Archive for the ‘Fathers’ Category


For co-parents who have been alienated or otherwise disconnected from their kids, here’s a message of hope that  a divorced dad recently shared with us:

A father’s prayer was answered when after over 20 years of separation from his two children, a joyful reunion has finally taken place.  Separated from their father due to a divorce that tore the family apart, hurt the children and with circumstances, left the father at a disadvantage for many years.  This father was hurting greatly because he has always loved his son and daughter.  During the years of separation, he kept believeing that one day, a way would be made to reconcile with his children, because you see, he never wanted to be separated from them in the first place.  He was raised by a wonderful mother but he had no father in the home, and his vow was that he would always be there for his kids and as it turned out, he didn’t keep his vow.

Nevertheless, God is merciful and He knows our heart, He cares and we should care also.  Now this father can’t get back the years of pain and separation  and the children are well over thirthy years old, but there’s a fresh start and a new beginning that’s happening now.

image

More
Posted under Co-Parenting Stories, Divorce, Fathers, Happy endings, Healing  |  Comments  No Comments  |
  • Share/Bookmark
Last Updated on Sunday, 18 July 2010 | 07:47

"Come again? You expect me to do what???"

A few weeks ago, Friend of Co-Parenting101 Heather, founder of CafeSmom.com, posted a provocative guest-post from a co-parenting mom, SassySingleMama (SSM)– a list of 12 things SSM felt a stepmom should do/be. The commenters on this post were quite the tough crowd, and generally weren’t feeling SSM’s list. I (Deesha) decided to use SSM’s list as a springboard for a conversation about stepmothering with Sherry, Mike’s wife and our kids’ stepmom. I wear a stepmom hat too, so I was doubly interested in comparing notes with Sherry on this. Last week, Sherry and I talked about items #1-#3 of the list in this post. The conversation continues below as we discuss #4-#11.

(Note: The chat log has been edited for clarity, privacy, and, um, decorum, but SSM’s list items are unedited)

4)Don’t talk bad. Yes there are bad mothers out there! But its not your business. Don’t make a child feel they have to choose between the two families! Children are innocent and have the right to love someone even with faults.

Sherry : This to me just shows her immaturity.

Deesha: This is another one of those where if the bio-mom is the one who feels compelled to say it, the stepmom probably isn’t going to listen.  This would be better coming from the dad, or someone else with a good rapport with the stepmom.  Again, this is not bad advice, but I don’t feel it’s appropriate for the kind of “sit down” between stepmom, bio-mom, and the dad, that SSM described in her introduction.

More
Posted under Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting Stories, Fathers, Happy endings, Healing, Mothers, Problem...Solved, Remarriage, Resources, Stepfamilies, step-dating  |  Comments  7 Comments  |
  • Share/Bookmark
Last Updated on Monday, 5 July 2010 | 09:29

"Come again? You expect me to do what???"

A few weeks ago, Friend of Co-Parenting101 Heather, founder of CafeSmom.com, posted a provocative guest-post from a co-parenting mom, SassySingleMama (SSM).  In the post, by way of introduction, SSM explained that she is the

“…mom of two boys who are about to be blessed with a smom of their own. Honestly, I’m not worried! My children’s father would not bring a woman around unless she is a good person. I have also met her on several family dinner nights!

“Yes that’s right I’m a very unusual woman who wants nothing but the best for my kids father and part of that is getting to know his new love. I wouldn’t say I’m the controlling type but family means the world to me, and making sure my boys have stable loving homes is priority. So I plan to have a “normal” friendship with this new woman. And that includes the three of us sitting down and coming up with rules that will please both households. We must also go over strict guidelines on what punishments will go along with the rules.

“I feel my children will see her with more respect if she is not stumbling around. I want this to be a smooth transition for everyone. I would hate to see her punish the boys for something they are usually allowed to do. Even worst is the idea of hearing “but she let’s us do it!” along with these new sets of rules I sat her down the other day to talk about what our ideas on Smom means.”

SSM then followed with a list of what she thinks a stepmom should do/be.  Not surprisingly (to me (Deesha), anyway), the commenters on this post were quite the tough crowd, and generally weren’t feeling SSM’s list.  I decided to mix it up over SSM’s list with Sherry, Mike’s wife and our kids’ stepmom. I wear a stepmom hat too, so I was doubly interested in comparing notes with Sherry on this.

(Note: The chat log has been edited for clarity, privacy, and, um, decorum, but SSM’s list items are unedited)

Deesha: Okay…I think she means well.  But that intro…Respectful grown-ups don’t sit each other down unless there’s a problem.  It’s her tone. Strokes for folks, and there is definitely a wide-range of step-mothering experiences…but I can’t see how this invites dialogue.

The first item on her list:

1) Be a role model. Show the children how a woman acts and takes care of the household. My kids had to see a relationship fail once, so make sure they see love and respect.

Sherry: First of all, the relationship that’s still most important to the children is the co-parenting relationship between their parents. That’s the relationship that needs to be on point. She shouldn’t be at all worried about what’s going on at the stepmother’s house. Don’t put the burden of your failed marriage on my shoulders.

Deesha: Agreed.  But I’m wearing two hats, of course.  Thinking about this in her shoes, and in yours, and as you know, for better or for worse, I have no interaction with my bonus daughters’ mother. If she has any expectations of me in my marriage or my households, they certainly haven’t been communicated.  Well, they haven’t been communicated to me or to JB.

Also, SSM’s is being presumptuous on top of presumptuous because why does she assume that she and the soon-to-be stepmom will even agree on “how a woman acts and takes care of the household”?  Like there’s one right way.  Maybe the dad will be the primary caretaker in that house–who knows? Further “rules that please both households” may not be possible in some cases, nor is it necessary.  Different adults, their personalities, and parenting styles will dictate the rules in each household. As much consistency as possible between households certainly benefits kids, but they do adapt to differences.

And what if the stepmom doesn’t share her “plan” for a “‘normal’ friendship”?  That would be great but definitely not a requirement for this woman as a stepmother.

I think it’s true what some of the commenters on the original post said: SSM’s age (23) is really showing here. A lot of what she says isn’t  “bad”; it’s just the presumptuousness that makes me wonder how well this will go over with the soon-to-be stepmom.

More
Posted under Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting Stories, Fathers, Happy endings, Healing, Mothers, Problem...Solved, Remarriage, Resources, Stepfamilies, step-dating  |  Comments  15 Comments  |
  • Share/Bookmark
Last Updated on Thursday, 1 July 2010 | 01:19