A reader writes:

I’m curious if there is anyone out there that has managed to coparent a child that was conceived outside of one (or both) parent’s marriage and the parent(s) remained with their spouse(s). I am a single mother of a toddler.  Her father and I had a fairly lengthy off/on relationship that ended abruptly when I found out that I was pregnant and decided to have my child. My relationship with my child’s father and his wife is not good.  Actually, things seem to go fairly well as long as I do what they want.  But since that is not always possible, it has been a constant battle.

We have a parenting agreement filed in court.  For instance, part of the agreement states that he would carry our child on his health insurance and any other (dental, vision) if available.  But, I didn’t consider the fact that I’m dealing with a very spiteful man, and failed to have it written in the agreement that he be responsible for giving me the ID cards for any insurance that our child has.  Therefore, after months of begging for a card (and him giving false promises that he would give them to me), a judge finally had to order that he give me the cards considering our child is primarily with me.  Unfortunately, when we received the order, the judge only stated that he give me the “health” card.  So, here I am, waiting for dental and vision cards.  As long as I don’t ask for the cards, there’s no problem!

Our agreement does not contain anything related to money .  Our courts do not allow it.  In fact, we had to be very careful about how we worded the part about the insurance coverage because the courts will sometimes look at that as financial.  So, against my gut feeling, I allowed my child’s father to give me child support on his own.  He promised a certain amount at the first of each month.  There was never any negotiation about the amount, but I was willing to try it his way to avoid conflict.  I warned him that I would have to go through Child Support Enforcement if he did not follow through.  He laughed (sarcastically) and said, “I’m good… It doesn’t matter to me either way”.  Considering he didn’t do anything for two years prior to this promise, I should have known better.

After a few months of him failing to follow through, I filed for Child Support Enforcement to assist me with getting what my daughter deserved.  At that point I couldn’t say anything to him without him blowing up.  Going through Child Support Enforcement is a long process if the other parent does not cooperate.  So naturally, in the meantime, I still expected him to help out.  He’d tell me “You got those people on me, so you’re going to have to wait it out.” He requested a second DNA test (holding up the process).

And after the second DNA test came out positive (just like the first), CSE calculated the amount he would have to pay according to the state guidelines.  He lied to the CSE agent and told her we had already agreed on an amount (much less than CSE’s calculation).  Ultimately, I told CSE I wanted to go by the guidelines and they informed me that he was contesting the amount. Therefore we would have to go to court.  A court date was set – months away.  There were times when he’d go two months without providing any support.  And if I asked him for anything, there was sure to be an argument.  As long as I didn’t ask for any help, we were fine.

Our parenting agreements states that no third party is supposed to be involved in our written or verbal communication.  Yet, his wife is in the middle of everything.  I’ve told her that I don’t need to speak with her about anything and that her involvement in our conversations is actually making matters worse (she tends to take over and I end up hearing more from her than I do my child’s father).  I reminded them both that the parenting agreement states communication is to be between the parents only.  She insists she’s going to be involved because she’s his wife.  He has told me on more than one occasion that things are going to be better if I talk to his wife.  In fact, he says if our child needs something I can just ask his wife… that I don’t even need to speak to him.  So, as long as I follow their rules, things will be better.

I feel like my opinion doesn’t matter.  And, more importantly, I feel like everyone else’s needs/wants are being put above our child’s.  I’m just interested to know if any others are in this situation.  Considering how our child was conceived outside of a marriage… a marriage that still exists, it makes co-parenting even more challenging. I’m just wondering if there is anyone out there that has managed to make a situation like this work.  I had hoped that things would get better with time, but so far it is only getting worse.

Our first thought was that this mom should spare herself the constant back and forth in court, which probably won’t result in greater cooperation from her child’s father given little or no enforcement by the family courts.  Perhaps she should just communicate with his wife, if that’s what it takes to get what her child’s needs met.  We reached out to parenting coordinator Brooke Randolph to ask her advice.  Read on for her response…