Patience is also a form of action.–Auguste Rodin

Rodin probably wasn’t talking about co-parenting when he said, “Patience is also a form of action,” but this is definitely an observation (and an attitude) that co-parents can benefit from. How? Let us count the ways…

1.       A patient co-parent ignores a vitriolic email, call, or text from his ex, or waits and responds to it calmly after letting it “marinate” overnight (or longer).  By doing so, you’re telling the other parent that you’re not going to match anger for anger, and that you’ll only respond to valid concerns related to your child, not accusations and attacks.  Waiting until the other parent calms down–or waiting until you are calm–before communicating, can minimize the drama.

2.       A patient co-parent doesn’t fly off the handle at every complaint a child makes about the other parent.  Some situations warrant an immediate response, if there’s harm or the potential for it; others just play themselves out without a conversation or confrontation.  Being patient gives you a chance to be thoughtful about approaching the other parent with concerns…or not.

 3.       A patient co-parent gives her ex a reasonable chance to grieve and process the break-up.  The circumstances of a break-up (not to mention the different personalities of those involved) can influence how co-parents interact in the fall-out, at least in the short-term.  Recognize that your ex’s anger may dissipate, given time and space to heal.  In the meantime, remember that the only person you can control is yourself. Interact in good faith and with an eye toward a more congenial partnership in the future—not an eye for an eye.

4.      Patient co-parents give themselves a reasonable chance to grieve and process the break-up. While it may be hard to see past your present pain and anger, give it time…don’t settle into your post-break-up rut and disposition as a new identity.  Understand that you and your children are worth the effort it takes to get on the other side of your grief.   On the flip side, no one is served by your pretending that you’re Okay or that the break-up didn’t affect you.  Take the time to acknowledge the hurt and the loss, so that you can heal from it.

 5.       A patient co-parent recognizes that while he may be ready to introduce his children to his new significant other, his children may not be ready for the introduction.  Taking things slowly can be an investment in the success of a future step-parent/step-child relationship.

6.       A patient co-parent allows her children to arrive at their own realizations and conclusions about the other parent.  “Bigger co-parents” especially may want their children to know how manipulative or irresponsible the other parent is.  It’s frustrating and even painful being the parent that’s always on the defensive, always the disciplinarian (“bad cop”), always buying the school clothes, or always on the sidelines of their children’s lives—while the other parent seems to always get away with bad or negligent behavior.  But resist the urge to badmouth the other parent to your children…even if these things are true.

Many parents of teens, and even young adults themselves, report “a-ha” moments when the children, now older, begin to see parental manipulation or neglect for themselves. And they see it without the extra burden of hearing both parents speaking ill of one another.  A patient co-parent knows that children benefit when at least one parent commits to staying above the fray and staying the course; this is indeed a loving action.

How has patience been a form of effective action in your co-parenting journey?