Carolyn and son Nolan
Many thanks to Carolyn at thegrownupchild.ca (“for the grown up child of divorce – a practical guide and place to rant”) for permission to repost this frank and challenging blog entry. Read it and ask yourself if you are really co-parenting, or doing “just enough.” Your answer makes a world of difference to your child…
Co-parenting is all the rage for divorced parents. With Bruce Willis and Demi Moore as it’s poster children; it calls for parents to work together in the same manner they would had they remained married with respect to their parenting roles. And as difficult as it must be, the experts are unanimous in their agreement that this is what’s healthiest for children of divorce.
And indeed it must be difficult. Because true co-parenting is a completely selfless act. One must communicate positively with their ex partner on an in depth and regular basis with regards to their children. And success requires one to put all of their hurt, anger, sadness and pretense aside for the sake of it’s cause. It is a test of strength. Because if a couple’s communication was all that effective to begin with, chances are they would be parenting as opposed to co-parenting.
And although most divorced parents consider themselves to be co-parenting, I would venture to say that they are wrong. It might start out that way depending on how old the child or children were when the divorce occurred. But all too soon divorced parent’s conversations boil down to one subject and manner of speaking. Putting on a civil face and cordially discussing visitation details. And that’s not co-parenting.
I think of all the things I do for my children as their mother. Not just feeding, dressing, bathing and ensuring their safety, although those roles are essential. I’m referring to all the times that I serve as their ‘representation’. When I notice my son has an interest in something and talk to my husband about putting him in an organized activity. Or explaining to my husband that our son expressed being really hurt when he didn’t follow through with something. Resolving issues and improving their lives by discussing things with my partner that my children aren’t mature enough to bring up for themselves. That’s co-parenting.
I met a woman last weekend who was telling me about her nine year old stepson. He lives with her and her husband and although his mother lives a three hour drive away, he takes the train to see her every other weekend. I commented how the arrangement must make it very difficult for him to participate in extracurricular activities or spend time with friends. Her reply was that he had asked this past year to participate in hockey but they didn’t end up registering him. The reason was because they told him he first needed to call his mom and tell her that he wanted to play hockey and that although it would impinge on his visitation schedule, he wanted to play anyway. He never made the phone call.
I could see this woman’s side of it. Wanting her stepson’s mother to know that hockey was his own choice and not some evil plot by her and her husband to limit the boy’s visits. But I saw his side better. And asking a child, especially a child of divorce, to put their own needs above a parent’s and then be brave enough to articulate that to said parent….well you might as well point him in the direction of Mount Everest and say ‘once you’ve climbed THAT you can play hockey’.
That’s not co-parenting. Co-parenting involves being your child’s voice, their representation to your ex. It’s not just being civil, it’s being partners. Maybe that feels too much like being married. Maybe it’s easier to pawn the job off to the child. Cowardly placing them in front of you like some shield and charging them with doing your work for you. Easier sure, but not appropriate. Not right. And definitely not co-parenting.
Read more about Carolyn and her important insights as a grown-up child of divorce at TheGrownUpChild.ca.
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Great post. I actually read it previously at TheGrowUpChild. I agree with your suggestion that there was another way for the parents to handle the situation you describe. And while I understand and also agree with the larger point you’re making about what the purest form of co-parenting may look like, I resist the definition of people’s efforts to co-parent, even if at that time, it shows up as mere civility, as not co-parenting. Few of us, if any, get this parenting thing down perfectly. Co-parenting is the same, imho. It’s a process. For many, it’s an aspiration. But, thinking of ourselves as co-parents, even when we are doing it imperfectly, may speak to the possibilities we are creating for ourselves and for our children. Speaking it creates a space for parents to step into. And, with support, coaching, experience and time, perhaps they will.
With all of that said, your assessment does a lot to bring home that this really is about our children. And whether you are fooling yourself into believing that you’re co-parenting as your post suggests many of us may do, or you are effectively co-parenting, the question is, “How is how you’re being impacting your children?” Thanks for bringing that front and center.
I’ll be following you at TheGrownUpChild!