Olivia and baby Khailil

One thing we’ve learned in the course of developing CoPaernting101.org is that our family’s co-parenting story can and has inspired and encouraged others.  As divorced parents who cooperate for the sake of our kids, we are often viewed as an anomaly, but we know that we aren’t alone.  We seek out other co-parenting success stories so that they might be an encouragement to parents as well.

We also seek to reveal the diversity of the co-parenting experience.  If there are cookie-cutter co-parents out there, we haven’t met them.  Every family we meet makes cooperative parenting work in their own unique way.

I (Deesha) met Olivia about four years ago, through a mutual friend.  I knew this bright, witty woman was a mom, but only just this past month did I learn that she is also a co-parent.  I sat down with Olivia recently to talk about her co-parenting experiences, straight no chaser:

How long have you been co-parenting?
Khailil is 7 now.  His dad, Jabari, and I split up when he was almost one.  We moved back to my hometown from Seattle, and about a year later, Jabari relocated here from Seattle as well.

What led you to move back?
I was being selfish, thinking about myself and my son.  Jabari and I became distant, things just weren’t working out, and I had no support in Seattle.  I wanted Khailil to grow up amongst a close-knit family, as I did.

How did you and Jabari decide to co-parent?
Once Jabari moved here, Khailil began spending a couple of nights with him each week, plus every other weekend.  We never went to court, never even thought about court.  And we’ve never fought about money.  He sends a check each month, and when his sales commissions are cut, we reduce child support.  We made a pact to never use Khailil as a tool.  We focus on his needs.

Jacob, Maria, and Khymi

Maria Paoletti is an urban homesteader and gardener, AmeriCorps alumna, on-again-off-again college student, musician and stepmom. At the age of 23, she fell in love with the 24-year-old noncustodial father of a four-year-old girl. Since then, she has been exploring the challenges of stepparenting, noncustodial parenting and maintaining harmonious co-parenting relationships while still growing up herself. She originally wrote this piece last summer for Small Red House, the blog she shares with her partner, when her stepdaughter was seven:

I’m still sort of decompressing from several crazy-but-wonderful weeks of summer parenting time. It’s pretty much baptism by fire for me, compared to the typical parenting learning curve, and considering I’m still somewhat new to this. It feels a little jarring to be unceremoniously thrown into “mom” mode, including being called “your mom” by many well-meaning (but presumptuous) strangers, while not actually being Khymi’s mother–not wanting to be, not pretending to be; just assuming similar responsibilities. I guess some would say a stepmother is a kind of mother, but I’m quite aware of the fact that I am not Khymi’s mother. That title has always belonged to someone else, and it always will.

On her blog, NonCustodial Parent Community, Rebekah Spicuglia captions the above picture of her and her son: “This is what ‘visitation’ looks like.”

Think you know what “noncustodial” really means?  Think again, and check out our interview with a woman whom MSN calls a “Mom Inspired to Change History”…

One of your goals in creating NCP Community is to raise awareness about the issues noncustodial parents face.  What are some of the key issues?

Noncustodial parents face many of the same challenges that custodial parents face.  We want to instill our values in our children, ensure they are doing their homework and studying for that big test tomorrow, treating others with respect .  But it is much harder to do when you aren’t in the same house as your children.

Parental disagreements are common, and a noncustodial parent can often feel helpless in decisions ranging from whether or not a child should have a cell phone to medical care.   But once you get past divorce and mediation issues and settle into everyday life, it’s engaging our children’s teachers, maintaining regular communication with our children, and arranging visitation that are the big issues.  Visitation in particular can be very difficult – there is scheduling with the custodial parent, figuring out childcare, trying to arrange playdates when you may not have much of a parenting community to speak of, and trying to make those visits really meaningful for our relationship with our children.