“My ex brings the fuel and I refuse to light the match.”

This wonderful nugget of wisdom comes from CD, an active member of the CoParenting101.org group on Facebook.  CD also made the following observation from the trenches of his co-parenting situation:

Funny how standing your ground (or reinforcing established boundaries) is more effective when you don’t return anger. In most cases, anger is a clear sign of needs and/or wants unfulfilled.

CD’s words bring to mind several truths that can help us to be our best selves as co-parents:

1. The only person you can control is yourself.

2. It takes two to fight.

3.  Just as we teach our children to take responsibility for their actions and choices, we must do the same.  You can’t say, “My ex made me light the match!”

4. Maintaining boundaries is essential to a functional co-parenting partnership.

5. Your co-parent may lash out at you, but her vitriol isn’t always about you.  But it’s easier (and more familiar) to fight with your ex than it is to be introspective, to take responsibility for what’s missing in your own life, or to do the emotional work required to truly put the old relationship behind you and move on.

CD’s fuel/fire analogy reminded us of something another co-parenting dad shared  once:

My ex reminds me of Wile E. Coyote, always trying to blow up the Roadrunner (that’s me) or drop heavy objects on him.  And all of his schemes backfire, and while he ends up burned to a crisp or flattened or falling off the edge of a cliff, Roadrunner just keeps speeding past, oblivious, not even acknowledging him.  I’m not oblivious to my ex’s anger, but I don’t let it destroy me either.

Sometimes humor can help you keep your cool when things get heated.

We reject the cultural presumption that divorce has to be synonymous wit acrimony and that kids have to be casualties, even years down the road because one parent or both wouldn’t stop playing with matches.  You don’t have to be friends with your ex, but you can commit, for your children’s sake, to being the bigger co-parent.  That’s not always an easy task, but your children deserve your best effort.

So the next time your ex wants you to light his fire, refuse. Because–to paraphrase the immortal words of Smokey the Bear–”Only YOU can prevent co-parenting fires.”

Come join the conversation on our Facebook page!  A diverse group of co-parents engage there, and they have lots to say about not letting their exes’ anger get the best of them.