Virginia divorce attorney, Julie Hottle Day, was kind enough to take time out of her busy schedule to answer questions we posed about divorce, custody, and high-conflict co-parenting. Here’s part 2 of the interview (link to part 1 follows):
As you can imagine, we rarely hear from two “difficult” parents–it’s always one “concerned” parent struggling to share custody with a “difficult” parent. Is this what you see in your practice as well, or is lack of cooperation on the part of both parents more prevalent? What additional advice do you have for the “cooperative” parent who is dealing with a “difficult” parent?
Typically, yes, it’s one party who is difficult and the other party is left to cope with that behavior, along with its emotional, legal and financial fallout. I do caution those clients who are the “cooperative” party to keep from falling into patterns of behavior which are reactive to the difficult behavior and can perpetuate the problems. Unfortunately for the cooperative party, he or she carries a heavy burden to take the high road in the face of difficult behavior. The best thing that I can advise them to do is document the difficult behavior. There are two reasons for this advice: first, it can be therapeutic just to get it out onto paper or into the computer so that it’s out of your head, but also the documentation will create a record of bad behavior that may help support an action to modify the custodial arrangements.
What advice do you have for the “difficult” parent?
Two things, primarily: First, always remember that the court wants to see that each parent is putting the best interests of the children first whenever the case is brought back for modification, and ask yourself whether your action is motivated by their best interests or your own purposes; second, try means of communication other than to face to face or telephone conversations to help take the heat out of interaction between co-parents. Text messaging and emails, if carefully thought out before the send button is hit, can be excellent tools to help co-parents communicate with less emotional involvement. It’s critical, though, to choose words very carefully before hitting that send button.
Shifting gears…You began your career as a business attorney, and you now draw on that prior experience for the benefit of some of your divorce clients. How does your business background help your clients?
One of the most important gifts a divorce attorney can give a client is to not become emotionally involved in the case. The client is fully emotionally involved and needs his or her legal advisor to remain sufficiently impartial in order to provide analysis of both sides of any of the myriad issues facing divorcing parties. Part of my business background involves the dissolution of corporations and partnerships. That work is wholly analogous to what happens during the dissolution of a marriage. Many of the issues are the same, as well. I counsel my clients, in fact, that it might help them to view the distribution of their marital estate as the dissolution of a business partnership. That does not exclude the legitimacy of their emotional involvement – for that I will frequently refer them to counseling if they are not already in it – but it keeps the focus of the case on issues for which the courts have a remedy. It also helps the client to think about the future, and how the outcome of the divorce case will affect the members of the divorcing family financially and emotionally for the next 10, 20, 40 years. On more than one occasion clients have come in the door wanting their “day in court” or expecting the court to do something that will amount to disciplining their spouse. Those are emotional needs that the court, which is limited to considering only issues permitted by statute in the manner dictated by that statute, simply is not equipped to address or remedy. My business background assists me in helping my clients maintain appropriate focus and expectations during the legal phase of a divorce.
Finally, what would you say are common mistakes co-parents make during the divorce process and the aftermath? What are some positive steps a co-parent can take to help his child/ren during this process and after?
First, I have to say that I really, really love the term “co-parent”. The term was not in use at all when I began practicing in 1991 and has only become common in the last several years in my area. However, that one word sums up the new relationship of the divorcing parties far more effectively than “ex-husband” or “ex-wife”. It is automatically inclusive and sets the clear expectation that the parties will work together with the best interests of their children as their foremost goal. I try to introduce it into the vocabulary of my clients immediately for these reasons.
Conversely, it’s the failure to think as a co-parent that is the biggest mistake I see made by divorcing couples. Indicia of this failure range from announcing the divorce to children without sufficient guidance or support to the trauma inflicted on everyone when the parents are in an uncontrolled, high conflict relationship. Regarding your children’s interests from the perspective of being a co-parent rather than a divorced adult leads to better decision making on behalf of the children, whether it means keeping better lines of communication with your co-parent, engaging in post-divorce counseling, or deciding whether or not to take that new job in another state.
For specific common mistakes, beyond not treating each other with common courtesy, a big one I see is trying to talk things out and making divorce related decisions without having consulted with an attorney first. While there is an array of alternative dispute resolution options for divorcing couples, each party should still endeavor to inform him- or herself of what rights are accorded to divorcing parties under the laws of their jurisdiction before engaging in alternative dispute resolution. Any such consultation should include review of the various custody and visitation options available, and the impact of those options upon such issues as decision making regarding the children and child support. Another good idea is to consult with a financial planner, preferably one certified in divorce planning or analysis, to determine future financial needs, including support, once the marital estate is distributed between the parties.
It’s very important that co-parents treat each other with as much dignity as possible, especially in the presence of the children, and remain attuned to the needs of the children together. They need to make clear to schools and medical providers that they are working together on behalf of their children, and both should stay involved with the professionals who work with their children on a regular basis. The children will know that, no matter what goes on between Mom and Dad, there is still a support system working behind the scenes and watching over them. Co-parents can engage in such supportive activity even when they are in a high conflict relationship because they do not have to be physically together to engage in such activity.
Julie Hottle Day’s divorce practice confines itself to Virginia, so her comments should be taken with that in mind. However, many issues facing co-parents really involve common sense as applied in a legal framework, and a common sense solution can be applied in any number of settings so long as it does not run afoul of local law and procedure. Her comments in this article are general in nature, and should not take the place of the advice of competent counsel in the reader’s home jurisdiction.
BIOGRAPHY
Julie Hottle Day, a longtime Virginia practitioner, represents parties in family law litigation and small business transactions and litigation. Julie brings a business sensibility to her divorce practice which benefits her clients in the short and long term. She prides herself in her reputation as an honest, hardworking attorney who keeps her clients well informed, and believes that a client who is well informed is a client well served.
Ms. Day, an active member of the Virginia State Bar since 1991, is also admitted to the Maryland State Bar and to practice before the United States Supreme Court. She has conducted litigation in the Virginia counties of Fairfax, Arlington, Prince William, Loudoun, Fauquier, Culpeper and Orange. Noted for her diplomacy and skill in drafting prenuptial agreements by Washingtonian Magazine in 2005, she was named by that publication as one of the top 88 divorce lawyers in the Washington, D.C. area in 2009.
Ms. Day is a member of the Business and Divorce Sections of the Virginia State Bar; the Virginia Trial Lawyers Association; the National Association of Woman Lawyers; and is an associate member of the Fauquier Bar Association. She is also a frequent public speaker, addressing business and divorce issues as well as work-life balance for attorneys.
Ms. Day is a 1991 graduate of the Washington & Lee University School of law, where she was a member of the Phi Delta Phi legal fraternity. She is a 1988 cum laude graduate of Lycoming College in Williamsport, Pennsylvania.
A native Virginian, Ms. Day now resides in the Washington, D.C. area with her husband and their two children.
Related:
Interview with Divorce Attorney Julie Hottle Day, Part 1
A Family Law Attorney on Co-Parenting: Interview with Jacqueline Omotalade
When Co-Parents Collide: An Interview with Parenting Coordinator, Brooke Randolph