Perhaps it was the poet and philosopher Sir Charles Barkley who said it most famously in 1993: “I am not a role model.” Since then, other athletes, musicians, actors, and random “socialite” heiresses have told us  with their words and deeds, “Raise your own damn kids.  Not my job.”  Let’s save the debate over that issue for another time.  Instead, let’s talk about how you are without question your child’s primary role model, and about how the children are always, always watching.  As a co-parent, what are you modeling for your child?

If your child sees you healing, forgiving, and moving on past the problems that contributed to your break up, you are modeling healing, peace, strength, grace, and resilience.

If your child sees you willfully and still deeply mired in the disappointments, hurts, and betrayals that contributed to your break up, you are modeling bitterness,  immaturity, self-pity, and an inability to persevere and move on.

If your child sees you asking for forgiveness or otherwise making amends for the problems that contributed to your break up, you are modeling peace, maturity, and humility.

If your child sees you lying about your ex to rally pity or support from your friends and relatives, you are modeling dishonesty and spitefulness.

If your child sees you taking your share of the responsibility for the break up, you are modeling honesty, maturity and responsibility.

If your child sees you always complaining about money, always spending, or obsessing about what your ex is spending, you are modeling that money is more important than anything else.

If your child sees you spending frivolously, spending above your means, or not contributing to her care and well-being, you are modeling misplaced priorities and financial irresponsibility.

If your child sees you managing money wisely and making do when money is tight, you are modeling good stewardship and financial responsibility.

If your child sees you consistently putting your needs and wants before his needs, you are modeling selfishness and irresponsibility.

If your child sees you aiming to balance both your needs and his, erring on the side of meeting his needs, you are modeling good parenting, appropriate sacrifice, and self-care.

If your child sees the revolving door of your dating life, with new “prospects” always coming and going, you are modeling indiscretion and the idea that people are expendable or interchangeable.

If your child sees you being selective about whom you choose to introduce her to and in what capacity, you are modeling prudence, patience, and good judgment.

If your child sees you playing tit for tat with your uncooperative ex, you are modeling how to live in a constant state of conflict.

If your child sees you being the bigger parent on occasion in the face of your ex’s refusal to play nice, you are modeling flexibility and  how to choose your battles.

If your child sees you being a doormat who rarely if ever asserts himself or speaks up on the child’s behalf, you are modeling passivity and how to stew in silence.

If your child sees you gossiping about your ex, your ex’s family, or your ex’s new significant other, you are modeling small-mindedness and sour grapes.

If your child sees you holding your tongue, you are modeling discretion and civility.

If your child sees you being difficult and disagreeable with your ex in “little” ways (arguing about missing socks, or ignoring requests for schedule changes, e.g.), you are modeling pettiness and passive-aggressive behavior.

If your child sees you working civilly with your fellow co-parent to mind the details of your child’s care and well-being, you are modeling teamwork, appropriate compromise, and cooperation.

Now, it’s not always easy to do the right thing, and we all have our days.  But each day is a new opportunity to set a good example.  So…what will your child see in you today?