailil began spending a couple of nights with him each week, plus every other weekend.  We never went to court, never even thought about court.  And we’ve never fought about money.  He sends a check each month, and when his sales commissions are cut, we reduce child support.  We made a pact to never use Khailil as a tool.  We focus on his needs.

What does co-parenting Khailil look like in practice?
One example: Two years ago, we both became involved in his school life.  Instead of just me, we really looked at his educational options together.  Jabari is also getting involved in Khailil’s discipline.  Before, it was just me being the stern one and issue his punishments.  Now I’ll tell Jabari what’s going on,  and he’ll say “Oh, really?  Then he’s on punishment at my house too.”  Now, I wish he were more proactive about that–I do most of the calling–but at least we’re on the same page.

How has Khailil responded to your shared parenting arrangement?
A couple of years ago, when he was about 4, he asked me, “Do you think you and Daddy will get back together?”  I told him, “No.  We love you, and we love each other as friends.”  He didn’t like that, but he’s accepted it.  He’s also been presented with the idea of his dad dating, and he didn’t really like that.  But he’s accepted it as well.

Jabari and I are currently in disagreement about some of his dating practices where Khailil is concerned.  We talked about it, but we are not in agreement.  Finally, I told him, “I want you to know that I’m uncomfortable with this and why I’m uncomfortable with it.  I’m not going to try and be controlling and say, ‘Well, you can’t see your kid!’  But whatever happens with this going forward, you are going to need to deal with it.’”

Why do you think co-parenting is difficult for some people?
They make it about themselves.  The kids didn’t ask to be born, they didn’t have anything to do with the break-up, or with the differences between the parents.  Parents who can’t get past the anger make it about themselves instead of about the kids and their needs.

What advice do you have for parents who can’t get past the anger and the hurt?
If you’re okay with having f—ed up kids–excuse my vernacular–then keep doing what you’re doing.  Get over it.  Otherwise, your kids won’t learn positive coping skills.  Instead, they’ll learn to be evil and spiteful and how to throw a fit.  That’s what they will do.

Jabari and I don’t like drama, and we had to choose our priorities.  People who use their kids as tools don’t really love their kids they way they’re supposed to.

I hold these expectations of the people I date as well because children aren’t just some by-product.  Every sexual relationship brings with it the possibility of pregnancy, no matter how many condoms you use.  So, you have to ask yourself, “What would you do if you got pregnant?  With this person?”

How do others react to your co-parenting relationship?
My family and friends know me, so they don’t question it.  They know I’m straightforward about everything.  Everyone whom I’ve dated has said that they respect the fact that I don’t bad-mouth my son’s father.  This is what I know: My parents stayed together, and this is how they parented; this is how I was raised.  It worked, so this is how we’re raising Khailil.

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