Disclaimer: In this post, and throughout this site, when we discuss parents who aren’t able to co-parent effectively, we are not talking about situations in which there is domestic violence, substance abuse/addiction, and or mental illness.

We are often asked, why is it that some parents can get along after a break up and others can’t–or won’t?  What enables some people to keep the conflict to a minimum…while others keep more drama going than Shakespeare?

We aren’t aware of any studies that have sought to answer this question, so we’ll take a shot at it, however unscientifically, based on our personal experiences, those of co-parents we know, and based on the experiences visitors to this site have shared with us.

First, here are three factors that we believe are not solid indicators of whether or not cooperative co-parenting can happen after a break up:

One: Infiidelity.  It’s impossible for people to co-parent and get along in the wake of this kind of betrayal and breach, right? Wrong. We know of co-parents who cooperate for the sake of their kids after an affair contributed to the break up of their marriage–and we know of ex-spouses who are mortal enemies–and whose children suffer for it–where there was no infidelity.

Two: Financial collapse and disagreements about child support, spousal support, or assets.  Certainly, money matters are a common battleground for divorced and otherwise separated couples.  And certainly, money worries and change in lifestyle add another layer of stress to and can exacerbate an already tense situation.  However, we know of co-parents who fought tooth and nail via the courts about money–but kept it civil and positive in the presence of the kids. On the flip side, there are people for whom money was not part of their post-divorce conflict, and yet they fight bitterly about pretty much everything else, allowing their children to become casualties in the process.

Three: The presence of a significant other, such as a new partner or spouse.  Again, no.  We’ve seen dating co-parents and stepfamilies that  are co-parenting exemplars.

So…if infidelity, new partners, and money aren’t reliable factors for determining if two people can successfully co-parent, then what factors are reliable predictors?

Well, in our experience, the two factors that pretty reliably distinguish those who can co-parent cooperatively from those who can’t/won’t–over the long run, allowing for time to heal and transition–are security/self-assurance and maturity.

Security/self-assurance
Among the many difficult things about divorce is that it can magnify whatever fears and insecurities we already have, heightening our emotional distress precisely at a time when our emotional resources and reserves are at their lowest.  In other words, if, pre-break-up, you were already insecure about your attractiveness, desirability, intellect, parenting skills, or overall competence, or fearful about the future or about finances–divorce can feel like the your worst nightmares come true when you are least able to confront them.

And yet…in the midst of this trauma, your child still needs you.  The divorce brings with it unique stress and trauma for her.   Let her grieve and get adjusted to the changes (two households; holidays without one parent, etc.) without the burden of, for example, your bad-mouthing the other parent out of your rightful anger, colossal disappointment, and personal insecurities.  Deal with your Stuff constructively, so that you can help your kid deal with hers.

For example: Are your “concerns” about your ex’s new boyfriend’s character truly valid…or are you just having a hard time seeing another guy around your kids?  Around your ex?  Be honest, with yourself at the very least, about what’s really bothering you.  It’s far easier to fight with your ex and make accusations about her “poor judgment” than to look in the mirror and find that you are perhaps jealous, or that her new relationship has poured salt into some still-healing wounds.  Own your Stuff.  Talk to a trusted friend or counselor about what’s really bothering you.  Don’t drag your ex and your kids into drama just because you’d rather not deal with your personal issues.

Maturity
In talking with some co-parents about their on-going conflict, sometimes there’s no nicer, clearer way to advise them than, simply, “Grow up.”

Move on.  Life is hard.  We get knocked down sometimes, but ultimately we have to dust ourselves off, pull up our big-girl panties or big-boy boxers, and keep going.  Especially if we have children.

Payback against the partner that wronged you would probably feel really good.  Making sure that your kids and everyone else knows how truly, madly, deeply you hate your ex has its appeal as well.  But that’s not what grown-ups do.

It’s actually easier, in some ways, to stay mired in conflict, blame, revenge-seeking, and self-pity.  But grown-ups realize that what’s easier is not always what’s best.  Grown-ups make sacrifices.  As responsible parents, we often sacrifice for our kids, in some cases since conception (anyone who ever gave up smoking or made other significant lifestyle changes during a pregnancy can relate).  Post-divorce/separation healing is another kind of sacrifice.  Responding to a break-up and the fallout from it with grace and maturity–eventually–is a sacrifice that successful and responsible co-parenting demands.

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So…what’s a co-parent to do?  The best you can.  Heal. Help yourself so that you can help your child.  Don’t add to the upheaval you are both experiencing by letting immaturity or your fears and insecurities stop you from being the parent your kid needs you to be.

Related:

Co-Parenting and Healing: Rising from the Ashes of Divorce

You are Not Charles Barkley, or, Why You Must Cooperate with Your Ex