A reader, Petricia, recently left the following comment in what remains our most popular post, “My Boyfriend, His Kids, and His Ex”.  Because questions like Petricia’s are so commonly posted here, we thought it warranted a fresh response from our resident co-parenting dad, Mike.

Petricia writes:

I have been dating this guy for just over a year and want to take the relationship to the next level, i.e. to meet the kids, aged 11 and 8. But he tells me I am rushing things just to have kids with him as I don’t have kids and would like to have kids. This is not the case, but is something I have to think about as I don’t want kids when I am 40. I am 33 and feel the longer he waits to introduce me to his kids the longer it takes for us to get married, settle down and start a family. Maybe I am completely wrong on this. Any comments/suggestions will be appreciated.

Read on for Mike’s response…

Petricia,

As Deesha mentioned in the comments section, your question regarding the right time to introduce children to a significant other is one of the most common that we receive, both here on CoParenting101.org and amongst friends and acquaintances.  Given the rate of divorce in this country and the number of children of “broken families”, it shouldn’t be surprising that the issue comes up so frequently.  Interestingly, the question is almost exclusively posed by women indicating that there are real gender issues at work in this discussion.   I will admit my biases upfront as I was in your boyfriend’s position in the not-too-distant past.  Hopefully what follows
will give you some insight into what might be going on with him without slipping too far into my own gender bias.

Without attempting to address all the “Mars/Venus stuff” going on, in my experience one specific difference between men and women seems to be relevant: men are often “slower” in making the decision to “take the next step” in a relationship than are women, even when prior divorce or other break-up isn’t a factor. The experience of divorce (or break-up after a long term relationship) can make that inclination even stronger in some guys.  Put simply, they are gun-shy.  Depending on how much time has passed since his divorce/break-up from his children’s mother and the circumstances surrounding that split, a man can have very strong concerns about  re-entering such a commitment:

How can I afford to get re-married given alimony/child support?

How can I deal with a blended family (children from two different relationships)?

What about all these guys that I know that swear they will never marry again?

If this doesn’t work out and my children have developed a bond with my girlfriend, how can I protect them?

Am I comfortable giving up the personal “relationship space” afforded to me by this current schedule (i.e. not having her with me all the time because she hasn’t been introduced to the kids)?

In that same vein, will my already limited time with my children be squeezed down even more by uniting the two different worlds in which I live?

These are the types of questions that may be swirling around in his head. All of that being said, it is certainly reasonable for you to have questions about where the relationship is going and about milestones or decision dates by which you can expect progress.  Even the man with the most legitimate reasons for skittishness will have to deal with your questions as part of his growing and maturing process.  If done with sensitivity on your part to concerns like those listed above, a series of conversations about your relationship, your expectations and your future together can be a great way to grow closer as a couple.  At a minimum, communicating with each other about this issue in a thoughtful way will do several things:

(1) establish this kind of purposeful problem-solving as a habit in your relationship

(2) build trust between the two of you as you are honest about your thoughts and feelings, and

(3) help you to feel comfortable with whatever decision you make, knowing that you made it with all the facts and (hopefully) for the right reasons.

You may be thinking,  “We have had this conversation innumerable times and this is where we are,” or even, “How do I begin the conversation and what should I look for to indicate success”?  For the many folks that we have encountered that struggle with this issue, what they really want is a rule of thumb that will tell them when it is reasonable to expect their relationship to progress (or unreasonable for their boyfriend to continue to delay).  My response is always the same: I have seen marriages work
where the couple dated for 6 months and I have seen marriages fail where they dated for 7 years.  If there was a guaranteed formula, the divorce rate would be much lower than it is.  However, marriage experts would tell you that there are certain elements that must be present in order for any marriage to work.  Similarly, the decision about when to meet the children is a bit of a moving target, but certainly requires that certain elements be present in order for it to have a good chance of success.  In our
experience, these elements include, in no particular order:

Your boyfriend has discussed his dating with his childred in an age-appropriate way, and has discussed you, in specific, with his children

You and your boyfriend have discussed your levels of commitment to one another and to a long term relationship.

The two of you have discussed any concerns that you have about blended families, ex-spouses, or other relationship-affecting things that will come with his custody/parenting/co-parenting arrangements.

You two have discussed what conditions will make your boyfriend comfortable that his children are ready for this next step.

You both have discussed how to achieve those conditions and when to begin that process.

You and your boyfriend have uncovered and begun discussing any underlying worries or concerns that he may have including those listed above.

You and your boyfriend have discussed what happens after the first meeting of the children, the frequency of contact thereafter, how that may increase over time and what the timeframe will be for deciding on marriage or going ahead with a marriage.

You have thought through, as much as possible, and are comfortable with the issues involved with being a stepparent (discipline, relationship with his
ex, communication, etc.)

If appropriate, your boyfriend has thought about communication with his children’s mother regarding your presence in their children’s lives (this can be a difficult issue in certain circumstances that WILL have impact on your relationship if handled poorly and may color his decision making later).

There are likely to be other things to consider and discuss based upon the specific issues in your relationship; however, what should be clear is that the step that you are considering is a big step and is worth taking the extra time to get right.  Getting it right will require open and honest communication between the two of you about important issues.  Don’t be afraid to enlist the help of experts as you wrestle with these questions. I have found books like HELPING KIDS COPE WITH DIVORCE THE SANDCASTLES WAY and THE COMPLETE IDIOTS GUIDE TO STEPPARENTING to have great advice and loads of information.

Bottom line:  If you are committed enough to each other to consider this next step, you should be committed enough to do the work of communicating described above.

The result will be one of three things:

(1) You will decide to move forward with the introduction to the children because the time is right and all concerned parties are prepared

(2) you will not move forward now but will work confidently toward that goal together, or

(3) you will discover that you and your boyfriend disagree in some fundamental way(s) that is/are not resolvable and you each will move on to other relationships.

The first two options are wonderful, but while the third is sad and disappointing, it should never be taken off the table as a possibility.  If it is, how can you be sure that #1 is really true or that #2 is truly possible?

We have all probably known a couple that married because “it seemed like the next logical step” or “the man was worn down over time”. That is a tough way to begin any long term relationship, particularly one that has the issues associated with re-marriage and children from a prior relationship.  How much better to be confident that the steps you are taking forward are being taken as eagerly by both people.

As a man, I appreciated hearing from my then-girlfriend (now wife) that she understood my concerns and worries about re-marrying.  And while it was difficult tohear, it was also clarifying for me to know that she wasn’t pressuring me but would not stand for an indefinite, undefined, limbo-like relationship. We decided early on in our relationship that we would be working toward something and would check in periodically to see if our goals were still the same.  If not, we would be honest about that and make the hard decision to part ways.  I can say, without hesitation, that the work we did early on developing our communication muscles (especially as it related to my
children) are paying daily dividends in our marriage today.

Our best to you as you deal with these issues.

Warmest regards,

Mike