Archive for the ‘Bitter’ Category


Forgiveness doesn’t make the other person right.  It sets you free.–Becca, Epitome of Sass

Healing from your break-up, even if you were the one who initiated, is an integral part of moving on.  Parents who successfully move on are also more likely to succeed at maintaining a respectful and civil co-parenting arrangement.  For some, however, forgiveness is hard to grant because it feels a lot like letting the other person “off the hook” for whatever wrongs they committed in the marriage, or during and since the divorce process.  But Becca reminds us of the true power of forgiveness. Forgiveness frees us from the burden of bitterness, scorekeeping, and grudge holding.  Grudges are heavy loads to bear; they restrict our movement.  Without them, more of our energy and time is available for more edifying ways of being in the world; we are more fully present as parents, friends, lovers, professionals, change makers.

When we forgive, we are, by our example, teaching our children healthy ways of coping with pain, anger, and disappointment, which are inevitable throughout the course of our lives.  We teach them how to live freely and not in perpetual reaction to what someone else does or doesn’t do.

Consider what we teach them then when we are unforgiving.

If you haven’t forgiven your fellow co-parent his or her transgressions…what’s stopping you from getting free and moving on?

image: flickr

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Posted under Bitter, Co-Parenting ABCs, Healing, Quote of the Day  |  Comments  No Comments  |
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Last Updated on Wednesday, 21 July 2010 | 07:58

“Your emotional conditions create your financial conditions.”

–Yvonne Bynoe, a self-sufficiency coach for women and creator of Sophisticated Woman and Mama

Let’s face it.  Divorce is hard.  On children, on parents, family and friends.  Practically, emotionally, and indeed, financially.  And that’s just the reality of taking the same income, or incomes, and stretching it across 2 households instead of one.  Then of cour$e, thee are lawyer$’ fee$.

That said, there is another level of divorce-related financial distress that has more to do with feelings than legalities and logistics.  It’s not that money is the root cause of most divorces (Turns out, that bit of conventional wisdom is not supported statistically: “If we look at all the causes of divorce, financial problems can only account for 5% of the effect.”).  So what are the emotion-fueled money problems we’ve heard about from divorced and divorcing co-parents?

~excessive retail therapy (“The first thing he did once the ink was dry on our divorce decree was buy a motorcycle.  His dream toy, I understand, but that was not the time to do that.  And within a three months, bill collectors were calling the house looking for him.  Child support?  Not a dime.”)

~poor budgeting and planning (“I encouraged her to put together a post-divorce budget because we both had some belt-tightening to do.  But she was so pissed at me, she told me to mind my business.  She was right; it really was none of my business, except that she’s now in financial free-fall due to overspending and failure to pay her bills.  Our kids are suffering, and she’s still pissed at me, this time because I won’t bail her out.”)

~revenge and rebound spending (“All the stuff he never bought for me, I went out and bought for myself before he could blow any more of it on his new girlfriend.  After he took her to Mexico with OUR money, he tried to close out our joint savings account; too bad I got to it first.  Now he’s crying poor mouth, and I don’t care.  If I have to struggle and do without, so should he.  After all, he’s the one who wanted the divorce, not me.” )

~failure to become adequately educated on issues such as child support, alimony, divorce-related tax and consumer debt considerations, and property settlements (“She is really ignorant as to how divorce works.  She thinks child support is “mom payments” or something, like she’s entitled, even though we have shared custody and the formula comes out with me not having to pay her child support.  Because she feels like I ‘owe’ her emotionally because I was a failure in the marriage–I admit that–she’s obsessed with trying to make me ‘pay’ financially, even when it makes no sense, even if she’s ruining herself financially in the process of trying to get back at me.  I think that had she educated herself about how all this stuff works, and stop focusing all of her energy on me, she might not be in such a hole right now.”

Even though no gender has a monopoly on emotionally charged money misbehavior, Yvonne Bynoe, a self-sufficiency coach for women and creator of Sophisticated Woman and Mama, notes, “Many women fall into that trap.  They get emotional about money and don’t plan for their needs, or they try to use money matters as a weapon.It’s not the other person’s job to look out for our interests. In this day and  age, you can look up information online.”

So what does this mean for co-parents whose emotions are running high with negative implications for their financial situation?  Our best advice: Heal.  Address the emotions that are understandably a part of your personal landscape in the wake of your break up.  Even if it was 5 or 10 years ago, what you may chalk up to as “money problems”, may have roots in unresolved anger, resentment, fear, and disappointment.  Deal with the emotions, and see if your financial circumstances don’t change in some way.

For more information and help recovering financially from your divorce or making a divorce financial game plan, check out Yvonne’s coaching programs and other products and services here.

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Posted under Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, Bitter, Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting Stories, Divorce, Finances, Healing, Problem...Solved, Quote of the Day, Resources  |  Comments  No Comments  |
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Last Updated on Friday, 16 July 2010 | 09:25

“I had bit my tongue so many times I was surprised that I wasn’t constantly bleeding profusely from the mouth.  I endured constant criticism of my parenting skills while my ex-husband swooped in like ‘Uncle Daddy.’”

Below, an anonymous Friend of Co-Parenting 101 offers an honest and revealing account of her struggle to honor her children’s right to have a relationship with their father, regardless of his failings. Read on to find out how she made the transition from a place of bitterness to become The Bigger Co-Parent:

I didn’t learn to be the bigger parent until about a year after my divorce.  I clearly remember arguing with my ex-husband over the phone over a variety of topics, then hanging up and mindlessly muttering some colorful expletive within earshot of my son and daughter.  My best friend would tell me to be the bigger person, to which I would reply, “It’s hard to be the bigger person when you’re only 5’1”!”

Then someone said to me, “Every time you speak negatively about their father, you’re insulting half of their DNA.”  Wow.  Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.  I never quite thought about it like that before.  When he walked out, in my brain he walked out on all three of us and the kids were somehow magically 100% mine.  I was so wrapped up in my own hurt and disbelief that it didn’t occur to me that they would still identify with him or that they’d still want to be with someone who proved time and time again that being a father was an inconvenience.  I wasn’t thinking about what the kids needed deep down in their hearts.

Then I met Jeff.  Jeff is the kind of man that makes you want to be a better person.  From the very beginning, he shared his life’s philosophy of “unconditional love”.  He encouraged me to extend that to my ex-husband, not only to heal my heart, but to set a good example for the kids.  Jeff modeled his philosophy on numerous occasions with several people in his life that objected to our relationship (we have a child together and have chosen to remain unmarried).  In his particular case, love (and cooler heads) always wins out.

I decided to change my tune and I started speaking more diplomatically about my ex-husband.  He continued to try to engage me in arguments, but I wouldn’t play.  In a fit of anger he said, “The kids are going to figure out what a piece of shit you are” to which I replied, “I guess they will.”

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Posted under Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, Bigger Co-Parent Fatigue Syndrome, Bitter, Child Support, Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting Stories, Happy endings, Healing, Problem...Solved, step-dating  |  Comments  5 Comments  |
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Last Updated on Wednesday, 14 July 2010 | 12:38