So much of co-parenting is about emotions: understanding the emotions of our children, our fellow co-parents, and those of any step-parents who might be in the picture, as well as understanding, managing, and owning our own emotions. Misunderstanding how someone feels, not respecting their entitlement to their feelings, or an unwillingness to own our true feelings–all can be at the root of disconnect and conflict in co-parenting families.

I (Deesha) struggled with some of the above yesterday when the girls asked me, “Are we with Daddy tonight?” (They often don’t know what day of the week it is.  Kids…lol).

“It’s Tuesday,” I said with a smile.  “You’re with me tonight.”

And then, the two people who are the embodiments of my heart walking around outside my body…groaned.

See, here’s the thing:  Because I am a freelance writer and work from home, the girls are actually with me the majority of the time even though they are with Mike Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights,  alternate weekends, and Sunday nights (even on my weekends).  So when it’s Mike’s weekend, Tuesday is the only night they are with me.  But, as the girls have told me in the past, they get to see me all day, most days, and so by the end of the day on Tuesday, they really miss their dad, and being with me for the night is no consolation prize.

Part of me totally understands this.

The other part feels like chopped liver.

Yesterday wasn’ t the first time they’ve expressed their Tuesday night disappointment.  But for some reason, it hit me differently, harder this time.  Usually, I can just affirm their feelings with regards to missing their dad and remind them that they are going to see him the following night.  Often, they will call him or he will call them, and everything is fine.

I understand (as best I can, since it’s not my experience) that children of divorce miss whichever parent they are with, regardless of how much they may have adapted to living in two houses.  I know that the girls miss me too when they are with Mike.  It was tempting yesterday to try to rationalize with the girls, to try and reason them out of missing their dad (“You’re going to see him tomorrow.  And this is your one weeknight with me…”), but I resisted this urge.  Their feelings belonged to them.

So I did the only thing I could do: sit with my own feelings.  After I put the girls to bed last night, I tried to get at the root of what I was feeling.  What was it about this time that made me so sensitive to their missing Mike?

Did they prefer to go to Mike’s because he has Wii and more lax rules with regard to TV-watching?

Did they prefer to go to Mike’s because of the new puppy he got them?

Did they prefer to go to Mike’s because their stepmom, Sherry, is also there, and thus at his house maybe they feel like they are part of a “normal” family?

Don’t I get any credit for biking with them today, taking them out to lunch, and being at their beck and call even though I had a lot on my plate today?  Why did I even bother?  I could have gotten a lot more writing done, if at the end of the day they were just going to act like my house is a gulag.

Aha.

My feelings weren’t about Mike’s house, at all.  They were about my feeling unappreciated.

So what to do about it?

Parenting is at times a thankless job.  I know I didn’t fully appreciate my mother’s sacrifices until I was about 30.  So while Mike and I work daily to instill gratitude in the girls for all the ways, large and small, that they are blessed and more privileged than the majority of the world’s children…at the end of the day, they are still kids.  It’s not their responsibility, at ages 5 and 10, to say, “Good job,  Mom.  We’ve had enough attention now.  Finish your work, and don’t worry about us.”  It’s my responsibility to establish the balance that I need to feel productive, not put upon,  and not hypersensitive when Tuesday night rolls around and the girls miss Mike.

I owned my feelings.  I let the girls have theirs.  I talked to Mike about it all, but I didn’t expect him to fix it (though, he did say he would have a talk with the girls).  I was grateful that he could listen.

Understanding, managing, and owning emotions…co-parenting really does come down to this.   A lot of the questions and comments we receive on this site are from women who are dating co-parenting dads whose exes have a problem with the new girlfriend; they want to fuss and fight or deny visitation if SHE is going to be around, etc.  Those situations may involve more than meets the eye, but on a basic level, if only the mom in question could simply own her feelings–perhaps she hasn’t healed from the break up, or it’s hard for her to see her ex move on,  or to imagine another woman in a motherly role in her children’s lives.  None of that is easy, but it is preferable to projecting these feelings onto the girlfriend or the ex, at the child’s expense.  But sitting with uncomfortable, confusing, embarrassing, and  conflicting feelings is hard.  And yet it’s just one more thing that we have to do–or learn to do–for the sake of our kids.