You wrote: I am just so confused I don’t know how to make everyone happy. The bad news perhaps, from your perspective, is that it’s not possible to make everyone around you happy. The good news is that it’s not your job to make everyone around you happy. Your job is to love your daughter and act in her best interest. The adults–your boyfriend and your child’s father–are responsible for their own happiness.

The sentiment you expressed, that you sometimes just want to be alone with your child and not worry about another parental figure, is not uncommon among single parents. But here are a few things to keep in mind: 1) Others can help you bear the parenting load and can relieve you when you need a break. Beyond that, each parent or other special person may have something unique and enriching to offer a child; 2) unless your ex poses a threat to your child that you can prove, he still has parental rights unless a court rules otherwise. Your boyfriend is certainly entitled to his hurt feelings, but unless your ex’s parental rights are terminated, any “fathering” role your boyfriend could potentially take in the future would be secondary if your ex decides to participate in your child’s life. If your ex poses no harm and can be a reliable and healthy presence in your child’s life, then all the adults involved will need to honor and respect his role as your child’s father.

You can certainly raise any concerns you may have e.g., re: your ex’s fitness, your daughter’s young age, and the fact that her father is stranger to her, when/if you begin to work out a parenting time agreement. Which leads me to 3) You didn’t say what your ex specifically wants in terms of being a part of your daughter’s life now. I would encourage you to draft a formal agreement and submit it to family court. Such an agreement will address parenting time allotted, whether such time will be supervised, how/if the agreement will be modified as your daughter gets older, and other details. Consult an attorney or local family court officials for advice on this process.

Finally, there are multiple relationships here, and it’s in your daughter’s best interest that the boundaries between each of them are respected. You’ve done the hard work of moving on from your ex. The intimate relationship between the two of you is over, but a relationship between father and daughter is possible…which will necessitate some degree of a co-parenting partnership between you and your ex. Then there’s the potential relationship between your boyfriend and your child; I hope he can see a role for himself outside of fathering IF your relationship with him progresses. As you acknowledged, you’ve only been together for 2 months, so you’re still getting to know one another. Whether your ex showed up or not, talk of a fathering role for your boyfriend sounds awfully premature at this point.

Best to you,
~Deesha