A co-parenting dad writes:
“After two-and-a-half years of attempting to co-parent with a uncooperative ex who refuses to communicate with me, who doesn’t attend to our children’s emotional and physical well-being nor to their educational needs, and who persists in dragging our kids into the middle of our conflict–I have filed to modify our custody arrangement from joint custody (50-50) to sole physical custody. What is the best way to talk to my kids, age 10 and 12, about this?”
For an answer, we turned to Indiana-based licensed mental health counselor/therapist and parenting coordinator, Brooke Randolph:
Dad may need to tell the kids that he’s concerned about their safety and peace of mind and would like them to have the consistency of living with him. It is definitely wise to reassure that he is not trying to keep them from their mother and to explain all the ways they will still have contact (visits, phone calls, email) and any special provisions (if they are allowed to call mom any time when only allowed to call friends before 9pm for example). He should let them know that as the parent he thought this was the best thing for them so he has already discussed it with his attorney (letting them know there is no option), but he should ask how they feel about the situation or their opinion; be an open parent. It would also be helpful to explain the court process as much as possible to the kids so they know what to expect and who all the people involved are.
Learn more about parenting coordination and about Brooke Randolph’s professional services here.
Related:
You Are Not Charles Barkley…Or, Why You Must Cooperate With Your Ex
This is a very interesting topic …50-50 Vs sole custody. Last week I rode in a car wife a woman that has sole custody but the father pays child support.
Am I looking at this the right way? Does sole custody give one parent more rights than the other?
The women was complaining because the father has been threatening to file for a 50-50 arrangement. She said the father just wanted to get out of paying child support and thus didn’t really know what he was asking for.
She said that the money he pays her really doesn’t cover the cost of raising a child and he complains when she asks for money for such things like little league signup fees, class outings, YMCA fees and co-payments of medical bills, etc,.
Her fear is that he will not be a good father although he does “take the child” for short periods – always at his convenience.
Deesha, how does a person block the ex from getting 50-50 rights and how can a person lose those rights? How hard is it to prove the other person is not fit to have the children?
Hi, Carey,
There’s physical custody and there’s legal custody. A parent can have sole physical custody (with the other parent getting some form of visitation, perhaps), but still share legal custody (both parents still make important decisions about the child’s welfare). Child support is based in part on how much time the children are with each parent, so a switch to sole physical custody could affect child support payments.
That said, the father can go for 50-50 custody, but if he’s really only doing it to eliminate his child support payments…well, good luck with that. He has to convince a judge that the mom is not acting in the children’s best interest, that he can best provide for their best interest,and/or that they are so mired in conflict that shared custody is impossible to maintain. (In the latter case, the court could rule in your friend’s favor as easily as they could in his, depending on the specifics fo their situation.)
He has to make a compelling case for changing the children’s current living arrangement, because the courts are loathe to move children unless it’s absolutely necessary. If he can prove that she is unfit or otherwise acting in ways that are seriously detrimental to the kids’ well-being, then he may just have a leg to stand on. If not, then he’ll be wasting everyone’s time. Sole custody isn’t something he can just ask for and get; he has to make a motion and give specific reasons for this request, and your friend will have an opportunity to respond. The fact that he doesn’t even maintain regular visitation right now certainly doesn’t aid his position.
If he goes through with this threat, your friend should get an attorney immediately. Tell her that if money is an issue, beg-borrow-steal if she has to…but get an attorney who can guide her through the process.
That said, however, based on the little that you’ve told me, I think this guy’s blowing smoke to get her to stop asking him for money. Dollars to doughnuts, he won’t actually file for full custody.
Thanks Deesha, you’ve cleared up a few things. I think you hit on a few important issues. I don’t know the specifics of their custody arrangement. I do know they both play games with the child in the middle – I know each of them. She complains when he doesn’t “take” the child when she wants to have free time. She in turn denies him visitation as a punishment and hold the child hostage. She told me this is what she does. So although she claims the onus behind him wanting 50-50 custody, some where in my heart I believe I think she may being using her son as a weapon against him. So, to be truthful, I don’t know who is blowing smoke.
Does Divorce play a part in this. I mean, these two were never married and only lived together for about a year. I am assuming a contract is a contract regardless if they were ever married or not?
I know I haven’t given you much to work with but I can’t help believe that the courts seldom give children to the man unless substantial proof is provided that a mother is unfit.
Let me address 50-50 custody one more time. I rode with this women for over 3 hours and most of the conversation was about this situation. I had nothing to say and she had a lot to say
, 3 hours worth, including snack breaks. So, since we don’t know his motive for desiring shared custody, can he petition the court to have a 50-50 living arrangement solely on the desire to have the child (son) with him more often.
I don’t want to get to deep into their business but the father could have good reasoning behind wanting to have a boy in his company more often.If that is not their present arrangement, what to stop a father from simply saying he thinks his son should be in his company more often and then win those rights? Are you saying he still has to prove that their present arrangement is detrimental to the son? They only live a few miles from each other.
I know I’ve asked a lot of questions but I know Iam asking the right person. I hope I am not working you too much.
Carey,
Ah, the plot thickens! I’m about to post an interview with a divorce attorney that may clarify the issue, but my short answer is that their marital status isn’t an issue vis a vis custody. Also, it is not the case that moms have to be unfit for the dad to receive sole custody. There can be a variety of factors at play. Check out Non-Custodial Parent Community.
The dad can petition the court for 50-50 custody on the basis of wanting to spend more time with his son. He would have to again make a good case for why this would be in the child’s best interest. If he’s going the “spend more time with my son” vs. “I just want to avoid child support” route, then he may not try to paint the present arrangement as detrimental or her as unfit. He would make his request and if she counters it, I believe a mediator would first sit down with them to sort out the issues, and if they still can’t come to an agreement, then the court would rule. Factors to consider would include: how much disruption would this change bring to his life, socially, educationally, emotionally, etc. Would he have to change schools, for example? And depending on the age of the child, his input may also be a factor.
Also, if they have a court-mandated visitation schedule in place, and she’s violating it, that’s a problem. If they don’t have an agreement in place, they really should. At the very least, his going to court can establish that.
My exwife has grown increasing unstable….recently posting to FB what many in our town thought was a suicide note. I have also recently discovered that she has told people that she has tried to OD 2 to 3 times. I do not want to push her over the edge, but think that she needs serious help. She is medicated but has dropped out of therapy due to costs.
Hi, Hunter,
Your ex-wife’s condition sounds serious, and I can certainly understand your concerns. Your comment didn’t include a specific question, but I’m assuming you have children and are concerned about their well-being. If there are mediators, counselors, or attorneys already involved in your case, share your concerns with them. If not, I suggest contacting a crisis hotline or an attorney in your area.
Of course if you feel that your ex-wife is in immediate danger of harming herself, your children, or others, you should contact emergency services.
Best,
~Deesha