In the three previous parts of his co-parenting story (links at the end of this part), guest-blogger Carey discussed his “two separate lives” with two women and their children by him.  In this final installment, he provides a post-script to how things turned out after those “two lives” collided:

Looking back, I’ve often wondered why the mothers of my children didn’t treat me differently upon finding out my secret. At that time, neither of them shut the door on me or called me dirty names.  I continued to live a life with two families.

But a day came when I had to make a choice. Obviously at that time I had not matured, and I was trying to take the easy way out by having either Rita* or Debbie* make the choice for me. But neither ran off, and I had to grow up.   So I honored my commitment with Debbie, and we eventually got married. We were married for nearly 35 years. She passed away a few years ago after a battle with cancer.  (*names changed)

Rita took an early discharge from the military and vanished with my son. At that time, the emotional journey was too much for her to handle. My wife was sympathetic to her pain and that of mine. I had “lost” a son, and Debbie insisted that I find them. I was able to track them down through military channels. They were living in a state far from mine. The following years were a learning process.

Debbie told me later in our marriage that she always thought Rita was more attractive than her. She also confided in me that since Rita had my first-born son (I had another son with Debbie later) that my sense of responsibility to that boy would pull me away. I also later learned that this was one of the reasons Debbie agreed to let my son come and live with us for periods longer than summer vacations–this would mean less visits on my part to Rita’s house. My son’s high school years were spent with us; summers with his mother.

I’ve now come to appreciate how strong these women were and how they played a vital role in the development of our children.  I never faced the drama of the “other” woman making demands.   Debbie and Rita were never in each other’s company, although they had to talk to each other on the phone on numerous occasions because of the children.  I think they handled things they way they did partly because they were mature adults and had compassion and respect for each other’s dilemma. More so, I now believe it also had something to do with the fathers in their own lives. Each woman had a different story. Debbie’s father left the home when she was a child. There were issues in Rita’s childhood as well. Hence, they knew the importance of having a father in a child’s life even though co-parenting puts a strain on those dynamics. I’ve come to believe it’s just as important that a good man be in the life of a young girl, as a young boy. I’ve met women who have said they’ve never been around good men, including their fathers, and therefore thought all men were the same – bad.

Of course children try to throw parents into the middle of their complaints, and mine were no different. Once my son called Rita to tell her that Debbie had “spanked” him. Well, Rita told him that if he ever calls her again in regards to Debbie spanking him, that she was going to tell her to spank him again – for her.

Another time my son called his mother and told her that I made him walk to school. I never got a ride to school and thought the distance wasn’t too far. Debbie called me and asked about his situation. I told her I might have been living in the past–“Boy, I walked 10 miles to school”–and decided to change my view. It was a pretty long distance. So I decided to buy him a bicycle. He said he would never be caught dead riding a bike to school; that was for nerds. The bike was used for short runs to the store, and he walked to school ….he didn’t die.

Rita called me one day and said, “So, you have a big house.  Is it bigger than mine?” I guess my son made the crucial mistake of saying something nice about my home and about Debbie to his mother. Heck, I had no choice but to purchase a larger home when the children started eating more and getting bigger. Before the new purchase, it was no big deal for boys and girls to sleep in the same room. But when my daughter begin to develop, we knew it was time to make a change.  I don’t know how this goes in other co-parenting households, but it was a sticky issue in mine. I don’t know if women are more comfortable thinking the other woman is a poor mother that doesn’t clean her home or what. But it’s been my experience that women don’t want to hear anything good about the other woman.

The problems of co-parenting are not solely related to the relationship of the parents. We thrust children together that have different parents or at least one different parent and expect them to get along just fine. More times than not, this is not the case. Children can be cruel. My son with Rita once told me that my other children told him that his mother tried to steal “their” father from their mother. My children by Debbie, once told me that I let Rita’s son get away with murder. I wonder if we do that? I wonder if we overly protect the child that is away from his other parent? I do know that Debbie went out of her way to show love to my son. She would ask him what dinner he would like for her to cook and I will never forget, it was tuna casserole. Every time it was tuna casserole. I never liked tuna casserole.

Even with occasional bumps in the road, I look back and have regrets that I didn’t voice my appreciation to Debbie and Rita more than I did.

Today, I am a lonely grandfather. Reflecting on my past, I probably would change some things. But I wonder what I would change and if that would be a good thing. I was watching the movie “Benjamin Button” and there was a scene that stuck in my mind. It was a scene in which one of the characters was hit by a moving car. In the movie, the viewer had a chance to see all the different factors involved in reaching one defining moment in life. For instance, what would have happened if the driver of the car hadn’t stop to pick up a package? Also, the woman that was hit by the car was detained in her apartment. What would have happened if she hadn’t misplaced her keys?

Maybe most events happen for a reason when we try to do the right thing. Maybe my purpose in life is to tell my story. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and maybe others can learn from them. I love being a father, and there’s nothing I would change about that.

I wouldn’t change a whole lot about my life, including co-parenting. I look forward to building on the things I’ve learned through that experience, and I hope I am a better co-grandparent because of it.

Thanks for reading along.

Carey blogs at “Carry Me Home” and lives in the Midwest.

Related:

Part 1, BabyMama Drama…”Not Your Typical Story”

Part2, BabyMama Drama…”Not Your Typical Story”

Part 3, BabyMama Drama…”Not Your Typical Story”

Co-Parenting and Dating: Boyfriends and “BabyMamas”

Co-Parenting and Dating: “When You, Me, and the Ex Make Three”