A recent comment from Jean on the “My Boyfriend, His Kids, and His Ex…” post:
I have been dating this guy for a year. He only gets to see his kids on the weekends. His girls are 14 and 16. I keep asking to meet his girls, but he keeps saying he doesn’t know if he or the girls are ready. I keep bringing it up every month since March and we almost break up because he keeps saying he needs time to think. We struggle seeing each other because he has to be with the girls every weekend. It would be so much easier if we could do things together. He tells me that they just never talk about him dating so he never talks about it. This just drives me nuts that he will not allow me to meet them. It makes me feel that he is hiding me and that our relationship is not very meaningful to him. I think he only wants to introduce the girls to me when he is ready, but he avoids conflict and I have a gut feeling it will never happen.
My question is how long do I wait for him to introduce me to his girls.Everyone I talk to says its weird and he just doesn’t care about me. I am 43 years old and I want to get remarried. He just turned 45 and has told me that someday he does want to get married. What do I do? How long do I wait?
Hi, Jean,
I’m with your friends and your gut on this one. It doesn’t sound like this guy is interested in the kind of commitment that would lead to marriage and, of course, meeting his kids.
If you’ve dated a year exclusively, and he has been divorced from/broken up with his ex at least that long, at the very least he should have a specific time frame–I’m talking a date on the calendar or a particular milestone in your relationship–in which he intends to introduce you to his kids. If he can’t offer that, I say it’s time to move on.
Now, assuming he’s being honest, I can empathize with his desire to avoid conflict where his kids are concerned. But learning to manage conflict and cope with disappointment are a part of life and growing up–lessons his kids will need to learn whether he dates or not. However, if he intends to manufacture a false reality for them–one in which dad does not date–then at the very least he needs to tell you straight up that that’s what he intends to do indefinitely, or until his kids are a particular age, or whatever he’s planning to do. Then the ball is in your court to decide whether or not to stick around in the shadows until then.
Many co-parents who want to be sensitive to their children’s needs and feelings take a different tack and gently approach the subject of dating with their children, introducing someone new as a friend first; gradually allowing the new person to have a more substantive, regular presence in the children’s life; and then ushering in the idea of the couple relationship–or some variation on that general theme.
Finally, I think it’s a cop out for your boyfriend to say that since his kids aren’t mentioning the idea of him dating, he won’t either. Many kids don’t relish the idea of their parents finding other partners, because they have the understandable fantasy of their parents getting back together. So if he’s waiting for the kids to broach the subject of him dating first, he could be waiting forever. And of course that’s his prerogative. Some co-parents opt not to date until their kids are in high school or out of the house. Or to date secretly until such time. Maybe that’s your boyfriend’s intention. Either way, only you can decide how long you are willing to wait. But from the few details you’ve provided, my gut says that you may be waiting in vain.
Peace to you,
~Deesha
Related:
I have to look at this from the viewpoint of the father. Introducing your children to a “girlfriend” is a slippery slope. A year is a relatively short time to develope a lasting relationship. If the children get attached to the new mate and the relationship does not survive a new set of problems occur.
Again, a year is not a long time imo. Also, when marriage is mentioned within a year of a new relationship, some men tread lightly.
Great question!!
My question is: what do his daughters feel?
Personally, I think it’s a bit deceptive to NOT tell his girls that he’s dating…. Moreover, these teens are old enough to say whether or not they want to meet the girlfriend. Maybe he could sit them down and ask them how they feel/what they’d like to do?
I am with the father for the most part. The father should let the kids know he is dating, but be cautious about introducing anyone he is absolutely serious about. A year is not a very long time and this woman sounds like she is pushing to get hitched instead of pushing to be a partner. Is getting married more important that establishing a good foundation and being patient. With that said– the kids are 14 and 16. Don’t they spend time with friends and sleep over?
Hi, J. Sumitta,
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your insights. Too often the strong desire to marry trumps sound judgment. And in some cases, sadly, it’s even the strong desire for a *wedding*. But, that’s another rant for another day.
Best,
~Deesha
I am in the same situation. I have been dating this guy for just over a year and want to take the relationship to the next level i.e. to meet the kids aged 11 and 8. But he tells me I am rushing things just to have kids with him as I don’t have kids and would like to have kids. This is not the case but is something I have to think about as I don’t want kids when I am 40. I am 33 and feel the longer he waits to introduce me to his kids the longer it takes for us to get married, settle down and start a family. Maybe I am completely wrong on this. Any comments/suggestions will be appreciated.
Hi, Petricia:
We aren’t ignoring your comment. We’re preparing a response for an upcoming post because your question/situation is a fairly common one, and we want to do it justice.
Best,
~Deesha