We love, love, love to hear about co-parenting families that are able to cooperate for their children’s sake. We have so much to learn from each others’ journeys! We cyber-met Friend of CoParenting101 Lauren Navratil through Twitter and her wonderful blog, My Life, Incomplete. This Sunday, she will be our guest on Co-Parenting Matters. The topic: “My Co-Parent Has a New Partner…Now What?And yes, Lauren will be joined on the show by her ex, David, and his girlfriend, Sylvia, to talk about how they make it all work. In the guest-post below, Lauren shares a recent turning point in her son’s life as a child of divorced parents.
Lauren and Braden
“Mom, I wish my dad would live at your house so we could all be together all the time.”
Well, break my heart!
It was bound to happen. At some point, Braden, age 4, was going to acknowledge that his mom and dad don’t live together. I just didn’t think that point would be last week. I wasn’t prepared – I hadn’t read up. What was I supposed to say to this?
Nor was I ready for the look on the faces of my family members who were there for this time-stopping moment. I swear their faces had written across them: “Look what you’ve done!” and “Oh, that poor boy!” and “You selfish woman!” and the worst of then all: “Bad mom!”
After scanning the room, I looked back to Braden, who was putting on his shoes so that we could go home after a nice family dinner. He was smiling – on to the next thing. As though those heart-breaking words had never left his mouth. He’s all “what can I bring for show and tell tomorrow?” and I’m all Oh my God! My poor baby!!!
Braden’s dad and I split when Braden was just shy of two. After a very difficult year of marriage, we agreed that we would be better off parting ways, than to stay the rocky course. But we didn’t come to that decision easily. We each struggled, separately, with the possible outcomes. I recall thinking to myself time and time again, Am I tied by a decision I made at 18 for the rest of my life because we have a child? Does it make sense to live the rest of my life unfulfilled so that our son grows up with married parents?
My ex-husband wanted to fix our marriage (probably more than I did), but when we finally concluded that it wasn’t getting better, we had some tough choices to make.
Do we stay together just for Braden? He’s not even two. He’ll never experience a normal family life. Is that fair?
If we stay together and “settle” for this life, are we just postponing the inevitable, at which point we’ll be stripping away from Braden the family life he had grown to know?
What about siblings? He deserves siblings! How can we split up before Braden has a little brother or sister? (At this point, and I don’t know if Ex-Husband would even admit to it, we actually put the possibility of staying together just long enough to make another baby on the table. It was quickly discarded – but it was there for a moment, nonetheless.)
We weighed all of our options, and ultimately decided that if we split while Braden was still a baby, we would at least be sparing him the experience of his family falling apart. He will always be a child of divorce, yes. But at least he doesn’t have to go through divorce. And if we split while he’s young, it gives us plenty of time to create a sense of “normal” for him, in his two-home life before he starts school, sports, etc.
So we did it. We got divorced as amicably as possible. We share custody — legal and physical — 50/50. We share expenses – 50/50. We share responsibility – 50/50. Most importantly, we share the joy of raising our son – 50/50.
We’ve reached a point where we need to consider how we will talk about our family situation with Braden. I was reminded last week that we need to be prepared for the questions that are coming our way. And we need to be on the same page, so as not to cause confusion.
While Braden’s comment sent pangs of guilt through me and a feeling of pity for him, in hindsight, it was nice to hear that he is aware of his situation, and that he feels comfortable sharing his feelings about it openly.
“Oh, you goof! You know your dad can’t live at my house. There’s not enough room for him, Girlfriend and [your dog]! Besides, if he lived with us, then it wouldn’t be as special when we spend the holidays together.”
“Yeah, I know. Mom! What toy can I bring to show and tell!?”
Be sure to tune in to Co-Parenting Matters, 9:30 -11 PM EST every Sunday. Have a question for Lauren, David, Sylvia, or us for this week’s show? You can send them in advance of the show to info AT coparenting101 DOT org.
And, as always, we welcome your co-parenting stories and guest posts!
Great article. I can totally relate, both personally and professionally. Kudos to you and Braden’s father for working so well together for him. It isn’t easy, but obviously your son is thriving. And great job modeling for others going through it that it is possible to divorce as amicably as possible and work together to co-parent children!
Great post, Lauren. And, I’ve been there! It hasn’t come up for us in a long time. My son seems to understand on some level that *this* is what his family is, like you said, this is his “normal”, and it is still a *whole* family. We chose not to give him a two-parent household with Mommy and Daddy under the same roof, but we work really hard to give him the next best thing. And, today, he seems to be a happy, well-adjusted, high-achieving, thriving child. My hope is that if we keep doing the work on ourselves and continue to grow as parents and partners, our son will feel whole and loved and powerful. Kudos to the two of you. Stay on your path.