Adult Child of Divorce: Interview with Carolyn Grona, Part I // Co-Parenting 101

Carolyn and son Nolan

Along our co-parenting journey, we have a lot to learn not only from our own children, but also from grown-up children of divorce like Carolyn Grona, the founder of TheGrownUpChild.ca, a site “for the grown up child of divorce – a practical guide and place to rant.” In a recent interview with CoParenting101, Carolyn reflected on her experiences as a child of divorce. She talks about the impact of her parents’ remarriages; how her experience as a child of divorce influences her relationship and parenting experiences; and why kids don’t want to hear the gory details of their parents’ break up.

When did your parents divorce? What are you able to share about the
circumstances?

My parents divorced when I was three years old. I don’t have clear
memories of the time line or specific events. But I do remember the
moment I was cognizant of my parents’ separation. I remember going into my
parents’ bedroom one morning after waking up and finding only my mother
there. I asked her where my dad was. Her answer was, ‘He’s gone’. And
somehow I knew she didn’t mean down to the corner store to pick up some
milk. I remember realizing (as much as a three-year-old can) that my
family was breaking apart. Now that was not the first time my parents had
actually separated, and I’m not sure if they ever sat me down prior to this
or after to tell me what was happening. I only remember that moment.

How would you describe your parents’ divorce and their
remarriages? How did they impact you?

I know now that it was my mother’s decision to end the marriage with my
father. She was married at 17, amid lots of her own family issues. I was
born when she was 20, and at 23 she decided that her marriage was not what
she wanted. I have to say, I’m sympathetic to that. If I had married the
person I was dating at 17, I would most likely be divorced too. I have
never felt any anger at my parents for their divorce.

My father still has a lot of pain stemming from his divorce from my mother.
So much so, that he has told me it sometimes interferes with his having a
relationship with me. He has felt the need on a few occasions to tell me
details surrounding the divorce. I can only assume he has done that in
the hopes that I would relate to his pain. Unfortunately for him, it
doesn’t. Over 30 years later, I still don’t want to be involved in any of
the gory details. I think for children of nuclear families it would be
like hearing about your parents’ sex life. It doesn’t matter how old you
get, you just don’t want to know.

Both of my parents went to university after the divorce and obtained their
degrees. They remarried when I was 8 years old. Strangely enough, they
were married just a few months apart, and both celebrated their 25th
wedding anniversaries last year. They both found spouses very different
from each other, which can only confirm to me that their union was not
meant to be.

My parents’ remarriages impacted me differently. With my mom, it ended
the days of just her and me. We had become a close team. A dynamic duo of
sorts. With my dad, it preceded him moving to another city (although I
wouldn’t say it was directly related). That move, of course, made
maintaining a daily or weekly interaction with him close to impossible,
which in turn impacted the depth of our relationship.

Neither of my step-parents brought children into the
marriage and both had children with my parents. My mom and stepfather had
two children; my father and stepmother had three.

I always wished I had a brother or sister from my parents, someone to
share my experience with; who would understand and be present to confide in.
The oldest of my half siblings is eight years my junior. I was 12 when my youngest
brother was born. It was always difficult for me to relate to them as siblings. I
always felt more like an aunt. And they tend to dislike me expressing that.
Because to them I was their bright shining big sister, and they wish I felt
the same about them. It’s difficult to translate my feelings accurately.
To explain that for them, I was always there. Always a part of their lives.
But for me, I had a whole history before they were even born. It’s difficult
for them to relate to me, too.

How have these experiences impacted your perspectives on relationships,
marriage, and raising children?

My experiences made me look at marriage in a clinical sense. While
becoming engaged to my husband, I was thinking very little about how
deeply I loved him and thought much harder on whether I would be able to
spend a lifetime with him. Because I know love changes. Even when it
doesn’t fade, it evolves. It’s organic. So I looked more at his
character traits and assessed whether we would be able to live under the
same roof for a lifetime. Now, sustaining my marriage is one of my
highest priorities.

My parenting was impacted significantly. I have wanted for my children to
have an almost opposite experience from mine. It was so important for me
to have two children close in age. I always felt like an only child, and
I didn’t want that for my son. When we encountered fertility troubles, I
was nearly devastated. Luckily, we were able to overcome them and welcome
our daughter four years later.

I also think I can relate to my children on a deeper level because I
remember so acutely how things felt to me as a child growing up. I know
what hurt me and what shaped me, and I’m ever mindful of that as a parent
myself. In the end, what is really important to me for my children to
learn is that relationships can survive conflict. That people can
respectfully disagree, get angry and still love each other. And still
remain present in each other’s lives. And that own their good favor will
never be lost just for being themselves and expressing their views.

Coming soon: Part II of Carolyn’s interview in which she discusses things her parents did well in the wake of their break-up; things she wishes they’d done differently; and her fears as a child of divorce. She also offers advice to co-parents and children of divorce.

Hear more of Carolyn’s insights and perspectives when she joins us fort his week’s episode of “Co-Parenting Matters”, Helping Kids Cope, Sunday evening at 9:30 PM EST on BlogTalk Radio. We’ll also be joined by parenting coordinator and licensed mental health counselor Brooke Randolph, and as always, by our friend and co-host Talibah Mbonisi of WeParent.com. We’ll be discussing the impact that parental conflict has on children and some strategies for easing the experience of divorce, separation, and two household living on kids.

You might also be interested in:

Adult Children of Divorce: “Caught Between Two Households” (a 3-part interview)

Co-Parenting Mom: “Minimize the Emotional Harm to Our Children”

Co-Parenting? I Don’t Think So: Cross-Post from The Grown Up Child

When Co-Parents Collide: Interview with Parenting Coordinator, Brooke Randolph