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Is Your Co-Parent Violating Your Agreement? Be Like Spock.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011 | 10:49

My ex doesn’t follow the “first right of refusal”* and has his live-in, married girlfriend watch the kids. The courts won’t care, [as this] appears miniscule compared to really bad parent issues. I’d love some advice. My ex wants his new pretty little family and wants to bring the kids up his way, no co-parenting involved.

We received the above comment from Terri on a recent post, “You Said It: ‘I Can’t Force Him to Co-Parent.” It reminded us of the divorce and co-parenting journey Friend of CoParenting101 Sophia Van Buren chronicles in her book* Illumination: How One Woman Made Light of the Darkness.* Sophia gave us an update on her family earlier this week, but she was happy to offer Terri some advice based on her experiences. Sophia writes:

I have two different things I would suggest doing in this situation:

1. Keep a journal and document each time that there is a violation of the parenting plan. If “First Right of Refusal” is worded correctly in your plan, then start keeping track. The way to do this is to first send an email, and then a certified letter to your ex simply stating something like this:

“In the past you have not followed the parenting plan by not granting me First Right of Refusal. I am sending you this email and a certified letter in order to clarify that I would like you to follow the parenting plan in the future. I am including a copy of our Parenting Plan for reference. Moving forward, I will document violations of the parenting plan. It is in the best interest of our child/children to communicate and cooperate and preferable that we not have to spend time in court due to these kinds of issues.”

Posted under Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting Stories, Legal, NonCustodial Parenting, NonCustodial Parenting, Problem...Solved |

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Last Updated on Monday, 21 November 2011 | 12:38

You Said It: “I Can’t Force Him to Co-Parent With Me”

Monday, 24 October 2011 | 12:31

We received the following email from a reader who wanted share her story of struggling to co-parent. This isn’t–thus far–a story with a happy ending, but we hope it serves as a reminder to all co-parents about why cooperation, respect, and adhering to parenting agreements are so important for children’s well-being.

I have been divorced now for over 3 years. At the time of the divorce, my ex and I agreed to co-parent with a 5/2 and 4/3 split (me having the 4/5 nights in exchange for him keeping our daughter only on the days he doesn’t work).

Within the 1st month, we had issues with him not following the divorce papers regarding drop-off/pick-up times, not following first-rights*, and asking our daughter to call his girlfriend “mom” (and not to call me “mom”).

Since that time, things have continued to get worst. I have gone to therapy in efforts of resolving the issues and after having the therapist actually read my emails to him (giving me tips on how to best communicate), and a lot of other things – she finally just said that there’s nothing else I can do to fix this situation. I am just now starting the process of filing for sole legal and physical custody.

One message that I would like to get out there is that it takes two parents to make a child and two parents to work together to raise one. Honestly, I have tried my hardest to work with him and have requested him to get help with me on several occasions, but I can’t force him to co-parent with me.

Thanks for giving me a place to vent. It’s been a really long 3 years, and I just hope for my poor stressed out and depressed 9-year-old that things get better soon.

*Some co-parenting agreements include a first rights clause which states that if a co-parent has a scheduling conflict during his or her parenting time, instead of finding a sitter or someone else to care for their child, he or she will first contact the other co-parent to give them the opportunity to care for the child. This allows parents to spend as much “extra” time with their child as possible.

Posted under Adventures in How Not to Co-Parent, Co-Parenting ABCs, Co-Parenting Stories, Legal, Mail Bag Mondays |