Last spring, Mike’s wife and our kids’ stepmom, Sherry gave some advice to a reader, Kelly, who felt like “just the sideline girlfriend” in a relationship with a co-parenting dad who was at times rather too close for comfort with his ex.

Recently, Alisha, another reader who is dating a devoted co-parenting dad, responded to what Sherry wrote, and asked for advice as she wonders if there is room in her boyfriend’s life, and heart, for her…and for any kids they may have together:

Sherry,

I have really appreciated your willingness to share your story, and provide an alternative to many less-peaceful stories I hear. Because you have shared my situation so closely, I ask for your advice.

I am dating a fabulous man with two little kiddos (son, 5, and daughter, 7) from a marriage that ended three years ago. It was a rough marriage, and a rough divorce, and my man is still smarting from it a little bit. To his ex’s credit, she has been supportive of my relationship with her children’s father- I’m sure it helps that she is re-married- and there has been no real tension between us other than a little awkwardness.

Personally, I am 29 and have never been married nor had children, and, also coming from a divorced family where dad was absent (and Mom is STILL seething), it is very touching to me that my boyfriend is a devoted dad with 50/50 custody. Admittedly, it is also difficult for me to understand. While I want the best for his kids (after all, I’ve been in his daughter’s shoes) it’s hard for me to hear him say, bluntly, “My kids will always come before you.” Going into a marriage (which we’re talking about) for the first time, I’m sure you held the same hopes I have have, of being cherished as a companion and confidant, and wondering if this desire died for my boyfriend with his first marriage. I fully hope to have children of my own (and so does he, he tells me), but I can’t help but worry that when he says his children come before me, that his first two children will come before mine. As I said, I want his kids to have happy, loved lives, but isn’t there room for more? Would it be fair for me to bring children into a marriage where they could be getting … emotional leftovers from their father? How can I bring up these concerns to my boyfriend and help him understand that I want his devotion to his children to continue, but also want to know there’s more room for me and my hopes and dreams than just the empty side of his bed?

Read on for Sherry’s response:

Dear Alisha:

I am sorry that you are having this crisis of heart. I do absolutely understand the dilemma that you are in. The first thing that I want to say to you is: Stay strong. Affairs of the heart take patience, compassion, love and honesty.

Picture this: It’s a hot day sometime in late July. This awesome blended family is winding its way down the Youghiogheny River. This new, modern-day family consists of two exes (Michael and Deesha), current wife (me), Deesha’s fiance (JB), a set of nieces, and two sets of daughters.  Michael, JB’s niece, JB’s eldest daughter, and I are in one boat. In the second boat: Deesha, JB, my niece, Deesha and Michael’s two daughters, and JB’s second daughter.

Are you taking notes?

We are all paddling down the river after having had a wonderful rest on the side of the beach and some lunch. My “team” is in the lead as we continue down the river. We turn around and see JB and Deesha waving their hands and yelling. They’d capsized and all of them and ended up on sturdy rock big enough for all of them and about two to three elephants. My wonderful, dear husband dashes out of our boat, into cold waters, runs up the bank, through the woods (not to grandmother’s house, though).

Michael makes it to the area where “Savior Rock” is however, there are 3 class 3 rapids surrounding “Savior Rock” so he’s not able to get the them. During what I called a gallant attempt at rescue, my dear, wonderful husband slips, falls, and loses his glasses. He needs these glasses. He didn’t bring a spare pair or contacts because honestly who thinks that they’re going to looe the only pair of glasses that have in some vain attempt at rescue? Suffice it to say, I was angry but more hurt that the girls were safe on “Savior Rock,” I was safe on dry land trying to get help, and here he is blind, trying to save those most important to him…the girls.

We talked about it later, and he expressed to me his need to be his daughters’ savior, and I expressed to him my need to not be newly widowed, considering I was just getting acclimated to being a newlywed.

I understood his point of view. His job as a father is to save his daughters from the evils of the world. He would have gone into that water after his girls if they had been “our” girls, and–who knows?–I may have been right there with him getting swept down river. But at least I could see.

The second thing I want to say, Alisha, is: don’t give up hope. During the early years of our dating, Michael would often say that his kids came first. The pain of the divorce was hard for him. While his mind and body were ready for this new adventure called dating, his heart had not fully given over. I understood. I also understood that now his daughters were the recipients of the one thing I coveted from him….his whole heart. See, from his perspective, his kids will will not only love and adore him, but most importantly accept him. When they’re adults with families of their own they will look back and say, “You know, Dad never remembered to get us birthday cards for our birthdays, but he sure did play a mean game of Tickle Monster.” He’s daddy. He’s strong, dependable, Prince Charming, the man that knows everything about how to build the perfect tent and fry the perfect slice of bacon. He doesn’t have to put himself out on the line in anticipation of acceptance. They already accept him! Your significant other is hurting. He made “forever” promises, in front of family and friends only to have that end. That type of pain is hard to imagine. Now here you two are 3 years later talking about making those same promises again.

Third, give your boyfriend some time. Discuss with him openly and frankly but with understanding and compassion, what your future  family picture looks like, and ask him what his looks like. You need to discuss, practically speaking, what he means when he makes the statement that “his children come first”. Would this include children that the two of you may have? Does he think that he could ever completely open his heart to love fully again? Put out some hypothetical situations and explain to him your fears. Ask the questions that may seem hard but fair and see what his responses are. He may just surprise you with the answers.

Just keep in mind that he’s scared…but willing. I hope that this helps you and please let me now how thing are going with you four.

Regards,
Sherry

Deesha adds a P.S.:

It was really interesting for me to read about our Yough river “adventure” from Sherry’s perspective.  Last summer, we posted about the same event here.

Alisha, in addition to Sherry’s great advice, two books that I would recommend for you that I found extremely helpful as a step-mom-to-be are The Package Deal by Izzy Rose (you can read my review of it here), and Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, PhD which I’m in the middle of reading right now. Both books, but Stepmonster in particular, deal with the importance and necessity of making the couple relationship central, even though the kids are important, of course. You may also want to check out the step-dating resources offered by The Step and Blended Family Institute; they deal with precisely the issues you’re talking about, and they help couples in this early stage so that their marriages can have a strong foundation.

Best,
~Deesha