“I am doing my best to raise a happy, active and healthy boy. I believe that wherever possible, if the parents can cooperate and co-parent in a positive way, the child will benefit. Levi and I are turning a new page here as co-parents to this wonderful boy and putting aside the past because doing so is in Tripp’s best interests.”

–Bristol Palin (holding baby brother Trig), in a statement issued to Good Morning America

Bristol Palin said it all, so I have nothing to add except to note how various media outlets place “co-parenting” in quotation marks in their headlines for this story. I know that they are quoting her, but you don’t see headlines reporting a celebrity couple’s statement that they are “divorcing”, quote-unquote, because divorce is common parlance. By contrast, “co-parenting” is this new-fangled thing that flies in the face of the age-old presumption of a primary custodian, typically the mother, after a divorce or other break-up. Increasingly, states are changing the language and practice of family law to reflect a presumption of shared parenting instead. The best-case scenario resulting from this shift is that co-parenting becomes the norm, except in cases where it is to a child’s detriment.

But more is required than a change in presumption and lingo (“parenting time” is the new “custody and visitation”). The family court system is, by its very nature, an adversarial process–parent vs. parent–and that flies in the face of what’s best for kids. In this system, parents have incentive to vilify each other in order to “win.” But as even some lawyers will admit, there are no “winners” in family court when parents must face each other as adversaries in a tug of war over their children. In order for children to truly win, the system has to change. Judges like Michele Lowrance, author of The Good Karma Divorce, are bringing innovative changes to the domestic relations legal process.

Barring a massive overhaul of the family court system, parents would do well to take advantage of alternative approaches to traditional litigation after a break-up, such as mediation or collaborative law. But each of these also has its limits: parents must be willing to forgo their quest for emotional justice and revenge, and seek instead what’s best for their children. Only then can children win. Only when this attitude toward post-break-up parenting becomes more prevalent than the outdated Kramer v. Kramer model will co-parenting cooperatively be seen as less of an anomaly…no quotation marks required.

Read more of Deesha’s columns at The Faster Times here. And while you’re there, find out how you can support new media, get a free gift, AND get a 1-hour co-parenting coaching session with Deesha!

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