For many, actor/activist couple Ruby Dee & Ozzie Davis epitomized successful marriage. RIP, Mr. Davis

A few months ago, I (Deesha) read a guest blog at Stepmother’s Milk by Kela Price,  founder of Blended Family Soap Opera, that has stuck with me ever since:

This is often my message to clients when they reveal that their households are in total chaos due to the stepfamily obstacles that many remarried couples face. Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife who spends more time trying to develop a loving relationship with her ex-husband, but is fighting with her husband about discipline in the household; or a remarried dad who reveals that he feels obligated to fix his ex-wife’s kitchen sink, allow her to be intrusive or spend time with her and the kids because of the kids, I pose this question: “Is it more important and beneficial to your kids to show them what a healthy divorce or a healthy marriage looks like?” Their usual response is silence, followed by an “I get what you’re saying now.”

Our society has been conditioned to believe that it’s better for children of divorce if we spend all of our time getting the divorced parents to live in harmony rather than developing and nurturing the remarriage. I’m not saying that it isn’t beneficial to the children to see the divorced parents being on the same page and working together to co-parent between two households, but getting them to love and live in harmony is an unrealistic expectation that shouldn’t be made priority over everything else. Divorced parents who are remarried shouldn’t spend the majority of their time trying to show their children what a healthy divorce looks like, but show them what a healthy marriage looks like. (emphasis mine)

In other words: Don’t sacrifice your marriage on the altar of your co-parenting efforts. And to that I say, “Amen and amen.”

Thankfully, neither “JB” (my fiancé) nor I have had any problems striking a balance between co-parenting with our former spouses and tending to our own relationship.  But we realize that more is required of us than this.  And, having both our first marriages end in divorce, we’ve been very purposeful about laying the groundwork for and nurturing a healthy, enduring relationship.  This is what we want to model for four little not-so-little girls who mean everything to us.  To this end, we’re following the “marriage is what you make of it” model, instead of the magical, fairytale “love is all we need model.”  This includes:

• reading books together that address our circumstances
• seeking out remarriage, step-mothering, blended family*, and step-parenting resources
• talking honestly and on a regular basis about our expectations, concerns, and future plans, personal and professional
• identifying problem areas that aren’t just going to go away on their own
• be flexible with regard to our changing needs and that of our family, as the kids grow and as we enter new phases of our lives
• attending an upcoming couples counseling weekend retreat

If the experience of divorce has taught JB and me, collectively, anything, it’s that marriage really is work.  Of course that’s not all it is; it’s also the joyful, exciting, comforting experience of sharing our lives with each other. Even with proper maintenance (is this a marriage or a new car, lol!?), we have and will stumble, no doubt.  But we believe that our relationship and our girls deserve our best efforts.

So…Are you keeping your co-parenting relationship in its proper place vis a vis your new intimate one?

What are you doing to keep your relationship with your new partner on solid ground?

What resources have you found helpful and would recommend?  Tell us in the comments!

You might also be interested in:

When Co-Parenting Goes…Right: The Step-Parent’s Dilemma

*A co-parenting expert we know once said she disliked the phrase “blended family” because it implies that the work of bringing families together is easy or instant, when in reality it is neither.