Recently, a reader named Britney commented on what remains the most popular post on the site, describing a situation involving her boyfriend, his kids, and their co-sleeping arrangement.  For those of us who are co-sleepers, full- or part-time, this can become a complex situation as kids get older and/or parents remarry–or, as in Britney’s case, a significant other moves in:

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year now, and together for a year and a half. The mom has known about me since I met the kids. Every time the kids would come down, I would hang out when I could but then go to my mom’s house to stay the night. (before he asked me to move in). One night, his daughter asked me to sleep with her and at the time they were still sleeping in the same bed with their dad.

We all agreed that I could, and I slept on one side of the bed and my boyfriend on the other side. This went on even after he asked me to move in with him. ONE night the kids, (he has 2) didn’t want to sleep next to each other because of touching issues. So the boy moved to the outside of the bed. Well, the little girl said she didn’t want to sleep next to her dad because she thought he would pass gas on her. (we all were laughing at this).  He said he wouldn’t but she still insisted that she move, so she moved on the outside of the bed as well. That left my boyfriend and I in the middle. We waited until the kids were asleep to move them so we could sleep on the ends of the bed so they wouldnt fall off or whatever. No harm.  A couple weeks later, he gets a call from his ex saying that the boy told his therapist that he pretended to be asleep, and we were moving around. Well yeah, we were moving around to move the kids.

Months pass by and because we care about the kids and their feelings, whenever they come to visit, I sleep in a different room and the little girl usually sleeps with me. (We did not have this room before; he had a roomate and when the roomate left, it took a while for us to get a bed in there. etc.).

Anyways, the mother is suing him and I cant remember exactly what it says, but she wants to put in the decree some rules about overnight guests and what may happen when they stay with their father because she wants to prevent them from being around sexual acts. (She thinks we had sex with the kids right there). He will not sign off to let them move 13 hours away, and I believe she is suing him over this in retaliation. If there is no real proof besides the boy saying we were moving around, can the court rule that I not stay over there when the kids visit?

Also could he counter sue on the grounds that she is in violation of the divorce decree because she is bad mouthing the father in front of the kids and me??

She is hurting the relationship between him and his kids. She is nice to my face but I know she is jealous about me getting close to the kids.

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Hi, Britney,

A couple of caveats:

I write this as someone who co-slept with my kids for many years, and who still wakes up to find little (and not-so-little) people in my bed from time to time.  So, I’m totally open to the idea in general.  However, as a girlfriend and not a parent, you are far more limited, if not outright forbidden, in this regard.

You did not mention the kids’ ages, so I’m not going to be able to address the specifics of co-sleeping with kids at a particular age.

Also…What are the “touching issues” to which you referred? “Touching” as in kids annoying each other by touching, or inappropriate touching?  If the latter, this co-sleeping arrangement in general is very problematic.  But again, without knowing the specifics, I have to leave it at that.

Just because the daughter asked you to sleep with her does not mean that you should have.  Perhaps you could have agreed instead to read her a story at bedtime, rub her back as she fell asleep, etc.–giving her the closeness she sought, without introducing yourself into their co-sleeping arrangement.  Even when kids are willing to push beyond boundaries, it’s up to the adults to lovingly maintain them.

In that same vein, your boyfriend’s daughter should not have been allowed to “insist” that she sleep on the outside, on the night in question.  Again, it’s the adult’s responsibility to maintain boundaries.  (I’m leaving aside, for the moment, my opinion that you should not have been co-sleeping with your boyfriends’ kids, in the first place.)

So…while I understand that you are no longer co-sleeping with the kids, the fact remains that you did, and it sounds like that by doing so, you’ve opened the door to their mother’s legal motion.

You asked: “If there is no real proof besides the boy saying we were moving around, can the court rule that I not stay over there when the kids visit?”…and that really confused me!  Do you live there–is this your residence–or are you visiting when you stay over?  At any rate…I can’t say how the court will rule, but consider this:

From the outside looking in, someone could say that you and your boyfriend only stopped co-sleeping with the kids because you “got caught” having sex.  I take you at your word that this isn’t what happened, however, the two of you put your boyfriend’s son in an inappropriate and stressful situation which allowed his imagination to take over, or he really might have thought you were having sex.  He’s old enough apparently to know that sex involves grown-ups in a bed  “moving around”, so it’s no wonder his mind would go there. The onus was on you as the adults to not to put the child in this situation.  The court may decide that your boyfriend exercised poor judgment in doing so and grant mom’s request.

Many courts frown on any sleeping arrangement that doesn’t give children their own room, or at least their own bed in a shared room with a sibling.  And depending on the age of the kids, boys and girls sharing a room is also a no-no.  So while your boyfriend may have reasons (e.g., the roommate) for the initial sleeping arrangements, these reasons may ring hollow to a judge.  Even though the mother may have filed this motion requesting rules for overnight guests as an act of retaliation, what’s she’s asking for is not unheard of, and it’s not unheard of for the courts to honor such requests.  If your boyfriend wishes to object, he should seek legal counsel and/or representation.

Also be aware that in some cases like this, a court officer/mediator or best-interest attorney may make a home visit to see the sleeping/living arrangments first hand.

What doesn’t help your boyfriend’s case is the fact that you moved in after dating for only 6 months, which in my opinion is not enough time to really get to know someone (for you as well as your boyfriend), especially when there are kids involved.  So not only are you and your boyfriend still getting to know each other, but  the kids are still getting to know this new person–and now she’s moved in…and is sleeping in Daddy’s bed.

Try to see this from the kids’ point of view instead of your own.  Not only are they being asked to make a lot of adjustments, but how soon are they being asked after their parents’ break-up?  Your boyfriend may have been ready to move on–and certainly he had every right to date you without the kids’ knowing –but that doesn’t mean that the kids aren’t still actively grieving their parents’ break up.  I’m assuming the parents were together as a couple at some point, but even if they weren’t, just meeting a significant other is huge for a kid.

Because your boyfriend’s co-parenting relationship is a contentious one, you and your boyfriend may well have added to the emotional burden on these kids by rushing them into a live-in girlfriend situation.  Perhaps moving in was the best thing for the two of you, but not necessarily for them. What was the rush about?  Certainly not the best interest of the kids.

Timing is important.  Without moving in so soon, you could have given your relationship with your boyfriend time to grow and given the children plenty of time to get to know you in such a way that doesn’t compound everything else they are dealing with.  The fact that one of the children is already in therapy speaks to the fact that you have introduced yourself into a situation that isn’t all peaches and cream.  Did you boyfriend talk to your son’s therapist about healthy ways to facilitate his introduction to you and his adjustment in to having you in his and his dad’s life?  Did you meet the children’s mother before you assumed such a prominent role in their lives?  Have you and your boyfriend considered the impact on the children if your relationship doesn’t work out?

If nothing else, the fact that your boyfriend’s ex is litigious should be motivation for the two of you to slow this train down.  The court doesn’t care that you’re in love or that your moving in was convenient or financially-ideal for the two of you, or your “right”–the court only cares about the best interest of the kids, and if his ex can convincingly portray your previous co-sleeping arrangment or other aspects of your live-in situation as harmful to the kids, then that trumps all (ideally).  Don’t give his ex any more ammunition.  Move out, keep dating your boyfriend, sleep over when the kids aren’t there, and let these kids heal.  The ex also needs to do her part to facilitate this healing, but her failure to do so doesn’t give you or your boyfriend carte blanche to drop the ball on doing what’s right.

You also asked: “Also could he counter sue on the grounds that she is in violation of the divorce decree because she is bad mouthing the father in front of the kids and me??” Does the divorce decree bar her from bad-mouthing him?  If so, and she has been doing this, she can be held in contempt.  Still, any counter motion he files in this regard won’t necessarily have any bearing on the judge’s ruling about overnight guests, as these are separate issues that revolve around the same question: “What’s best for the kids?”  You, your boyfriend, and his ex would do well to keep that question at the center of your decision-making as well.

Best to you,

~Deesha