In order to give our kids the best foundation, we have to work together, and in order to work together, we have to respect each other in words and deeds. For me that means even when I don’t trust him as I once did, I have to trust the decision I made all those years ago [to marry him and have children] and trust that he is the very best father to our children he can be and will make the very best decisions with them in mind, and he must do the very same for me.

Those words of hard-won wisdom come from Friend of CoParenting101 and co-parenting mom, Blurbette.  After I (Deesha) read a recent post on her site entitled,”Co-Parenting Rescue and Recovery Mission Accomplished…Almost”, I knew it was a story we needed to share with our readers.  When I told Blurbette how compelling I found her family’s story to be, she told me, “It wasn’t pretty. I thought I was SUPERCOParent.”  Here’s Blurbette’s extremely candid and emotionally raw account of co-parenting gone wrong, then made right:

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It’s been about 3 months since the ship carrying my once ideal co-parenting after divorce relationship capsized. I’m not the best swimmer, but I made my way across the jagged rocks and thankfully was helped to shore by words of wisdom from The Homie, my mom, and a fabulous website run by Deesha, a new Twitter friend of mine at Co-Parenting101.org. Though I am on dry land, I may still need some help navigating the trails to find my way back home.

I really thought I had all of the answers. I’ve experienced marriage and divorce (and certainly dating) in every role; as the adoring daughter, the scornful step-daughter, the step-son (yep) one of my step-fathers always dreamed of having sitting next to him in the boat or at the baseball game, the dreaded ex-wife, the compassionate ex-wife, and the concerned and sometimes overprotective mother after divorce. Thing is, none of that prepares you for EVERY challenge. You’re dealing with different people with different experiences, all bringing a different dynamic to the table and what may have your “I’ve seen it before” arsenal may not serve as preparation for what’s in front of you.

Such was the case when Ex-Factor moved back into the house with the presumption of preparing it for sale; a sale I was never in favor of. We discussed it, sure, but mostly I listened to all the ways it would supposedly benefit me when inside I was certain none of it would but it would without question benefit him. Add to that Ex-Factor simultaneously starting a new relationship, the first post-divorce, the very week he moved in and we definitely hadn’t discussed that. Oh, we did high level stuff where I encouraged him to get back into the scene, even urging him to step up his game with an online acquaintance, now the New-Factor but we never got into the nitty gritty. We never discussed how living as room-mates would bring back memories, some unpleasant, of having been man and wife under the very same roof.

We never discussed how we would handle date nights and I got really resentful because while he could come and go as he pleased, this was MY house, my residence and him moving in pretty much ended any romantic dinners I had planned with a new interest.  I don’t think most men would feel comfortable sitting down to a candlelit table over Reisling and romantic edibles with the kids—who now would be in the house full time—running around and your Ex casually walking by in his boxers with a load of laundry to take to the basement.  Though I tried to sit down and explain some of this to Ex-Factor, I believe his mind was occupied by self and the newness of dating…he just didn’t hear me. My attempts to verbalize these issues with my feelings running amok probably only clouded the matter more.

Sure there was also a fair amount of jumbled emotions each time he returned from a fabulous night out with his New-Factor. How was I to feel after a man I spent 17 years with stumbled through the door deliriously happy, knowing I didn’t put that smile on his face? There just aren’t enough books on the subject but from my own experience I can tell you the answer is hurt, angry, resentful, more hurt, more angry and more resentful. While I was happy for him to get on with his life when he lived more than a mile from me, it was altogether different having it thrown in my face when he took breaks from “family” movie time to text or call his New-Factor. Since I had always kept my private life private since the divorce and never involved him or our children, it was something we just hadn’t dealt with before and we weren’t prepared. I wasn’t prepared.

Even holidays were embroiled in conflict, when Mother’s day came along and I felt slighted because there was no gift or card from the kids, no breakfast in bed as I would have received during the days of marital bliss and the two of us failed to communicate how we would handle such holidays under the same roof. For the record—Handle Father’s Day and Mother’s Day as proper etiquette would dictate…when you have minor children, you do for the other parent on their behalf WITH them because it’s your job as parent to foster that acknowledgment and thoughtful nature in them.

Sure enough, we found that the breakdown in communication was too much for us and he had to find another place to live. Now I had more hurt, anger and resentment to contend with, his.  For weeks every conversation ended with a slam of the phone or a string of expletives. We tried to co-parent by attending the Spring show and kindergarten graduation together, but both events ended in tears from at least 3 of the involved parties. Ex-Factor threatened me with legal action and I provided him with a Check-mate of my own. The war was on! We would have perfectly agreeable days that turned into bitter argument filled nights. And all of this was destroying our children.

Our daughter felt torn and continues to eavesdrop on phone conversations afraid they might turn into yet another fight. She has now become the mediator. Our son has taken to acting out physically and emotional. Even a request to pick up his Legos can reduce him to tears. Bottom line, Ex-Factor and I have been awful parents for the last few months. All of our efforts and arguments supposedly for the best interest of the kids haven’t been serving the kids well at all. We’ve made them miserable and ourselves enemies in the process. It had to end…and after a lengthy heart to heart with Ex-Factor last night, hopefully it has.

Depressed from this chaos and then going through a medical crisis and dental emergency left me a shut-in. I stopped going out with friends, refused to chat on the phone and basically camped out in my bedroom until a friend called on Sunday to confront me. “You have 30 minutes to get ready. We’re on our way.” He wasn’t going to let me shut him or any of my other friends out anymore. He refused to let me sit alone and brood. He picked me up and we spent the next two days having fun with The Crew and the kiddies with deep conversation sprinkled in from time to time. Those conversations put things into perspective and helped to get me back in the right frame of mind to not just co-parent more effectively and respectfully but also to parent with the children’s best interest again. Not MY best interest and not Ex-Factor’s best interest but the best interest of those two beautiful and amazing children we made together.

While I don’t believe an overnight miracle has occurred, there are several things I intend to do differently from now on:

I’m done trying to be Ex-Factor’s best friend- We can be friends again and good ones, but if we had the ability to love, honor and cherish one another they way BFFs do, then we would probably still be married. We’ve proven time and again that we don’t make good boundaries as friends. For now, the best we can do is to be respectful to and about one another and trust the other with being the best parent they can be to our children.

No more covering for the other parent or harassing them into behaving the way I want-If I screw up as a parent, my kids will recognize it and call me on it. That’s one of the benefits (sometimes a benefit) of raising healthy, happy children that feel free to express their opinions within and about the values you’re raising them with. If Ex-Factor screws up, I don’t need to send an email with a tally. His screw ups reflect on him and him alone the same way mine reflect on me and me alone. We aren’t an entity anymore…we’re divorced and each of us has to stand alone in the spotlight be it for grace or shame.

My business is my own and his business is his own…EVEN when it affects the children-Now I understand why my mother was so adamant that I not discuss the things that went on at her house with my father…it wasn’t his business. Keep in mind, I’m not talking abuse, illegal or immoral activities or legitimate complaints about child rearing here, I’m speaking of different house, different rules. If Daddy lets them drink out of the milk carton and use the same spoon in the peanut butter AND the jelly at his house, that’s his business.  The caveat to that is for things that DO have an impact on the children emotionally or physically, I absolutely WILL discuss those matters with Ex-Factor, but discuss and discuss only. I can’t dictate or demand.

Part of my clarity on that stems from something I read on Co-Parenting 101 about “Step-Dating”. I had an A-ha  moment when I read that sometimes a parent will say, “The kids aren’t ready to meet your new girlfriend” and what they really mean is “I’m not ready…for this change,” and with Ex-Factor and his New-Factor, I think it was a 50/50 split of both of those. While my 9 year old was fine with her dad dating, our 6 year old wasn’t. We had to have many conversations because he worried New-Factor’s child would replace him with his father.

My mistake was that instead of just discussing it with Ex-Factor and trusting him to act and react appropriately; I allowed all the deeds of recent weeks to taint the image he has spent 9 years proving as a good and decent father. I didn’t trust him anymore. With that lack of trust, I didn’t feel confident he would honor my role as a co-parent either. I struggled with the dating thing but not because I didn’t want him to be happy or thought he should stay alone forever but because of how it came into my life and all that accompanied it. But again, we’re not married anymore and we’re not BFFs. My struggle is my own to deal with and I’m not going to badger Ex-Factor by making my problem his.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T – I made a good decision 15 years ago to marry Ex-Factor and two even better decisions when we decided to have children. Our vision for our future didn’t work out with us together but ultimately that vision was for a happy me, a happy him and two happy, healthy and well-adjusted kids. Our divorce doesn’t have to mitigate that vision. In order to bring it into fruition, we both have to have respect for each other. We share children so we will always be in each other’s lives at graduations, weddings, the births of grandchildren and linked throughout the remainder of time. In order to give our kids the best foundation we have to work together and in order to work together we have to respect each other in words and deeds. For me that means even when I don’t trust him as I once did, I have to trust the decision I made all those years ago and trust that he is the very best father to our children he can be and will make the very best decisions with them in mind and he must do the very same for me.

I’m sure the waters ahead will not always be calm, but I’ve got a brand new life vest and a trusty crew to help keep me on course and to assist me in navigating through the waves as they appear.