In Deesha’s interview with Rachel Sarah for a recent MomLogic article, she mentioned that she and her fiancé, JB, have been doing a lot of communicating, scheduling, and advance planning ever since the beginning of their long-distance relationship, and even moreso since they became engaged and look to unite their families. At the center of all these logistics are the children’s schedules and the logistics of two shared custody arrangements. As one of JB’s daughter’s once observed, “Your relationship is ruled by the calendar.” Out of the mouths of babes…
One of the questions Rachel asked Deesha in her interview, but that did not make it into the article was, “How do you and your ex [Mike] communicate?” Again, a big part of the answer is, “The calendar.” We began using a Google Calendar around the time our divorce was finalized. It’s a convenient way to keep up with kid activities and appointments, travel plans, and any changes to our regular custody arrangement. JB and Mike’s wife, Sherry, can also access and make changes to the main calendar. Within the same interface, there is a separate calendar that JB and Deesha share, for the same purpose with regard to their plans and his kids’ schedules and appointments.
One co-parenting mama we know also uses Google Calendar, and she relies on the calendar’s alert function which sends her child’s father email and text alerts an hour in advance to remind him of upcoming appointments and activities. Speaking of which…
The other part of Deesha’s answer to the communication question was, “Emails, texts, and phone calls.” Text messages are good for discussing last-minute changes and updates. Also, because we do a lot of advance planning for travel and holidays, emails are great for discussing any changes to the schedule and then having a record to refer back to when the time comes. Plans made via email (or text or phone or face-to-face) are then put on the Google Calendar.
There are many online tools and software available to facilitate co-parenting and shared custody arrangements. Google Calendar is what works for us. Which tools have worked for you and your family? Have you found that the tools you use have helped keep the peace in your co-parenting relationship?
You might also want to read:
Cross-post from Daddy Got Custody: Keep Letters to the Ex Formal, Polite, and Brief
You Are Not Charles Barkley…Or, Why You Must Cooperate With Your Ex
To those moms and dads who manage to find tools to assist with co-parenting, I say bravo! And the most fundamental is just talking to each other in the kids’ best interests, like two adults.
Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case in some families. And then, it’s catch-as-catch-can, just trying to get through the days on guts and judgment, looking to your children for clues that they’re okay.
That’s a different reality of co-parenting – one which many experts choose to stay away from discussing.
Why? Because there are few – if any – good answers.
I don’t think there’s anyone to blame for that; it simply “is.” And if there are any good answers, they lie in the faces and accomplishments of children as they grow up and grow away from us, and we can recognize strong values operating at the core of their behaviors and decision-making. We can hope that they make good choices when they become adults, perhaps better than our own. And in particular, when they become parents.
Hi, BLW,
What you write rings so true. There have been times when we’ve been discouraged about this site because it feels like preaching to the converted; we really don’t have great answers for situations where one or more parent absolutely refuses to act in the children’s best interest. But even one parent stepping up is better than neither. We hope that we can provide some support, guidance, and encouragement to those who need it–and who are willing to accept it.
Thanks for stopping by!
Best,
~Deesha
you should check out the OurFamilyWizard website, it was recommended by a judge and has been tremendously helpful. It has calendars, messages, expenses and more.
website:
http://www.ourfamilywizard.com