"Come again? You expect me to do what???"

A few weeks ago, Friend of Co-Parenting101 Heather, founder of CafeSmom.com, posted a provocative guest-post from a co-parenting mom, SassySingleMama (SSM)– a list of 12 things SSM felt a stepmom should do/be. The commenters on this post were quite the tough crowd, and generally weren’t feeling SSM’s list. I (Deesha) decided to use SSM’s list as a springboard for a conversation about stepmothering with Sherry, Mike’s wife and our kids’ stepmom. I wear a stepmom hat too, so I was doubly interested in comparing notes with Sherry on this. Last week, Sherry and I talked about items #1-#3 of the list in this post. The conversation continues below as we discuss #4-#11.

(Note: The chat log has been edited for clarity, privacy, and, um, decorum, but SSM’s list items are unedited)

4)Don’t talk bad. Yes there are bad mothers out there! But its not your business. Don’t make a child feel they have to choose between the two families! Children are innocent and have the right to love someone even with faults.

Sherry : This to me just shows her immaturity.

Deesha: This is another one of those where if the bio-mom is the one who feels compelled to say it, the stepmom probably isn’t going to listen.  This would be better coming from the dad, or someone else with a good rapport with the stepmom.  Again, this is not bad advice, but I don’t feel it’s appropriate for the kind of “sit down” between stepmom, bio-mom, and the dad, that SSM described in her introduction.

"Come again? You expect me to do what???"

A few weeks ago, Friend of Co-Parenting101 Heather, founder of CafeSmom.com, posted a provocative guest-post from a co-parenting mom, SassySingleMama (SSM).  In the post, by way of introduction, SSM explained that she is the

“…mom of two boys who are about to be blessed with a smom of their own. Honestly, I’m not worried! My children’s father would not bring a woman around unless she is a good person. I have also met her on several family dinner nights!

“Yes that’s right I’m a very unusual woman who wants nothing but the best for my kids father and part of that is getting to know his new love. I wouldn’t say I’m the controlling type but family means the world to me, and making sure my boys have stable loving homes is priority. So I plan to have a “normal” friendship with this new woman. And that includes the three of us sitting down and coming up with rules that will please both households. We must also go over strict guidelines on what punishments will go along with the rules.

“I feel my children will see her with more respect if she is not stumbling around. I want this to be a smooth transition for everyone. I would hate to see her punish the boys for something they are usually allowed to do. Even worst is the idea of hearing “but she let’s us do it!” along with these new sets of rules I sat her down the other day to talk about what our ideas on Smom means.”

SSM then followed with a list of what she thinks a stepmom should do/be.  Not surprisingly (to me (Deesha), anyway), the commenters on this post were quite the tough crowd, and generally weren’t feeling SSM’s list.  I decided to mix it up over SSM’s list with Sherry, Mike’s wife and our kids’ stepmom. I wear a stepmom hat too, so I was doubly interested in comparing notes with Sherry on this.

(Note: The chat log has been edited for clarity, privacy, and, um, decorum, but SSM’s list items are unedited)

Deesha: Okay…I think she means well.  But that intro…Respectful grown-ups don’t sit each other down unless there’s a problem.  It’s her tone. Strokes for folks, and there is definitely a wide-range of step-mothering experiences…but I can’t see how this invites dialogue.

The first item on her list:

1) Be a role model. Show the children how a woman acts and takes care of the household. My kids had to see a relationship fail once, so make sure they see love and respect.

Sherry: First of all, the relationship that’s still most important to the children is the co-parenting relationship between their parents. That’s the relationship that needs to be on point. She shouldn’t be at all worried about what’s going on at the stepmother’s house. Don’t put the burden of your failed marriage on my shoulders.

Deesha: Agreed.  But I’m wearing two hats, of course.  Thinking about this in her shoes, and in yours, and as you know, for better or for worse, I have no interaction with my bonus daughters’ mother. If she has any expectations of me in my marriage or my households, they certainly haven’t been communicated.  Well, they haven’t been communicated to me or to JB.

Also, SSM’s is being presumptuous on top of presumptuous because why does she assume that she and the soon-to-be stepmom will even agree on “how a woman acts and takes care of the household”?  Like there’s one right way.  Maybe the dad will be the primary caretaker in that house–who knows? Further “rules that please both households” may not be possible in some cases, nor is it necessary.  Different adults, their personalities, and parenting styles will dictate the rules in each household. As much consistency as possible between households certainly benefits kids, but they do adapt to differences.

And what if the stepmom doesn’t share her “plan” for a “‘normal’ friendship”?  That would be great but definitely not a requirement for this woman as a stepmother.

I think it’s true what some of the commenters on the original post said: SSM’s age (23) is really showing here. A lot of what she says isn’t  “bad”; it’s just the presumptuousness that makes me wonder how well this will go over with the soon-to-be stepmom.