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The most common comment/question we receive is from girlfriends regarding their boyfriend’s kids–wanting to spend time with the kids, but the boyfriend or the children’s mother isn’t having it.  Understandably, “meeting the kids” is a Big Step in the relationship, more significant than even “meeting the parents”.  Certainly more is at stake and more has to be considered before introductions involving children take place.

So in this latest installment in our Co-Parenting and Dating series, we offer some insights for girlfriends who wish to understand what a dad might be contemplating when he decides to hold off on this Big Step.  Certainly moms weigh similar considerations, but since we’ve never received a “Why won’t she introduce me to her kids?”-type query, this one’s for the girlfriends:

“Why He Won’t Introduce You to His Kids”

You’re not on the same page. He wants the two of you to live together and have a monogamous sexual relationship.  To you, this means it’s time to meet his kids.  To him, this means…you live together and have a monogamous sexual relationship.

How long should you wait to meet the kids? First things first: Get on the same page where your relationship is concerned.  Then, ask him what his intentions are in terms of you meeting his kids; the timetable varies from parent to parent and couple to couple.  Only you can decide how long you are willing to wait, but a good rule of thumb is that if the parent can’t articulate some specific intention of making the introduction–e.g., after you’ve been dating a certain amount of time, or after the divorce has been finalized for a certain amount of time–then there’s a good chance it’s not going to happen.

He’s just not that into you. We know the truth hurts, but this is definitely a reason some guys don’t introduce a woman to his kids.  Maybe enough time has passed that he knows you well enough, but he doesn’t think he’s in it for the long-haul with you.  He’s not convinced that you’re The One.

Or maybe he’s not sure, for whatever reason, that you and his kids will hit it off.

Or maybe he felt ready to settle down, meet someone, and gradually introduce them into his children’s lives–but now he realizes that he’s not willing to take that step with you.   Maybe he wants more time to date casually, or not date at all, to figure out what he what he wants and needs in a mate.

How long should you wait to meet the kids? If this is the case with your guy, try to respect that fact that he doesn’t feel that this is a good match.  Don’t force it, and most importantly, don’t make “meeting the kids” a litmus test as a measure of the progress of your relationship, i.e., “If you’re serious about me, you’ll let me meet your kids.”  If you have to say that to a guy, chances are he’s not serious about you, and it’s time to move on.

He’s just not that into you…yet. Timing is everything when it comes to introducing the kids to Someone New.  Perhaps the two of you haven’t known each other long enough, in his estimation.  Maybe he has a specific timetable in mind (i.e., a certain number of months, a year, etc.), or maybe it’s more of a milestone thing.  How far along are you in the relationship?  How much does he know about you, your values, your way with kids?  What is your lifestyle?  Can he trust you?  Are you reliable?  Do you like kids, or do you just tolerate them?  Are you willing to accept his kids’ well-being as his top priority?  Do his children have any special needs that must be taken into consideration?

He’s not ready. As part of your guy’s divorce/break up healing, he may simply feel the need for more time before he’s emotionally ready to take this Big Step.   Maybe he thought he was ready to jump back into dating, but it turns out, he’s still emotionally raw.  Even if he was the one to initiate the break up, he may still be mourning the loss of that previous relationship, and may feel grief and sadness over how the break up has affected his children.  His ex’s post-break-up behavior towards him and around the kids may exacerbate this grief.

He’s ready, but it’s still not the right time. Even if you two are truly, madly, deeply in love, and he has no doubts,  he may have a formal or informal agreement with his ex-spouse that mandates a particular wait time/circumstances under which children will be introduced to a significant other.  Maybe they’ve agreed, as we did upon separation, to keep the children out of the potential revolving door of the parents’ dating lives.  Maybe he doesn’t feel his kids are ready for this Big Step.

How long should you wait to meet the kids? Depends.  Is he giving you some indication as to when he and/or his kids will be ready to take this step?  Can you wait without resentment or constant arguing or pressuring your guy?   Are there other ways that he demonstrates interest/commitment  such that you feel a relationship with him will be worth the wait?  If so, wait it out.  If not, move on.

His ex won’t go for it (with a possible variation on the, “He’s not that into you” theme).  It may be that your guy would love for you to meet his kids, yesterday, but he dreads having to approach his ex about it.  Your guy hates confrontation, and is putting it off as long as possible.

Or, he does a cost-benefit analysis and reasons that when he does get around to pulling the meet-my-kids trigger (and rattling his ex’s cage), it had better be for someone about whom he’s super-serious.  He may be asking himself if his relationship with you is worth his incurring the Wrath of the His Ex.  Harsh, but most cost-benefit analyses are.

How long should you wait to meet the kids? It’s one thing to wait for the sake of the kids.  After all, it’s a bad idea to ever compete with your guy’s kids–if he’s the dad he’s supposed to be, you’ll always lose.  That said, if you’re waiting and waiting just to placate his ex, that’s a problem.  After a break- up, some parents have a hard time distinguishing their feelings from their kids’.  The underlying sentiment is: “I’m not ready for you to have a new girlfriend, so this means the kids aren’t ready either”–which may not necessarily be true.  It’s one thing to be sensitive and respectful when one’s fellow co-parent isn’t thrilled about Someone New entering the picture; it’s quite another to let a jealous or angry ex dictate the progress of your relationship.  If the latter is happening and there appears to be no end in sight, it’s time to move on.

Divorce guilt. It’s not uncommon for parents–particularly, but not exclusively, non-custodial parents–to feel guilt after a divorce.  They feel that they have upset their children’s lives enough with the break up, and so they try to avoid any further disruption.  Some parents become “Disneyland Dads”, indulging their children in an attempt to make up for the break up.  Some intend to keep their dating lives private indefinitely because they worry that their kids won’t respond well to the new person, or because they want to minimize the amount of change their children face in the wake of the break up.  They want life to stay as “normal” as possible for their kids.

How long should you wait to meet the kids? Maybe over time your guy’s guilt will subside.  Maybe his fellow co-parent will be the first to introduce the kids to a significant other, and then he will feel more comfortable following suit.  Again, only you know how long you are willing to wait.  Can you wait without resentment or constant arguing or pressuring your guy?   If so, wait it out.  If not, move on.

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We don’t mean to be flippant or harsh in this assessment, but when kids’ well-being is at stake, it’s quite natural for a parent to err on the side of caution, and that may require the significant other to wait it out.  Parents owe it to their kids to be thoughtful as to whom they bring around their children, when, and in what context.  This doesn’t always feel fair to the new person, and certainly no one wants to feel “hidden” and like a second-class citizen forever.  But sometimes dating someone with kids is a waiting game, an endurance test that’s simply not for everyone.  Like so many aspects of co-parenting…it ain’t easy.  It requires lots of maturity and patience and honest communication, sometimes with no guarantee of a relationship at the end to make it all worth it.

On that note, here are some posts from the archives penned by Sherry–Mike’s new wife and our children’s stepmother–about her experiences as the “waiting” girlfriend:

A Response to “I’m Just the Sideline Girlfriend”

“It’s All About the Kids”

Finally, take it from both of us: Remember that once you do introduce kids into your new relationship, you will have less couple/alone time than you did before.  So enjoy the wait and make the most of this time to have each other all to yourselves!

Related:

Step-Dating: An Interview with Step and Blended Family Institute Co-Founder, Yvonne Kelly

Co-Parenting and Dating: Boyfriends and “BabyMamas”