A co-parenting dad, Steve, sent us the following note:
My ex-wife planned a birthday party for my son. I only heard about it today. The party is in a few days. I asked her via email why she didn’t let me know about it and if she intended to invite me. Her reply was that she’s “… thinking about it.” What’s worse is that we actually talked about it months ago – I told her, “…let’s plan his birthday party out together this year.” But she didn’t want to invite my wife. That is, in essence, the root of the problem. I’ve been separated for 4 years and married to my new wife for 2.5 years – and she still hasn’t gotten over it. But what am I supposed to do when my son asks if I’m coming to his party? I don’t want to bad mouth his mother. I don’t want him to think that I don’t want to be there. Personally, I think I should just show up at the party. He’s my son – and he’s only having one bday party. I did think about having a separate bday party for him, but that seems silly – and all of his friends are already going to be at this party…
We know that some of you can relate to Steve’s scenario: how to handle birthdays…and, in general, how to respond honestly to your child about the other parent’s behavior and affirm your relationship with your child, all without throwing the other parent under the bus. How do you and your ex handle birthday celebrations? What advice would you give Steve? Read on for our response…
Steve,
As for what to tell your son…that’s tricky. Kudos to you for not wanting to throw your ex-wife under the bus even though she’s not showing you much consideration here. And certainly you don’t want your son to think that you don’t want to celebrate his birthday. The key here, we believe, is that your son should know that you want to celebrate his birthday with him, and you can convey this even if you don’t attend the party thrown by his mother.
Our best advice is to first tell your ex that your son is asking whether or not you’re coming, and offer her the opportunity to tell your son that you’re not invited. If she’s not willing to do so (or stalls with that wonderfully passive-aggressive “I’ll think about it”), then you can do a couple of things:
1) You can tell your son that his mother did not invite you, offer no further commentary on the subject, and then tell him about the celebration you have planned.
2) You can tell him that while his mom has planned one celebration, you have something else planned for him.
It may indeed seem silly to have a separate celebration for him, but this is the reality of your co-parenting relationship. Your celebration with him doesn’t have to be a 2nd party. Does he like places like Chuck E. Cheese, Dave ‘N Busters, or some other outing or special event? Maybe you can take him and a friend out for the day/evening? Or, you can let him plan the day/evening…within reason and a certain budget, of course.
Overall, try to stay focused on what will make the celebrations positive and memorable for you son. If you were to “just show up at the party” his mother has planned, what ensues between you and your ex, even if it’s just a palpable tension, will likely be felt by your son. His special day should be drama- and tension-free. Your showing up would be sticking it to your ex, but it’s your kid who would likely suffer the fallout.
Also, remember “do unto others.” While it sounds like you might invite your ex to any birthday parties you host for your son, you (and your wife) certainly wouldn’t want your ex to show up unannounced or uninvited to your home for any reason.
Finally, look ahead. Do you and your ex have a shared parenting plan in place? These can include stipulations about birthday celebrations. Here’s an excerpt from a parenting plan that we recommend to co-parents:
Child(ren)’s Birthday:
__When it is a child’s birthday each parent shall hold their celebration during their regularly scheduled time with the child.
__When it is a child’s birthday, Dad shall hold a celebration during even years and Mom shall hold a celebration during odd years.
__The parents shall hold a joint birthday celebration every year with Dad organizing it during even years and Mom organizing it during odd years.
The 2nd option above would allow you to address the issue of not wanting to invite the same set of kids to 2 different parties.
If you were to agree on the 1st option, your son could be told, “We’ve agreed to have two separate celebrations for you each year,” and then he would know why the other parent was “absent.”
If your ex was willing to honor how your son felt–even if it meant a joint party–then you both could ask your son how he wished to celebrate going forward. Maybe he wouldn’t mind separate celebrations?
You can access the entire Sample Shared Parenting Plan for free. (If the link doesn’t work, cut and paste: www.courts.alaska.gov/shc/shc-1127.doc)
If you don’t have a parenting plan in place, or wish to modify your existing plan, contact a lawyer, mediator, or parenting coordinator for guidance with this process. This way, you won’t have to deal with the issue fresh every year, and everyone will be on the same page.
Best to you,
~Mike and Deesha
photo courtesy of AndrewEick
Deesha and Mike,
You guys gave some great advice (as always). Upendo and I did Khailil’s party together this year and there were no new ‘partners’ present. There would have been no problem if there were new partners present, but for the sake of practicality there weren’t. This is a special time that should be shared with the child(ren) and parents with no animosity present. If the problem is the new partner being present, than the ex-wife should have communicated that when they talked about planning the party months ago. If the new partner respects the son, then she would understand and not make plans to attend.
Now, what we don’t know is the reason for their separation and why the ex-wife is still holding a grudge; and we don’t need to know this, but for the exes to move on and have a healthy co-parenting relationship, they may need to revisit this. They have a son together and hopefully for the next 14 years or so they will be able to move into a comfortable and amicable co-parenting relationship with out seeing their break up every time they see their son. He was not part of their adult relationship; he is an out-come and blessing of their adult relationship. They need to recognize this and honor that. I really hope that the ex-wife can come to terms with this and provide thier son with a healthy positive co-parenting example that he needs.
Mike and Deesha, keep up the good work.
Olivia, you said it all!! Thank you for this comment. Great observation about how we really don’t know the ex-wife’s “side”, nevertheless ultimately, all involved need to focus on the child.
Thanks for stopping by, and as you are moving into new phases of your co-parenting relationship, you know we welcome a guest post from you any time!
We need to get to together soon, btw. I’ll e- you!
xo,
~Deesha
I would take the opportunity to remind my son how special he is. I would tell him that every year he gets to have two birthday celebrations. I would certainly keep the argument between the wife and myself separate from the focus on my child. Unfortunately the child is caught in the middle of whatever is going on between the parents. Until that is worked out, make the best of it and focus on the child’s happiness not on wife’s anger or father’s sense of offense.
Thanks, baba, for sharing your insights!
~d
Lawd, I’d just show up, with my lawyer….
Ok, that’s bad…
Ed, you need to stop! But hey, thanks for stopping by.
~d
So hard, for some of us. And so much more complicated than it looks from the outside in. The old adage “walk in another’s shoes” applies.
Perhaps even more applicable: the need for 2 parents to put the child’s best interest first. Sadly, it doesn’t always happen that way.
Helpful, as always.
So true, BLW. I think the best any of us can do is all that we can to be able to honestly tell our kids, “I was the best co-parent I could be, under the circumstances.” Thanks for stopping by.
~d