“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”–Doris M. Smith, author

Are you playing the fool in your co-parenting relationship?  Read on…

Co-parents in conflict have no shortage of topics about which to disagree.  While disagreements are inevitable in even the most cordial of co-parenting relationships, some of the bickering is pointless, petty, and really not about the kid-issue it purports to be.  Worst case scenario, hashing out the logistics of parenting across two households is viewed by one or both co-parents as opportunities to fight old battles from your past relationship, on a new, fresh battleground.  This is what happens when co-parents are not able to separate their ill feelings about their past relationship from their responsibilities to the co-parenting relationship, which is supposed to be kid-centered.  This is what happens when co-parents aren’t able to keep their hurts and disappointments out of conversations about Jenny’s socks or Jamal’s soccer practice.

This is not to say that a parent’s post-break-up hurts and disappointments aren’t important.  In fact, dealing with them, in a constructive fashion, is vital; parental healing benefits parents and children.  But the keyword here is constructive. If you regret  having been a doormat or “victim”  in your relationship, you might decide to be obstinate about every little thing now that you’re co-parenting; you refuse to be the same fool twice.  Or maybe you feel victimized by the fall-out from your break-up.  Perhaps money or custody issues, or both, have left you angry and resentful, and you can’t stand your ex; you refuse to cut her any slack, anywhere.

The problem with both these scenarios is that your obstinance  not only doesn’t change the past or your divorce settlement, it complicates and disrupts your–and more importantly, your child’s–present circumstances.  Further, it denies your child the future benefits of being raised by two parents who were willing to communicate and cooperate on their behalf. 

And let’s be honest: We all know when we’re just spoiling for a fight.  Simple advice? Don’t.

As Talibah Mbonisi, founder of WeParent, astutely observed: “Picture your children 30 years from now and ask yourself:  ‘What would I want my child to say about how I was with her other parent?  What lessons would I want my child to have learned through our co-parenting relationship?  How did I celebrate the part of him that is the other parent?’

What if you’re on the other side of the battle line, and your child’s other parent is the one always spoiling for a fight?  Well, today’s quote of the day is for you.  Choose your battles.  It’s foolish for your ex to keep grinding old axes, but also foolish for you to swing at everything he pitches and foolish to try to always get the last word.  We don’t mean “foolish” as an  insult, but rather to say “unwise” and not a productive use of your time and emotional resources; you need those to parent!  See the links below for resources and suggestions for alternatives to playing the fool.

Related:

When Co-Parents Collide: An Interview with Parenting Coordinator Brooke Randolph

Co-Parenting Mom: “Minimize the Emotional Harm to Our Children”

Co-Parenting and Healing: Rising From the Ashes of Divorce

You are Not Charles Barkley…Or, Why You Must Cooperate with Your Ex

“Co-Parenting?…I Don’t Think So”

“Weren’t They BOTH My Parents, All of The Time?” Interview with Carolyn Grona, a Grown-Up Child of Divorce

Are You Still Blaming Your Ex? Co-Parenting and the Blame Game

photo by db*photography