The other morning, I (Deesha) was reading the comments section on Friend of CoParenting101, The Divorce Encouragist’s blog, in which she notes that when under attack, we humans are hard-wired to react vs. responding. That got me to thinking about the difference between reacting to someone’s attack or accusations, and responding. And of course I thought about how this applies to those of us parenting across two households, especially when the co-parenting relationship is characterized by tension, mistrust, or on-going conflict.
Consider the real-life examples below, shared with us by co-parents. One of them comes from a co-parent mentioned in the introduction to our “Makes Me Wanna Holler: Bigger Co-Parent Fatigue Syndrome” series. Often it is a measured response, instead of a knee-jerk reaction, that allows us to be the “bigger” co-parent in the face of someone else’s attacking or otherwise difficult behavior.
Example #1: A c0-parenting mom discusses her children’s extra-curricular plans with their father. They are on the same page. Later, the co-parenting mom has a casual conversation with her children’s stepmother about the same plans, and the stepmom appears to be a on different page entirely.
Reaction: The co-parenting mom immediately corrects the stepmom about the plans and/or asks her ex why he changed the plans without discussing it with her first.
Response: The co-parenting mom asks her ex about the apparent change of plans, without being confrontational or accusatory. This allows for the possibility that the plans haven’t changed at all, but rather a miscommunication or misunderstanding (as was the case in this real-life scenario).
Example #2: A c0-parenting mom discovers that her son’s schedule for the upcoming school year has been mailed to his father’s house, but not to her.
Reaction: The co-parenting mom calls her ex to accuse him of removing her address from the school records. When she can’t reach him, she calls their son repeatedly to vent about the situation. Finally, she drives over to dad’s house to confront him. (This is how the scenario actually played out.)
Response: The co-parenting mom asks her ex about the missing schedule, without confrontation and accusations. Even if she doesn’t believe his suggestion that the school made a clerical error, she can easily (and peacefully) remedy the situation by contacting the school directly.
In the above scenario, the co-parenting dad also had a react vs. respond decision to make. He chose not to take his ex’s calls knowing that she was so irate and not wanting to allow himself to be dragged into an argument. His intended response was to send her an email stating his belief that the school had made a clerical error. But when she came to his house, his response was to refuse to engage her histrionics as she stood on the doorstep. When it became clear that she was spoiling for a fight, he closed the door on her…and sent the email.
This dad demonstrated a good rule of thumb when aiming to respond instead of react: Focus on the problem (in this case, the school records), not the other parent.
If you get an angry email or phone call from your fellow co-parent, try to filter out the personal attacks and passive-aggressive jabs at you. Resist the urge to defend yourself. Remember, if your ex is spoiling for a fight and determined to find fault with you, not even a Dream Team of high-priced lawyers could mount a successful defense on your behalf. It’s a fight you can’t win, so get out of the ring. Instead, focus exclusively on answering this question: “What do we/I need to do in order to address this problem as it relates to our child’s care and well-being?”
This problem-solving approach keeps your focus where it belongs: on your child. Everything else is usually extraneous and really about the other parent’s emotional Stuff anyway. Not your concern. Refuse to carry his/her emotional baggage.
Example #3: A c0-parenting mom is finding it difficult to ignore the nasty and often untrue things her ex tells their child about her.
Reaction: The co-parenting mom calls her ex to confront him about the things he’s been saying.
Response: This real-life co-parenting mom had a “no bad-mouthing” clause entered into their court-approved shared parenting agreement. Further, in conversations with her child, she uses the following strategies from Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent/Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex by Dr. Richard A. Warshak:
- Lies should be challenged as soon as possible because the repetition of lies creates false memories in children that are difficult to erase.
- Invite your child to think for himself with regard to the lie. Are the allegations consistent with his experience of you?
- When you fear your child is likely to dismiss your denials, it may be best for another trusted person to correct the distortions with him or her.
So..how to respond instead of react?
- Keep the focus on your child, not your ex.
- Give yourself a time out before responding.
- Respond in email or text instead of by phone or in person.
- Don’t swing at everything your ex pitches. You set the tone for your conversations, so stick to what really matters: your child.
Consider your own co-parenting situation. Plan ahead. How might you respond next time instead of reacting?
image: flickr
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