So, you’ve gotten divorced. Between you and your ex, things were, understandably, rough at the onset of the separation, a bit heated during the legal proceedings, and then still awkward and raw once the ink was dry on your divorce decree.
Some time passed, a few months, a year, and life settled down into a routine ruled in large part by your custody calendar–the kids’ days and nights with you and your co-parent, weekends, holidays, special events. In time and in the midst of the day-to-day-ness of parenting, you and your former spouse/partner establish a solid “working” relationship on behalf of your kids. You communicate regularly; you’re flexible and agreeable. Maybe, eventually, the two of you even become…friendly. Soon, you settle into a peaceful co-parenting co-existence. You get along so well, friends and colleagues marvel. Most importantly, your kids are happy and stable. Then…
…you meet someone new. After a reasonably long courtship and after the kids have adjusted, you decide that your Someone New is The One. You marry. You’re happy. Your former spouse is happy for you–truly. The kids adjust some more, as their connection with your new spouse evolves into a step-parent-step-child relationship, and that seems to be going well too.
Everything is fine.
Well, almost everything.
Your new spouse is none too pleased with how “close” you are with your co-parent. That impressive, cooperative co-parenting relationship you’ve worked so hard to cultivate with your ex? Your new wife (or husband) isn’t impressed.
According to Yvonne Kelly, stepfamily coach, counselor, and founder of The Step and Blended Family Institute, whether you have a rocky or rosy co-parenting relationship, a new spouse entering into the picture might chafe against it. “The working together of the exes,” she says, “can be perceived and experienced as threatening or at least downright annoying to the new person.”
To some extent, the problem is one of insecurity of the part of the new step-parent, in the face of the closeness of the former partners as co-parents. However, part of the problem is also the inability of the step-parent–and perhaps other members of the family as well–to imagine how the step-parent fits into the family equation. If things are going so smoothly with the care-taking of the children, where does she fit in? What role can he play?
Conversely, when the former couple is at odds, the step-parent knows exactly where s/he fits in. Says Kelly, “The new couple, in this case, is more solid and united in their ‘war’, for lack of a better word, with the ‘ex’. This isn’t necessarily the healthiest way for a couple to bound–over their mutual dislike of the [former spouse], but it sets up boundaries that do work at some level for the new couple. ”
Step-parents need the reassurance that cooperative parenting after divorce is indeed a good thing that will ultimately benefit everyone, but they also need the validation and recognition of their feeling out of the loop, of not sharing the bond that the spouse shares with the former spouse because of the children.
Are you a co-parent or step-parent who has experienced this dilemma in your family? How did you address it? We’d love to hear your story!
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In my situation, active father to my kids and soon to be step-parent, this is a very realistic dilemma for me. There are two distinct roles that I play, one being a primary parent to my kids and the other being a secondary parent to my fiancee’s. Without formal discussion on the subject we have each settled into a supportive position when it pertains to dealing with our exes and the kids. Not just as sounding boards for one another we also offer up our opinions on most matters. At times we agree on how the other should proceed and at times we do not. We are secure when we don’t agree because the reality is that there is a hierarchy and we know our places.
[...] Read on to learn more about “The Step-Parent’s Dilemma” Deesha Philyaw is a Pittsburgh-based freelance writer whose publication credits include Essence, Bitch, and Wondertime magazines, and The Washington Post. In addition to freelancing and teaching, Deesha is the co-founder, along with her ex-husband, of CoParenting101.org, a resource for parents striving to raise their children together, cooperatively, after divorce or separation. SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "When Co-Parenting Goes…Right: “The Step-Parent’s Dilemma”", url: "http://www.weparent.com/2009/06/when-co-parenting-goesright-the-step-parents-dilemma/" }); [...]
My fiance and I live together, I have sole custody of two teenagers and limited contact with my ex. My fiance has joint custody of three small children. His ex refuses to accept me on any level and will not discuss the children with me, stating that “there is nothing in the JPA that requires me to co-parent with her, and therefore, I will not”. It is not my expectation to co parent with her.
I have made every effort to extend the proverbial olive branch and only want a peaceful, stable and healthy environment for our children. She is very rude toward me, without cause. She is hostile and bitter toward my fiance and has been exceedingly immature. I cannot understand her behavior, as she is the one who wanted the divorce, got everything she wanted in the settlement and is generously provided for; she recieves $7,500.00 per month in child support and maintenance, yet she continues to create drama, lie, threaten and manipulate.
I need help in trying to understand the bitter ex wife perspective, and what my role is. I need some boundaries here.
Hi, Susan,
Thanks for stopping by. Your experience is all-too-common, and really unfortunate, particularly when the ugly behavior is apparent to the kids.
As for the “bitter ex-wife perspective”, below are some possibilities based on what I’ve read and on the experiences of a co-parenting dad I know:
1. She’s suffering from, “I don’t want you, but I don’t want anyone else to have you either” syndrome.
2. Disappointment Maybe she didn’t think your fiance would bounce back, personally or financially, after the divorce. Maybe she got everything she wanted in the settlement–except his eternal misery. Maybe she thought she’d be happier post-divorce, but isn’t, and is lashing out at your fiance. Misery loves company. Is she involved with anyone? If not, maybe she’s upset about that too. Sometimes people leave marriages with a lot of assumptions about how easy it will be to find another mate, a better mate, and when this turns out not to be the case, they are devastated. But again, the anger at your ex is misplaced in this regard.
3. Grief. It’s not uncommon for the person who initiated the divorce to also mourn the loss of the marriage. In this case, she’s acting out as part of her grief process. That doesn’t excuse her behavior, but perhaps explains it. She needs to find a healthier way to deal with her grief so that she can get past it.
4. Perhaps you don’t know the whole story. Maybe there are details about their marriage/break up that your fiance hasn’t shared with you? I know of a woman who divorced after years of her husband’s infidelity–and an STD “gift” that keeps on giving, which hinders her ability to find a new mate. Her bitterness knows no bounds. I’m not saying that this is the case with your fiance, nor that someone should stay bitter forever in a case like this, however.
5. Desire to punish the ex-spouse who has moved on to a new relationship. Perhaps she views your fiance’s failings in the marriage as having “forced” her to file for divorce, and now she wants to punish him for “making” her do that. Or punish him for all the years she put up with whatever crap she feels she put up with for so long.
Your role? Play it peaceful, play it neutral. For example, if she calls you raging, don’t rage back. Tell her that when she can speak respectfully, you will speak to her; if not, hang up on her. As difficult as it is, remember that it is the ex that has a problem–be it anger, jealousy, or disappointment–so don’t own her stuff by getting entangled in it. Meaning…To the extent that you can, don’t give her a reaction or a forum for her b.s. Be the bigger person. Try to take the long-view of at least a decade or more of step-parenting these children. That’s a long time to be engaged in a battle. Remember too that the kids are watching–model cooperation and peace. Vent when you need to–to your fiance, to your friends and family–but only out of earshot of the kids. Enlist your fiance to deal with his ex when her behavior warrants a response.
An attorney or your local family court can advise your fiance better on this, but it may be possible for him to get a verbal restraining order from the court keep his ex from making disparaging, threatening, and other inappropriate remarks to and in front of the children about you and your fiance.
Best to your family,
~Deesha
Susan,
I thought of one other possibility. Your fiance’s ex-wife might be bothered or intimidated if you (or even if your fiance) have a good relationship with this kids. It’s natural that she might feel somewhat uncomfortable with/nervous about someone else playing a mom-like role in her kids’ lives, but beyond those normal feelings, she may think that if she doesn’t like you and your fiance, the kids shouldn’t either. This is another possible source of her bitterness.
In my case i had a good relationship with my ex (male)who i have a daughter with but his new partner (female)is very hostile towards me and does not want to resolve the conflict that has arisen between her and me. i have asked her to have coffee with me and she refused, i asked her to attend mediation and she refused but she keeps being offended by my views and this causes conflict with my ex who supports her 100%. For example she is offended because i want to have first option of care for my kids if my ex is away. i want to be able to discuss this with her explain where i am coming from and why its important to me and sort out the conflict. i am even willing to compromise on what i want for a good relationship between me and her and i don’t understand why she isn’t intersted.
Lily wrote: i am even willing to compromise on what i want for a good relationship between me and her and i don’t understand why she isn’t intersted.
Hi, Lily,
I can’t fathom situations like this either. Short of your disappearing completely, there are some new partners and ex-partners that will never be satisfied. If I had to guess, I would say that her refusal to connect with you is her way of drawing a clear “out with the old, in with the new” line in the sand–albeit a problematic line to the extent that she’s unwilling to meet you halfway. If only grown-ups could realize that the focus should be on the kids–it’s not like you’re trying to be her BFF just for kicks. Plus, if she’s at all insecure about herself and/or her new relationship, and/or resentful that you and your ex have a good relationship, that likely adds fuel to the fire of her hostility.
Some people simply thrive on conflict. It’s a failure of imagination to think that we have to settle into these made-for-catfighting roles, instead of more peaceful, civilized ones.
Best to you,
~Deesha