Around here, we preach the Gospel of Getting Along with Your Ex and why loving your kids demands it,but there’s nothing like hearing the Truth straight from the horse’s–or rather the kid’s–mouth.

Tonight at 9:30 PM EST on our Co-Parenting Matters” show Helping Kids Cope, on BlogTalk Radio, we’ll be  joined by Carolyn Grona,  a grown up child of divorce and the founder of TheGrownUpChild.ca, a site “for the grown up child of divorce – a practical guide and place to rant.” We’ll talk about the impact that parental conflict has on children and some strategies for easing the experience of divorce, separation, and two household living on kids. In addition to our friend and co-host Talibah Mbonisi of WeParent.com, we’ll also be joined by parenting coordinator and mental health counselor Brooke Randolph,

In a Part I of a recent interview with CoParenting101, Carolyn reflected on her experiences as a child of divorce.  She talked about the impact of her parents’ remarriages; how her experience as a child of divorce influences her relationship and parenting experiences; and why kids don’t want to hear the gory details of their parents’ break up.  Here, in Part II of our interview with Carolyn, she talks very candidly about things her parents did well in the wake of their break-up; things she wishes they’d done differently; and her fears as a child of divorce.  She also offers advice to co-parents and children of divorce.

What are some things your biological parents and/or stepparents did well
during times of transition (divorce, dating, remarriage)?  What are some
things you wish they’d done differently?

My biological parents were very good about keeping me completely out of
their divorce while I was young.  I never knew the why’s or what’s.  I was
never asked to choose between them or have any input on custody issues.  I
was never privy to their dating lives.  I don’t even remember meeting any
of their significant others aside from my step-parents.  In their
remarriages, I was included as much as I could be.  I was excited for both
of my parents.  I was happy to see them happy.  In all these ways, my
parents did a great job.

I wish my parents had worked together more effectively overall, though.  I
think they tried harder during those times of transition.  They paid
closer attention to what I would need.  But during everyday life, their
co-parenting skills weren’t so strong.  There was tension between them.  I
never felt really comfortable expressing the love I had for each of them
with the other or with my step-parents.  Like it would be some kind of
betrayal.  The tension was palpable between my stepmother and mother.  It
always made me feel uncomfortable.

What words of advice do you have for parents who are divorced,
divorcing, or separated/never married with regard to co-parenting?

Always put your own feelings toward your ex partner on the back burner.
Ask yourself: Is this what I would do if I was parenting as opposed to
co-parenting?  Co-parenting is difficult.  Just like parenting, there are
no quick answers.  No one size fits all solutions.  Every family and every
child is different and therefore will require different things from you.
It’s a process.  Something to strive towards.  But never give up.  Always
do your best.  Because there is no greater reward in this life than having
a happy, comfortable, well-adjusted child to share in rest of your days.

As for me, I wish I had felt like my parents were parenting me together
instead of parenting me only on ‘their time’.  When I was at mom’s, she
was the parent and when I was at dad’s, he was.  But weren’t they both my
parents, all of the time?  That’s what I struggled with and what I would
hope co-parents would try to overcome.  I really wanted for my parents to
be truly happy that I loved them both.  That I could be excited to do
something with one of them and feel comfortable enough to express that to
the other. That I could be happy for each of them in their new lives and
know in my heart that they were happy for each other as well.  Because I
felt like the ‘secret keeper’.  Like I couldn’t just be myself and that I
had to think about everything I would say.  That I had to hide my feelings
so that I wouldn’t hurt theirs.

And the more animosity I sensed between them, the more I felt like the
obstacle to their happiness.  That their lives would be easier had I never
existed.

What words of advice/encouragement do you have for children of
divorce/separation?

As difficult as it is, be yourself.  Express what you feel, not just what
you think is expected.  Don’t lose yourself in an attempt to fit into your
new surroundings.  Acknowledge and explore your feelings, knowing that
they are nothing to be ashamed of.  Divorce *is* survivable.  It hurts,
but the pain fades.  And there is a wealth support available.  Books,
websites, talking to friends and counseling are all things that have
helped me significantly in the past.  Writing is what helps me now.

And please don’t let either your parent’s or your anger consume you.  You
love your parents.  Both of them.  And that’s okay; not just okay, but the
way it’s supposed to be!  Don’t be scared of relationships.  Don’t set the
bar so high that nobody will pass.  Don’t let the fear of making your
parent’s mistakes stop you from living your own life.  Because your life
is exactly that.  Your own.  So go live it.

How has your family’s experiences with divorce and remarriage shaped
you as an adult?

It has made me incredibly independent.  A positive now, it comes from one
of the negative results as a kid; feeling like the outsider or the strange
one all the time.  But as an adult, I’ve persevered through incredible
trials.  And I know I can stand on my own two feet.  I’m brave.  I’m
strong.  And I’ll do anything to preserve and protect my family unit.

That being said, I have also struggled. I suppressed almost all of my own
feelings because I never felt comfortable expressing them.  I never
confided being hurt to my parents for fear of them feeling guilty.  I
never told them I was sad because I knew it would make them sad too.
That’s what so many of us children of divorce do.  For some reason we feel
the need to protect our parents instead of allowing them to protect us.
We worry that if they knew the truth about our feelings they might break,
so we hold it in.  And for me, I never really stopped.  It became my
protective mechanism.  My way of dealing with unpleasant things.  Like an
alcoholic who grabs a drink to dull the pain, I would simply shut the
feelings down.  I became really good at shutting down.  The problem was, I
never found a way to turn anything back on again.

So as an adult now, I’m focusing on that.  On opening instead of closing.
Because not feeling as a way of survival is fine, but what about when the
threat is over?  I have my own family now.  I don’t consider my parents to
be so fragile anymore.  I would like to feel all the feelings I turned off
so long ago.  Excitement, happiness, joy, pride and sadness; where’d they
all go?  Because I want them back.  I’ve found I’m reclaiming them by
writing.

What were some of your fears or concerns as a child regarding the
divorces and remarriages in your family?

My biggest fear was that I was the anchor around my families necks holding
them back from living a normal life.  I was the legacy of the mistake my
parents had made.  The ever-present reminder of the person they didn’t
want or even like.

I have such similarities to both of my parents, and I always worried that
seeing those similarities would make them not like me too.

I felt like I was always being accommodated for.   My dad having to figure
out a way to get me to him.  My mom having to bring me half way.  My
fathers family waiting to take vacations until I was there to be included.
The explanation I always required.  I sometimes felt like more of a
burden than a gift.  Sometimes I felt the only real value I offered any of
them was through the babysitting services I could provide.

Are there any childhood memories that stand out that capture/summarize
your feelings and experiences as child of divorce?

So you save the hardest question for last.

I remember shortly after my father was married, a thing about socks.
Something like my step mom was going buy and keep socks for me at her
house because the ones I brought weren’t white enough.  My mom questioned
why the socks I had brought to a visit weren’t worn, and I told her.  She
was upset.  This memory is strong for me because it taught me that I
needed to censor myself better.  I was only eight, but I learned I needed
to be more careful about what information I divulged.

As a sulky teenager, I remember lagging behind my mother, stepfather,
brother and sister one day while walking home.  I kept thinking how
picturesque they looked.  The million dollar family.  If you didn’t
include me, of course.

After having two children 17 months apart, I remember my mother telling me
during those crazy first years that she was going to pack me up and move
to Timbuktu.  Although she never meant it and neither of us really wanted
to move, it made me feel so happy.  Because it said to me that she
acknowledged I didn’t really fit into our blended family, but that I would
always belong with her.

I remember the drives to the ‘hand off’ location between my mother and
father.  As excited as I would be to see and visit with my dad or be
returning home, it always made me feel like a piece of property being
transferred between two owners.

But I also remember special times with my parents alone.  I remember my
mom trying to drive her Honda Civic out of a snow bank and me chanting
with her ‘come on rear wheel drive, you can do it rear wheel drive!’  I
remember my dad and I watching movies together–a favorite past time of
his, and I cherish that simple time I had alone with him.

The bonds I have with my parents have been tested over the years.  They are tested
sometimes now.  But I know those bonds run as deep as in any nuclear
family. I know, because I have a collection of memories just like these
for each of them.

You might also be interested in:

Adult Child of Divorce: Interview with Carolyn Grona, Part I

Adult Children of Divorce: “Caught Between Two Households” (a 3-part interview)

Co-Parenting Mom: “Minimize the Emotional Harm to Our Children”

Co-Parenting?  I Don’t Think So: Cross-Post from The Grown Up Child

When Co-Parents Collide: Interview with Parenting Coordinator, Brooke Randolph