We love, love, love to hear about co-parenting families that are able to cooperate for their children’s sake…even after the introduction of a new significant other.    In the guest-post below, CoParenting101 reader Lauren Navratil shares a blueprint for successful co-parenting that guides her post-divorce reality.  Recently, we became fans of Lauren’s honest, insightful, and engaging blog, My Life, Incomplete. Many thanks to Lauren for her openness and for sharing her hard-won wisdom here with our readers. We have so much to learn from each others’ journeys!

Lauren and Braden

“Parenting is More Than Just Putting a Roof Over Your Kids’ Heads”

by Lauren Navratil

On my blog, My Life, Incomplete, I write about my life as a divorced, 30-something single mom of a now four-year-old boy.  I share stories of our adventures together, talk about my journey of self-discovery, disclose some details about the reasons I am divorced, express a lot of gratitude for all of my blessings, and talk about my co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband from time to time.

One of my favorite posts, which received great reader response, is The Icing on My Divorce Cake.  It’s about my appreciation for the other woman in my son’s life – my ex-husband’s girlfriend.  I didn’t arrive at this kind of acceptance overnight.  It took some time to get where we are today.  During the course of that time, I learned a thing or two about how to be a single parent in a way that ensures a positive environment for my son in which he can thrive.

Here, I’m going to share with fellow co-parents you some guidelines on how to put your children’s needs first.

Children do not choose divorce. This is something that happens to them.  And barring situations involving substance abuse and personal abuse (physical, emotional, etc.), it’s an unfortunate life event for all children who go through it.  It’s our job, as parents, to put our own issues aside and put every ounce of energy we have into creating a supportive environment for our children of divorce. Chances are good that during the period of marital decline, the kids received less of you and your ex than they deserved.  Now that you’re split, it’s time to make it up to them.

In order to do so, you have to live by this statement:  “Parenting” is more than just putting a roof over your kids’ heads. Here are some guidelines for how to do so:

1.  Reprioritize your life, putting your children’s needs first.

• Decide on the values that you want to instill in your children going forward, and develop a plan for doing so. This should involve collaboration with your ex to ensure your kids are getting the same message at both homes.

• Set rules and expectations. Divorced parents tend to carry a lot of guilt for what they’ve done to their children.  This is often compensated for by allowing the children to run the house.  But children of divorce need rules and expectations as much, if not more than, the children of in-tact homes.

• Create an environment where your kids feel comfortable sharing their honest feelings openly. Children of divorce have a lot to sort out.  Make it known that you are available for them to speak freely about their emotions, ask questions, and vent without consequence.

• Adjust your lifestyle to meet your family’s needs. This may mean that you downsize your home, eliminate an annual vacation or shop at Target rather than Macy’s.  It may mean that Santa brings a few less Christmas presents.  Or perhaps it means bedtime is moved, you only get to yoga class when the kids are with your ex or you work late a few less days a week.  Whatever it means for you, it should be your priority to provide for your children and be available to them the best you can.  This will likely require some sacrifice on your part.

2.  Do not use your children as a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on.

They need you; not the other way around.  Find a friend, a counselor or an adult family member to console you, to vent to and to ask advice of. It is important to understand, and often overlooked, that children (all children) should be guarded from the stress of adult matters – matters such as financial troubles, relationship issues, anger, etc.  They are not intellectually or emotionally equipped to process adult matters, and understand them in the proper context.  Exposing them to such matters causes them confusion and emotional pain.

Children of divorce often feel that they have to be strong for their suffering parent, and internalize these emotions – therefore assuming the burden of their parent’s pain.  Teenagers are particularly likely to assume this burden, as they spend those delicate years proving that “they’re not kids.”  Do not be fooled.  These kids are hurting.

3.  Have an open mind regarding the value that other people can bring to your children’s lives.

This isn’t easy; I understand that.  It requires a level of trust that doesn’t come naturally for most people, especially when it comes to their children. And it’s nearly impossible for people who are exceptionally insecure.  The idea of a stranger (to you) making an impression on your children is hard to swallow if you’re not secure in your worthiness of your children’s love or your adequacy as a parent.  But the fact of the matter is that you’re divorced, and that means that you made the decision to give up some amount of control over your kids’ lives and all control over your ex’s life.

You can no longer expect to know everyone that comes into your children’s lives, but you should definitely do your homework, keep yourself in the loop and take the time to meet the new people who will be interacting with your kids.

And finally, open up your mind.  There are good people out there that you don’t happen to know.  People very different from yourself are capable of contributing something positive to your kids’ experience of life.  Welcome it.  Your children will be better for it.

4.  Do not speak ill of – rather, exemplify a positive relationship with – your ex.

You had children with this person, which means that at some point, you felt that he/she was qualified to parent your kids.  Regardless of the reasons your relationship failed, your children identify themselves with your ex.  When you insult your ex, you are insulting your children. The impact of this happens on a subconscious level.  Don’t assume that because your children do not defend their other parent, or even partake in the bashing, that they are not hurt by it.

I came to the realization of these guidelines through my experience as an ex-wife with a new girlfriend in her ex’s life, and as a girlfriend with an ex-wife in her boyfriend’s life.  I hope that sharing what I’ve learned from my experience will help other co-parents recognize the impact of their behavior on their children’s emotional well-being.  If you care to discuss my philosophy on co-parenting, feel free to email me at mylifeincomplete@gmail.com

I’d like to thank Mike and Deesha for welcoming me to the Co-Parenting 101 community with open arms.  I’ve learned a lot from them, and look forward to a continued connection with them and you.

You’re welcome, Lauren!

You can share your co-parenting story with our readers by clicking here, or email us at info AT coparenting101 DOT org.